Where can I love myself just a bit more?

“Jess, you can push me away but I’m not going anywhere…”

I’m bumbling through a side step. I’m doing the best I can. A few old habits are dying hard. And it’s the first time that I’m being called out, consistently… others are noticing that despite my efforts, my walls are coming up. My tolerance for nonsense is non-existent. Such a beautiful moment to pause.

Why are my walls coming up?

I was hired to be a group fitness instructor for a gym in Chicago. Not just any gym but a fancy pants gym on Michigan Avenue. I’m not low key about being super duper excited about this achievement! I’m superrrrrr excited! That said, our doors are about to open and my class schedule is posted. Rightfully so, my class schedule has been posted on my LinkedIn and Facebook for a few weeks. Come to think of it, my schedule is also posted on my Zumba website. The plot twist is that this is the FIRST time that I’m announcing that I’m going to be at a specific place at a specific time… and actually be there.

Domestic Violence. Recovery after domestic violence comes in waves. Everything seems overwhelming. Changing houses seems to be easier than admitting that anxiety is taking over. It’s humbling when the bank requires a physical address rather than a PO box. So many reminders that despite my greatest efforts, I’m not in a normal position. I’m in the midst of a build. My housing is stable. My side hustles are stable. I’m doing another certification programme. And now, I’m about to test my healing journey. Have I done the inner work? In the event that my family shows up, am I in a place to embrace them with love? Have I completely lost the plot by thinking that they would even pop over? Can I tell when my rational mind switches over to my emotional mind? Disassociation; is it still a superpower? What about the pain… is it in my head? Heart? Soul? Am I still focused on them or me? Jess, how are you feeling at this exact moment?

I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m absolutely and unquestionably terrified… My family has not made any efforts to see me, speak to me or check on me. The last time my father even so much as referenced me; was calling me a slut after he read my blog post about being raped. The last time I spoke on the phone with my mom; was after her son tried convincing her that she needed to have my apple password. The time before that, was shortly after she had open-heart surgery… My brother? HAHAHA! The last words shared with him was something along the lines of “I wish you would find a new hobby. Being obsessed with your sister is unhealthy.” (my attempt to call him out for triangulating and creating trouble). There is a good chance that they are reading my blog or have read my blog. There is a good chance that my mother is still poisoned into thinking that my life is better without her (it’s not but she also believes that family is family at all costs).

Do I think they will show up at the gym? I’m not sure. Do I think someone will start trouble? Perhaps. But truly… what is in my heart? and more importantly, does any of it matter?

Digging… I’m in the midst of crushing another series of goals. I’m taking care of my wellness and protecting my heart. I’m making a series of productive decisions and finally in a space that I’m quite proud of. I have people all over the world to share my joy and the one person that I want to call is my mommabear. I would love to call her and share how my first week has been. I would love to invite her to my class. I would even love to introduce her to my team/colleagues.

Nervous? I can no longer call her. Am I going to reach for myself?

Scared? How is my heart going to feel at the moment of pure joy? When I’m bubbling out with laughter and my soul is smiling. Am I going to reach for myself?

Terrified? Perhaps I’ll feel nothing. I’ve been doing so much inner work and yes, I think of my family from time to time. I wish them health and peace. I do miss them but I do not miss how they treated me. I’m scared that I’m actually at peace with this and letting go makes me a bad daughter/sister/human being. Rather than acknowledge that I have done everything in my power (plus some), I’ll be harsh with myself in creating something additional I could have done.

Have I officially broken this cycle? Am I still seeking their approval? Do I know the cost of sharing my joy? IF I make the call, how would I gracefully disengage?

This week is going to be super powerful. I make no mistake in embracing the full weight of everything. I’ve been preparing for months. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Now I get to see if my heart is on the same page… where is my head? Am I in alignment… where does it still hurt? Where can I love myself just a bit more…?

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #DomesticViolence #Recovery #Family #HealthyBoundaries #SelfCare

 

 

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