I’m not even going to pretend. Most of my life is in autopilot. This has served me well because I cannot remember the last time that I was in normal situations. When greeted with dysfunction, I tighten my ponytail, smile, and navigate the sea like a 70+-year-old sailor. It’s NOT my first rodeo and I have literally seen it all. So nothing was ever too much. This is ONLY true as long as I am in autopilot. My subconscious and super-subconscious are ridiculously strong.
This last year was raising awareness about things. My life was #IgnoranceIsBliss and 2017 was geared towards #RevealHealGrow. Bring awareness to my conscious world. Accept truth. Align my worlds. My head and my heart. My conscious and my subconscious. Everything was ripped apart and the last 14 months was piecing everything back together.
I embrace the moments of clarity. The moments where I silence the world to listen to the storm brewing within. Revealing that moment of understanding… the moment when my conscious is brought into awareness of the depths that my subconscious and super-subconscious go to in order to protect me. Perhaps this is my head protecting my heart… but it’s actually more of my gut rather than my head. It doesn’t really matter. Pieces of me were protecting other pieces of me.
THE REVEAL: Last night, I was having one of those soul connection moments. Granted, I have deep and meaningful conversations all the time but for some reason, I allowed myself to entertain a new energy. A playful energy. Without awareness, this energy could be destructive. But my heart was open. My [self]love was flowing. More importantly, my eyes were open too… perhaps even my third eye. Awareness of all things. That’s my new sweet spot. Mastering vulnerability in public spaces. Allowing the feels to take over. I found myself in depths that I hadn’t reached in quite some time. A connection that I was starved for… I had on the regular during my years in Singapore but I very much missed since moving to the USA.
THE STORY: a messenger shared a story about the power of some beads. Gifting and the subsequent destruction that happened [because of the presence of the beads]. Completely questionable but for spirituality sake, it helped me connect a few dots. I am grateful for this messenger on a few levels. Such a beautiful heart! He held up a mirror to show me my inner light. And my inner love. I’m still trying to find the words. It was a magical moment of awakening. During a time where I felt incredibly disconnected from self, he showed me that I was unquestionably connected.
THE HEAL: Last month, I took refuge at a great auntie’s house. She was part of a carefully constructed support system. She became my call in a moment of crisis. I didn’t even realise the dependency or question whether or not it was healthy. I just trusted her intentions and went with the flow. This flow resulted in a rather harsh lesson. She lured me into her space and then attacked me. I allowed it so I cannot fault her. The important part of this sharing is that during this process, she gifted me a bracelet. And a few months earlier, gifted me a box. When the lesson happened, I embraced and made a decision to leave. It wasn’t worth mending the relationship because people can only meet you as far as they can meet themselves. What I had super-subconsciously figured out is that she didn’t want me to heal. She didn’t want me to grow. She wanted me to be in her vacuum. Plants could not grow in this space. Animals were OK (kind of) but plants died in this space. She had multiple health ailments. So many manifestations of dark energy. I didn’t catch this until later but all the signs were there. Anyways, before I left, for some reason, I removed the bracelet from my arm and gave it back. To me, consciously, I return gifts because I do not want reminders of the other person. Once betrayed, they are out. I’m savage because of the softness in my heart.
At a deeper level, everything has energy. Everything is connected. My autopilot to return the bracelet was my super subconscious returning something that no longer served my highest good. Is my auntie a bad person? No. She’s a troubled person. She’s suffering and rather than work on herself, she surrounds herself with dysfunction and when dysfunction doesn’t exist, she creates it. And I did not want (or need) that energy in my space. I typically do not entertain that energy but I was blind to it. I walked right into it. I didn’t pick up on it because I was in an emotional spin. For 20 weeks or so leading to that moment, I was in the midst of being devalued and discarded. I didn’t need anything other than a safe place to just be. My rose-coloured lens assumed this was a safe place but the reality was it was any but a safe place.
The lesson was that I know how to heal myself. I know the mountains provide peace. I know the open water provides reflection. I know the weather provides perspective. I know my heart provides love. And now I know my super subconscious provides protection. And boy-oh-boy is that a fierce protection. Quieting the noise to listen to what’s within. For months, everything has been so noisy and now the fog is starting to clear. I’m gaining traction in a bunch of positive ways… I’ll make a separate post. But for now; I relish in the revealing of the power of my super subconscious. I returned the bracelet (along with the cloudy energy that came with it) and I closed the circle with peace and love.
I am a part of the Universe but man do I also have the power of the Universe within…
Today, I thank the deepest part of my soul, my super subconscious, for steering me in ways that I do not understand but am learning to appreciate and constantly increasing my awareness. Today I thank my super subconscious for looking out for me. My emotional wellness. My spiritual wellness. my physical wellness. My overall wellness.
The journey continues… my heart is full…
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #RedefinedFamily #Awakening #NarcissistAbuse #EmotionalVampires #LifeLessons #Reflections #Reveal #Heal #Grow #InvisibleWounds #ItsOKtoNotBeOK #OneDayAtATime #RunWalkCrawl #JourneyToPeace