Conversations with self whilst others help me look for my smile…

Sometimes all I need is having someone smile when my name pops up on their phone.  I have friends sprinkled around the world. I’m extremely blessed because some of these friends have become my family. Actually, all of them are in my heart space. All.of.them. They know who they are. They know what they mean to me. They also answer my phone at random times of the day/night because when I find the courage to make that call, they know I need them. I don’t want them, I need them. I need them because I missed one of my triggers. I need them to help me find the light. I need them because I failed at something but I’m not sure what? Or where? Or how? So I call. I call for a different perspective. I call to feel someone on my side. I call because for a brief moment I forgot that I’m my own best friend. My own confidant. My own hero.

The call made was simply, “I think I lost my smile.” This is my way of reaching out for help. My dear friend insisted to see my face. I refused because he understands the different smiles and I was hurting. He understands the layers of my pain. He looks for the smile in my eyes, not just the dimples in my cheeks. He asked how my day went and just created space for me to share what was in my heart. The good. The bad. The painful. Of course, thanking me for trusting him during my tender moment. (and encouraging me to let it out. Not let it go but let it out. Sometimes all you need is a good cry). This is my way of trusting others… calling when I’m in the process to work something out is a HUGE trust. I’m impressionable. I have to be careful when vulnerable. Sometimes I need the presence of a kind soul whilst I deep dive into my sea of emotions.

Today was an extremely productive day. I’m actively building a network and have cast a wide net. And just now I’m starting to bear the fruits of my labour. Today, I had 2 calls that made my heart sing. Calls that helped me both professionally and socially. Empowered women that are empowering other women. My favourite type of human.

Layer 1: Jess World, everything was magical and the sky is the limit. The reality, I was being criticised by a few guys which further supports WHY I’m simply NOT dating. They are confusing, selfish, and arrogant. The moment I push back and tell them no, they attack my character. If I was such a terrible person, then why are they all bent out of shape in the first place? hahaha. Their opinion of me is none of my business. Fact.

Layer 2: I typically call my mother during times of joy, heartache, or just when I need a different perspective. When she’s having a good day, we can literally have an entire conversation of just giggles. When she’s having a bad day, it’s good for me to shift my focus from my troubles to do something kind for another human being. Was it a co-dependent relationship, absolutely. Another reason WHY I’m not trying to date. I need to do this stuff on my own. If people want to be involved, then cool. Be present. Offer some encouragement. Answer your phone. Offer advice ONLY if I ask. Simple things. NO need to solve my problems but more importantly, DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, add to my pile of complication. Just be a decent human being.

Layer 3: My heart is all over the place because it occurred to me why I gave up on the holidays. Why I no longer enjoy December. I am one of the most animated people in the world and yet December is one of my least favourite months of the year.

I was born on December 11.

I was re-born on December 21.

I was re-re-born on December 28.

I’m making an effort to reprogramme my thinking. December 21 was when my bio father tried to strangle me. December 28 was when my bio father put a loaded gun in my face. 2018 is going to be the first December without a bio family. It’s going to be interesting to see how I fare. I’m apprehensive but hopeful. I’m nervous but confident.

No longer will those be days where someone tried to take my life. But they are days that I was reborn. Or I was re-re-born. And a slightly panicked phone call to a dear friend saying, “I think I lost my smile” is all that I needed to say to ask for help. The person on the other end of the phone was smiling when he answered… and that smile helped me navigate my moment. That smile helped me find my smile… Sometimes all I need is to be surrounded with people that unquestionably believe in me. So when I have these sidesteps, they nudge me back on path… my path of self-discovery. My path of healing my deep seeded pain.

I’m beyond grateful for these friends in my world. I love them with something fierce. They love me in ways that I need and demonstrate love in ways that I understand…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #DysfunctionalFamily #Healing #Recovery #CoreWork #Light #KindredSoul #Friends #RedefinedFamily #Love #Loyalty #Respect #HealthyBoundaries #Holidays #JourneyToPeace

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