Global Goodwill Ambassador

A month ago, I was acknowledged. I was validated. I was honoured for some pretty intense [humanitarian] work. About a year ago, I decided to turn into my pain and confront a troubled relationship. During the process, I was able to identify who was helping me heal and who was helping my oppressor cause additional pain & suffering. During this process of self-discovery, I learned that I’m truly limitless and the broken that I felt was a projection of others, not how I actually felt about myself.

I know that I’m imperfect. I think that my imperfections are AMAZING!! I love how I snort when something is super funny. I love how excited I get when I meet a kindred soul. I think everyone is a friend, everyone. I embrace the hurt when others cause me harm (intentionally or otherwise). I love love love to see dreams come true and friends accomplish something they have been working towards. I even get a kick out of my need to check out of reality for a short while (I need to get back to basics and reconnect with myself). I think it’s funny that I enjoy being a flight risk because then it means when I spend time with someone, it’s because I want to be there, not because I have to be there. And yes, my favourite men will always be Rocky (my bike) and Coco (my stuffed monkey). ZERO shame in appreciating the little things in life… The most important thing that I love about myself is understanding that my heart is my biggest strength and also my biggest weakness. If my heart embraces everyone, then I NEED to bring my head along to ensure that my heart beats for ME and not someone causing me harm.

This #JourneyToPeace resulted in #BeYourOwnHero. And through that shift, I have been able to share my story with hundreds of teenagers. I have hosted multiple workshops to help others identify dysfunction and then grow from it. This powerful advocacy work put me on the radar of a group of AWESOME humanitarians. My work in the domestic violence recovery space resulted in an invitation to join a group of open hearts. During my most vulnerable moment, I was recognized, validated, and honoured for helping others whilst I was still trying to help myself.

With a full heart… I am beyond tickled to share that I am part of a group of 6,000+ humanitarians. A global initiative that is supported by the UN Sustainability Goals.

I am a Global Goodwill Ambassador.

Screen Shot 2018-10-05 at 5.07.42 PM

#WhyIWrite #Resilience #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #GGA #GGAFamily #RedefinedFamily #Humanitarian #EmpoweredWoman #EmpowerOthers

Resilience: The art of being a Lighthouse

There are so many thoughts racing through my mind at the moment. I believe the Universe is urging me to connect the dots… the dots being mental wellness and the corporate world. Are the two related? If yes, how?

To me, it’s about being a lighthouse. And to be a lighthouse, one must have heightened awareness AND resilience.

Let’s break it down. A ramble if you will… Lighthouses attract both boats AND bugs! The boats are useful as they are carrying goods for other people. Bugs [at piers] are simply annoying. They do not offer much value, if any! That said, are the bugs bad? Not necessarily… they are just present. Their presence only becomes troublesome if they are in large quantities. Otherwise, their presence is simply not an issue. You cannot change a bug because a bug is a bug. Just be aware of their presence and accept them for what they are, a bug. Boats are value added, bugs are not. Or are they?

Corporate World. My goodness are both present! The boats (leaders/abundance mindset) AND the bugs (managers/fear mindset)! The biggest question is which side tips the scales? How are you protecting yourself? Do you have the tools to constantly increase your awareness? The quote, ‘Learn the rules like a pro, to break them like an artist’ starts dancing in my head when I think about corporate shenanigans. Always be detached. Present but detached. Observe. Remember that everything is a game. The objective is to pull others into your peace before they can pull you into their storm. It’s nothing more than a game.

These thoughts are dancing in my mind as I have recently accepted a few new coaching clients. The main theme is to manage stress or pick yourself up after an unforeseen obstacle. The main theme has been [emotional] resilience. Building the muscle of resilience takes a bit of work. I think that it’s perfect timing as society has been heavily promoting positivity. But life is not always positive. Life is filled with ups and downs. The objective is to increase the ups and manage the downs. The only way to manage the downs is to build the muscle. The only way to build the muscle is to know what to look for… Do you know what to look for? Looping back, are bugs value added?

I think they are extremely value added. For their presence, albeit unintentional, bugs offer a massive service for your overall wellness. And emotional resilience!

Being a lighthouse, the presence of both the boats and the bugs are unavoidable! Boats intentionally help you. Bugs unintentionally help you. Both are useful in their own way. Both help you grow in their own way. Both are phenomenal teachers. It’s just a matter of awareness to understand the lesson being taught…

If your world is filled with an abundance of bugs? How are you managing it? Do you need help? Let me know!

 

Italy

In a world of chaos… I can always connect here. Italy touched my heart and my soul…

#Travel #GlobalNomad #Italy #Rome #Ostia #Florence #Naples #Salerno #AmalfiCoast #Maiori #Minori #RoadTrip #Love

Observe the Body, Master the Mind

Most know that when I get on the gratitude train, it’s because I’m working through a hardship. Perhaps something small like a misstep or perhaps something threatened my bubble of magic. Typically my way out of the darkness is writing a buttload of letters of gratitude. This is a phenomenal habit but it’s not helpful for my current season. I didn’t need to find the gratitude, I needed to accept reality. I needed to crack my rose coloured lens and seek truth. Not everyone has a pure heart or honourable intentions. Can I find the strength to forgive myself and others for intentionally, maliciously, AND habitually causing me harm? Do I fully understand that being quiet about dysfunction is enabling the behaviour to continue? Is it my battle to embrace? Silence is acceptance. My silence is giving the message that the behaviour is acceptable. When I’m quiet, there are no consequences other than my pain. Silence is one of the biggest factors on why domestic violence continues. Lack of accountability is another. If you knew you could get away with something, would you do it? (the mass majority of humanity lacks integrity so the answer can be assumed YES).

This cycle is not healthy. It’s mental gymnastics. To slow myself down, I decided to explore meditation practices. It took me a few years to find one that made me comfortable. I found peace with Vipassana. Hardly doing anything half-way… my deep dive was in terms of a 10-day silence retreat on a secluded island… in the tropics.

Meditation was the perfect tool to help me get comfortable with all my suppressed emotions. Process all my inner garbage. Learn to love myself. And understand how everything is connected… I acknowledged a problem (overactive mind) and I congratulate myself for seeking help to slow myself down. Learn how to be present. Be mode.

It was time to get to work.

My first 10-day retreat was interesting: I was looking for validation but validation of what? I was looking for understanding but understanding of what? I didn’t need a solution or someone to point out my shortcomings. I knew what was needed. The answers were within. But how to crack the code? How to translate the feels? How to understand myself at core level? I needed to break my rose coloured lens. I knew the reality. It was time to accept it. I was successful in building my support network and intuitively knowing what I needed. But something happened and I needed to reset. Was I ready to acknowledge what was happening? Sit with my emotions. Familiarise myself with the emotions. Is it anger? Pain? Feeling betrayed? Helplessness? Empowerment? Being taken for granted? Observe the body, stop looking for a label. What is happening to the body. Heart rate is elevated. Skin is crawling. Stomach feels like someone just punched me. Lungs feel like someone is squeezing them. My toes are numb. My shoulders are tense. My back hurts. The only comfortable position is laying on the cold floor in fetal position. Do you think anyone would notice? Sit up, Jess. Fix your posture. Vipassana style. 3 deep breaths. Try again! Observe the body. Observe. Let the thoughts run out just as fast as they ran in. Observe the body. The storm passes. I rode the wave. Now can we talk about it?

The glow in my soul was ridiculous. It was noticed by everyone. I’m usually a burst of sunshine but after a meditation retreat… and the massive purification. It’s one for the books! My first retreat was in 2014. I’ve completed a 10-day sit as both a student and a server each year since. My last retreat was in 2017. This tool is super powerful. It’s tough work but so incredibly powerful.

It takes 10 days to learn the process. It takes a lot of work to purify your soul. The most magical part is the increased sensitivity to the world… now that I can see things as truth and I know how to listen to my intuition (once again), I can choose when to apply my rose coloured lens. I suspect my next objective is a matter of learning (and enforcing) healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries mean that I can maintain my spiritual wellness rather than be in a state of fixing myself.

Mindset. Simply compassion. And love. And gratitude towards others. Nothing is permanent. Nothing is fatal. Just breathe in and breathe out. Observe. And acknowledge that everything happens for a reason.

This procedure is tough. Observing the body to master the mind. I had no idea all the things I was doing to protect myself. Autopilot. I had no idea that I was operating with a fear-based mindset. It has taken me a few years to reprogramme my core. I still have rough edges but that’s the beauty in the journey. There is always something to appreciate whilst there is always something to tweak.

Meditation helps me stay present, be connected to my higher power, & most importantly understand the depth of my soul.

#Vipassana #Meditation #SelfCare #Recovery #Healing #Light #Love #Anicha #CoreWork #JourneyToPeace

 

You gave love freely and without agenda. You simply loved & You loved really hard.

Dear Jess,

This year was one for the books. It’s a year that defined you in so many ways. A few weeks ago, you described the year in a single word BETRAYAL. I’d like to correct you. The year can be summed up with a different word, LOVE.

You found love where it didn’t exist. You created it. You harnessed it. You turned inward. You embraced it. You dug to the deepest part of your soul. You turned clouds into rainbows. You did the difficult thing. You processed. You healed. You found your light. You created magic.

This year could have hardened your heart, but you increased your awareness and created healthy boundaries. You embraced everything with absolute fullness. Some people tried to break you… you fell a few times. You stumbled a lot… And that’s OK because you always got back up! I’m so proud of you! Man did you love. You loved so hard this year. You loved people that didn’t know you. You loved people that tried to harm you. You loved people that didn’t love themselves. You loved everyone.

You gave love freely and without agenda. You simply loved and you loved hard!

Something happened where you finally remembered to love yourself. You finally realised the importance of putting yourself back in the driver’s seat. You loved others with something fierce but you loved yourself with something gentle. Being gentle with yourself hasn’t been the easiest. Especially since everyone has an opinion on how to feel, what to say, how to heal… and how to just be. Sometimes, you entertained the critics. Sometimes the inner critics and the external critics double teamed you. A few battles were lost but you won the war. The war of keeping a soft heart. A war to forgive others. A war to forgive yourself. A war for inner peace.

You made some questionable decisions this year. A few that did not serve your highest good. But they did. each decision was exactly what you needed at that exact moment. You often assumed that in the context of season, reason, lifetime that everyone was a lifetime… that’s OK to hold space in your heart for others but never assume they hold space in theirs for you. This was probably the most difficult lesson of the year; reciprocal love. During a time of recalibrating your mind, your body, and your spirit, a few cheeky monkeys snuck in. They caused you harm. You assumed it was not intentional but it was. People always know what they are doing. Ignorance is a choice and despite foul play, you found ways to forgive. Hurt people are not allowed to hurt others. You wished them well on their journey. You found ways to let go. You did this for you, not them. And for that, others might have betrayed you but you never betrayed them OR yourself. You chose love. Every single time, you chose love.

I know you will continue to choose love. Because that’s what you do. You find the good in everyone. You sprinkle love in random places. You know what to do before others know what is happening. You are finally in a space where you can trust your judgement. It doesn’t matter how others treat you because you are in a space of love. Pure love. You have been purging all feels. Explaining all the feels. Embracing all the feels. Articulating all the feels. And now it’s time to let go of all the feels.

When you are in Asia, you know how to connect without getting attached. You know how to give without catching feels. You know how to make others feel seen. And now you are merging your worlds. The Jess in Asia, the magical abundance mindset Jess in Asia finally connected with the healing Jess in the USA.

I’m so proud of you. This year was challenging in so many ways. So many ways. The biggest accomplishment, even though it hurts to admit, is that you love a family that does not love you. It’s OK. It’s OK because you love yourself. It’s OK because you created magic. It’s OK because home is where people love you… and you finally accepted that home is not a physical place but it’s a space where people love you. Unconditionally. Unquestionably. Fully.

‘You have to know the past to understand the present.’ This journey of self-discovery was such a turbulent chapter but you are a better human being because of it. Thank you for always choosing love. Thank you for finally choosing you. Always remember that the best love is self-love.

Sincerely and proudly,
You Soul

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #CoreWork #Recovery #Rewiring #Healing #Growing #LettersToSelf #Gratitude #Light #Love #NarcissisticAbuse #DysfunctionalFamily #Psychopath #Relationships #HealthyBoundaries #BeYourOwnHero #JourneyToPeace

Sweetest Day: Connecting with another pure soul…

Every once in a while, I connect with a pure soul. Lumpy bits, perhaps, but pure in every single capacity. The pureness is with the looks, the grabs, the intended and the unintended moments. It’s skipping down the street whilst complimenting my excitement from the colors dancing across the sky. It’s sending me a song dedication that touches places in my heart that I was trying to keep hidden. It’s offering a finger grab when the energy shifts because you can feel me slipping into a vulnerable state and you simply want me to know that being vulnerable is the bravest things in the world and it’s OK because you are present. It’s asking questions on how I want a situation to be handled. It’s laughing at my nose wrinkle and insisting that I snort when something tickles my funny bone. It’s being disarming and giving me reasons to feel safe and simply giggle.

Most of all, it’s experiencing our first fight and you patiently waiting for me to wake up so you can apologize for the disharmony. It’s knowing to take pictures of the random moments and even more importantly, sharing these pictures before I have to ask for them! Some of the pictures are moments that I was not even aware of (you are such a sneaky cameraman)… thank you for catching those glimpses of Jess World. I absolutely love getting lost in my own world.

Pure souls can also bust my chops with laughter and call me out when I express moments of complete and utter delusion towards self. For instance, when I say silly things like, “I simply do not like talking to people anymore!” and you call me out because I can literally extract someone’s life story whilst stopped at a traffic light. You pay attention to the quirks that I sometimes feel embarrassed about. Celebrating these quirks helps me feel whole. They help me love myself as I should. They help my programming of making sure Jess in the USA is the same Jess that fearlessly galavants around the world. (Being in the USA, I’m still working through some pain. Pain of being rejected by my bio family… so being embraced by you is absolutely magical in so many ways).

Thank you for having a kind heart. Thank you for being a pure soul.

I find that everyone is brought onto my path to either remind me of my inner strength or to help me heal. I know that your presence makes me feel stronger, more whole. Being reminded that there are decent men in the world and not everything with a penis should be dismissed. I still think men shouldn’t be trusted but your presence and awareness of healthy boundaries is something that I not only need but am very grateful for. Respecting my needs before your wants helps me heal in so many ways…

Every once in a while, life decides to overwhelm me with a bunch of lessons and I finally hit a stride where I can be my soft-hearted self without concern of another human being making life harder than it needs to be.

Admittedly, I’m kind of salty that you didn’t help me move my things into storage but I can accept because we ended up challenging a few other aspects of my being. Instead of fixing the old, you pulled me into your world of creating new. And deep down, that’s exactly what I needed. That’s what my heart needed. That’s what my soul needed.

And now I have a sweet little personal declaration on my right wrist that will remind me of not only my own inner strength but also that it’s OK to trust others… For every teacher, there will always be another kindred soul that knows how to support a healing heart… This support is only because you went through your own storm and understand the value in simply being present. Nothing more, nothing less.

Thank you for being gentle with my heart and allowing me all these soft moments. Thank you for recognizing all the screams during the silence. Thank you for reminding me that sweat is fat crying and tears are simply the soul healing…

When I want to be invisible, thank you for holding space for me to just be. Thank for loving me as I pick up my pieces and continue to strengthen the love I have for myself.

I appreciate you on so many levels…

#WhyIWrite #SelfLove #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #Healing #KindredSouls #Unicorn #Donkey #PlotTwist #CreateMagic #CalmMind #PeacefulSoul #ConstantGiggles #CrushingGoals #PresenceIsTheBestPresent #LetterOfGratitude #LetterToHeal #Growth #Love #Relationships #RedefinedFamily #InMyCorner #MagicWhisperer #SweetestDay #SacredMoment #JourneyToPeace

Conversations with self whilst others help me look for my smile…

Sometimes all I need is having someone smile when my name pops up on their phone. I have friends sprinkled around the world. I’m extremely blessed because some of these friends have become my family. Actually, all of them are in my heart space. All.of.them. They know who they are. They know what they mean to me. They also answer my phone at random times of the day/night because when I find the courage to make that call, they know I need them. I don’t want them, I need them. I need them because I missed one of my triggers. I need them to help me find the light. I need them because I failed at something but I’m not sure what? Or where? Or how? So I call. I call for a different perspective. I call to feel someone on my side. I call because for a brief moment I forgot that I’m my own best friend. My own confidant. My own hero.

The call made was simply, “I think I lost my smile.” This is my way of reaching out for help. My dear friend insisted to see my face. I refused because he understands the different smiles and I was hurting. He understands the layers of my pain. He looks for the smile in my eyes, not just the dimples in my cheeks. He asked how my day went and just created space for me to share what was in my heart. The good. The bad. The painful. Of course, thanking me for trusting him during my tender moment. (and encouraging me to let it out. Not let it go but let it out. Sometimes all you need is a good cry). This is my way of trusting others… calling when I’m in the process to work something out is a HUGE trust. I’m impressionable. I have to be careful when vulnerable. Sometimes I need the presence of a kind soul whilst I deep dive into my sea of emotions.

Today was an extremely productive day. I’m actively building a network and have cast a wide net. And just now I’m starting to bear the fruits of my labour. Today, I had 2 calls that made my heart sing. Calls that helped me both professionally and socially. Empowered women that are empowering other women. My favourite type of human.

Layer 1: Jess World, everything was magical and the sky is the limit. The reality, I was being criticised by a few guys which further supports WHY I’m simply NOT dating. They are confusing, selfish, and arrogant. The moment I push back and tell them no, they attack my character. If I was such a terrible person, then why are they all bent out of shape in the first place? hahaha. Their opinion of me is none of my business. Fact.

Layer 2: I typically call my mother during times of joy, heartache, or just when I need a different perspective. When she’s having a good day, we can literally have an entire conversation of just giggles. When she’s having a bad day, it’s good for me to shift my focus from my troubles to do something kind for another human being. Was it a co-dependent relationship, absolutely. Another reason WHY I’m not trying to date. I need to do this stuff on my own. If people want to be involved, then cool. Be present. Offer some encouragement. Answer your phone. Offer advice ONLY if I ask. Simple things. NO need to solve my problems but more importantly, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, add to my pile of complication. Just be a decent human being.

Layer 3: My heart is all over the place because it occurred to me why I gave up on the holidays. Why I no longer enjoy December. I am one of the most animated people in the world and yet December is one of my least favourite months of the year.

I was born on December 11.

I was re-born on December 21.

I was re-re-born on December 28.

I’m making an effort to reprogramme my thinking. December 21 was when my bio father tried to strangle me. December 28 was when my bio father put a loaded gun in my face. 2018 is going to be the first December without a bio family. It’s going to be interesting to see how I fare. I’m apprehensive but hopeful. I’m nervous but confident.

No longer will those be days where someone tried to take my life. But they are days that I was reborn. Or I was re-re-born. And a slightly panicked phone call to a dear friend saying, “I think I lost my smile” is all that I needed to say to ask for help. The person on the other end of the phone was smiling when he answered… and that smile helped me navigate my moment. That smile helped me find my smile… Sometimes all I need is to be surrounded with people that unquestionably believe in me. So when I have these sidesteps, they nudge me back on path… my path of self-discovery. My path of healing my deep seeded pain.

I’m beyond grateful for these friends in my world. I love them with something fierce. They love me in ways that I need and demonstrate love in ways that I understand…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #DysfunctionalFamily #Healing #Recovery #CoreWork #Light #KindredSoul #Friends #RedefinedFamily #Love #Loyalty #Respect #HealthyBoundaries #Holidays #JourneyToPeace

Broken vs Evil… is there a difference?

I started this entry on August 31. A few days after I left ‘home’. My mother was having open heart surgery, meaning I had to deal with the most manipulative person in the entire world (her son). Her son had distorted her reality to a point where she was already a shell. When she’s not around him, she thrives. She cooks, meets others, plays in her garden, she even laughs. She has the most beautiful laugh. When she spends time with her son, everything changes. Typically it takes 4 days for her to bounce back from dark days to normal love bug mom but this time it has been over 20 weeks. And the clock is still ticking. My heart is broken.

SURRENDER

My heart hurts. It hurts for her. It hurts for me. It hurts for the entire situation. I love my mother with something fierce and since both my bio father and bio brother know they cannot hurt me directly, they continue to hurt me through her. On one hand, it’s a compliment to my healthy boundaries that they are unable to hurt me directly but also a sad situation they have control of how others view me. I surrender. It is what it is.

Again, I have healthy boundaries with both of them. They know I have ZERO problem showing screenshots or publishing their words in public domains. I feel confident sharing my journey because I spent years trying to address this dysfunction in private for nearly a decade. They think it’s acceptable to try and kill me. I think they are insane. They think it’s time I get over it and be grateful the trigger wasn’t pulled. I think they are insane. Perhaps since I’m the only one with an issue, then I am in fact the crazy one. Abuse has been normalised. Read that again, they think it’s OK for a father to try and kill his daughter because of failure to self-regulate his emotions. Thank you abuse for trying to break me. Internally, conditioning me to think I was unworthy and convincing me a very distorted definition of love. Ironically, to the outside world, I was the epitome of what society could label as the perfect daughter. I dedicated my life to my family. A very unhealthy dynamic.

HOLDING BOUNDARIES

In 2017, I set a boundary with my father. I was tired of his abusive emails and triads. I told him if he continued to use such language, I would simply forward ALL emails to lawyers & friends willing to share on social media. His emails stopped. Perhaps steep consequences. Very effective. When I’m done, I’m done. Taking this into consideration, I was raped earlier in the year (2018). Rather than my father contact me directly, he opted to berate my mother for 50+ hours on text message. Regardless of his intention, it was terrible execution. How can he possibly hurt a woman he was married to for 30+ years? It’s unacceptable behaviour. Apparently he was so upset, he also threatened to create a website to ‘teach me a lesson’ if I didn’t close my blog. Apparently I’m not allowed to share the what happens behind closed doors.

I hate I had to seek legal counsel to double check my rights. I hate I was born to a father who would rather spend time hurting others rather than spread love. I mostly hate how this isn’t even surprising behaviour to me. Heck, it’s been like this for as long as I can remember; it’s expected. Being numb to dysfunction is what bothered me the most. It is what it is.

Last exchange with my bio brother, he admitted to breaking into our mother’s email whilst she was having heart surgery. He thinks it’s normal to read emails of people when they are unconscious… and without permission. I know this is unethical and pretty sure it’s also illegal. Just for grins, he is unable to have a civil conversation with me. Rather than answer my questions or share relevant information on whether or not our mother made it out of surgery, he tried to bait me by questioning my competence of taking care of our mother’s dog. He has full control of our mother. (Anyone who wants to challenge the hold he has over her, I dare you to ask either of them how many miles between their houses and how often they see one another). It’s heartbreaking how he treats her.

SHIFTING FOCUS

Today, my heart hurts. It hurts because I can see. I understand. I do not agree. I understand. A bunch of broken people. Perhaps doing the best they can. Operating in the only way they know how. It’s clear as day. Two are straight up evil, one is not. My heart breaks for the brokenness. My heart breaks for me. My heart breaks I call these people family. This is NOT ok. I believe she is broken because they will not allow her to heal. When they mess with her, that’s when she saying things like, ‘Jess, your breathing is the problem.’ I know those words are not her. It’s them but to see her face and hear those words come from her mouth… It’s hard. Very heartbreaking to know she is their puppet. It hurts I cannot do a single thing about it. Absolutely nothing.

All I want is pick up the phone to say hello. I want to hear her voice. I want to hear her laugh. I want to reconnect with my person. Perhaps the tragedy is I consider her my person when I am not hers.

The fact I’m at this crossroad means I have not yet broken the cycle. Awareness before change. I’ll get there. I removed my bio brother and my bio father from my head, heart, and spiritual space. I’ve removed others as well. I’m good with setting spiritual boundaries that manifest into the physical world. It’s simply a matter of being ready to cut the chord. The hardest part is making the decision on when enough is enough.

Am I ready to cut this chord? Is my faith stronger than my fear? Faith she will pull herself out of the fog. Faith she will realise she is worthy of being loved.

I love my mother. I wish she remembered her worth. I wish she remembered she is a strong woman. Mostly, I wish she looked at the scrapbook of firsts. The only thing I have ever asked of her is to stop sharing information about me to people who have tried to kill me. (She refuses to respect this boundary. My father is emotionally unregulated. My brother has an unhealthy obsession with me – he constantly asks her for information about my life).

Who reads someone’s email when they are unconscious and having open heart surgery? Why do I even care? How much longer until I can let go of injustice? Why do I feel the need to protect her? I HATE unethical people. They drive me insane! Why does this bother me?

Serious question: At what point does broken become evil? Does it even matter?

BREAKING CYCLES

Today I focus on loving myself. I can feel myself slipping. All I want to do is call my mother but instead, I sit in the quiet. I breathe. I observe. I will later seek console with a kindred soul who has already broken free from their cycle. One who can shed light on my path… and be a sounding board of reason. I know I have all the answers within but my head and my heart are at war. When this happens, my heart usually wins.

I cannot afford a side step. I didn’t cause it. I cannot control it. I cannot cure it.

Experience. Strength. Hope.

My higher self is my best friend

I’m not even going to pretend. Most of my life is in autopilot. This has served me well because I cannot remember the last time that I was in normal situations. When greeted with dysfunction, I tighten my ponytail, smile, and navigate the sea like a 70+-year-old sailor. It’s NOT my first rodeo and I have literally seen it all. So nothing was ever too much. This is ONLY true as long as I am in autopilot. My subconscious and super-subconscious are ridiculously strong.

This last year was raising awareness about things. My life was #IgnoranceIsBliss and 2017 was geared towards #RevealHealGrow. Bring awareness to my conscious world. Accept truth. Align my worlds. My head and my heart. My conscious and my subconscious. Everything was ripped apart and the last 14 months was piecing everything back together.

I embrace the moments of clarity. The moments where I silence the world to listen to the storm brewing within. Revealing that moment of understanding… the moment when my conscious is brought into awareness of the depths that my subconscious and super-subconscious go to in order to protect me. Perhaps this is my head protecting my heart… but it’s actually more of my gut rather than my head. It doesn’t really matter. Pieces of me were protecting other pieces of me.

THE REVEAL: Last night, I was having one of those soul connection moments. Granted, I have deep and meaningful conversations all the time but for some reason, I allowed myself to entertain a new energy. A playful energy. Without awareness, this energy could be destructive. But my heart was open. My [self]love was flowing. More importantly, my eyes were open too… perhaps even my third eye. Awareness of all things. That’s my new sweet spot. Mastering vulnerability in public spaces. Allowing the feels to take over. I found myself in depths that I hadn’t reached in quite some time. A connection that I was starved for… I had on the regular during my years in Singapore but I very much missed since moving to the USA.

THE STORY: a messenger shared a story about the power of some beads. Gifting and the subsequent destruction that happened [because of the presence of the beads]. Completely questionable but for spirituality sake, it helped me connect a few dots. I am grateful for this messenger on a few levels. Such a beautiful heart! He held up a mirror to show me my inner light. And my inner love. I’m still trying to find the words. It was a magical moment of awakening. During a time where I felt incredibly disconnected from self, he showed me that I was unquestionably connected.

THE HEAL: Last month, I took refuge at a great auntie’s house. She was part of a carefully constructed support system. She became my call in a moment of crisis. I didn’t even realise the dependency or question whether or not it was healthy. I just trusted her intentions and went with the flow. This flow resulted in a rather harsh lesson. She lured me into her space and then attacked me. I allowed it so I cannot fault her. The important part of this sharing is that during this process, she gifted me a bracelet. And a few months earlier, gifted me a box. When the lesson happened, I embraced and made a decision to leave. It wasn’t worth mending the relationship because people can only meet you as far as they can meet themselves. What I had super-subconsciously figured out is that she didn’t want me to heal. She didn’t want me to grow. She wanted me to be in her vacuum. Plants could not grow in this space. Animals were OK (kind of) but plants died in this space. She had multiple health ailments. So many manifestations of dark energy. I didn’t catch this until later but all the signs were there. Anyways, before I left, for some reason, I removed the bracelet from my arm and gave it back. To me, consciously, I return gifts because I do not want reminders of the other person. Once betrayed, they are out. I’m savage because of the softness in my heart.

At a deeper level, everything has energy. Everything is connected. My autopilot to return the bracelet was my super subconscious returning something that no longer served my highest good. Is my auntie a bad person? No. She’s a troubled person. She’s suffering and rather than work on herself, she surrounds herself with dysfunction and when dysfunction doesn’t exist, she creates it. And I did not want (or need) that energy in my space. I typically do not entertain that energy but I was blind to it. I walked right into it. I didn’t pick up on it because I was in an emotional spin. For 20 weeks or so leading to that moment, I was in the midst of being devalued and discarded. I didn’t need anything other than a safe place to just be. My rose-coloured lens assumed this was a safe place but the reality was it was any but a safe place.

The lesson was that I know how to heal myself. I know the mountains provide peace. I know the open water provides reflection. I know the weather provides perspective. I know my heart provides love. And now I know my super subconscious provides protection. And boy-oh-boy is that a fierce protection. Quieting the noise to listen to what’s within. For months, everything has been so noisy and now the fog is starting to clear. I’m gaining traction in a bunch of positive ways… I’ll make a separate post. But for now; I relish in the revealing of the power of my super subconscious. I returned the bracelet (along with the cloudy energy that came with it) and I closed the circle with peace and love.

I am a part of the Universe but man do I also have the power of the Universe within…

Today, I thank the deepest part of my soul, my super subconscious, for steering me in ways that I do not understand but am learning to appreciate and constantly increasing my awareness. Today I thank my super subconscious for looking out for me. My emotional wellness. My spiritual wellness. my physical wellness. My overall wellness.

The journey continues… my heart is full…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #RedefinedFamily #Awakening #NarcissistAbuse #EmotionalVampires #LifeLessons #Reflections #Reveal #Heal #Grow #InvisibleWounds #ItsOKtoNotBeOK #OneDayAtATime #RunWalkCrawl #JourneyToPeace