I started this entry on August 31. It was a few days after I left ‘home’. My mother was having open heart surgery and that meant I had to deal with the most manipulative person in the entire world (her son). Her son had distorted her reality to a point that she was already a shell. When she’s not around him, she thrives. She cooks, meets others, plays in her garden, she even laughs. She has the most beautiful laugh. When she spends time with her son, everything changes. Typically it takes 4 days for her to bounce back from dark days to normal love bug mom but this time it has been over 20 weeks. And the clock is still ticking. It’s heartbreaking.
My heart hurts. It hurts for her. It hurts for me. It hurts for the entire situation. I love my mother with something fierce and since both my bio father and bio brother know they cannot hurt me directly, they continue to hurt me through her. On one hand, it’s a compliment to my healthy boundaries that they cannot hurt me directly but also a sad situation that they still have control of how others view me. It is what it is.
Again, I have healthy boundaries with both of them. They know I have ZERO problem showing screenshots or publishing their words to me in public domains. As a matter of fact, the reason why I feel confident in sharing my journey is that I can prove my sanity, whereas they cannot prove my INsanity. What could they possibly accuse me of? Trying to be the perfect daughter or perfect sister? (Thank you abuse for conditioning me to mentally think I was unworthy, emotionally be starved for love and yet to the real world be the epitome what society could label as perfect).
When I was raped, my bio father refused to contact me. It’s most likely because the year before, I set a healthy boundary with steep consequences. I simply told him that all messages to me need to be with loving words or everything will be plastered to lawyers and friends willing to share on social media. So rather than confront me directly, he opted to berate her for 50+ hours on text message. His goal was to break my mom. His goal was to break a woman he was married to for 30+ years. It’s heartbreaking. He also threatened to create a website to ‘teach me a lesson’ if I didn’t stop sharing my healing journey. I hate that I had to seek legal counsel to double check my rights. I hate that I was born to a father that would rather spend time hating me rather than love me. I mostly hate that this isn’t even surprising behaviour to me. Heck, it’s been like this for as long as I can remember. Being numb to dysfunction is what bothered me the most. It is what it is.
Last exchange with my bio brother was him admitting that he broke into our mother’s email whilst she was having heart surgery. He thinks it’s normal. I think it was borderline criminal. And to further ‘punish me’ he refused to give me relevant information on whether or not our mother made it out of surgery. He’s safe though because the ONLY way to press charges is if our mother made a complaint and he’s manipulated her to a point where he can do anything he wants. Full control. (Anyone that wants to challenge this, I dare you to ask either of them how many miles between their houses and how often they see one another). It’s absolutely heartbreaking how he treats her.
But today, my heart hurts because I can see, clear as day. Two are malicious and one is not. Two are evil and one is simply broken. The one that is broken is still in my heart space. She is broken because they will not allow her to heal. When they really get involved, that’s when she saying things like, ‘Jess, your breathing is the problem.’ I know those words are not her. It’s them but to see her face and hear those words come from her mouth… It’s heartbreaking. Very heartbreaking.
Is it such a terrible thing that all I want to do is pick up the phone to say hello? To reconnect with someone that I consider my person.
Or perhaps it’s a terrible thing that I consider someone to be my person when I am not theirs.
The fact that I’m at this crossroad means that I have not yet broken the cycle. Awareness before change. I removed my bio brother and my bio father from my head, heart, and spiritual space. Heck, I’ve removed others as well. I’m very good at setting spiritual boundaries that manifest into the physical world. It’s simply a matter of being ready to cut the chord.
Am I ready to cut this chord? Is my faith stronger than my fear? Faith being that she will pull herself out of the fog to realise that she is worthy of being loved?
I love my mother. I wish she remembered her worth. I wish she remembered she is a strong woman. Mostly, I wish that she looked at the scrapbook of firsts.
Right now, I wish that if her words were genuine in that she has two children, then I wish that she knew how to stop allowing one hurt the other. The plot twist is that the only thing I have ever asked was to stop sharing information about me to him. (She refuses to set a boundary. And he’s obsessed with me and unwilling to control himself from asking).
Who reads someone’s email when they are unconscious and having open heart surgery? Clearly, I’m still making him the evil person when the reality is that all of them share fault. All.of.them.
At what point does broken become evil? Does it even matter?
Today I focus on loving myself. I can feel myself slipping. All I want to do is call my mother but instead, I sit in the quiet. I breathe. I observe. I will later seek console with a kindred soul that has already broken free from their cycle. One that can shed light on my path… and be a sounding board of reason. I know that I have all the answers within but my head and my heart are at war. When this happens, my heart usually wins.
I cannot afford a side step. #SoftHeart #StrongMind #RunWalkCrawl #OneDayAtATime
#WhyIWrite #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #TraumaBond #StockholmSyndrom #DysfunctionalFamily #Reflections #LettingGo #Healing #BreakTheSilence #InvisibleWounds #CoreWork #Processing #Recovery #Resilience #HealthyBoundaries #JourneyToPeace