About 6 months ago I asked myself a simple question. Well, I thought it was a simple question. WHAT DOES JOURNEY TO PEACE MEAN?
In short… it means come to terms that my my biological family doesn’t love me in a conventional way. They love me in a do as I say otherwise I’ll kill you / isolate you / make you question your sanity way. It’s toxic. So journey to peace is deconstructing, embracing, removing, cleansing, rewiring and then moving forward… with love. Detaching. With.love.
Establishing healthy boundaries was difficult. Maintaining those healthy boundaries felt impossible. I would often get lost down many rabbit holes of guilt, shame, and then questioning my own self-worth (and sanity). Healing is messy. It’s not only bubble baths, meditating, and finding your breath. It’s accpeting inconvenient truths and reframing your position in your own personal story. Life doesn’t happen to me, it happens for me. I believe this with all my heart… and this is the shift from victim to hero, respetively.
Journey to Peace. It’s not just saying that I’m OK with how things are with my biological family but actually being ok with it. It’s being 100% open when people ask where I’m headed. Assuming that I’m headed to a support group and I disclose where I’m actually headed. No shame in getting help. LOTS of pain but no shame in acknowledging that I’m building various supportive channels.
Journey to Peace. The last few nights, my dreams have been VERY active. I haven’t been dreaming in a few months and all of the sudden, lots of people are visiting me. Supposedly it means that the person visiting me in my dreams wants to see me in reality. I’m not sure I subscribe to that concept. I think that dreams are simply the subconscious and super subconscious getting together… and exposing some places that need extra love. Last night, an old friend from Hong Kong surfaced. He’s getting married in a few weeks. I’m not invited to the wedding but I’ve been a pillar of support for years – perhaps he needs a friend. Old Jess would send an email filled with good vibes and well wishes. New Jess is most likely going to sit back and just observe. I’m trying to accept evolution of friendships and try not to inject myself into situations that I have no business being in. Does that make sense? To me, yes. I’m going to stop hurting myself. The night before, the visitor in my dreams was a friend from college. I was very hurt by this person because I felt that he tried to create a safe place for me to be vulnerable but the first opportunity of sharing some pain in my heart and he acted like most guys and thought he had a magical penis. Perhaps pure intentions but massive failure with execution. Am I playing the victim role? Or simply sharing a diffculty in recovery? I’m not sure. I caught feelings for this guy and feelings are not typically rational. Old Jess would find the silver lining and send over a letter of gratitude (truth be told, I’ve already written the letter). New Jess is going to sit back and observe. Does this make sense? To me, yes. I’m going to stop hurting myself.
What’s the theme? Accept people for what they are, not whom I wished they were.
The family, blinded by their own pain and unable to understand how their actions affect others. I allowed their behaviour towards me to worsen. I was an active participant.
The friend getting married was a dear friend. Part of my extended family even. Reality is that he only reached out when things went tits up and he felt alone. I allowed this behaviour to feed into my low self-worth. I knew but ignored. I was an active participant.
The lover that took advantage of me wasn’t malicious, just an opportunist. Society norm is that sex solves problems. It’s root chakra behaviour. I allowed this to happen as this was my way to deal with family chaos for about 10 years. I was offered an opportunity to fall into old habits or evolve. I was an active participant.
I can easily entertain circular conversations on justifying toxic behaviour, being an enabler and then apologizing for things that I shouldn’t take responsiblity for. In the end, I’m not sorry to any of them. I’m sorry to myself. I am consistently greeted with opportunities to choose me… and it wasn’t until recently that I acknowledge that self care is a daily habit. It’s my [new] norm. It’s making a redonkulous breakfast fit for a princess. It’s saying NO (and being comfortable with NO being a complete sentence). It’s doing things because I want to, not because I feel I’m supposed to. It’s recognising that being in flow is one of the most beautiful states to be in… when the world is quiet and the Universe honours me with seredipities. Messages from unsuspecting sources. A weather man at the bus stop. A veteran on the street. The colours of the sunset. A table filled with all sorts of temptations (and distractions). Random calls that are not so random. Text messages from people that I haven’t spoken with in months… and I land on their radar. Manifestations of purifying my heart. Increasing my vibe. Not just creating love but BEING LOVE.
Detaching with love. Journey to Peace is detaching with love.
Am I OK? Am I at peace with how things are with my biological family? I’m not 100% sure because is anyone really OK with being discarded by their family? I know that a few weeks ago, they were the first thought when tested. And a few nights ago, when my biological brother’s college roommate texted me, my first thought wasn’t them, it was me. Not about my safety. But about whatever I was doing at that exact moment. No warning lables. No pleas. Just a simple, nice to hear from you and catch you around sometime! What freedom. What peace. What a buttload of hard work to get to this exact place… thank you, Jess.
I’m no longer justifying behaviour of others or feeling ashamed of my own needs. The last few months, I’ve been stepping back and just observing. Getting lost in my own world… and now I’m back to sharing my build. Publicly.
Lots to share… the build continues…
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Trauma #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #CoDependency #NarcissisticAbuse #Family #Healing #Recovery #BeYourOwnHero #OneDayAtATime #GoalCrusher #JourneyToPeace