Internal negotiations to practice Self Care

Last night I had the pleasure to share a meal with some kindred souls. During the dinner, I realised a few things about myself. Powerful things. Obviously these things are in my heart and fueling the words for this post…

I’m really talented at articulating things. Feelings. Situations. And then outlining various perspectives. I’ve been complimented on this before and last night, I was explaining something to one person whilst the other was nodding in agreement and even commenting with ‘FINALLY, SOMEONE THAT UNDERSTANDS WHAT I AM FEELING’.

My heart felt full and it also broke, slightly.

Stepping back, addressing setting (and maintaining) healthy boundaries is not fun. In a perfect world, everyone would be decent so there would not be a need to have difficult conversations. The reality of the world, is these conversations need to take place more often that we like to admit. Being a survivor of domestic violence, this is a soft spot. A muscle that I’ve been consciously building. I still prefer to avoid unhealthy situations but when they crop up, this is what happens. The gentle negotiation between my head, heart, & intuition.

Head: This is no longer meant for us. Set a boundary and be done with it.

Heart: Cut them some slack. They didn’t do anything on purpose. It was just a mistake.

Head: There is no such thing as a mistake, it’s a matter of consciousness. Pure intentions with failed execution is not your issue. Do not allow them to make their problems, your problem. Walk away from their misalignment. This is not healthy.

Heart: But clearly they need help. Who would want to consciously hurt another human being? Let’s give them another chance?

Intuition: Told you so. This always happens when you 2 ignore me.

Head: Fair enough but we are still reprogramming. Cleansing if you will. Aligning. So much noise, how can we trust you when we cannot hear you?

Heart: I hate seeing people hurt themselves but if we set this boundary, they might end the friendship. I feel guilty. I feel cruel. I feel we are lacking compassion. Maybe we are being too rigid?

Head: If they ditch us, then it’s validation that we are not on the same path. Besides, eagles cannot soar when surrounded by turkeys. Set the boundary and let’s be on our way. This is easy…

Heart: I don’t want to hurt their feelings. Maybe they are having an ‘off day’ and it’s our job to be kind.

Head: Kind to whom? Who is the priority? Them or us? Why do you insist on allowing others to treat us this way? It’s ridiculous.

Intuition: The Universe is going to continue to offer lessons until we sort this out. I’m tired.

Head: 67% connected… Heart, jump on board. Please…

Heart: I miss our family. Every time that we are in this situation, it reminds me of being abandoned by family. When will it hurt less?

Head: ok. This is not family. It’s not going to hurt (as much) as with family. This is part of the process. We are doing good. Each time we have to set a boundary, we get stronger. Maybe it’s time that we start to listen to Intuition. I’ll try to stop questioning her. Can you do your best to see people for who they are rather than who they could be?

Heart: !!! But potential is part of magic. You want me to stop believing in magic?

Head: *Facepalm* Heart, we are magic. Magic is effortless. You are trying to fix something that is not meant to be fixed. Our only mission is to observe. And then walk away from things that do not serve our highest good. We create magic because we are magic. We cannot create magic if we are not in our lane; fixing other people is not our lane. They have to create their own magic. Our path is diverging from them. It’s OK to let go. Nothing belongs to us.

Intuition: here comes another wave of lessons… Our focus is on us and our wellness…

Here is a deeper dive into my journey to peace. Spot cheking my progress. What was once a tug of war is now a gentle internal negotiation. It hurts less.

#WhyIWrite #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #Trauma #Recovery #Healing #Growth #Resilience #SelfCare #HealthyBoundaries #LetGo #Love #Family #OneDayAtATime #JourneyToPeace

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