Day 16. Freewriting. Why is it that I’m ok to live outside my comfort zone with most things, except for sharing my inner thoughts?
Is it because I still feel self-conscious about whether or not I’m mentally deranged? What’s the standard for being bi-polar? Maybe I should get a proper psych analysis. What’s the big deal? Why should I subject myself to another’s opinion? Why am I resisting the opinion of a professional but accepting the judgment of a peer?
Maybe my resistance to sharing my inner thoughts is because they have been thrown in my face before. The more transparent I become, the larger the target on my back. I enjoy helping people and I’m still working on setting boundaries. How cold is it to turn your back on someone in need? Why do I maintain idealistic ideals in a world of corruption? Rules are meant to help people live in peace. The moment the rules are broken or not respected, chaos happens. Who am I to be the judge and jury on when the rules are broken? Why is it that people don’t understand that happiness cannot be achieved at the expense of others? If I feel the world is getting more and more dysfunctional, then that means I’m the minority… and the minority is the one with the issue. When will I be considered dysfunctional (by society standards)?
What’s the difference between being quirky and being odd? What’s the difference between being aggressive and being strong? What is strength? Is it standing up for yourself? Or is it standing still and seeing how much you can absorb?
I’m struggling to see the humanity in humanity at times. Light overcomes darkness every.single.time. Usually it takes me 3 days to rebound. I have a strong sense of self and I get back to basics. Letters of Gratitude reinstate my focus on the good. Sports helps me build my machine and sometimes all I need is to break a sweat. Sports also forces me to be present so I slow down my thinking. Meditation is just an entirely different ball game. On a superficial level, it clears my skin. Deeper, it allows me to let go and increase my compassion for others. Deepest level, it purifies and strengthens my soul. I have all the answers within. I know this. Sometimes I enjoy grappling with myself. Sometimes I need to stop being in autopilot and increase my understanding of self.
I hate myself every time I forget to chose love. I know you are hurting and scared. I also know that you like to hide things from me. I don’t understand this because you have repeatedly told me that I calm your nerves. So being hard on myself, either I’m not really good at calming your nerves OR I’m just a terrible person. I’m working on removing that tender part that snaps back. I’ve improved by not snapping back straight away. I give myself an hour before saying anything. But the words are just as heavy. My illusion that they pack a lighter punch. I know that I’m value added. Perhaps my bite back is exposing my questionable value added. I hate that you believe that I’m going to break my word. I’m not like everyone else.
Starting to have second thoughts about this whole vulnerability thing. I’ve been writing for nearly 2 decades and sharing my morning rambles is questionable. Perhaps it will give others insight on how to hurt me. Perhaps it will humanize me. I’m not overly concerned with how others are intrepreting my words. That’s a lie. I’m concerned only because my mind is in overdrive on how they will possibly come back to bite me in the face. You know the world is on crack when a letter of gratitude is called insincere. Or when people think that it’s acceptable to give compliment sandwiches. I love being called aggressive when I cannot remember a single fight that I started. My entire life is based on putting out fires, preventing fires, or stroking the egos of knuckleheads. Sometimes I think that I desreve a meltdown. But then again, that would just prove how much I care. I’d rather people just read my words and make assumptions.
I spent a bunch of hours revamping my personal website. I wouldn’t call it rebranding… as much as restructuring. I know all the goals that I have in front of me but it’s a bit cloudy from an outsider’s perspective. The biggest goal is to just be. The last time I was in be mode, it took about 10 months to completely shatter me. This time around, I’m very mindful of my circle. I’m publically expressing my crazypants but I should stop feeling guilty for having a heart. Our creators know the world could use a bit more love. I cannot wait for the 100% consistency of giving hugs, real hugs, to those bent on tearing down others.
I’ve also decided that I don’t like sarcastic people. There is truth in all words and if they have a problem, then they should voice it clearly and directly. Sarcastic people are complete a-holes. I take that back, sarcastic people are just scared of speaking their truth or still haven’t accepted their truth. Nothing is final. If you don’t like your truth then own it and fix it. Nothing is final. Everything is a process. I listened to an interesting vlog between Rich Roll and Lance Armstrong. Rich has such an amazing strength (thanks to his incredible journey) and I think that Lance could learn a lot from the peace that was put in front of him. My segway was based on the reaction rather than response of Lance. He was very defensive. At moment, I’m more similar to Lance than I am to Rich. I’ll get there… slowly. I’m having a heck of an interesting time surfing this chapter though.
I’m allowed bad days. Just embrace them, understand them, clean them, then emotional kung fu them to a point where I can see the beauty in EVERYTHING.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Vulnerable #Freewriting #JourneyToPeace