I have been surrounding myself with water signs… and air signs… and then the occasional fire signs. Typically my world is fire signs. I think it’s easiest to dance when surrounded by fire signs! Fire signs like to seek adventure. Experiences. Lots of them. There is no such thing as a bad experience. It’s either something magical or something learned. Easy. Of course, a WIDE ARRAY of emotions accompany these experiences. This is a learned place where limits are constantly being tested and growth takes place. Being comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Some would say that I like to challenge society norms…
In the context of [publicly] sharing a healing journey, this is true. I was the target of extreme emotional and psychological abuse. Domestic Violence. My wounds are invisible. To heal, I subjected myself to criticisms. I subjected myself to toxic people dedicated to disqualify my sanity. I subjected myself to super dysfunctional people that use my healing as a playbook to cause compounded harm. Just being honest, there are A LOT of consequences to what I have shared in public. LOTS. At the end of the day, I know that I’m not driven by ego because when I started this, it was because of my incredibly low sense of self-worth. Now, I can accept that I’m driven by finding the most efficient way to complete a challenge. My goal was Journey To Peace. Building resilience is confronting things head on. My approach has generally been full emergence! Perhaps this specific goal was high-risk. With great risk, you create the opportunity for great reward.
Last night, I watched the movie ALL ABOUT STEVE. Sandra Bullock is a crossword creator. She has these red boots and an insatiable desire to sprinkle goodness in the world! She talks A LOT. She’s extremely intelligent. She lacks a filter. She loves with her entire heart. Her biggest flaw is that she puts value in words without knowing when words are used to help vs when words are used to harm. And her journey to finding her tribe was because of this flaw. So even in the end, she wins. Good always finds a way to triumph over evil. Always.
Perhaps the thoughts dancing in my heart at this exact moment are honouring all the people that have been on my path. Especially in the last year. I’ve had a lot of side steps where I failed to understand when words were being used to help vs when they were used to cause harm. My heart is pure and I typically assume others are also pure. When I get hurt, it’s because I assumed someone was a friend rather than a teacher. Some people are part of my tribe whereas others are just pitstops in my roadtrip. I’ve viewed myself as broken, healing, a Rhino in a China shop, invisible elf. Flow days are like being a Unicorn and training days are like being a Wildebeest. It’s all connected and it’s all a matter of [self] perception.
The person that floated into my heart this morning is an old friend. Our paths have been intertwined for nearly 20 years. We met selling shoes in highschool. The main difference between us, I use my garbage to fuel my success, he uses his garbage as an excuse to keep up his walls (treat others poorly). I’ve been on the receiving end more times than I care to admit, publicly. The truth is, I only have love in my heart for this person. He is not a part of my physical world but recently snuck into my emotional space. Worth acknowledging and sharing gratitude. To me, he was a big part of my life in Chicago. So it’s natural that he’s surfacing right now. I honour him and thank him for all the lessons for they have strengthened me in some way.
Another person that is dancing in my heart space is a college mate that I lost touch with but resurfaced about a decade later. He snuck under my radar in the best way possible. I allowed it. A perfect mix of meathead (familiar) and personal development (kindred). I mislabeled him as being a friend when reality was he was just another teacher (guiding light). I’m not sure why he’s surfacing other than perhaps one of his last comments to me was that he didn’t have faith that I’d accomplish my emotional goal of resilience. Clearly, he was projecting as he’s working through his own garbage but to say that to me? Someone that has a LONG history of crushing all sorts of goals, it’s kind of funny.
Looping back to Sandra Bullock, there is no such thing as good or bad. It’s just a matter of understanding the role of each person that crosses your path. Some people are only meant to be the truck driver giving some advice (teacher). Others are the Appleman creator. (friend/tribe). I’m not disappointed in people for being who they are. I’m not even disappointed about people trying to deceive me. For I made the mistake of listening to words rather than observe actions. Each misstep made it difficult for me to rebuild my faith in humanity and helped me build resilience. Each misstep created a challenge for me to trust myself and helped me build resilience. It was part of the process… to prove emotional resilience.
I’m still sensitive to judgements from people that I consider a friend but having that awareness is essential. It’s imperative for me to discern the difference between people that are projecting their own garbage (hurting) vs people that are shedding light on my blind spots (helping).
At the end of the day, aren’t they the same? I subconsciously allow people into my space because of the garbage they throw? It’s my subconscious allowing these baby vampires in to teach me something. They are two completely different people but they are the same energy. The same type of soul. The lesson was repeated but in different forms. Knowing this, why wouldn’t I have tremendous love in my heart? Why wouldn’t I want to twirl them on a dance floor? Send them a letter filled with words of love and gratitude? To me, they are misguided souls that can best be compared to Thomas Haden Church. At one point in my life, I thought they were Bradly Cooper but they were actually Thomas Haden Church. So much love for their role. So much love and acceptance. They are not malicious, just misguided.
I’ve always had a DJ Qualls and Katy Mixon in my world. It just took me falling into a manhole (of sorts) to realise all the magic that’s been right in front of me the entire time; helping me, cheering for me, supporting me each step of the way…
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #Resilience #HealthyBoundaries #AllAboutSteve #Reflections #BabyVampires #Relationships