So many things to say but I’m unable to find the right words. My heart is conflicted on a few levels. The last few weeks, it’s been cluttered with embracing being discarded by my mother, betrayed by my great auntie, emotionally dismissed by my great uncle, criticised by a lover, chased by kindred souls, supported by friends, and… loved by me.
I feel like the Father in Guess Who Is Coming to Dinner. I’m trying my hardest to make sense of everything when my default is to simply get lost in the emotion of it all. Get swept away in a tizzy of magic. But life has taught me that the only way to maintain a soft heart is to have a strong mind. To which events can I allow my heart to recklessly dance and to which events do I need to protect my heart with something fierce? Which words plant (or water) seeds to inspire growth vs which actions are being perceived with my foggy lens?
‘If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it’s meant to be.’ Perhaps that’s love but then how does the concept of putting yourself out there play into it? Since my near-death experience in 2009, I made a promise to myself to always express what’s in my heart (aka letters of gratitude). Even if I think I would be rejected, it was more important (to me) that others knew how much I cared about them or why I was grateful for their presence. To confess my feelings doesn’t cost me anything but it could cost me everything. To say I love you is not something that costs anything… but when considering the missed opportunity of a lifelong bond, that cost is something that I wouldn’t want to endure. Too many times, I hear about others with regrets “I wish I told him/her that I loved them” “I wish that I hit snooze just one more time to hold the person I loved” “I wish that I woke up to experience you witnessing magic” (this last one was said to me in the context of watching me get lost in Jess World… specifically observing me as I watch the colors of the sunrise/sunset dance across the sky… that said, the same person also thought that it was cute to see my nostrils flare when something bothered me all I could manage to say was I’M FINE). People crack me up.
It’s no secret that I’m a love bug. Perhaps self-proclaimed. Perhaps socially acknowledged. I’m not sure. I know that sharing my healing journey has allowed others to fall in love with me more freely. There is a certain magic that comes along with being naked. Soul naked. Exposed. Fully. After all, one can easily fall in love with my smile but one can only truly fall in love when they understand the pain in the deepest part of my heart. For this space is where my deepest love resides. And sharing my pain reveals the depth of my love. Who wouldn’t be captivated with such a tremendous vulnerability?
I’m trying my hardest to focus on the people that celebrate me. The people that create space for me. I’m still trying to take up space. As a matter of fact, my mantra (in my diary) for Monday-Thursday is “TAKE UP SPACE”. I’m not taking criticisms very well. Compliments are great but the criticisms are not good. Backhanded compliments are not compliments. Direct, slap me in the face “you have a beautiful heart’ ‘your soul is speaking to me’ ‘I feel your presence’ ‘I need to see you’ are the best type of compliments. They remind me that not only am I loved but I’m honoured, celebrated, and worthy.
There are a number of people that are reading my blog that will question if my words are directed towards them. If you think they are, then yes. Trust your gut. Follow the flow. Do more of whatever makes your heart beat faster. Surround yourself with what makes your soul feel at peace.
The last few weeks, I have made mistakes and have not been forgiven for them. I have been overwhelmed with emotions and when expressed, I am rejected rather than embraced. Each time, the rejection hurts less. So I take it as a growth. 3 weeks ago, the support structure that I invested 9 months building, collapsed. I know that I’m never alone but that was the first time that I felt completely alone. It’s during the moments of being alone that the mind is able to quiet the noise and listen to the heart. When this happens, my walls go up. If anything to create space for myself to reconnect. Disconnect from others to reconnect to self. At the end of the day, self-love is the best love. And figuring out what I need, not want, but need, is essential for wellness.
Life is magical. Fact. But it’s the people that cross your path that bring things to life. People are what give things purpose. People will come and go. Usually lugging their own garbage. Some will throw their garbage. Others will try to hide it. The most special people are the ones that show up, every.single.day. They acknowledge both their own garbage and mine. They never try to clean my garbage, they just sit next to me as I clean it up myself. They offer hugs when I want to collapse and a whisper ‘just keep going’ when I lose my way. 3 weeks ago, I lost my way.
Life is magical. Absolutely. Without question. And now, I’m in a space of people that say, ‘I see your garbage and I have some too. It’s all going to be OK because I believe in you.’