My dreams are getting active once again. It’s a sign of alignment between my consciousness and subconsciousness. Rather than focus on what happened in the dream, I spent a few minutes observing how I was feeling. What was I still holding onto? Who was the teacher offering me a valuable lesson? And more importantly, what is the relationship between old emotions that are surfacing vs new ones. In my opinion, there are immediate feelings that crop up when I think of certain people.
Last night, the dream was at my childhood home. Something happened in the driveway where I ended up putting a bag on top of a car. It ended up being my mother’s car. She called me to yell at me for being careless with the bag. Interesting to note that she’s never actually yelled at me for being careless with material things. In the dream, rather than engage in the argument, I simply smiled and apologized. A few frames later, my father was asking if everything was OK? He saw what happened between me/mom and wanted to make sure that I was OK. I thanked him for the concern and wished him a good day. Interesting to note that our relationship has not historically been one where he has asked if I was ok. It’s always assumed. Perhaps my father is more of a law of attraction person that I have previously given him credit for… I do admire people that speak in absolutes. There is a strange comfort in knowing we are all powerful enough to speak things into existence.
The 2 emotions during the dream started off strong. Frustration and then peace. Almost as if I had a thousand pounds on my shoulders and was sinking in the sand. I was frantically trying to find a solution – to fix something but the reality was there was nothing to fix. If that makes sense. Does this mean that I’m coming to terms with the way things are? Perhaps. Do I still love my family with something strong? Absolutely. However, at this exact moment, they are still unhealthy for me so they are not part of my world. Reflecting on the dream at a deeper level, I think the images of my parents are of their inner child. My mother is absolutely beautiful, a beautiful soul. She has spent a lifetime suppressing her emotions and in her dream, she felt comfortable enough to express herself. A true honour. And for my father, I also believe that he is absolutely beautiful, also a beautiful soul. He has spent a lifetime using anger/control as a means to protect himself. To see his gentle side was also an honour. It means he was trusting and filled with love.
At the start of my #JourneyToPeace, I idolised both my parents. Despite any harmful behaviour, I held them on a pedestal. Hardly questioning their behaviour because questioning it was very difficult. Each time that I stood up for myself, I hit resistance. Subtle ways of being punished for doing what was best for me. All behaviours out of deep seeded fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of disharmony. Fear of abandonment. But who was abandoning who? Were they abandoning me or was I abandoning myself? Justifying behaviour is enabling. Or is it justifying AND ACCEPTING is enabling. At the moment, I think that justifying is for understanding. If I allowed this behaviour into my space, then it’s enabling.
Setting healthy boundaries can feel difficult. Maintaining them can feel like an impossible task. Boundaries are a sign that the focus has shifted from others to self. This is important to understand because, in the last few weeks, the Universe has offered me a number of tests. I read that to test your growth, the Universe will offer you something that you’ve asked for and then immediately after offer you a distraction. A simple way of testing your loyalty to growth. Perhaps even help identify where your focus is placed, internally or externally. Choosing the ‘new thing’ is for growth and choosing the distraction is still in the cycle. Oversimplification of course.
Phone calls. No, thank you. Emails. No, thank you. Energies entering my forcefield. No, thank you. No harm intended. No harm received. Just a buttload of self-care. “NO” is not an act of aggression, it’s a way for me to protect myself in a healthy way. Physically. Sexually. Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually.
In my dream, I was not combative. In reality, my reality, the last few weeks has been sprinkled with opportunities to maintain healthy boundaries with people that have previously tried to disrupt my peace. Are they bad people? Not at all. For they did not know they were not just hurting me but they were hurting themselves… Ignorance is a choice. Most of them are so clouded by their own pain that they are unwilling to embrace my perspective. My heart still breaks for those in pain. However, I remind myself that their pain is THEIR pain and NOT my responsibility.
And I accept that I’m entering a phase of being OK with other’s emotions. Not everything has to be unicorns and rainbows. Sitting with heavy things is sometimes necessary for growth.
A great article to spot check my growth is Emotional Kung Fu. The article was written in Novmber 2017… early days when I was ripping off the bandaide for my deep dive into self. The end goal has always been Journey To Peace.
#Resilience #Growth #PersonalDevelopment #Abuse #Recovery #Rewiring #Reframing #Family #Love #SelfCare #SelfLove #Emotions #Wellness #Health #AbuseRecovery #OneDayAtATime #JourneyToPeace