TUESDAY NIGHTS ARE SACRED. It’s the ONE time of the week that I can be 100% unapologetic about feeling broken. I can admit when I gave up my power to a predator, willingly dove into a rabbit hole of nonsense, or chose ego over compassion.
I do NOT handle boundary-crossing very kindly. So many boundaries have been set and a handful have been ignored. In the last 2 months, I’ve been in a position of less than normal strength. Most of the people in my world have been kind. I’m eternally grateful for these people that tip the scales. There are also a handful of troublemakers that would rather jump into my lane than focus on healing themselves. The double-edged sword is hitting my triggers. Triggers are an area that I’m actively healing. When I say STOP and it’s not honoured, my inner beast comes out and I seek to destroy. It’s not a friendly beast. It’s focused, fierce, and unforgiving. It scares the crap out of me. I understand but I do not like myself when this side of me is exposed.
The last time this side of me was exposed, it took over 13 years to tip my scale. Including trying to kill me on two occasions. Tipping my scale wasn’t even after an act of aggression towards me. It was after an act of aggression towards my mother. I was defending her. I set clear intentions that if the behaviour was going to continue, this is my course of action (xxx). NEVER GET ANGRY, GIVE CONSEQUENCES. The art of setting boundaries. Never ending work. The only thing I can control is how I wish to engage and how I allow things to affect me. Nothing more. Nothing less. Healthy boundaries. Let go. Healthy boundaries. Let go. Healthy Boundaries. Let go…
I need to reframe my intolerant side as being a beast. I need to embrace and acknowledge that I’m a professional at channelling certain emotions. I’m getting really good with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with grossly unhealthy people. Despite focusing on creating magic and doing things from a place of love, it was shocking on how quickly my mind, body, and soul was able to snap back into dissociate and destroy mode. Awareness before change. Why do I continue to surround myself with unhealthy people? Why do I entertain unhealthy exchanges?
Tuesday nights are sacred. It’s my night to check myself. It’s my night to take inventory. It’s my night to speak my truth and know that others are holding space and gently guiding me towards building a healthy community. Tuesday nights are my favourite night of the week. And soon enough, Tuesday nights are going to be the gold standard of who is allowed to stay in my world.
Each day, I grow. I expand. I share my magic with the world. I allow others to share their magic with me. Each day, the smile in my soul comes out just a bit. A grounded smile. A smile that is seen in my eyes, not my lips. A smile that indicates that I’m at peace.
I continue to take pictures of myself. Most of the pictures never make it to social media. It’s part of the process. The healing process. To check myself. To check my smile. Is this a forced smile? (when stressed, my smile is huge) A sarcastic smile? (I know you are up to something I just cannot figure out what) A peaceful smile? (I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be) Typically my peaceful smile is when my soul knows I’m safe… and since being back to Chicago, that’s only been on Tuesday nights. (and the last two weeks…) The last two weeks; I’ve been in a place where I’ve been honoured, celebrated and loved. I’ll share more about the last two weeks… for now, I’m still allowing my heart to adjust to being surrounded by love.
Tuesday nights are so incredibly important for my world. Tuesday nights are sacred. My journey continues…
#SelfCare #Trauma #Recovery #Resilience #DomesticViolence #OneDayAtATime #BeYourOwnHero