So many thoughts swirling through my head and so many emotions tugging at my heartstrings. I wouldn’t say I’m conflicted. I’m growing. I’m pulling myself out of a cycle that I’m all too familiar with… I’m observing.
A conversation with a kindred spirit (my favourite well wisher) reminded me of another subtlety. Most of the words that she expresses is of support and today they were of growth. It was more of an exchange rather than my heart just purging. She understands that the best way for me to heal is to simply allow a conscious flow. I ask myself questions and somewhere in the flow is the answers. It’s when I feel safe and get into flow that it’s actually my subconscious that takes over. It’s words that my mind articulated but a message from my soul.
These conversations are when I’m in alignment. Alignment is flow. And conversations with kindred spirits is when I can go from chaos to flow. It’s a messy conversation with self that is guided by an angel. It’s magical.
Our conversation was about 3hours 49minutes and each word had value or a lesson of some sort. Lots of nuggets shared only because she went through similar so knew how to guide me. I pick experience over theory 100%. I’m grateful for her time and presence… and the message that I want to share is kindred spirits vs familiar spirits…
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This healing journey has been difficult. I’m not even going to try and sugar coat it. It’s messy. It’s tear-filled. It’s honest. It’s heartbreaking. It’s raw. I’ve been sharing a LOT of truths on my blog and intentionally keeping certain people off my pages. The interesting thing about family abuse is that it’s not a single person, it’s a web of dysfunction. It’s the combination of multiple people that want to make me think that I’m the crazy one when in reality I’m the only person that is truthful about what happens behind closed doors. I can give so many examples but it’s a misuse of time and it means that my ego is leading this post. So, I’ll refrain. At least for now…
During the healing, I am reminded of my rose coloured lens. It’s not broken. It’s still intact, I’m just being selective on when to apply it. For the most part, it’s automatic but I’m getting stronger as the days pass. Today it occurred to me that when I’m confronted with a toxic person (someone trying to cause me harm), I can feel it. Spiritually, I can feel it. I recognize the energy and it feels as though someone punched me in the face and then I get a tingling down my entire body. Sounds odd but I guess you can call it my intuition?! This ability has kept me out of harm’s way for the better part of my life. I’ve been able to tap into this space and navigate situations with somewhat ease. PLOT TWIST, during healing, this doesn’t work. This force field is ‘broken’. It was in need of a massive tune-up. I’m calling the tune up my re-wiring but it’s actually a purification. Some of my posts have labelled this #JourneyToPeace as purification of my heart. It was only today that I was able to understand an example of it. I drove myself crazy for missing the dysfunctional energy that allowed me to be raped. I am also driving myself crazy with not knowing if someone in my direct line is depressed or emotionally manipulative. My intuition is clouded. I have said on a few occasions that intuition + emotions = danger zone.
I was befriended by someone on the interwebs. They started off by inquiring about my writing. After meeting, things escalated to offers about being business partners. Before I caught my breath, I was being pulled away from my healing journey and into his projects. I stepped back because I recognized he was trying to get me to work for free. My intuition didn’t pick up on him being a taker, a user, a potential abuser. Fast forward a month, I have set a handful of boundaries and this person is still trying to test my boundaries. He’s not harmful, just a taker. I know that I’m not in physical danger but I’m in spiritual danger. The other day was the first time that my intuition or my ‘punch in the face followed by a body wave’ returned. I was invited out, I politely declined. He called to convince me to change my mind, I declined. He’s not a woke person so I know his behaviour is not to intentionally harm, it’s playful. (I’m making excuses, he’s a grown man that constantly preaches about respect but he wouldn’t know it if it hit him in the face). I can say this because his energy is very familiar. At first, I thought this energy was that of a kindred spirit (well wisher) but it’s not kindred, it’s familiar. It’s the same energy of my father. Softer but the same. He demonstrates a lack of respect for authority, lack of respect for me, thinks that boundaries are just starting off points for negotiation, lacks integrity, complete disharmony between what is said in confidence and what is shown to the outside world… and most importantly, a brokenness that he tries to seek refuge in others rather than face the music and look inward.
This person was trying to condition me. He was making offers that he was unable, perhaps just unwilling to fulfill. I do not make it a habit of asking others for things because I do not want to give them an opportunity to hold anything over on me.
So, during a season where I have been second guessing my intuition, it seems that I’m back on the horse. Either I have successfully put my emotions in check OR the rewiring is working. This person is a predator and even though it took me about a month to realise it, my spirit came around. There is no lost love, just gratitude that this person was a lesson, never meant to be a lifetime. And I’m grateful to have learned the very subtle difference between a kindred soul and a familiar soul. Perhaps this is another piece needed to break a few more toxic cycles…
The journey continues…
#WhyIWrite #MentalAbuse #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Conditioning #NotTodaySatan #IntegrityIsImportant #FamiliarSouls #KindredSouls #ObserveTheBody #MasterTheMind #AwarenessBeforeChange #JourneyToPeace