I like to think of myself as being confrontational. I know this is the furthest from the truth. This label is actually one that was forced on me by family. It was used each time that I decided that I wanted to protect myself. Being confrontational meant using my voice against someone trying to cause me harm. Using my voice has not always resulted in positive things. Using my voice resulted in me being strangled. Using my voice resulted in having a loaded gun in my face. Using my voice resulted in being called all sorts of names ranging from too sensitive, crazy, unbalanced and my all time favourite drama queen/princess. Perhaps the most difficult part was acknowledging the truth on who thinks they are my friend vs who is actually my friend. Using my voice has traditionally resulted in others creating confusion (gaslighting) as an effort to keep me in my place (control), or simply remind me that my feelings are not valid and I should do what I’m good at: be a people pleaser. It’s absolute nonsense.
In the last few months, I’ve had some amazing teachers. I realised that I’m not really the person that others have been trying to paint me as. I have a lot happening but who doesn’t? Perhaps the magical thing about me is my ability to articulate the stuff happening, either during the storm or shortly thereafter. The reason for this post is to hold myself accountable for the progression of my processing. This is perhaps the first time that I’m actually feeling confident about using my voice and implementing healthy boundaries with others. Zero guilt. Just a blank look and a sassy ‘FFS, come at me with love or get off my path.’ When I’m fully connected to self, it’s more of a ‘thank you for the reminder. Our paths have diverged. I wish you well on your journey.’ The energy that I’ve been craving since the beginning of this journey is coming in waves. Plot twist, the source of energy is within… I’m stablizing. Less affected by external forces.
The ultimate growth has always been to be connected with self and detached from others. A sweet spot in Asia and a place that seemed impossible for the USA. For me, Asia is healthy, I built an incredibly strong network of empowered people. For me, the USA was not healthy. It was a network of self-serving people (abusers and enablers). Validation was a necessary evil; throughout the last year, my Asia based friends would ask me, “When are you going to accept dysfunction as dysfunction? Not everything needs to be understood [or fixed], just accept it and move along. It’s a losing battle, Jess.” They had a valid point and served as a reminder because I know before I know but I insist on questioning. Being honest, I stayed in the swamp for MANY personal reasons. To connect the dots. To be a lotus. To shift from survival to thrive at ground zero. Build a new muscle. Become a butterfly. To [finally] establish and maintain healthy boundaries with my biological family means that I’m unstoppable. Full emersion. To be in the storm and unaffected by the storm. To prove to myself that proximity to abusers no longer affects me.
Snapshot of important lessons helping me shift from heart chakra to crown… acknowledging truth.
In August, I shared the pain in my heart with a broken spirit. Rather than comfort me with his presence, he thought he had a magical penis. He’s so much more than a magical penis and I hope that he one day realises that. In hindsight, he was offering me something that he held very sacred. A virgin until marriage, this was something special for him but inappropriately executed towards me. This offering was the same day that my mom had emergency open heart surgery. Emotional for obvious reasons. On top of that, I realised that in the event that she wouldn’t make it out alive, I’d be forced to deal with the devil himself. Her son. True to form, during surgery, he was digging through her emails and gaslighting me to elicit an emotional reaction. My response was to throw my things into storage and hit the road. Walk away from it all. Physical space from questionable situations is necessary for my wellness. Create space to breathe. Grateful to identify a part of me needing extra love. The lesson, intentions vs execution of others become a serious complication for me when I’m in survival mode.
In September, I sought truth with the last bucket of my biological family. I accepted their offering to be a place to weather the storm. Within a week, they revealed my physical location to the very person that tried to take my life on multiple occasions. They also challenged my sanity for being upset. Gaslighting. Clouded by the concept of ‘family’, this caught me off guard. It took a few days to bounce back and realise that they didn’t betray me, I misplaced my trust. I took comfort in knowing that creating space in this situation was necessary to breathe. Was I running away from ‘problems’ or was I maintaining healthy boundaries? This time, I exercised my ‘confrontational’ muscle. I expressed my needs, I was dismissed and so I removed myself. I left. A truth revealed. Some truths are more difficult to digest than others. The lesson, I am capable of forgiveness and can continue to love others whilst recognizing they are only allowed in my world if they are good for my health. At the end of the day, they helped me [re]define family: love, loyalty, & respect. Nothing more, nothing less.
In February, I started using my voice towards a number of friends. I launched another side hustle and realised a powerful truth. The silence of others when I [finally] started celebrating my mini victories no longer stings. I tend to forget that inaction is an action. This was a valuable reminder because it called me out on how I was utilising my time/energy. Rather than get upset about being rejected by others, I started valuing myself more. The faster I was able to identify [and remove] parasitic relationships, the more space that was created for people good for my soul.
March was a HUGE growth month for me. Now that housing was stable (and felt safe), I shook up other aspects of my world. I evaluated the health of a few hustles. I disengaged from things not serving my highest good and shifted focus to build things that make me feel alive. I created space for some healthy habits, mainly cooking and physical activity (running/bike riding/zumba). Perhaps I’m ready to share all the professional advancements in the last 6 months… one word: RESILIENCE. I’m still dancing between heart and crown chakra. One truth that I’m extremely proud of… Jess World is absolutely MAGICAL! I keep moving forward, one day at a time.
Spot checking myself once again; some words from last year… a free flow session walking through the Fog with a Soft Heart & a Strong Mind.
#WhyIWrite #Healing #Recovery #EmotionalAbuse #Trauma #DomesticViolence #Resilience #Chakras #SelfCare #HealthyBoundaries #JourneyToPeace