The Emotional vs Rational Mind

It’s [relatively] easy to understand the difference between the emotional mind and the rational mind when you are NOT in an emotional state. For me, being in the USA, I feel that I’m constantly in an emotional state. Rather than observe my emotions, I tend to feel like I’m drowning in them. My perception of my own reality should be questioned. To be fair, I question most things in life. And also to be fair, I believe in magic. For real. Magic exists.

It doesn’t help that it seems like some people are trying to assign emotions to situations. “Don’t be mad” “I know you are upset” “Don’t get worked up” “Let me know when you are calm and ready to accept an apology”. Projections of others when I establish a healthy boundary. Because it’s much easier to assign an emotion to me rather than evaluate their own behaviour and hold themselves accountable? Very funny behaviour. Exhausting but funny. There is also a group of people that push boundaries to see how far they can take a ‘joke’ and then my personal favourite (note the sarcasm) the ones that provoke emotions just for fun. Ignoring these people tend to attract more. Acknowledging this part of humanity seems to keep them at bay. (Establishing healthy boundaries is a tedious process, especially after a rebuild/during recovery). Either way, people are hilarious. Everyone is a teacher; offering blessings or lessons. Thankfully, I’m connected to self enough to see truth. Detached from others enough to not be affected. Just observe. And feel. For the most part.

That said…

A few days ago, I opened a can of worms. I started to think about the friends I have allowed into my space. Reframing if they were healthy for me and if I was healthy for them. Not that they are good or bad, but questioning health. I’m searching for patterns. Habits to address. Cycles to break. Are they calming (or triggering) my insecurities? Are they expanding (or disrupting) my peace? Are they honouring (or playing) with my heart? It’s nothing they are doing consciously because I feel things on a deeper level. I pick up on small nuances. I learned how to connect dots. It’s just a matter of if I’m leaning into familiar or kindred situations. Familiar is the one that I cannot fully express myself (people pleasing and questionable self-worth) whereas kindred is the one that knows before I know (healthy standard of magic and unconditional love). Constantly questioning myself and examining my boundaries. Sometimes, I think that I’m crushing it with surrounding myself with dope souls. Other times, I think my soul is an asshole that is challenging my sense of self and awareness. Am I operating from a rational or emotional state? Am I self-aware?

Last summer, I started catching feelings. Emotional state. I wasn’t sure if the feelings were to fill a void in my own heart or a distraction because I was scared to deal with processing some inner garbage. I disengaged. Returned to center. Thankfully, he was healthy enough to know that if anything was going to happen between us, that wasn’t the right time. Our paths diverged gracefully. A person that knew before I knew. VERY grateful. My emotional state thought he was familiar. Rational state knew he was kindred. When in an emotional state, I cannot discern the difference.

This summer, I’m honouring stability. A stable sense of self, community, housing, income, activities… Most things are stable. Social circles that offer an array of activities from physical to creative. I have my buckets. Life is starting to resemble normalcy. At least by my standards of normal. I’m getting comfortable with letting go of things that no longer serve me or my wellness.

Screenshot 2019-05-05 at 11.03.45 AMTwo messages that keep surfacing. A post from one of my favourite IG accounts,
“It took me a long time to learn that healing doesn’t mean I’ll be strong enough to put up with anything – It’s that I no longer want to be a person strong enough to put up with anything.” #NFYT often speaks to my heart on the need to have healthy boundaries. That in itself is externally focused, healthy boundaries are about keeping people at bay. Whereas SELF-CARE is doing more of whatever makes me feel alive! Small but important difference. Is it the same, kind of. Same result. Different approach. A different type of tug of war. This IG account helps me focus on self-care. And then there are some words I shared last year. An old blog post Acceptance of a familiar soul vs a kindred soul.

#HealthyBoundaries #SelfCare #EmotionalWellness #DomesticViolence #Recovery #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth #PowerInThePause #Reflections #Anxiety #Depression #CPTSD #BeYourOwnHero #JourneyToPeace

 

Embrace your Magic. Realize your Purpose.

May is mental health awareness month. A month that is SUPER important for me. I spent over a year openly sharing my journey of embracing, understanding, accepting, growing from domestic violence. During that journey, I was called all sorts of names and labelled all sorts of things. At first, I would have massive reactions to the labels and then one day, I was able to shift my focus from external noise to internal chatter. Each time I witnessed pushback from others, it meant that I woke up something within. Consciously or subconsciously, a seed was planted and I touched parts of another that were “blissfully” ignorant. That’s awesome but I needed to better understand my own personal resistance to words…

I made an announcement on Facebook (my main canvas for emotional exploration) asking others to DM me if they wanted to hear words about wellness, illness or just general curiosity about any topic. I set an intention to share words to help others. The first inquiry was POWERFUL. The exchange shifted from depression to finding your purpose.

Everything is about the mind. Everything. To me, depression is living in the past. Being in a cycle of self-pity and trying to understand things rather than accept them. Jim Carry made a very powerful comment, reframing an idea from his spiritual mentor, along the lines of depression is an overworked system. Depression is loosely translated to deep rest. Lean into the need for rest. Once the soul is at peace then it becomes easier to do things for you, not for others. The ironic part is that doing things for self is the best way to do things for others. Seems counterintuitive but it’s true. So understanding the mind, giving it a rest, creates space to find your purpose. At the end of the day, isn’t finding your purpose simply growing into your magic?

I spent my entire 20s doing things for my family. I was building resentment without knowing I was building resentment. My heart was in a good place and my intentions were pure. I knew what I was talented in but it wasn’t what I enjoyed. At a conscious level, I was building a piggybank to fulfil a promise. At a subconscious level, I was craving the love and approval of people in my family. I felt very uncomfortable with others experiencing heavy emotions. It took me about a year to understand this cycle and eventually break it. Today, my truth is the more comfortable I become with experiencing my own heavy emotions, the deeper I’m able to connect with others. During those connections, I remind myself that each person helps me (in their own way) by bringing me closer to my purpose. My purpose isn’t defined as a single thing. It’s more than simply existing but it’s also as simple as existing. I know the things that I’m good at. I know the things that I enjoy. The big work is continuing to do the things that scare me.

Finding purpose. Such a wonderful topic. The more I seek to find my purpose, the more it eludes me. The more I sit quietly, the faster it surrounds me. It’s during the quiet moments. The moments where I’m absolutely present. This is when the mind is free. When elements of nature are creating a symphony. Just for me. The sun is dancing across the sky. The wind is my spirit guides giving me hugs. The animals are curious and start appearing out of nowhere. Just then I realise that they have always been there, I’ve just had so much mental clutter that it’s only now that I’m seeing them. We’ve been sharing space for months but only now are we meeting. So present that I can feel the temperature difference between inhales and exhales. My mind/body/spirit is in flow. All parts complimenting one another.

Purpose is not something to seek. It’s something to be. A state of being. When you realise the Universe is conspiring for you. The moment you realise that whatever you think your purpose is, it’s something completely different for each person that crosses your path.

There is a gentleman in my heart this morning. His purpose in my world might not be the same as his purpose in another person’s world. He’s a messenger reminding me that I can trust myself, I can live in heart center. There are people that love me that I’m blissfully unaware of. And it’s those people that whisper magic into my world by just being. Just. being. The purpose is to connect with self. Each day, continue to surround yourself with people that inspire growth. One’s purpose is everything and nothing. It’s when the mind is free. The world is playing your favourite song. Your heart is at peace and things are in flow…

Mental Health Awareness month. Grow into your magic. Surround yourself with people that hold up mirrors and wake up the ‘difficult’ parts of you. Embracing these parts is pretty freaking awesome… It’s difficult work. It’s also absolutely magical… to do this work is to find your magic. And to find your magic; Be your magic; is to realize your purpose.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth #Resilience #Purpose #CreateMagic #Presence #Alignment #JourneyToPeace

Connected to Self. Detached from Others.

I like to think of myself as being confrontational. I know this is the furthest from the truth. This label is actually one that was forced on me by family. It was used each time that I decided that I wanted to protect myself. Being confrontational meant using my voice against someone trying to cause me harm. Using my voice has not always resulted in positive things. Using my voice resulted in me being strangled. Using my voice resulted in having a loaded gun in my face. Using my voice resulted in being called all sorts of names ranging from too sensitive, crazy, unbalanced and my all time favourite drama queen/princess. Perhaps the most difficult part was acknowledging the truth on who thinks they are my friend vs who is actually my friend. Using my voice has traditionally resulted in unsafe situations (gaslighting, control, projection, general harm). It’s absolute nonsense.

In the last few months, I’ve had some amazing teachers. I realised I’m not the person others have been trying to paint me as. I have a lot of chaos but who doesn’t? Perhaps the magical thing about me is my ability to articulate the stuff happening, either during the storm or shortly thereafter. The reason for this post is to hold myself accountable for the progression of my processing. This is perhaps the first time I feel confident about using my voice and implementing healthy boundaries with others. Zero guilt. Just a blank look and a sassy ‘FFS, come at me with love or get off my path.’ When I’m fully connected to self, it’s more of a ‘thank you for the reminder. Our paths have diverged. I wish you well on your journey.’ The energy I’ve been craving since the beginning of this journey is coming in waves. Plot twist, the source of energy is within… I’m stablizing. Less affected by external forces.

The ultimate growth has always been to be connected with self and detached from others. A sweet spot in Asia and a place that seemed impossible for the USA. For me, Asia is healthy, I built an incredibly strong network of empowered people. For me, the USA was not healthy. It was a network of self-serving people (abusers and enablers). Validation was a necessary evil; throughout the last year, my Asia-based friends would ask me, “When are you going to accept dysfunction as dysfunction? Not everything needs to be understood [or fixed], just accept it and move along. It’s a losing battle, Jess.” They had a valid point and served as a reminder because I know before I know but I insist on questioning everything. Being honest, I stayed in the swamp for MANY personal reasons. To connect the dots. To be a lotus. To shift from survival to thrive at ground zero. Build a new muscle. Become a butterfly. To [finally] establish and maintain healthy boundaries with my biological family means I’m unbothered. Full emersion. To be in the storm and unaffected by the storm. To prove to myself that proximity to abusers no longer affects me.

Snapshot of important lessons helping me shift from heart chakra to crown… acknowledging truth.

In August, I shared the pain in my heart with a broken spirit. Rather than comfort me with his presence, he thought he had a magical penis. He’s so much more than a magical penis and I hope that he one day realises that. In hindsight, he was offering me something that he held very sacred. A virgin until marriage, this was something special for him but inappropriately executed towards me. This offering was the same day that my mom had emergency open heart surgery. Emotional for obvious reasons. On top of that, I realised in the event she wouldn’t make it out alive, I’d be forced to deal with the devil himself. Her son. True to form, during surgery, he was digging through her emails and gaslighting me to elicit an emotional reaction. My response was to throw my things into storage and hit the road. Walk away from it all. Physical space from questionable situations is necessary for my wellness. Create space to breathe. Grateful to identify a part of me needing extra love. The lesson, intentions vs impact of others becomes a serious complication when I’m in survival mode.

In September, I sought truth with the last bucket of my biological family. I accepted their offering to be a place to weather the storm. Within a week, they revealed my physical location to the very person who tried to take my life on two occasions. They also challenged my sanity for having a normal human response to an abnormal treatment (betrayal). Top Tier Gaslighting. Clouded by the concept of ‘family’, this caught me off guard. It took a few days to bounce back and realise they hadn’t betrayed me, I misplaced my trust. I took comfort in knowing creating space in this situation was necessary to breathe. Was I running away from ‘problems’ or was I removing myself from spaces that did not honour me? This time, I exercised my ‘confrontational’ muscle. I expressed my needs, but I was dismissed so I removed myself. An inconvenient truth was revealed. Some truths are more difficult to digest than others. The lesson, I am capable of forgiveness and can continue to love others whilst recognizing they are only allowed in my world if they are good for my health. At the end of the day, they helped me [re]define family: love, loyalty, & respect. Nothing more, nothing less.

In February, I started using my voice towards a number of friends. I launched another side hustle and realised a powerful truth. The silence of others when I [finally] started celebrating my mini victories no longer stings. I tend to forget that inaction is action. This was a valuable reminder because it called me out on how I was utilising my time/energy. Rather than get upset about being rejected by others, I started valuing myself. The faster I was able to identify [and remove] parasitic relationships, the more space was created for people good for my soul.

March was a HUGE growth month for me. Now that housing was stable (and felt safe), I shook up other aspects of my world. I evaluated the health of a few hustles. I disengaged from things not serving my highest good and shifted focus to build things to make me feel alive. I created space for some healthy habits, mainly cooking and physical activity (running/bike riding/zumba). Perhaps I’m ready to share all the professional advancements in the last 6 months… one word: RESILIENCE. I’m still dancing between heart and crown chakra. One truth that I’m extremely proud of… Jess World is absolutely MAGICAL! I keep moving forward, one day at a time.

Spot checking myself once again; some words from last year… a free flow session walking through the Fog with a Soft Heart & a Strong Mind.

#WhyIWrite #Healing #Recovery #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #DomesticViolence #Resilience #Chakras #SelfCare #HealthyBoundaries #JourneyToPeace

Healthy Boundaries IS Self Care

My dreams are getting active once again. It’s a sign of alignment between my consciousness and subconsciousness. Rather than focus on what happened in the dream, I spent a few minutes observing how I was feeling. What was I still holding onto? Who was the teacher offering me a valuable lesson? And more importantly, what is the relationship between old emotions that are surfacing vs new ones. In my opinion, there are immediate feelings that crop up when I think of certain people.

Last night, the dream was at my childhood home. Something happened in the driveway where I ended up putting a bag on top of a car. It ended up being my mother’s car. She called me to yell at me for being careless with the bag. Interesting to note that she’s never actually yelled at me for being careless with material things. In the dream, rather than engage in the argument, I simply smiled and apologized. A few frames later, my father was asking if everything was OK? He saw what happened between me/mom and wanted to make sure that I was OK. I thanked him for the concern and wished him a good day. Interesting to note that our relationship has not historically been one where he has asked if I was ok. It’s always assumed. Perhaps my father is more of a law of attraction person that I have previously given him credit for… I do admire people that speak in absolutes. There is a strange comfort in knowing we are all powerful enough to speak things into existence.

The 2 emotions during the dream started off strong. Frustration and then peace. Almost as if I had a thousand pounds on my shoulders and was sinking in the sand. I was frantically trying to find a solution – to fix something but the reality was there was nothing to fix. If that makes sense. Does this mean that I’m coming to terms with the way things are? Perhaps. Do I still love my family with something strong? Absolutely. However, at this exact moment, they are still unhealthy for me so they are not part of my world. Reflecting on the dream at a deeper level, I think the images of my parents are of their inner child. My mother is absolutely beautiful, a beautiful soul. She has spent a lifetime suppressing her emotions and in her dream, she felt comfortable enough to express herself. A true honour. And for my father, I also believe that he is absolutely beautiful, also a beautiful soul. He has spent a lifetime using anger/control as a means to protect himself. To see his gentle side was also an honour. It means he was trusting and filled with love.

At the start of my #JourneyToPeace, I idolised both my parents. Despite any harmful behaviour, I held them on a pedestal. Hardly questioning their behaviour because questioning it was very difficult. Each time that I stood up for myself, I hit resistance. Subtle ways of being punished for doing what was best for me. All behaviours out of deep seeded fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of disharmony. Fear of abandonment. But who was abandoning who? Were they abandoning me or was I abandoning myself? Justifying behaviour is enabling. Or is it justifying AND ACCEPTING is enabling. At the moment, I think that justifying is for understanding. If I allowed this behaviour into my space, then it’s enabling.

Setting healthy boundaries can feel difficult. Maintaining them can feel like an impossible task. Boundaries are a sign that the focus has shifted from others to self. This is important to understand because, in the last few weeks, the Universe has offered me a number of tests. I read that to test your growth, the Universe will offer you something that you’ve asked for and then immediately after offer you a distraction. A simple way of testing your loyalty to growth. Perhaps even help identify where your focus is placed, internally or externally. Choosing the ‘new thing’ is for growth and choosing the distraction is still in the cycle. Oversimplification of course.

Phone calls. No, thank you. Emails. No, thank you. Energies entering my forcefield. No, thank you. No harm intended. No harm received. Just a buttload of self-care. “NO” is not an act of aggression, it’s a way for me to protect myself in a healthy way. Physically. Sexually. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.

In my dream, I was not combative. In reality, my reality, the last few weeks has been sprinkled with opportunities to maintain healthy boundaries with people that have previously tried to disrupt my peace. Are they bad people? Not at all. For they did not know they were not just hurting me but they were hurting themselves… Ignorance is a choice. Most of them are so clouded by their own pain that they are unwilling to embrace my perspective. My heart still breaks for those in pain. However, I remind myself that their pain is THEIR pain and NOT my responsibility.

And I accept that I’m entering a phase of being OK with other’s emotions. Not everything has to be unicorns and rainbows. Sitting with heavy things is sometimes necessary for growth.

A great article to spot check my growth is Emotional Kung Fu. The article was written in Novmber 2017… early days when I was ripping off the bandaide for my deep dive into self. The end goal has always been Journey To Peace.

#Resilience #Growth #PersonalDevelopment #Abuse #Recovery #Rewiring #Reframing #Family #Love #SelfCare #SelfLove #Emotions #Wellness #Health #AbuseRecovery #OneDayAtATime #JourneyToPeace

Internal negotiations to practice Self Care

Last night I had the pleasure to share a meal with some kindred souls. During the dinner, I realised a few things about myself. Powerful things. Obviously these things are in my heart and fueling the words for this post…

I’m really talented at articulating things. Feelings. Situations. And then outlining various perspectives. I’ve been complimented on this before and last night, I was explaining something to one person whilst the other was nodding in agreement and even commenting with ‘FINALLY, SOMEONE THAT UNDERSTANDS WHAT I AM FEELING’.

My heart felt full and it also broke, slightly.

Stepping back, addressing setting (and maintaining) healthy boundaries is not fun. In a perfect world, everyone would be decent so there would not be a need to have difficult conversations. The reality of the world, is these conversations need to take place more often that we like to admit. Being a survivor of domestic violence, this is a soft spot. A muscle that I’ve been consciously building. I still prefer to avoid unhealthy situations but when they crop up, this is what happens. The gentle negotiation between my head, heart, & intuition.

Head: This is no longer meant for us. Set a boundary and be done with it.

Heart: Cut them some slack. They didn’t do anything on purpose. It was just a mistake.

Head: There is no such thing as a mistake, it’s a matter of consciousness. Pure intentions with failed execution is not your issue. Do not allow them to make their problems, your problem. Walk away from their misalignment. This is not healthy.

Heart: But clearly they need help. Who would want to consciously hurt another human being? Let’s give them another chance?

Intuition: Told you so. This always happens when you 2 ignore me.

Head: Fair enough but we are still reprogramming. Cleansing if you will. Aligning. So much noise, how can we trust you when we cannot hear you?

Heart: I hate seeing people hurt themselves but if we set this boundary, they might end the friendship. I feel guilty. I feel cruel. I feel we are lacking compassion. Maybe we are being too rigid?

Head: If they ditch us, then it’s validation that we are not on the same path. Besides, eagles cannot soar when surrounded by turkeys. Set the boundary and let’s be on our way. This is easy…

Heart: I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe they are having an ‘off day’ and it’s our job to be kind.

Head: Kind to whom? Who is the priority? Them or us? Why do you insist on allowing others to treat us this way? It’s ridiculous.

Intuition: The Universe is going to continue to offer lessons until we sort this out. I’m tired.

Head: 67% connected… Heart, jump on board. Please…

Heart: I miss our family. Every time that we are in this situation, it reminds me of being abandoned by family. When will it hurt less?

Head: ok. This is not family. It’s not going to hurt (as much) as with family. This is part of the process. We are doing good. Each time we have to set a boundary, we get stronger. Maybe it’s time that we start to listen to Intuition. I’ll try to stop questioning her. Can you do your best to see people for who they are rather than who they could be?

Heart: !!! But potential is part of magic. You want me to stop believing in magic?

Head: *Facepalm* Heart, we are magic. Magic is effortless. You are trying to fix something that is not meant to be fixed. Our only mission is to observe. And then walk away from things that do not serve our highest good. We create magic because we are magic. We cannot create magic if we are not in our lane; fixing other people is not our lane. They have to create their own magic. Our path is diverging from them. It’s OK to let go. Nothing belongs to us.

Intuition: here comes another wave of lessons… Our focus is on us and our wellness…

Here is a deeper dive into my journey to peace. Spot cheking my progress. What was once a tug of war is now a gentle internal negotiation. It hurts less.

#WhyIWrite #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #Trauma #Recovery #Healing #Growth #Resilience #SelfCare #HealthyBoundaries #LetGo #Love #Family #OneDayAtATime #JourneyToPeace

“Home” is a state of Being

Traditionally, my home has been my sanctuary. It’s a place for me to be me. Not who society wants me to be. Not who my family expects me to be. But a place for me to unapologetically be me. A place where I can buy $50 of red grapes, $100 of soft cheese and the biggest loaf of bread without guilt. Oh and a bulb of garlic the size of my head… I think they call it elephant garlic?! Roasting garlic whilst doing laundry, dabbling in whatever catches my attention but mostly dancing to the likes of Colbie, Jack or Madonna. All whilst preparing the largest platter of snacks with the windows open. Did I mention the warm breeze or the woo-woo birds. Obviously the birds are singing to the same tunes I’m dancing to! Obviously. This is what I do when I’m to my own devices. Jess World.

Most of my years in Asia, I lived by myself so this was very easy to accomplish. The first year and the last 2 years were with housemates. My last housemate is an angel on Earth. He would often have complimentary habits to enjoy his sacred space. Everything sprinkled with extra love and so many good vibes.

Moving back to the USA was a conscious decision. Just before moving back, I acknowledged that I was making terrible decisions. I almost married a psychopath. Someone that could have easily destroyed me. I liked him and the idea of him but I’m not sure that I actually loved him in a pure way. That’s for a different time. The burning topic in my heart is the idea of a home. Living with my mother for about a year started off fun. I was in holiday mode. Not really accepting that I had moved back. I was always one foot out the door. Commitment phobic should be my middle name. I was passport ready. When shit hit the fan, it was a matter of hours before I told myself that it’s just not worth it to stick around and fix old so lets start a new adventure and create something new. This method worked until it didn’t. So I stayed. My promise to myself was a year of no travel. International travel at least. By discliplining myself from traveling, I was forced to confront some pain and learn how to embrace my emotions. The truth of the matter is that my biological father tried to kill me and my entire biological family dismissed the entire event(s). I didn’t grow up in an environment where emotions were tolerated. It’s not good or bad, just the way it is. Unpacking the fact that my biological father tried to kill me is not an easy sentence to type. Most times, I can talk about it in passing. Exploring the details or reliving it, would only result in complete detachment of feeling anything or a tsunami of emotions flooding my entire being. There was no middle ground. So moving back to Chicago was to address this. Physically be at ground zero. Come to terms with this truth. Find my peace. Not just peace in my mind but peace in my heart. Anyone reading my blog knows how incredibly stubborn my heart can be and the amount of work I’ve done to shift my thinking from ‘oh, the person causing me harm was just really hurting, they didn’t mean it’ to ‘not my problem, deal with your own demons and treat me like a person or watch me walk away. I deserve better.’

Finding a place where I can roast garlic and dance around, guilt free was a subconscious goal. I didn’t know it until I started writing, just now, the importance of roasting garlic. Interesting revelation.

Since moving to Chicago, I’ve changed houses every 2 months. Each housemate has offered something special and I’m grateful for the experience. It’s all part of the process. The first was a foreigner. Dissatisified with work but doing his best to find joy. Torn with some decisions for family but mostly doing things that he enjoyed. The second was a house of lost souls. Each person causing harm to others because they were unhappy on the inside. A perfect storm of ignored boundaries and passive-aggression. The next house was serviceman that was ‘getting his ducks in row’. Very transparent about where he is and where he’s come from. Questionable towards others but kind towards me. He admired my sunny disposition on life and tried to teach me to be more realistic about others. All good people that could only meet me as far as they were willing to meet themselves. Zero regrets as each ‘home’ was exactly what I needed that that exact moment.

Currently, I’m living in a place that feels like home. It’s with a housemate that reminds me that this is my home. He’s attentive to ‘triggers’ and has gestures to put me at ease. Already teaching me how to cook some of his favourite dishes and celebrating some of my quirks. To find a place where you are acknowledged for where you have come, accepted for who you are and encouraged to become who you are meant to be… that’s magic. Pure magic.

Our countertops are filled with fruit. Our fridge has an assortment of cheese. I’ve already eaten a fantastic breakfast and found myself washing the floor. I was just about to put on some music when I decided to grab my computer and share this flow. Now, I’m going to grab a leftover brownie and pop some garlic in the oven.

Home is where you are loved. For me, it’s been a sacred place void of judgement. It’s easy to have this place when living alone but it takes effort to find when sharing space with others. My main question, was I truly judged by others or was I judging myself? Have I finally found a place that is peaceful or did I [finally] cultivate peace within?

Curious to know what I’m talking about with ‘ground zero’? Take a few minutes to read: https://jessicacorvo.com/2018/03/05/the-day-my-childhood-bedroom-turned-into-a-crime-scene/

#Resilience #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Trauma #Recovery #DomesticViolence #Healing #InvisibleWounds #OneDayAtATime #Family #Love #SelfCare #JourneyToPeace

Journey to Peace; where is my focus?

About 6 months ago I asked myself a simple question. Well, I thought it was a simple question. WHAT DOES JOURNEY TO PEACE MEAN?

In short… it means come to terms that my my biological family doesn’t love me in a conventional way. They love me in a do as I say otherwise I’ll kill you / isolate you / make you question your sanity way. It’s toxic. So journey to peace is deconstructing, embracing, removing, cleansing, rewiring and then moving forward… with love. Detaching. With.love.

Establishing healthy boundaries was difficult. Maintaining those healthy boundaries felt impossible. I would often get lost down many rabbit holes of guilt, shame, and then questioning my own self-worth (and sanity). Healing is messy. It’s not only bubble baths, meditating, and finding your breath. It’s accpeting inconvenient truths and reframing your position in your own personal story. Life doesn’t happen to me, it happens for me. I believe this with all my heart… and this is the shift from victim to hero, respetively.

Journey to Peace. It’s not just saying that I’m OK with how things are with my biological family but actually being ok with it. It’s being 100% open when people ask where I’m headed. Assuming that I’m headed to a support group and I disclose where I’m actually headed. No shame in getting help. LOTS of pain but no shame in acknowledging that I’m building various supportive channels.

Journey to Peace. The last few nights, my dreams have been VERY active. I haven’t been dreaming in a few months and all of the sudden, lots of people are visiting me. Supposedly it means that the person visiting me in my dreams wants to see me in reality. I’m not sure I subscribe to that concept. I think that dreams are simply the subconscious and super subconscious getting together… and exposing some places that need extra love. Last night, an old friend from Hong Kong surfaced. He’s getting married in a few weeks. I’m not invited to the wedding but I’ve been a pillar of support for years – perhaps he needs a friend. Old Jess would send an email filled with good vibes and well wishes. New Jess is most likely going to sit back and just observe. I’m trying to accept evolution of friendships and try not to inject myself into situations that I have no business being in. Does that make sense? To me, yes. I’m going to stop hurting myself. The night before, the visitor in my dreams was a friend from college. I was very hurt by this person because I felt that he tried to create a safe place for me to be vulnerable but the first opportunity of sharing some pain in my heart and he acted like most guys and thought he had a magical penis. Perhaps pure intentions but massive failure with execution. Am I playing the victim role? Or simply sharing a diffculty in recovery? I’m not sure. I caught feelings for this guy and feelings are not typically rational. Old Jess would find the silver lining and send over a letter of gratitude (truth be told, I’ve already written the letter). New Jess is going to sit back and observe. Does this make sense? To me, yes. I’m going to stop hurting myself.

What’s the theme? Accept people for what they are, not whom I wished they were.

The family, blinded by their own pain and unable to understand how their actions affect others. I allowed their behaviour towards me to worsen. I was an active participant.

The friend getting married was a dear friend. Part of my extended family even. Reality is that he only reached out when things went tits up and he felt alone. I allowed this behaviour to feed into my low self-worth. I knew but ignored. I was an active participant.

The lover that took advantage of me wasn’t malicious, just an opportunist. Society norm is that sex solves problems. It’s root chakra behaviour. I allowed this to happen as this was my way to deal with family chaos for about 10 years. I was offered an opportunity to fall into old habits or evolve. I was an active participant.

I can easily entertain circular conversations on justifying toxic behaviour, being an enabler and then apologizing for things that I shouldn’t take responsiblity for. In the end, I’m not sorry to any of them. I’m sorry to myself. I am consistently greeted with opportunities to choose me… and it wasn’t until recently that I acknowledge that self care is a daily habit. It’s my [new] norm. It’s making a redonkulous breakfast fit for a princess. It’s saying NO (and being comfortable with NO being a complete sentence). It’s doing things because I want to, not because I feel I’m supposed to. It’s recognising that being in flow is one of the most beautiful states to be in… when the world is quiet and the Universe honours me with seredipities. Messages from unsuspecting sources. A weather man at the bus stop. A veteran on the street. The colours of the sunset. A table filled with all sorts of temptations (and distractions). Random calls that are not so random. Text messages from people that I haven’t spoken with in months… and I land on their radar. Manifestations of purifying my heart. Increasing my vibe. Not just creating love but BEING LOVE.

Detaching with love. Journey to Peace is detaching with love.

Am I OK? Am I at peace with how things are with my biological family? I’m not 100% sure because is anyone really OK with being discarded by their family? I know that a few weeks ago, they were the first thought when tested. And a few nights ago, when my biological brother’s college roommate texted me, my first thought wasn’t them, it was me. Not about my safety. But about whatever I was doing at that exact moment. No warning lables. No pleas. Just a simple, nice to hear from you and catch you around sometime! What freedom. What peace. What a buttload of hard work to get to this exact place… thank you, Jess.

I’m no longer justifying behaviour of others or feeling ashamed of my own needs. The last few months, I’ve been stepping back and just observing. Getting lost in my own world… and now I’m back to sharing my build. Publicly.

Lots to share… the build continues…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Trauma #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #CoDependency #NarcissisticAbuse #Family #Healing #Recovery #BeYourOwnHero #OneDayAtATime #GoalCrusher #JourneyToPeace

Indonesia

Trips to Indonesia are always good for the soul!! From weekend escapes to the beaches, feeding zoo animals… all the way to community projects with palm oil plantations and supporting indigenous tribes… there is so much wealth in Indonesia. The wealth in their hearts is nothing short of m.a.g.i.c.a.l. Constantly learning how to be a better human being from my friends in Indonesia…
Monkey Forest
Bali

 

#Travel #GlobalNomad #Indonesia #Bali #Ubud #Jakarta #Sumatra #Java #Bogor #Jambi #Kalimantan #TamanSafari #SukuAnakDalam #Tribes #RoadTrip #Love #Adventure #Marathon #CreateMagic

People we lose to suicide

My dearest Gumby,

It’s been a number of years since you graduated from a friend to a guardian angel. I cherish my conversations with the clouds and appreciate when you reveal your presence. You have always been able to understand my feelings when I couldn’t find the words. You also knew how important it was to simply show up to life. As a matter of fact, you showed me unconditional love through some pretty intense seasons. All of the beautiful seasons of life…

So thank you for loving me.

During junior high, homeroom was always filled with laughter because of our play-by-play notes. One of the benefits of being a slight closet hoarder is holding onto those notes for nearly 2 decades. During visits home, I often re-read your notes just to feel your presence. Thank you for always seeing the magic within and creating moments for us to share a giggle…

During high school, you always used to crack jokes about me being friends with everyone. Grandma, the looney tunes parking lot guy, teachers all the way to just about every student (even the underclassmen). I enjoy making others feel seen! You knew this better than most. To know what it felt like to be on the inside and still feel like an outsider. Never once did you misinterpret my kindness. You never judged my antics. You always created space for me to be, me. Whether the season called for giggles, quiet pauses, tears, or bone crushing hugs; you always showed up.

During college, you made efforts to visit me at school. Not a lot of people did that. The double birthday celebration was super special (I miss you more than ever this time of year…). This was when we became legal adults! Adulting is so overrated! My goal in life is to do just about anything to avoid being conventional… I’m dedicating my life to re-writing the rule book.

After college, our g-chat conversations always brightened my day. During the years when you were in Europe, it was nice to wake up to messages from you. When you were in the USA, it was nice to catch you during my lunch. Just seeing your name pop up brought me great joy. You were always a treasured friend that understood what it meant to be an actual friend. No strings, just love. Thank you for always treating me like a person!

I still have moments of questioning if I was a good friend to you. I question if you died feeling alone. My heart hurt for years thinking that you felt alone. My heart would break if this was a truth. Somehow, I know that you are at peace and prefer a life of floating in the clouds making people giggle. Even tonight, the lights started flickering… pretty sure that was you (or Grandpa Corvo) trying to catch my attention.

I’ll have you know that I finally found my way back to the USA. Had I given you a timeline to work with, I kind of feel that you’d still be here. I take comfort knowing that you knew of my open invite to visit Asia. I wanted you to see me in my element. Galavanting around the globe, breaking hearts and taking names. True Jess Style… the fearless Jess that you knew anyway. Never settling for anything less than absolute magic! I should have kidnapped you! Coming home has been difficult. I fully understand the reverse culture shock you went through. The constant feeling like a fish out of water. The simple fact that my passport is on my person MOST of the time… Being a foreigner has been more magical than being home. Sometimes I feel like I forgot how to adult. On top of the reverse culture shock, I decided to open wounds to heal. In hindsight, I have no freaking idea what possessed me to do this whilst living under the same roof as my mommabear. Part of me had to rip off the band-aid and see what team people were on. Part of me needed to jump in the deep end to see what I was made of. This was a huge undertaking in the personal development space. Lots of casualties during this season. Lots of growth. It’s taken me 14+ months to find my light. Another 2+ months to hit my stride. So many people tried to piss on my parade, dim my light or put me in harm’s way (most of these knuckleheads called themselves friends growing up). Thanks for never being one of those people. You always knew that the brightest smile came from the darkest past. Each time I allowed you into my space, you reminded me that it’s OK to trust others. You took off your shoes, conscious about everything, and embraced me with great care.

Because of that, when it feels like my walls are caving in, you are still on my list of well-wishers. Between the words never spoken and the promises never broken, your love has pulled me through so many seasons.

I dunno what to say other than THANK YOU. My life has been profoundly filled with more love because of your presence. You wiggled into my heart and I’ve made sure to always keep space for you. Thinking of you allows the good days to be brighter and the difficult days to be more bearable… I miss you, my dear friend. Even more so this time of year. Thank you for continuing to look after me. Thank you for joining the army of guardian angels that keep me safe. I still have a lot to accomplish… I take great comfort knowing that you and the team will see to it that I accomplish everything that my heart desires.

With unconditional love (and gratitude)

Your Pokey

#Gratitude #LettersOfGratitude #GratitudeChangesAttitude #Soulship #Friendship #Love #Gumby #Pokey #SuicidePrevention #SuicideAwareness #Suicide

I opened my heart to attract my tribe

I have been surrounding myself with water signs… and air signs… and then the occasional fire signs. Typically my world is fire signs. I think it’s easiest to dance when surrounded by fire signs! Fire signs like to seek adventure. Experiences. Lots of them. There is no such thing as a bad experience. It’s either something magical or something learned. Easy. Of course, a WIDE ARRAY of emotions accompany these experiences. This is a learned place where limits are constantly being tested and growth takes place. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Some would say that I like to challenge society norms…

In the context of [publicly] sharing a healing journey, this is true. I was the target of extreme emotional and psychological abuse. Domestic Violence. My wounds are invisible. To heal, I subjected myself to criticisms. I subjected myself to toxic people dedicated to disqualify my sanity. I subjected myself to super dysfunctional people that use my healing as a playbook to cause compounded harm. Just being honest, there are A LOT of consequences to what I have shared in public. LOTS. At the end of the day, I know that I’m not driven by ego because when I started this, it was because of my incredibly low sense of self-worth. Now, I can accept that I’m driven by finding the most efficient way to complete a challenge. My goal was Journey To Peace. Building resilience is confronting things head on. My approach has generally been full emergence! Perhaps this specific goal was high-risk. With great risk, you create the opportunity for great reward.

Last night, I watched the movie ALL ABOUT STEVE. Sandra Bullock is a crossword creator. She has these red boots and an insatiable desire to sprinkle goodness in the world! She talks A LOT. She’s extremely intelligent. She lacks a filter. She loves with her entire heart. Her biggest flaw is that she puts value in words without knowing when words are used to help vs when words are used to harm. And her journey to finding her tribe was because of this flaw. So even in the end, she wins. Good always finds a way to triumph over evil. Always.

Perhaps the thoughts dancing in my heart at this exact moment are honouring all the people that have been on my path. Especially in the last year. I’ve had a lot of side steps where I failed to understand when words were being used to help vs when they were used to cause harm. My heart is pure and I typically assume others are also pure. When I get hurt, it’s because I assumed someone was a friend rather than a teacher. Some people are part of my tribe whereas others are just pitstops in my roadtrip. I’ve viewed myself as broken, healing, a Rhino in a China shop, invisible elf. Flow days are like being a Unicorn and training days are like being a Wildebeest. It’s all connected and it’s all a matter of [self] perception.

The person that floated into my heart this morning is an old friend. Our paths have been intertwined for nearly 20 years. We met selling shoes in highschool. The main difference between us, I use my garbage to fuel my success, he uses his garbage as an excuse to keep up his walls (treat others poorly). I’ve been on the receiving end more times than I care to admit, publicly. The truth is, I only have love in my heart for this person. He is not a part of my physical world but recently snuck into my emotional space. Worth acknowledging and sharing gratitude. To me, he was a big part of my life in Chicago. So it’s natural that he’s surfacing right now. I honour him and thank him for all the lessons for they have strengthened me in some way.

Another person that is dancing in my heart space is a college mate that I lost touch with but resurfaced about a decade later. He snuck under my radar in the best way possible. I allowed it. A perfect mix of meathead (familiar) and personal development (kindred). I mislabeled him as being a friend when reality was he was just another teacher (guiding light). I’m not sure why he’s surfacing other than perhaps one of his last comments to me was that he didn’t have faith that I’d accomplish my emotional goal of resilience. Clearly, he was projecting as he’s working through his own garbage but to say that to me? Someone that has a LONG history of crushing all sorts of goals, it’s kind of funny.

Looping back to Sandra Bullock, there is no such thing as good or bad. It’s just a matter of understanding the role of each person that crosses your path. Some people are only meant to be the truck driver giving some advice (teacher). Others are the Appleman creator. (friend/tribe). I’m not disappointed in people for being who they are. I’m not even disappointed about people trying to deceive me. For I made the mistake of listening to words rather than observe actions. Each misstep made it difficult for me to rebuild my faith in humanity and helped me build resilience. Each misstep created a challenge for me to trust myself and helped me build resilience. It was part of the process… to prove emotional resilience.

I’m still sensitive to judgements from people that I consider a friend but having that awareness is essential. It’s imperative for me to discern the difference between people that are projecting their own garbage (hurting) vs people that are shedding light on my blind spots (helping).

At the end of the day, aren’t they the same? I subconsciously allow people into my space because of the garbage they throw? It’s my subconscious allowing these baby vampires in to teach me something. They are two completely different people but they are the same energy. The same type of soul. The lesson was repeated but in different forms. Knowing this, why wouldn’t I have tremendous love in my heart? Why wouldn’t I want to twirl them on a dance floor? Send them a letter filled with words of love and gratitude? To me, they are misguided souls that can best be compared to Thomas Haden Church. At one point in my life, I thought they were Bradly Cooper but they were actually Thomas Haden Church. So much love for their role. So much love and acceptance. They are not malicious, just misguided.

I’ve always had a DJ Qualls and Katy Mixon in my world. It just took me falling into a manhole (of sorts) to realise all the magic that’s been right in front of me the entire time; helping me, cheering for me, supporting me each step of the way…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #Resilience #HealthyBoundaries #AllAboutSteve #Reflections #BabyVampires #Relationships