You are not IN the storm, you ARE the storm

Domestic Violence Awareness Month approaches us once again. I feel the need to leverage this month to pivot. Shift my coaching business from general emotional abuse to a very specific group of people. High functioning people. People that know but might not understand. People that instinctively know that financial freedom is the way out but still need to do some work to stay out… people like me.

Subconsciously, I knew that I was in unhealthy situations. I stayed in it because well, ‘family is family’ or ‘all families have their problems’. It wasn’t until I left my corporate job and started my own company that I realised the true amount of pain I needed to work through. The hole in my heart. How much I depended on others for validation for my existence. Small things that ended up being big things.

So this month, I’m taking to LinkedIn. I’m going to share ‘tips & tricks’ on how I was able to navigate my story of domestic violence whilst also creating magic (crushing some pretty phenomenal goals).

Anyone interested in joining the conversation, please feel free. My LinkedIn posts will be open to the public.

To anyone going through a storm… just keep dancing. Soon you will realise that you are not IN the storm but you ARE the storm.

Life is magical… and so are you…

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #Recovery #DomesticViolence #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #EmotionalAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #MentalWellness #HealthIsWealth #BeYourOwnHero




One of the most frequent compliments I receive from others is on my energy. It’s ridiculous.

I used to spend a great deal of time externally focused on managing my energy. (Unregulated energy allowed me to change the temperature of a room… NOT RECOMMENDED). I realised I was allowing others to control me. I was easily affected by external influences. I was sloppy and easily gave up my power to others. I was easy to poke, prod, bait, and manipulate. I lacked self-awareness and allowed myself to be pulled into the storm of others. I played their game and I lost. For YEARS, I had more ‘bad’ days than ‘good’ ones. I was on an emotional rollercoaster. It was NOT fun. It was NOT productive. It was NOT healthy.

Fast forward, my energy management has been about being TRUTHFUL about my habits. Being INTENTIONAL with everything from nutrition, people, books and social activities. And most importantly, being FLEXIBLE with how I define self care.

Let today be day 1 of your wellness journey!!!


🙋‍♀️ I will ask a lot of questions

🙋‍♀️ we will uncover what’s been stopping you, slowing you down or preventing you from having the energy you want

🙋‍♀️ we will develop a powerful vision for what doubling your energy will mean to you and your life

🙋‍♀️ we will discover which foods and lifestyle habits are sapping your energy… and what to do about it

🙋‍♀️ we will get crystal clear on a step-by-step plan to double your energy in 90 days or less

Are you ready to take your health to the next level? I look forward to speaking with you!

#LevelUp #HealthCoach #GoalCrusher #PFM #SelfDevelopment #SelfCare

Where can I love myself just a bit more?

“Jess, you can push me away but I’m not going anywhere…”

I’m bumbling through a side step. I’m doing the best I can. A few old habits are dying hard. And it’s the first time that I’m being called out, consistently… others are noticing that despite my efforts, my walls are coming up. My tolerance for nonsense is non-existent. Such a beautiful moment to pause.

Why are my walls coming up?

I was hired to be a group fitness instructor for a gym in Chicago. Not just any gym but a fancy pants gym on Michigan Avenue. I’m not low key about being super duper excited about this achievement! I’m superrrrrr excited! That said, our doors are about to open and my class schedule is posted. Rightfully so, my class schedule has been posted on my LinkedIn and Facebook for a few weeks. Come to think of it, my schedule is also posted on my Zumba website. The plot twist is that this is the FIRST time that I’m announcing that I’m going to be at a specific place at a specific time… and actually be there.

Domestic Violence. Recovery after domestic violence comes in waves. Everything seems overwhelming. Changing houses seems to be easier than admitting that anxiety is taking over. It’s humbling when the bank requires a physical address rather than a PO box. So many reminders that despite my greatest efforts, I’m not in a normal position. I’m in the midst of a build. My housing is stable. My side hustles are stable. I’m doing another certification programme. And now, I’m about to test my healing journey. Have I done the inner work? In the event that my family shows up, am I in a place to embrace them with love? Have I completely lost the plot by thinking that they would even pop over? Can I tell when my rational mind switches over to my emotional mind? Disassociation; is it still a superpower? What about the pain… is it in my head? Heart? Soul? Am I still focused on them or me? Jess, how are you feeling at this exact moment?

I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m absolutely and unquestionably terrified… My family has not made any efforts to see me, speak to me or check on me. The last time my father even so much as referenced me; was calling me a slut after he read my blog post about being raped. The last time I spoke on the phone with my mom; was after her son tried convincing her that she needed to have my apple password. The time before that, was shortly after she had open-heart surgery… My brother? HAHAHA! The last words shared with him was something along the lines of “I wish you would find a new hobby. Being obsessed with your sister is unhealthy.” (my attempt to call him out for triangulating and creating trouble). There is a good chance that they are reading my blog or have read my blog. There is a good chance that my mother is still poisoned into thinking that my life is better without her (it’s not but she also believes that family is family at all costs).

Do I think they will show up at the gym? I’m not sure. Do I think someone will start trouble? Perhaps. But truly… what is in my heart? and more importantly, does any of it matter?

Digging… I’m in the midst of crushing another series of goals. I’m taking care of my wellness and protecting my heart. I’m making a series of productive decisions and finally in a space that I’m quite proud of. I have people all over the world to share my joy and the one person that I want to call is my mommabear. I would love to call her and share how my first week has been. I would love to invite her to my class. I would even love to introduce her to my team/colleagues.

Nervous? I can no longer call her. Am I going to reach for myself?

Scared? How is my heart going to feel at the moment of pure joy? When I’m bubbling out with laughter and my soul is smiling. Am I going to reach for myself?

Terrified? Perhaps I’ll feel nothing. I’ve been doing so much inner work and yes, I think of my family from time to time. I wish them health and peace. I do miss them but I do not miss how they treated me. I’m scared that I’m actually at peace with this and letting go makes me a bad daughter/sister/human being. Rather than acknowledge that I have done everything in my power (plus some), I’ll be harsh with myself in creating something additional I could have done.

Have I officially broken this cycle? Am I still seeking their approval? Do I know the cost of sharing my joy? IF I make the call, how would I gracefully disengage?

This week is going to be super powerful. I make no mistake in embracing the full weight of everything. I’ve been preparing for months. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Now I get to see if my heart is on the same page… where is my head? Am I in alignment… where does it still hurt? Where can I love myself just a bit more…?

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #DomesticViolence #Recovery #Family #HealthyBoundaries #SelfCare



Moments of Peace After Gun Violence

TUESDAY NIGHTS ARE SACRED. It’s the ONE time of the week that I can be 100% unapologetic about feeling broken. I can admit when I gave up my power to a predator, willingly dove into a rabbit hole of nonsense, or chose ego over compassion.
I do NOT handle boundary-crossing very kindly. So many boundaries have been set and a handful have been ignored. In the last 2 months, I’ve been in a position of less than normal strength. Most of the people in my world have been kind. I’m eternally grateful for these people that tip the scales. There are also a handful of troublemakers that would rather jump into my lane than focus on healing themselves. The double-edged sword is hitting my triggers. Triggers are an area that I’m actively healing. When I say STOP and it’s not honoured, my inner beast comes out and I seek to destroy. It’s not a friendly beast. It’s focused, fierce, and unforgiving. It scares the crap out of me. I understand but I do not like myself when this side of me is exposed.
The last time this side of me was exposed, it took over 13 years to tip my scale. Including trying to kill me on two occasions. Tipping my scale wasn’t even after an act of aggression towards me. It was after an act of aggression towards my mother. I was defending her. I set clear intentions that if the behaviour was going to continue, this is my course of action (xxx). NEVER GET ANGRY, GIVE CONSEQUENCES. The art of setting boundaries. Never ending work. The only thing I can control is how I wish to engage and how I allow things to affect me. Nothing more. Nothing less. Healthy boundaries. Let go. Healthy boundaries. Let go. Healthy Boundaries. Let go…
I need to reframe my intolerant side as being a beast. I need to embrace and acknowledge I’m a professional at channelling certain emotions. I’m getting really good with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with grossly unhealthy people. Despite focusing on creating magic and doing things from a place of love, it was shocking on how quickly my mind, body, and soul was able to snap back into dissociate and destroy mode. Awareness before change. Why do I continue to surround myself with unhealthy people? Why do I entertain unhealthy exchanges?
Tuesday nights are sacred. It’s my night to check myself. It’s my night to take inventory. It’s my night to speak my truth and know others are holding space and gently guiding me towards building a healthy community. Tuesday nights are my favourite night of the week. And soon enough, Tuesday nights are going to be the gold standard of who is allowed to stay in my world.
Each day, I grow. I expand. I share my magic with the world. I allow others to share their magic with me. Each day, the smile in my soul comes out just a bit. A grounded smile. A smile that is seen in my eyes, not my lips. A smile indicating I’m at peace.
I continue to take pictures of myself. Most of the pictures never make it to social media. It’s part of the process. My healing process. To check myself. To check my smile. Is this a forced smile? (when stressed, my smile is huge) A sarcastic smile? (I know you are up to something I just cannot figure out what) A peaceful smile? (I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be) Typically my peaceful smile is when my soul knows I’m safe… and since being back to Chicago, that’s only been on Tuesday nights. (and the last two weeks…) The last two weeks; I’ve been in a place where I’ve been honoured, celebrated and loved. I’ll share more about the last two weeks… for now, I’m still allowing my heart to adjust to being surrounded by love.
Tuesday nights are so incredibly important for my world. Tuesday nights are sacred. My journey continues…
#SelfCare #Trauma #Recovery #Resilience #DomesticViolence #OneDayAtATime #BeYourOwnHero

When numbers represent home: Unit 3070.

Last August, my person (my mommabear) went in for a routine check-up. They asked her to stay for extra tests. The next day, they had quintuple bypass surgery. Since my mommabear refused to create a living will, POA, or any of that stuff, I was going to be forced to deal with a very troubled soul. Her son was digging through her phone/emails when she was unconscious and also put a password on the hospital so I was unable to get updates from a nurse about OUR mother. #FamilyIsFamily #MyFamilyIsABUSIVE

I struggled to come to terms with everything and opted to call a moving company, have ALL my things chucked into storage, and hit the road. I went on a month-long road trip. Upon returning to Chicago, I threw my stuff into storage. Over the months, I’ve resented going to my storage unit. It’s embarrassing, humiliating, humbling, heartbreaking… and represented that I continue to love a family that causes me harm. Not a proud moment but it is what it is. Within a year, I still had a number of side steps, obsessing about whether they were healthy, felt loved, and sending good vibes through the spiritual world. Always keeping them in my discussions to the clouds.

Today was the last time that I had to visit my storage unit. Over the course of a year, I’ve joked about having a HUGE walk-in closet. When others stop by their parent’s for something, I accept that I no longer have that, I only have a storage unit. It stung. Each visit was easier than the previous but it stung. The storage unit was my reminder that I failed. I gave up trying. And today, I laugh, because there is a heart on the ground, each time I entered the building, just before getting into the elevator, there was a heart. It reminded me to love myself. or Universal Love. I’m plowing through my boxes to realise that I was definitely in an emotional state when packing. I have the essentials but there are a LOT of things I’ve lost along the way…

My heart still stings. My mommabear was my person. And a year ago, I literally ran away from home. My heart was broken. My things were in storage and I did what I needed to do to protect myself from abusive family members. The last time, I was in this state was in 2009, when Grandpa Corvo died. He was the person that kept everyone in line. If you were right, you were right. If you were wrong, you’d get put in your place. Grandpa was my protector. My mommabear was my protector to a certain extent as well. And all hell was about to break loose when she was unconscious so I walked away. I do not have regrets because it was EXACTLY what I needed at that moment.

Today, I close this chapter. The heaviness of a storage unit. The evolution of a home. How I define family. The resilience of my heart.

My life in stats for the last year

Roadtrips: 4
Houses: 7
Global Goodwill Ambassador recognition: 2
[paid] Hustles: 5
Community: 13k people
Words (related to DV recovery): 2.78mn
Public Speaking gigs: 15
Self-Care: 365 days
Licenses (group fitness): 4

I lost the only thing that mattered to me, my mommabear. My heart still hurts like something awful. But each day, I show up for myself. I hold space for myself. I love. When the world would understand me being harsh, I choose love.

Here’s to another chapter. I’m so grateful for the friends that have shown up. Without them, I would have probably disappeared to some random tropical island by now! (I’m NOT complaining).

#Resilience #SelfCare #Recovery #DomesticViolence #BeYourOwnHero #OneDayAtATime #Family

A message from my heart to my head

Dear Jess!

I freaking LOVE LOVE LOVE you! I mean seriously, THANK YOU! I know it feels funny to put yourself first but you are crushing it! The last few weeks have offered wonderful opportunities to stay in the cycle or break the cycle (and stand in your integrity). You have levelled up to a point where unhealthy people simply do not know how to approach you. Some are even starting to fade away on their own. Some predators might come out to play but it’s part of this growth spurt… stay in your lane. You are in the fast lane. Time to stay focused. Connected to self. Detached to others. Detached to outcomes. Detached to expectations. Connected to self on every.single.level. North star is ITALY! Stay in your lane.

Take a moment to breathe. To acknowledge all the magic that is surrounding you and within you. I’m so proud of you. Jess, you really are something else.

Dog walking is expanding. You picked up a new client and one of your old clients booked another series of walks. Keep doing you Jess. Keep doing you.

Coaching practice is levelling up. You are 25% finished with your [new] coaching course! You took the necessary time away from technology for a reset and now hitting the ground running. Already with 3 new clients. Keep doing you Jess. Keep doing you.

Zumba is about to [formally] kick-off. First-class is just around the corner..! EKKK! You have already earned the respect of a co-creator and hosting a FitPro in October! You got this Jess. I know you are nervous! Get those butterflies to fly together! You are a PRO at starting over. Just another start. You got this! Keep doing you Jess. Keep doing you.

On the softer side, people from your previous years are surfacing. People forgiving you for being a runner. People holding space. People loving you and reminding you what it means to love yourself. Celebrate yourself. Honour yourself. These people are the angels that have always been there, cheering for you. Keep them in your heart. When things get overwhelming, remember these people are watching. You are finally in a season of accomplishing goals that others also celebrate with you.

It saddens me when you talk about a life storm and reference things that have happened to people in your family. I understand that it’s difficult to acknowledge certain truths on how things have affected us. It’s OK to not be OK. I’m strong, yet soft. I’m the biggest muscle in our body and have helped you move through incredible pain. You are starting to recognise when people are good vs when people are pulling you towards unhealthy habits. I’m so proud of you for protecting me so I can maintain my softness. When the world would understand me becoming hard, you have protected me from harm, with grace. With openness. But also a fierceness. One of the most magical things that make you, you is me. My softness is because of your fierceness.

Keep going, Jess. I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud of us. This is the best teamwork.

With love (and a side of magic),
Your heart

#Connectedness #Alignment #MindBodySoul #Recovery #Resilience #SelfCare #DomesticViolence #Recovery #HealthCoach #LetterOfGratitude

When Others Test Your Boundaries. Breathe.

With the energy of the full moon, a handful of people have been surfacing and exposing their truth. For the most part, I’m surrounded by healthy people. Health being defined as being emotionally mature, spiritually responsible and above all, just a decent human being that respects my boundaries.

As the wave continues, I’m feeling super grateful. On one side, I can see clear as day when people get “angry” with my truth. My truth does not need to be their truth. My truth is my truth. Their truth is their truth. Both are fine. No stress.

These energies are interesting as they are projections of inadequacy. Rather than these people continue to work on themselves, they criticise me. Sometimes it’s easier for others to judge than it is to simply put in the work. I only mention these energies to reflect on recovery in its wholeness. I feel it’s important to share how I’m moving through my journey, not just the build but the [potential] sidesteps. Pro-tip, nothing is personal. Stay detached to others and connected with self. Always. Every.single.breath.

I’ve been reinstating boundaries with a few people in the last few days. A few people, I’ve even so much as shared how I felt with hopes that they would apologise. That was my first mistake, I was expecting reasonable behaviour from unreasonable people. Why? Because I forgot to accept where they are at this exact moment. A guilty pleasure is to treat people the way that I wish to be treated. I prioritised their potential rather than their current state of being. When people think there is a possibility to sneak back into my world, they will say whatever they need to say (love bombing) but once I hold a firm boundary, their mask falls off.

A few examples.

My biological family. Great Aunties. Last summer, I turned to family. My world was falling apart and I was convinced my mother was going to die. She was having an emergency open-heart surgery. She was my world. To move through this, I left town and took refuge with them. My only request was to not tell anyone I was there. My only request was dishonoured within 4 days. I responded by leaving and since then, not a single apology. One auntie literally screamed at me, another lied to my face and then an uncle told me that I need professional help. Opportunity to demonstrate self-care and stand in my integrity. The silver lining is through their behaviour, I was able to realise the importance of letting go of society’s concept of family and redefine it as love, loyalty, and respect. They do not qualify to be in my world.

A friend. Broken spirits have a way of finding one another. Usually, this is a magical space because being understood without explaining is such a powerful thing. Fewer words, more hugs. It works until it no longer works. I progress with my healing at a rather fast rate. Considering I moved to ground zero to confront my pain, I acknowledge that I’m supernatural. The judgement comes from a person that is still in cycle and rather than support me, she resents my continued healing. Opportunity to demonstrate self-care and stand in my integrity. The silver lining is through her behaviour, I’m reminded to depend on myself and stand in my integrity. By standing in my integrity, I am forced to acknowledge when I prioritise potential rather than current state of being.

I no longer play with unhealthy people. I set a boundary and disengage. It’s simple.

I will pray for them.

Being still and observing as various emotions surface. Deciphering whether the emotions are mine or theirs. Deciding which truth I accept. Connecting to self at the deepest level. Riding the wave. Breathing through the moment. Knowing, deep down, that I’m breaking my cortisol addiction. No more are the days where someone can say something where my response is “I’ll show you!” Rather, my current response is “I no longer subscribe to your reality” or “You are allowed to think/feel however you need to right now. I wish you well.”

And just like that, I shift my attention to messages from fellow builders. A few people in the same coaching programme. One asked me to do a skills lab. Another asked me about the new coaching website (I’ll share more in another post – SUPER excited). A group instructor sharing coursework (expand our knowledge base for STRONG by zumba). A friend invited me to spend more time with the dragonboat people. So much positivity and support. So much love.

I’m able to acknowledge the teachers without resentment. Rather, just a buttload of appreciation as they reminded me of my growth and progression with my journey. Healing from domestic violence is a delicate dance of acknowledging cycles to heal whilst tapping into healthy people to encourage growth. Consistently auditing my circle of influence to ensure that everyone is [still] adding value. Living up to a slogan of ‘just because I can, doesn’t mean I have to.’

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m blessed on so many levels. My journey continues…

#Resilience #NoMeansNo #SelfCare #HealthyBoundaries #Tribe #DomesticViolence #Recovery #BeYourOwnHero

Get it girl.

I am all over the place in terms of growth. It feels like everything is in overdrive. The more I stay detached to all external ‘things’, the more ‘ah-ha’ moments that seem to present themselves…

I just completed a week with some of the most energetic people I’ve EVER met! If endorphins could be bottled, this is ground zero of AWESOME! Each person comes from a different background, family, religion etc etc etc but ALL share a love for health. A love for movement. A love for living their best life.

One of the most difficult truths I’ve had to embrace is that sometimes I’m able to inspire others to live their best life and sometimes, I’m simply not. Semi often, I receive messages from others thanking me for inspiring them. Complimenting my focus (mindset) to accomplish a goal. Or simply sharing some overwhelming energy with them that served as a catalyst to simplify and expand. Simplify and expand.

My current focus is on launching my group fitness instructor hustle. I secured the licenses. Nailed the audition. Built the network. In a few days, it’s go-time. I’m a ball of nerves and still getting all the butterflies to fly together. The phenomenal thing about butterflies is that once I’m in a place of quiet, I’m able to feel the butterflies as an indicator that I really care about something. There is always a chance of failure but to me, any true failure is not showing up. I showed up. I will continue to show up. Convention has taught me so many things and the biggest take-a-away for this exact moment is: it’s not about getting it perfect, it’s about how you recover.

I’m a goofball. I laugh through most confusion. I get my sassypants on when surrounded by mixed energy. I’m intense AF when I’m building. There is always a time for jokes and then there is time to simply I’m in a season of putting in the work.

This is also the first time that I feel that I’m actually meant to be in Chicago. For the last few months, there were so many signs to just leave. Abort my mission and start someplace else. Accept that the work was finished and time to move on. And just like that, when I was about to accept ‘defeat’, the Universe starts opening up. Why?! Because I kept showing up.

Chicago was getting overwhelming. Pause. Identify where I stepped out of my integrity. Reset. Get freaking magical and jump back into Jess World. Jess World is kind of amazing… this time around, it started with a road trip. Time and space to reconnect. I’m still heavily swayed by proximity. Almost like a magnet, the closer I am to something, the stronger the pull in my heart. So time and space is essential for wellness. Thanks to my road trip, I started meeting some pretty amazing people. These are the people in my heart of hearts. These are the mirrors of what I encompass. These are the people that re-affirm that I’ve done the work and in a flow state. Granted, I visualise myself as a lighthouse. So with each boat that passes by, there are also some bugs. Each time a foggy energy presents itself, it’s an opportunity for me to lean into my intuition. Shut down the brain. Monitor the heart. Just follow the flow. Trust the gut. When I’m around aggressive (broken) energy, I still get an incredible sensation. It feels like I’m being punched in the face followed by a body roll of tingling energy. Not quite the chills. It’s darker. Familiar and slightly uncomfortable. Anyways, the last few days have been sensory overload that I couldn’t always tell what was MY energy vs what was coming from others. When I’m not grounded, I tend to absorb a lot from others.

Perhaps I’ll expand on a few of the epiphanies but for right now, it’s simply a moment to honour myself. Honouring that I’m able to stay relatively connected to self and detached from others. Honouring that my WHY is so incredibly strong that I continue to get affirmations from others that I’m on the right path. Honouring that I’m not where I want to be but I’m so incredibly blessed to be where I am.

Each person that I allow into my space is there because I enjoy them. Not because I need them but because I enjoy them. Such a beautiful space to be in. Knowing that I can lean on my community (if necessary) but also having the confidence that even if people don’t show up for me, I’ll continue to show up for myself.

Cheers to the people that offer a ladder when I jump down a rabbit hole. The people that laugh when I flip my switch. The community that preaches GET IT GIRL. GET IT. The family that is constantly expanding… Sports have been such a powerful part of my world and I’m embracing the Zumba family. The Sync family. And all the magical messengers in between.

The journey continues. With a full heart and a clear (ish) mind. The journey towards peace continues…

Health spot check (throwback): Resilience: The art of being a Lighthouse

#SelfCare #Resilience #Recovery #Trauma #Zumba #OneDayAtATime #BeYourOwnHero #GoalCrusher

Recalibrate and DEFINE a new normal.

*I’ve been writing whilst off-grid. Amature move is putting the words in an email rather than a word document. Autosave apparently didn’t work. It’s a shame as I had some pretty good flows. Keeping tabs on my emotional processing as I move through this road trip has been a priority. The Universe obviously wants to remind me about attachment hahaha… anyways…*

Chicago is ground zero. Things started to feel forced for a hot minute. I looked inward to figure out what I was doing wrong only to realise that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Lots of energy management (is this me or someone else)? Filter my thoughts (17 seconds Jess, 17 seconds). Breathe (belly breathe). Is this my reality or my perception of reality? (MY reality is Pretty.Freaking.Magical but this struggle was for real…).

It was time to recalibrate.

Today, I celebrate (and honour) that I’m surrounded by love because I AM LOVE. I have a handful of friends that have become family. Each time that I untangle from someone that does not align with where I’m headed, I’m rewarded with a kindred spirit. A person to reinforce that I’m on the right path. People that teach me it’s OK to trust the Universe. A reminder to trust myself. A reminder to trust others (perhaps I should be more cautious but it’s OK to have faith in humanity). People are absolutely MAGICAL.

IMG_5641This is a picture of me leaning into my higher power. I’m in a space where people are reinforcing my self-care practices. I’m offered subtle reminders that I’m worthy of the same magic that I share with others. People are not just honouring my existence but celebrating my presence.

My soul feels at peace. My heart is completely full.

The last few days, my world has been filled with magic; Book recommendations. Gratitude from different parts of the world. An invitation to a Zumba event. Videos. Referrals for pet care. Compliments on my ability to light up a room. Watching the world turn. Talking about probiotics and the difference between preventative vs restorative health. First experiences, seeing a horseshoe crab. Moonwalk on the beach. Creating new bucket list items. A cooler filled with home-cooked food. Last-minute scheduling accommodations with some of my FAVOURITE people

I’ve been putting out so much love and the Universe is saying ATTA GIRL. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be…

People ask me about what it means to be in a flow state. To be fully present. I’m not always sure how to get into this state of being. Generally speaking, my mind is all over the place (it’s difficult for me to shut down). One thing that I’ve realised is the importance of my surroundings. Being in flow state is MUCH easier when the company I keep believes in my magic! How do I figure this out? I take pictures. LOTS of pictures. There are moments where I feel chaotic but I’m fully present. There are moments when I’m second-guessing my ability to be an adult but I’m crushing it. And then there are moments where I’m just saying F*ck it and allowing someone to pull me into their world. After disassociating myself from my heavy emotions for so long, reconnecting with self at a deep level feels awkward and very chaotic. So taking pictures (documenting various stages) helps me move through my emotions in a productive way…

I have 3 favourite places in the world. These places are my solo places to retreat. To celebrate. To reconnect. To recalibrate my system. To define a new baseline for what I desire to be normal. One place is in Asia. Another place is in Europe. The last is in the USA. Each time that I visit one of these places, my walls are down and I’m able to be fully present. My goal has been to reach this state of being whilst in Chicago. Chicago is ground zero for my trauma. Chicago is where my biological family lives. Chicago is where I need to do the most work. My goal is to be in flow at ground zero. Does achieving this mean that I’m happy? Not really… It means that I’ve finally found peace with loving a family that defines love very differently from me. It’s the ultimate space of understanding, acceptance and self-care. I can only love others when I fully love myself. Part of loving myself is knowing that I can be a love bug whilst maintaining healthy boundaries. And maintaining those healthy boundaries is essential for continued growth. What’s the saying by Lao Tzu? “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

I’m finally focused on self, then those that love me at the deepest level. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. My journey continues…

#SelfCare #SelfLove #SelfHealer #HealthyBoundaries #BreakingToxicCycles #Roadtrip #Recovery #InvisibleWounds #Heartbreak #Grief #DomesticViolence #Family #GoodVibesOnly

Sometimes the solution is a ROADTRIP

I’m on another road trip! I love the hustle of the city. I loveeeeeee the open roads. For me, city life is still playing by the rules of ‘normal social constructs’. Deviating from these rules is not always received well… Sometimes I need to shrink myself to ‘fit in’. My magic is sometimes resisted… mostly embraced but sometimes, it’s resisted. June was such a massive month. August is going to be a massive month. So July is my self-care month. Let’s be honest, every day I have something related to self care but this month, I missed a few signs from the Universe and now I’m on a road trip… disconnect from society to reconnect with self.

Being on the open road reminds me that I have magic within. The saying, “your vibe attracts your tribe” is all that I need to remember. Whether it’s Shannon “Fertile Mertile” from Walmart, Charles from Tennessee Mountains or Michael from the Tennessee River or Jim from the Welcome Centre, I meet some of the warmest people in the world during roadtrips. The Universe is constantly blessing me with magic. Reminding me there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I attract some amazing souls because I have magic within. After being in Chicago for too long, sometimes I forget the magic within…

I had 2 dog-sitting contracts for July. After completing the contracts, I decided to hit the road. A last hurrah road trip before embracing my next chapter as a Group Fitness Instructor. I’m so excited to be teaching Zumba, Strong, and lord knows what else I’ll get myself into. I’m OBSESSED with my gym and the people. They are so AWESOME! I am still digesting the fact that I’m a new instructor (for Zumba anyways) and secured a spot at a gym on MICHIGAN AVENUE. That’s kind of a big deal. It’s the main road in the entire city. People have been teaching for years and unable to secure a role on Michigan Ave… and here, I did it. I do not take this opportunity lightly. I am beyond blessed. To prepare for this next chapter, I decided to take a 3 week road trip. My soul needed time and space outside of the city to re-calibrate. What did I need to re-calibrate from… such a worthwhile question…

External Noise

To start, I realised that I was surrounded by a bunch of disempowered people. People that were more comfortable with judging me than working on themselves. If they are judging me, they are not loving me. And at this point in my life, if you don’t love me, I have ZERO capacity for you. Full stop. People reminding me that family is family without accepting that my family has tried to kill me. People trying to get into my diary then cancelling last minute because they couldn’t manage their own diaries appropriately. Others telling me that a 3-week road trip is not responsible. A handful of people insisting that I need to sign a year lease rather than jump around month-to-month for housing. So much noise. So what’s in MY heart?!

Connected to Self

Well, my dog-walking/dog-sitting business is growing. I just secured another new client. I’m blessed. I secured 4 classes at a gym, with the intention to increase. I think I might be their dedicated STRONG by Zumba instructor and then also add STEP and Zumba Junior to the mix. I’m all about skilling up and this road trip is dedicated to expanding my Zumba skills. 2 more licenses by the end of the month! I’m blessed. I am in week 4 of my new coaching certification programme. I’ll be an ICF coach by December so that’s AWESOME. I’m blessed. Someone asked me to teach survival swim classes to children. At moment, I have zero time for their time management style but am giving them a chance to step into my world. I’m blessed. I have sooooo many wonderful things happening that I’m truly blessed. For real.

The Tug of War

Housing is not 100% stable. Mostly because I cannot make up my mind. I want to live near the lake but do I want to live with other people? Or by myself? What’s the process of applying for a studio? When do I get a credit card? Which credit card? Wouldn’t it just be easier to connect my Asian bankers with my USA bankers. Why do I have to put myself into debt to prove that I can pay my rent? Why don’t people accept 2-3 months upfront? I really should hire a lawyer to understand these 9 cards open/closed whilst I was living in Asia. I simply need to get super clear on my intentions and this will fix itself. I manifest like a pro… so it’s all about getting super clear on what I want. Easier said than done. I’m torn. 2 options. One is better for community, the other is better for peace. But if done properly, shouldn’t community and peace be the same? Do I trust the process? Is my faith bigger than my fear?

The Shift

One of the last conversations in Chicago was with a Columbian. He took notice of the books in the trunk of my car. Our conversation danced around the Universe, religion, community and family. We also covered emotional processing and the importance to hold space for your own emotions. I was surprised when he asked me how I felt whilst talking to him. I said ‘peaceful’. He agreed and touched my heart by introducing 2 new things to me. Anthony De Mello’s book AWARENESS: CONVERSATIONS WITH THE MASTERS and Pantheism.

The next day, my sister-friend was reading DARING GREATLY by Brene Brown and brought this book to my consciousness. Another amazing soul. I LOVE when people make book recommendations.

I’m beyond blessed. I have a trunk full of books, a handful of friends, a full tank of gas, a cooler with some snacks… and a mind that continues to create magic. Leaving Chicago, I felt very disconnected but the reality of it all is… it was just another growth. Growth can feel chaotic…

The journey continues…