It’s [relatively] easy to understand the difference between the emotional mind and the rational mind when you are NOT in an emotional state. For me, being in the USA, I feel that I’m constantly in an emotional state. Rather than observe my emotions, I tend to feel like I’m drowning in them. My perception of my own reality should be questioned. To be fair, I question most things in life. And also to be fair, I believe in magic. For real. Magic exists.
It doesn’t help that it seems like some people are trying to assign emotions to situations. “Don’t be mad” “I know you are upset” “Don’t get worked up” “Let me know when you are calm and ready to accept an apology”. Projections of others when I establish a healthy boundary. Because it’s much easier to assign an emotion to me rather than evaluate their own behaviour and hold themselves accountable? Very funny behaviour. Exhausting but funny. There is also a group of people that push boundaries to see how far they can take a ‘joke’ and then my personal favourite (note the sarcasm) the ones that provoke emotions just for fun. Ignoring these people tend to attract more. Acknowledging this part of humanity seems to keep them at bay. (Establishing healthy boundaries is a tedious process, especially after a rebuild/during recovery). Either way, people are hilarious. Everyone is a teacher; offering blessings or lessons. Thankfully, I’m connected to self enough to see truth. Detached from others enough to not be affected. Just observe. And feel. For the most part.
A few days ago, I opened a can of worms. I started to think about the friends I have allowed into my space. Reframing if they were healthy for me and if I was healthy for them. Not that they are good or bad, but questioning health. I’m searching for patterns. Habits to address. Cycles to break. Are they calming (or triggering) my insecurities? Are they expanding (or disrupting) my peace? Are they honouring (or playing) with my heart? It’s nothing they are doing consciously because I feel things on a deeper level. I pick up on small nuances. I learned how to connect dots. It’s just a matter of if I’m leaning into familiar or kindred situations. Familiar is the one that I cannot fully express myself (people pleasing and questionable self-worth) whereas kindred is the one that knows before I know (healthy standard of magic and unconditional love). Constantly questioning myself and examining my boundaries. Sometimes, I think that I’m crushing it with surrounding myself with dope souls. Other times, I think my soul is an asshole that is challenging my sense of self and awareness. Am I operating from a rational or emotional state? Am I self-aware?
Last summer, I started catching feelings. Emotional state. I wasn’t sure if the feelings were to fill a void in my own heart or a distraction because I was scared to deal with processing some inner garbage. I disengaged. Returned to center. Thankfully, he was healthy enough to know that if anything was going to happen between us, that wasn’t the right time. Our paths diverged gracefully. A person that knew before I knew. VERY grateful. My emotional state thought he was familiar. Rational state knew he was kindred. When in an emotional state, I cannot discern the difference.
This summer, I’m honouring stability. A stable sense of self, community, housing, income, activities… Most things are stable. Social circles that offer an array of activities from physical to creative. I have my buckets. Life is starting to resemble normalcy. At least by my standards of normal. I’m getting comfortable with letting go of things that no longer serve me or my wellness.
Two messages that keep surfacing. A post from one of my favourite IG accounts,
“It took me a long time to learn that healing doesn’t mean I’ll be strong enough to put up with anything – It’s that I no longer want to be a person strong enough to put up with anything.” #NFYT often speaks to my heart on the need to have healthy boundaries. That in itself is externally focused, healthy boundaries are about keeping people at bay. Whereas SELF-CARE is doing more of whatever makes me feel alive! Small but important difference. Is it the same, kind of. Same result. Different approach. A different type of tug of war. This IG account helps me focus on self-care. And then there are some words I shared last year. An old blog post Acceptance of a familiar soul vs a kindred soul.
#HealthyBoundaries #SelfCare #EmotionalWellness #DomesticViolence #Recovery #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth #PowerInThePause #Reflections #Anxiety #Depression #CPTSD #BeYourOwnHero #JourneyToPeace