A question that keeps coming up. “Jess, how do you feel about guns in the house?”
Such a loaded question, no pun intended… *awkward sigh*
Well, being a survivor of domestic violence, specifically gun violence, this question is rather complex. I do not have a straightforward answer. I’m not entirely sure how to address this question. I’m not sure how I feel about it. There are so many variables. So many layers. Spiritually. Physically. Emotionally. To what layer should I share my sentiments? You know I’m a survivor of gun violence right?! I’m simply not sure what thoughts to share and which thoughts to burry in the deepest part of my heart. You know, the place where I can protect myself from well, me.
Guns are guns. People are people. Guns do not kill people. People kill people.
So if the question, ‘Jess, how do you feel about guns in the house’ really means, ‘Jess, do you trust me?’ then that’s a bit easier to address. Do I trust others? Does it really matter if I trust others? Perhaps the question is do I trust myself? I mean, it’s NEVER about trusting other people. It’s always about trusting myself and my processing and my ability to remove myself from a situation that no longer serves me. Remove myself from situations that could cause me harm. Remove thoughts from my world. Some might call it failing at being an adult whilst others will accept my ‘law of attraction’ state of being.
Unpacking how I feel about the presence of guns.
The first man society taught me to trust is my biological father. My biological father is a man whom I love dearly. I do, if he completed his anger management courses and showed up with hat in hand and asked for a chance to rebuild our relationship, I would allow him back into my life. I would. He’s my biological father. But the truth of the matter is that the government took away both his guns and his FOID card in 2004. In 2004, he threatened my life by strangling me. In 2009, he put a [loaded] gun in my face. I am pretty sure that he still does not have his FOID card. So if the government doesn’t trust him, why should I? If the government hasn’t forgiven him, why should I? The ONLY rules that I told him, to be in my world are to speak to me with loving words and control his anger. So, a biological father does something that is essentially unforgivable and yet, I have forgiven him. Forgiveness is for me, not him. I accept that he does not think that I’m worth the effort. I accept that he does not love me in a way that I understand. I also accept that my heart is soft toward my biological family. But I also appreciate that my heart and my head are best friends so my boundaries are fierce. And to earn a place in my world, my boundaries need to be respected. My presence needs to be honoured. My biological father destroyed my faith in humanity. My biological father was the first man I was asked to trust. He broke that trust. He shattered my heart in so many ways by not only breaking that trust but telling me through actions that my life doesn’t matter. So do I trust anyone enough to have a gun? Such a loaded question… answering means that I have come to terms with the shattered relationship between me and the first man I was told to trust. I’m not sure…
Going a bit deeper… I believe in the law of attraction. I believe this law with all my heart. I believe that thoughts become words. I believe that words become things. I believe that what you put out into the Universe will come back. Applying this concept to guns… I think that having a gun means the Universe will give you a reason to use it. Irrelevant to whether or not I trust someone, the Universe will create an opportunity for this gun to be used. I believe this with all my heart. So from a spiritual perspective, I’m just going to accept this information and remove it from my space. My fate is not determined by another person. The gun is THEIR gun, not mine. Their Universal pull, not mine. I decided that it’s not a part of my world and I will give it ZERO thought or words after hitting publish to this blog post.
From a practicality perspective. A former lover and I were talking about family planning. He wanted a gun to protect the family. Logically, it’s a fear based mindset. Not magical. Fear. ‘A gun would make me feel safe.’ Such a sad world we live in where a gun is what can make someone feel safe. I understand but do not agree. I pity this mindset. My heart breaks for this logic. If you own a gun, the gun would obviously be in a locked box. Unloaded. Put someplace where children could not access. Bullets stored separately. So in the event that someone attacks the house, the time it takes to unlock the box, load the gun, and then come back to the ‘situation of home invasion’, the intruder has already silenced the children and had his way with me, sexually. Or a more PG version, the intruder made himself a sandwich and a pot of tea to patiently wait for the duel of the century. Makes perfect sense? *shakes my head* Clearly, my tree-hugging-hippy-lover-of-the-universe side comes out. My solution to protecting the family is having a dog. They are loyal. They can sense things that we humans cannot. More importantly, they love us unconditionally… so they can ease whatever fear is in our heart by laying in our lap, covering our face with kisses, snoring in our ear… or just wagging their tail in the unquestionable excitement that we are THEIR EVERYTHING.
“Jess, how do you feel about guns in the house?”
I think the answer is “Why do you feel the need to have the gun?”
More importantly, I need to ask myself. Since my heart would be so willing to allow my biological father back into my world, where do I need to focus my continued healing? Allowing him back into my world would not be healthy for me. I know this. Logically, I can understand this concept. Can I say the same thing, emotionally? I’m not sure…
The journey continues…
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #HealthyBoundaries #Forgiveness #GunViolence #DysfunctionalFamily #RedefineFamily #JourneyToPeace