One of the biggest recent ‘lightbulb’ moments was during a workshop, the speaker said something about how pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I’ve been sitting on this for a few days. It’s profound. It’s truthful. It’s a bunch of things.
For me, part of the reason why I avoided acknowledging truth was because I was scared of pain. Some days I was in so much pain I honestly thought acknowledging it would kill me. Other days, I was still in pain but realised the only way out was through. I was surrounded by so many people gaslighting me, this was my opportunity to seek truth. Turn into my pain. Acknowledge it. See it. Feel it. Be it. Then let it go.
Last week was emotionally tolling on me. Someone mentioned a statistic that domestic violence cases rose 400% since the nation implemented ‘shelter at home’. 9 weeks. 9 weeks?! I’ll be the first to argue the nuances of abuse. I’ll be the first to offer tools to move through it. I’ll also be the first to step in and fight battles I have zero business being involved in (I’m working on this last part).
My heart sank. Not for me but for each person going through difficulties. Each person suffering in silence. I suffered for a very long time. I didn’t realise I was being abused. I wasn’t ready to acknowledge (or process) a life of half truths. I didn’t realise I was worthy of peace. I didn’t realise I was enough. I accepted the words of people telling me I was not enough. I tried to be perfect. I did the best with what I had. I also trained myself to find the silver lining in all situations. I allowed myself to suffer. I forgive myself for allowing it to happen for so long. I suffered by staying in this space rather than move through it.
Suffering was learning how to be invisible and dampening my quirks. 400%. A week later, my heart still feels all sorts of ways. A National statistic. It’s ridiculous. It’s sickening. Imagine all the people who are not even part of the statistic because they have not broken their silence?! Insanity.
I have been using my platform to continue to raise awareness. I’ve been hosting conversations about both Domestic Violence and Mental Health. May is mental health awareness month. I still go back and forth with ignorance. Can trauma be so bad the ego legitimately refuses self to acknowledge truth? Without truth, how can one move through? How does one end suffering? A few years ago I was very triggered with telling people I was a survivor of domestic violence. The first year, I REFUSED to call myself a victim. My father tried to kill me, twice. The longer he refuses to acknowledge and move through this with me, the more my heart is able to accept he is OK with it. How can a sane human being be OK with trying to kill their child? Even an adult child. It makes zero sense. I do not have bruises. I do not have broken bones. I do not have visual wounds. I’m a survivor of gun violence. I’m a survivor of emotional abuse. I’m a survivor of psychological warfare. My wounds are invisible. 400% increase in domestic violence cases. Most of which have visual wounds. What about the invisible wounds? What about the survivors of gun violence? What about the people with fear because their life was actually threatened? What about the people who are suffering in silence? My heart breaks. I remember what it felt like to not be seen. I remember what it felt like when no one believed me. I remember what it felt like when the people I confided in treated me like I was broken.
I’m not sure if I’m feeling this sort of way because I remember the extreme pain (and suffering) associated with a healing journey? Or the mass confusion? Perhaps I’m sitting with the memory to rebuild a sense of self whilst having zero idea of what that means?
I’m not sure.
I feel rage. Rage for people suffering in silence. Rage for people dealing with others saying “stay home, save lives”. Rage for people who are being hurt. Rage for people with low self-worth. Rage for people who don’t even recognise they are being abused. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I revealed a wound in need of a bit of TLC.
I feel selfish looking after myself when I should be doing more to help others. And just then, I remind myself the best way to help others is to continue my healing. Continue to stay in my lane. Continue to wait for a phone call…
I cannot help people who do not want to be helped. THIS is where the true pain lays. I spent a majority of my life creating magic for others and now I’m confronted with an opportunity to create magic for myself, resulting in magic for others.
I still desire helping others. Empowering others. My test is patiently waiting for others to ask for my help. Patiently wait for others to seek my support. Until then, I continue to dance in my lane.
It’s difficult to acknowledge pain. For me, it was the ONLY way to end my suffering.
The journey continues.