Tug of War for time.

Admitting there is a war is the first step in winning the war.

Is it being fought on my territory? Who is the war between? Is it between me and others or is it a war within? Is it a war that requires time or is there an easy solution? Are my allies really allies or are they snakes in the grass?

I’m emotional so I cannot honestly answer any of these questions.

I can listen to music to manipulate my body to the feel good state.

I can break a sweat (bike ride, swim, or my default jump chord… running).

I need to sit. I need to feel. I need to observe. I need to release.

I know what I need to do but I still find that I’m actively engaging in activities so that I don’t have to deal with ‘it’. But what is ‘it’?

My heart hurts. But why does my heart hurt? The people it hurts for don’t express hurt for me. So why do I care? Why do I struggle to let go? What does it actually mean to let go? Am I still attached? Can I find a happy balance between being present and unaffected?

To be IN the chaos and be at perfect peace.

I already know that 50% of my nuclear family is directly abusive. I know that they also indirectly harm me through my mom. But is my mom’s resistance to face reality mean that she’s just not strong enough or does it mean that she’s OK with others causing me harm?

Never once have I ever tried to control the relationship she has between mother/son or wife/ex-husband. I can give countless examples of how I’ve offered solutions for every problem they cause. They cause. Not me. Them.

The only part of my life that has disharmony is family. And that disharmony affects me greatly and then it spills into other parts of my world. But they are the root cause. I’m unaffected when I’m in Asia. Proximity affects me. Tremendously.

So being here, in the chaos, is what I need to do. But I find that I require more alone time than normal. If anything, to assess where the problem lies.

If I was at ends with others in my world then I’d accept that there is something that I need to adjust. But the ONLY thing that is causing me harm is a simple request, Please do not talk about me behind my back. If anything this request is the easiest in terms of conflict avoidance. It’s taking zero action. It’s sticking your nose in the air and telling someone that you are not going to be involved.

And yet, I’m sitting here, stressed out, with a broken heart because the person I generally turn to for all aspects of my life is unavailable. She was honest with her limits. Anything I tell her will end up with them. My abusers. She made her decision. She’s involved. She is allowing others to cause me harm. This isn’t an act of avoidance. This is an act of aggression.

It’s not about anything else. The only priority is to examine who is helping me and who is hurting me. And it’s fundamentally simple, if you know others cause me harm and you feed them information about me, you are part of the problem.

How do I resolve this in my heart? It’s been 7 days of trying to convince my heart of this truth. 7 days of accepting that my rock is no longer my rock. I have other rocks and my foundation is pretty strong. But to tell my heart that this rock is no longer available and there is NOTHING I can do to change it… that’s the most heartbreaking of all the truths I’ve had to face on this journey.

April 15, 2018 – My father is not my father but rather an abuser. (I’m still grieving this loss).

April 15, 2018 – My brother is not my brother but rather an abuser. (I’m still grieving this loss).

May 21, 2018 – My mother is not hurting but rather she is helping the others hurt me. (I need to accept and start this grieving process).

In what world is this acceptable. Where is the manual to process this? Who can offer the cliff notes? My heart hurts and I just want it to stop hurting. Grieving people that are still living is not easy. This entire situation is appalling. The sad thing is I know that I’ll still win. The fact that I’m still kind to others despite all of this family garbage means that I win. The fact that I can articulate the dysfunction means that I win. The moment I get my head and heart on the same page with this last truth will set me free.

Until that moment comes, the war is within. My head says that she’s hurting me, remove all opportunities to cause pain. My heart says give her a pass because hurt people hurt people. Build your resistance and be stronger to help her.

The war continues and I remove myself from all influences to get my head and heart on the same side. They need to be alliances, not enemies. Today is a day to be off-grid. Mother Nature will offer me the peace I need for the day. No distractions, just some grounding to get my head and heart on the same page… at least for a few hours. I’m not at peace. I’m fragmented…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyDysfunction #BrokenHearted #Understand #Accept #LetGo #JourneyToPeace

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: