I’m grieving the loss of a family that never existed

Yesterday, I felt that I was getting short tempered. I know that my rough edges were starting to expose themselves. I opted to just shut down and get back to basics. I put my phone in airplane mode. And I allowed myself to sit.

I did a few loads of laundry. Active meditation of sorts. Mindless activity to sort, clean and hang dry. Then I changed my clothes. I made a lemon water bottle and was going to lay in the grass. I wasn’t ready. I grabbed my laptop and belted out yesterday’s post. My mind was clear but my heart was hurting. My pain was leaking out in other forms. So let’s shut down and see what comes up…

I had 6 hours of quiet. 6 hours without exchanges with people. 6 hours without distractions. 6 hours of nothingness. BUT during the nothingness, I was able to open another lane on the highway between my head and my heart. Unveil another layer of myself to reach my core.

My heart is broken. I’ve been clear about that. I still feel absolute crazypants for some of my sharing and I know it’s because I still haven’t been able to find the right words. The words that capture everything. I can easily belt out 45k words of dysfunctional situations but the season of understanding has passed. I can negotiate healthy boundaries with those causing me harm but the season of acceptance has passed.

I’m stuck in the let go season. Such an odd term ‘let go’. What am I letting go of?

I’m letting go of a lie. I’m letting go of a fairytale. I’m letting go of the biggest deception of my life. I have mentioned a few times that I grew up with a supportive family. But if they were really supportive then why are things so hostile now? If things were actually as ‘good’ as I believe, then why the dysfunction now? What changed? Why did it change? Does it matter? Perhaps I’m in denial of my childhood? My childhood was the lie. I need to let go of the things I have believed to be truths but they were actually just beliefs.

Last night it all came together. Like a massive wave. An ah-ha moment. A revelation that I didn’t expect but what can one really expect during a year of healing? What do I mean when I keep saying Journey to peace? Journey to peace? What is peace? What journey? “Jess you are already peaceful. what more do you need?”

I acknowledge that I’m grieving the death of my father and my brother. I’m not ready to accept my mom but that will come in time. For now. I focus on grieving the death of people that never existed…

My father was only using me as a tool. My sole purpose in his world was to make him appear normal. As long as he could be viewed as a good father, then I was his daughter. As soon as I broke his image, our dynamic changed. I was no longer useful to him. His ‘love’ was conditional. I was tossed to the side. I was a tool.

My brother was also using me as a tool. There really isn’t much of an emotional sibling connection there so it’s a bit easier to let this relationship go or at least see it for what it is. But for him, I stopped offering value so I was tossed to the side. His ‘love’ was also conditional. I was a tool. The moment I stopped giving him stuff that he needed, I didn’t have any use. I was a tool.

The jury is out with my mom. No doubt she is being used as a tool by them. But is she also using me as a tool? Is her love also conditional?

How does one accept that everything they thought was true is a lie? How does one view their childhood as one thing and now have to question it. I shouldn’t have to question whether or not I was a daughter or a sister. I was family and family is there for one another. Is my family there for me now? During my year of healing? I am not working for a year specifically to focus 100% on my healing. Do they show up? To help? Or to cause more trouble? Is there still something fundamentally wrong with me that my core is OK with the continued hits because my mind says [to abusers] YOU ARE MAKING ME STRONGER? Is it ok that my heart is screaming [to my head] STOP MESSING WITH CRAZY. My head says [to abusers] HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT. My heart whispers [to my head] I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE, I BEG YOU TO PLEASE JUST STOP ALLOWING THEM TO DO THIS TO YOU.

My head and my heart were at odds. At first they weren’t even speaking to one another. Same book but different chapters. As the day continued, at least they ended up on the same page (no pun intended with my writing journey :)) The back and forth finished with acceptance. The reason why I’m struggling with my grieving process is not because I am grieving the loss of people that were always abusive to me. Rather I’m grieving the loss of people that pretended to be family as long as I offered them something. I’m grieving the loss of something that I didn’t really have. People that didn’t really exist.

It’s just a matter of how deep this runs. Is it just my father and my brother or is my mom included?

‘One time shame on you, two times shame on me.’ the sad part is that I’ve offered years worth of opportunities. Without fail, they continue to prove that they are not family. They are only family as long as I am providing something to them. I’m simply a tool to them. That’s the truth that I struggle to wrap my heart around… but it’s a truth.

Each day, they actually reinforce this as being a truth. There is no ‘are you OK? or how can I help? It’s just more blame shifting, failed accountability, coldness, and messaging that I’m the problem. Last I checked I’m the only one trying to fix anything so therein lies the problem… and the solution. It’s not about fixing my ‘flaws’ it’s about fixing my heart. My heart is broken because I’m grieving the loss of a lie. I’m grieving the loss of a family that never existed…

The journey continues…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyAbuse #Healing #JourneyToPeace

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