Art of Receiving. Art of Reciprocity.

I’m constantly surrounded by love. I know this in the deepest part of my soul. My heart is sometimes overwhelmed with pain. My head gets distracted with trying to quantify things. But my soul knows. It always knows.

10687117_881733382402_5166556558486601293_nWhen my grandfather transitioned, I felt a part of my heart go with him. I felt very alone and scared. Grandpa was one of my protectors. I stopped sharing this fear with others. The first people I opened up to taught me to swallow my big emotions. Only share the positive ones. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Put on your big girl panties. Stop being so sensitive. It’s not a big deal. Why are you always so dramatic. I was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realise that I wasn’t surrounded by love.

Since it’s Veteran’s day… and it’s 11/11, I need to share some words. My spiritual friends are mostly talking about portals, stepping into new power. Letting go of the old. All sorts of magic. I know my grandfather is still protecting me. I know that unicorns exist. I know that I’m loved and I’m unquestionably magical. Sometimes I still question my health. A few years ago, a Psychology PhD told me that if I’m the only sane one amongst a sea of crazy, then I am in fact the crazy one. It’s a matter of context. Context is everything. I should always be mindful of my surroundings. As I reflect on that today… I cannot help but just honour a few things.

ME. This chapter of discovery has been difficult. It’s been filled with ups and downs. Plot twists. Daily opportunities to practice self-care. Daily opportunities to detach with love. Daily opportunities to find the light in the dark and the dark in the light. Daily opportunities to love my big emotions… all of them.

My soul tribe. These angels continue to show up in the most not-so-random ways. A new one reveals themselves every few days. Apparently my soul continues to reach out to people around the world. I’m blessed. I’m learning so much about myself through interactions with them. My attachment styles vary depending on who I’m dealing with and the level of trust I chose to offer. I still tend to side with animals or people that do not speak English. It’s then when I’m forced to observe. I cannot cloud my judgement with words… Yes. I’m so blessed because my soul tribe keeps showing up.

Guardian Angels. I have a fleet of angels. I know this with 100% truth. Grandpas, Aunties, Friends and all sorts… always showing up to remind me of what I’m made of: LOVE with a side of magic.

Love bugs. This doesn’t need an explanation. They are love bugs. They love. Continuing loving when it’s hard. That’s when it’s needed the most.

As I continue to heal parts of me, I’m embracing a very difficult truth. A truth that I keep reframing and struggle to let go. Logically, I know what to do. Emotionally, I still have faith. Perhaps the focus on faith is simply to trust the process? My family has dealt with generational trauma. We are not special as most families have this problem. I refuse to accept anything that is not love. And standing in this truth has come at a very steep cost. My entire family. Do I love them? Yes. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I wish that things were different? Yes. Is there anything else I can do? Nope. Well, correction. I can continue to love myself and heal myself. By healing myself, I’m healing the relationship with them. Maybe? I love everyone with a pure heart. As I honour this exact moment, I can also say that sometimes I need to love people from a distance. Today, that distance stings. Whether it’s loving my guardian angels from the clouds or loving my family from a few towns over… I know that they love me in the only way they know how. I cherish them for loving me in their own way. At the same time, I wish they knew they were capable of peace and the love they deserve.

Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. Everyone.

I’m learning how to receive love. Just as important as offering it. The art of receiving… Happy Holiday. Hug a Vet and allow them to hug you back (Grandpa Corvo is hugging me and I’m loving every minute of it). The art of reciprocity.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #DomesticViolence #GenerationalTrauma #Understanding #Forgiveness #SelfCare #Love #Family #Recovery #InvisibleWounds #Reciprocity

Whats love got to do with it?

The Universe has been super chatty lately. Or I’ve successfully quieted my internal world to hear the messages. Perhaps, I should give myself more credit go with the latter… I’m in a safe place and surrounded by love. Sometimes others are offering love and sometimes, I’m just love bombing myself. That’s my current vibe for the moment… people are not competing with one another for a spot in my world. They are competing with how I love myself… and my self-care game is starting to be on point regularly. Finally.

Looking back, I’ve gone from not having a voice to using my voice for just about every single time that I have felt slighted. Now I’m stepping into a space of knowing when to use my voice. I’m not proud of the times that I bit back but I forgive myself as it’s part of the process. I’m still re-wiring my core belief system. The pieces are finally coming together. I was getting annoyed with posts about positivity. I was getting annoyed with posts about unconditional love. And it hit me today, my issue is because love was weaponised. Toxic people have used my love, or the love of others, to cause me harm.

Weaponising love is unacceptable.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that I was no longer allowed to openly process with him. I appreciate the boundary being set, the truth shared and can shift my energy towards people that love ALL parts of me. I openly process just about everything. My tribe. My family. My people know when to let me blabber on (most of the time I’m not even looking for a spitfire session or feedback, I just need to voice the tug of war within). To be honest, I enjoy open processing because when I’m talking about the difficult stuff, the simple look on someone’s face tells me everything I need to know. Generally speaking, I’ve dissociated so I am not aware of the extent of hard stuff. I’m mostly in autopilot. It’s not good or bad. I am unable to digest the depth because it’s just another thing to work through. If that makes sense. Even today, I laugh at myself for being able to talk about extremely hard things with a smile on my face. Part is because I’m grateful that I’m here to talk about it and part because when you dissociate, you don’t really understand the depth of pain. Like my father threatening me with a loaded gun. Externally, people will say OMG. Internally, I’m saying, ‘well, he didn’t pull the trigger’ and deep down, it’s too much for me to comprehend that my father is hurting so much that he felt it was acceptable to do such a thing. Blinded by his own pain.

I’m a reformed people pleaser (and reformed enabler). It’s not ok that he’s hurting but that’s for him to sort out. My responsibility is my recovery. I continue to work through my pain. It’s a process.

I digress.

When love is weaponised. My momma bear has been visiting me the last few nights in my dreams. It’s been taking me every ounce of my being to not pick up the phone. A mentor even suggested that I pick up the phone just to say, “Hello. I miss you and wanted to make sure you are ok?” As much as I would love to claim the strength for that, I’m not at that point (yet). I’m ok with talking to the clouds. I’m also ok with throwing energy into a crystal (thanks for the suggestion). I’m ok with lighting a white candle each night and wishing for her peace of mind and to feel the love of the Universe. She’s still in my daily prayers. What I’m not at peace with is having a conversation about the weather. Or when asked “How are you?” only responding with “I’m good. and you?” I want to share everything. The people I’ve befriended, my house, my kitchen garden, my various hustles. She’s my person and I’m used to sharing everything with her. But I can’t. Her boundary is “do not share anything with me unless you are OK with it being shared with your brother and father.” Reminder: my father tried to kill me. So, yeah…

Does my heart hurt, yeah. My love is pure and so the last 448 days or so has been rough. In the last few years, I’ve been working though quite a bit. Earth angels keep telling me that the more I heal myself, the more healing will take place with others within my family. I’m not sure I understand but it’s worth a shot. Now I have even more motivation to continue my inner work.

My father and brother double teamed my mommabear and weaponised her love. They are masters of creating lose-lose situations. Sometimes I resent my awareness to see this clear as day. Sometimes I’m angry that she allows it. Sometimes I’m hurt by the truth that she prioritises the game playing over protecting me. Most days, my heart hurts as I feel the need to protect her before protecting myself. But each day, I’m offered a decision. And I decide to love. Always choose love. Choosing to love myself is not always easy. It’s a daily practice. I still have inner work to do.

I do not agree with people that have caused me harm. I understand. I do not agree with people that hurt other people. I understand. I do not agree with weaponising love. I understand.

I’m a reformed people pleaser. Love has been weaponised. I’m so incredibly blessed for the magic makers that are helping me redefine love AND those helping me feel loved on a whole new level.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Recovery #SelfCare #DomesticViolence #InvisibleWounds #EmotionalAbuse #Family #OneDayAtATime

Love Bug Jess without a care in the world

The message that been sitting in my heart the last few days has been REDEFINING family. I’ve mentioned it a few times and now it’s an unshakable part of my world.

I consider myself an expert at building. I’ve built communities and families all around the world. I’ve created a world for myself in China, Hong Kong and Singapore. Coming back to the USA has been one of my most challenging builds. I think mostly because when moving to new countries, it’s building from scratch whereas coming “home” was adding a layer of “do I fix old or let it go”. I don’t handle rejection very well and have realised that it’s because I was still rejecting parts of me. I was betraying myself. I found it immensely difficult to love certain parts of me.

I’m in a constant state of wanting to be loved but not wanting to be around others. People have been trying to control me for as long as I can remember. Anything from flat out saying ‘you cannot do this or that’ to planting subtle seeds of ‘I prefer it when you do this or that’. If you love me, you love ALL of me, not just the parts that are convenient for you. And the control was hardly asking with intention to understand, it was telling with intention to get me to change.

I’m a reformed people pleaser.

My current wave has been interesting. It’s been filled with people that are speaking to my soft points. The points that I’m trying so hard to love. My quirks. Even though I’ve been writing letters of gratitude to myself, there are points that I’m not always aware of. And my current wave is filled with people holding up mirrors. Giggling with me. Loving me so much that I remember to love myself. Honour myself. Celebrate myself.

Last weekend, it was in terms of a discussion of masculine & feminine energy. I felt masculine and others spoke (and saw) my feminine. It feels nice to be seen.

Throughout the week, it’s been drawing pictures of hearts on the mirror and my housemates drawing smiley faces inside the hearts and then pacman eating the ghost. It feels nice to be seen.

Currently, it’s people that I’ve shared a few insecurities with that are supporting me by  asking what I need. Sometimes, I’m not sure what I need so it’s nice to be asked. It feels nice to be seen.

I’m all up in my feels this morning. Just tickled to know that I’m cultivating a tribe. I’m finding my family. The last few seasons have felt incredibly lonely. I very much enjoy my own company. Family has been a huge part of my world that without it, I felt my life lost meaning. I know this is not true but that’s how I’ve been feeling. And so knowing that each day, I’m getting closer to building, closer to finding, closer to being seen by the right people. People that hold space for my authentic self to come out and play. The love bug Jess that doesn’t have a care in the world.

The fighting Jess needs to rest. And rest only comes when family shows up. And I am starting to trust that I’m finding my family. My heart is so full right now.

My heart still hurts for the tremendous loss of my momma bear. I miss her very much. Working through this pain is manageable because of the presence of some incredible people that are pulling me into their tribe and being present to be part of my family. My redefined family.

The journey continues…

Emotional wellness spot-check: this is where I was last year.

#Resilience #Recovery #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #OneDayAtATime #Family

Dear Head, I love you. Sincerely, Heart

Oh hay girl! I see you. I admire you. I love you. Gosh has it been a week. It’s that time to take a step back and take your own advice. Are you ready for the love bomb that is about to be dropped? *wink*

Dear Head,

I know you are clever. I know that you are constantly looking for ways to connect the dots. You are so good that sometimes you connect dots that don’t exist. You are pretty magical. You want things to work. I admire that. Very much. This time, I was the clever one. I appreciate you always being there to protect me. Sincerely. I love you in every aspect of the word. The last few weeks, I very much appreciate you standing next to me. We have been working together. And it’s ok. It’s safe. And we are back to dancing. We are back to laughing. We are even back on vibe with some of the people we admire most. People that comment on the giggle. The ones that comment on the spark being back. The fire within that shines bright. The ones that acknowledge (and celebrate) the cheeky smile in our eyes. We are back on vibe. We know our tribe and sometimes forget all that is magical within. It’s these people, sprinkled around the world that speak to different parts of us. Cheering along the way. They are making their presence known. Once again, to simply remind us of all our glory and all the magic that is within.

Last night, all the pieces fell into place. Even though we have been standing next to one another, I had a plan that I could not share with you. The sheer mass of the current undertaking. If I let you in on it, we might not have been able to take action. This needed to start from me (heart) and now we will finish together (head+heart=team). I need you. I need us to be a team. I need us to gently dance together. We started a series on Linkedin. Over the course of 2 years, we shared over 3.5 million words related to domestic violence. And the recovery from it. And now, we are encouraging dialogue on linkedin. Domestic Violence in the workplace… starting this conversation on the world’s largest professional platform. Thank you for allowing me to take the lead. Sometimes the only way to start is with my lead.

And now I need you. We need you. Jess needs us. Jess is in the midst of crushing another goal. Planting seeds in the minds of very influential people.

So to move forward, I want to thank you. Thank you for being present. Thank you for standing near. Thank you for knowing when to stand firm and when to let go. Thank you for protecting me with something fierce. I come out to play because I know you will always protect me. We are about to embark in one of the most magical seasons ever. And before we take that step, I just want to say THANK YOU for allowing me to be me. Talk, type, share, isolate, dance, cry or sing… you’ve allowed me to do whatever I needed for us. And for that, I wanted you to know that I appreciate your presence.

I love you. Let’s crush this goal, together.

With love,

Heart

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Alignment #Gratitude #Recovery #DomesticViolence

Lost in Trauma, Gained through recovery.

I’ve been spending a great deal of time on LinkedIn. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 2017, I started public speaking workshops for teenagers. 2018, I had a bunch of purging on facebook. 2019, I’m doing awareness on LinkedIn. Officially it’s the last platform to break my silence.

I know that I’m loved. I know that there are so many eyeballs watching me. I know that some are wishing that I continue to suffer. But there are more that are quietly cheering me on. They cringe with my sidesteps but mostly they are supporting me with finding the humour in my behaviour. I continue to break cycles that no longer serve my highest self.

I help people. I inspire people. I run a few businesses. I’m about to embark on a new hustle and each week, I’m presented with new opportunities. None of that is as important as finding my tribe. Breaking my silence on LinkedIn has been beyond powerful. This is my high functioning group. The creme de le creme. The people (similar to me) that have been exposed to domestic violence but 1. don’t talk about it so it’s virtually impossible to identify it. 2. think that emotions are unnecessary and live & die by the saying ‘one-time shame on you, two times shame on me’. 3. Can also admit to a personal mantra as being, ‘It’s not personal, it’s business’ and know exactly how to flip that switch. It’s self-preservation. I know these people and can identify them because I am one of them.

It took me 20 years of conditioning and 11 years of active abuse to figure it out. Nearly 3.5 million words later, I’m still cleaning up parts of my life. Can I run a business? Yes. Can I pay my bills? Yes. Can I have functioning interpersonal relationships with HEALTHY people? The operative word being healthy. How exactly do we define healthy? *smirk*

Am I still allowing toxic people into my space? Once identified, they are removed. Am I losing my shit when people push a trigger? Nope, not my business. I feel the feels and do the things. Always doing the things… but now feeling the feels whilst doing the things.

I loved to dissociate. I didn’t see this as being good or bad. I see it as being clever. I see it as being functioning because most days, I’m surrounded by unhealthy people. But those rare moments… the moments where my guard comes down. A compliment is shared. From heart-centre. My inner child comes out to play. I’m having more of those moments as of late. I take everything very serious. Friends are usually laughing at me. Screenshot 2019-10-21 at 6.14.29 PMSerious Jess means that I don’t feel safe. All things considered, since being in Chicago, when I shared my heartbreak, I would have a penis thrust into my personal space (thanks fb for the reminder – see the tangent for Sweetest Day 2018). Other times that I shared my heartbreak, I was told to just get over it. Be positive. Focus on the good. Today is much different. People are kind. I’m finding my tribe.

I’m 2 years into a healing process. 2 years. To put everything into context. I moved to ground zero of my trauma. My mission, to figure it out. #JourneyToPeace.

In the first year, I lost my father and my brother. Those were difficult truths to accept but manageable. The second year, I lost my mother. This was a devastating truth. This nearly shattered me. Abuse 101, specifically psychopath abuse… when an abuser can no longer control you, they control how others view you. My mother went from being my mommabear, my person, my go-to for everything in life to a stranger. She is now someone that doesn’t think my existence is worth anything. Clouded by her pain, she’ll take that truth to the grave. She allowed others to get into her head and affect her heart. If she’s happy, then I’m happy. Deep down, if she’s happy then she did one hell of a great job at pretending to care about me for 33 years. That’s a truth that I struggle with every single day.

But still, I’m sharing my truth and picking up coaching clients on a semi-regular basis. Sure, I still deal with people that are wasting my time. I also deal with predators that use my blog as a roadmap on how to hurt me. But those are far and few between. The majority of people in my world are well-wishers. I’m forever protected by a handful of guardian angels. Regularly, I feel their presence. My Grandfathers, my Godmother and Dave. I’m sure there are more but those are my regular protectors.

And today, I honour a message from a magical soul. I had sprinkled out love into the LinkedIn world earlier in the day. This friend liked one of the comments. I sent her a text “You are by far magical in every sense of the definition” and her response “Love seeing what you’re doing… people who need to hear your voice are finding you, and I love seeing it!”

What I lost in trauma, I’m gaining through recovery.

The journey continues…

#DomesticViolence #Resilience #Recovery #EmotionalAbuse #MentalWellness #OneDayAtATime

There is NOTHING simple about doing the work.

Every once in a while, the Universe decides to spinkle my life with amazing people. To be fair, my life is filled with amazing people. Sometimes I allow my emotional pain to sit in the drivers seat preventing me from seeing things for what they are and people for who they are. With all the heartbreaking things in this world, I prefer to dance around Jess world. I prefer Jess world because even if it’s a magical bubble, people are kind. They are love. And being in this world allows me to be my true self. A goofy, quick-witted, love bug that believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. When my days get difficult, I still prefer to reach out to the clouds. I’m starting to reach out to others…

Tonight was delicate moment. It was a moment when I would reach to call my mommabear. It was a moment where I was aware that jumping on the interwebs would land me in a rabbit hold of webMD. I noticed white mold on my green onions and my mommabear has a green thumb. She would have been my go-to. To share my obsessive-compulsive, slightly neurotic insistence to remove the mold and figure out how to protect my plant. If she didn’t have the answer, then we would giggle whilst googling together. Tonight was a day that I was doing the work.

I held space for myself. I let out a cry of sadness that is also a cry for self.

I miss my mommabear every.single.day. Every.single.day. Sitting with myself and observing my emotions. Acknowledging where to love myself just a bit more. This is doing the work. Acknowledging last Friday, I sat at a train station for 2.5-3 hours debating on jumping on the BNSF. To run to her. Just to share news that I crushed my audition. Another instance of me running to others. But who is running to me? This truth is overwhelming. Almost feels like a tsunami of loss. I’m still grieving. And this week, I’m in my kitchen, replanting. Gardening was a shared hobby. Her garden was one of the most beautiful gardens I’ve ever seen. There are so many things to honour and celebrate. I was nominated to be on some humanitarian influencer list… specifically for my work in recovery after domestic violence. The nomination is framed as ‘championing PTSD’ (not even a hashtag that I use but it’s such an honour to be seen by the community that I serve. In addition to that, being asked to be a global spokesperson for a humanitarian group (again for my work within the domestic violence space). And the last part… last night to honour a gigglefest covering everything from ‘I want those 2 minutes of my life back,’ healthy boundaries with unhealthy people, ‘does karma take suggestions?’ all the way to sharing insights of what my #BeYourOwnHero programme actually is… and figuring out how to modify for the military. So many positive things happening in my world. So many magical people. And today, my ego can list all the things qualifing me as a decent human being and yet, my heart feels like a complete failure as a daughter. Logically, I know their trauma is their trauma. My heart struggles to accept it. At this exact moment, all I know is that I miss my mommabear. I miss my person.

My heart hurts. Today, my heart hurts.

(THIS is an articulation of what is happening within. And as I take a hot shower, I remind myself to be gentle. To love myself. To shift from asking myself “I wonder what she is doing” to “Jess, where do you need to be loved right now”. THIS is when I have an ugly cry in the privacy of my own house. I acknowledge everything from fear of rejection to reminants of inadequacy. So many things cropping up. None of it truth. It’s my trauma. Observe. What’s my behaviour. Am I slipping into old habits. What is serving my highest self. Isolation. To tend to my heart. The mind is fierce. The ego is here to protect. The heart just wants to love. Another layer of disconnect… and holding space for my head & heart to reconnect… To Protect and To Love.

My heart hurts. Today it hurts. The ego wants to protect it. But there is nothing to protect. They are sitting together. The ego is witnessing the release of… another layer. Another opportunity to connect to self. Another depth of connection.

The process continues…

#TraumaBond #CoDependency #Resilience #Recovery #OneDayAtATime #THISisTheWork #DoTheWork #BeYourOwnHero #SelfCare #Family

Surfing a wave of manchildren

Rewiring after narcissistic abuse takes time. It takes a LOT of self care. It can be exhausting to figure out who to trust and then realise that it’s not about trusting others as much as trusting yourself. It’s about consistently needing to qualify your intuition as you really cannot tell the difference between butterflies and danger. It still feels the same.

Sometimes it gets overwhelming with questioning humanity. Most days it honestly seems like everyone is a predator. And just when my walls start to come down, some manchild reminds me WHY I have walls to begin with. It’s a process. A massive process.

My saving grace has been the ability to call out what I classify as poor behaviour and continue to stand in my truth, at all costs. All.costs. Narcissists back down (whilst usually throwing out insults). Psychopaths challenge (it’s a game to them). Healthy people ask how to adjust and support by actually adjusting. It’s super simple. Life is super simple.

It took me the better part of a year to successfully implement & maintain healthy boundaries with family. I’m pretty good with implementing in other aspects of my world. Sometimes I still sidestep. Sometimes I trust the wrong people. Being gentle with myself, I honour myself for giving others the opportunity to share their truth. Again, it’s a process. I don’t live with regrets because any side step is just my ego winning in the tug of war between head and heart. My heart wants to believe that people are healthy, my mind knows most are not. I’m in a season of PROVE IT… perhaps even to myself.

My current flow of manchildren are in the medical field. You’d think that doctors, nurses and the like would be more mindful but the reality is this wave is filled with mindFULL people. hahaha. Manchildren looking for a toy. I am the perfect target on a few levels. Physically, I look good on someone’s arm and manchildren love to have things that make them look good. Emotionally, I’m still working through a season of trauma and do not trust myself when it comes to romantic endeavours. Manchildren love to prey on people going through a healing journey as healing people oftentimes forget what they deserve and are grateful for crumbs of affection. It’s super easy to manipulate people that are healing. Mentally, I’m fairly switched on so it becomes a challenge of can I spot the dysfunction before they decieve me. Or in other words, a game of cat & mouse. Manchildren love thinking they are more clever than those they prey on.

On one level, it’s comical. On another level it’s disheartening. Not for me but for them. Manchildren are so broken that rather than fix themselves, they need to prey on others. And to top things off, they have access to all the best medical practices known to man (western world context) and still go out and play. I think it’s a sad world they live in. From trying to send messages before a shower, blabbering about dick machines to curb errectile dysfunction all the way to 10pm text messages asking for my address and a cuddle session because well, cuffing season is about to start?! Traditionally, objectification has been a soft point in my world. To be fair, knowing this is the current wave in my world speaks more to my wellness than anything else. Why is my focus on them?

In addition to these manchildren, I also have decent men sprinkled in my life. Men that don’t turn things sexual. Ever. There are no ‘jokes’ about what I taste like or crude gestures. They don’t answer a video chat by exposing their penis. And most importantly, they don’t plant seeds that have no business being in my garden. So who are these decent men… let me expand…

Decent men in my world. They are sharing links to support one of my many goals. They are commenting and resharing my content (I launched a coaching business and most of my business is referral based so engagement and resharing is always appreciated). They call me to say hello. Not to meet up but just to check in. They make me laugh at little things and celebrate my quirks… a recent conversation asked about Oscar (a house mouse that I named during a recent journey to catch and relocate a furry friend). Decent men offer to pick me up at a nearby location rather than my house (they acknowledge that I take time to trust). Sometimes the decent men even remember to bring me a slice of my favourite fruit. I love decent men. They exist. My life is in abundance. My life has duality. My life has more decent than manchildren… sometimes it’s easier to fight the injustice than it is to honour the peace. And recognizing the need to ‘fight the injustice’ is revealing one of my triggers… I need to remind myself that karma will serve these manchildren exactly what they deserve.

I am seen. I am loved. When I’m focused on the manchildren, I’m subconsciously working through my engrained trauma bond. I’ve been conditioned to accept this merry-go-round behaviour. And each time that I even allow it into my space… it’s me struggling to break the cycle. It’s me doing the work. Awareness before change.

I’m in a season of healing. Anyone that tries to compromise that is a manchild. I wish they would focus on their own healing rather than step in my lane… I cannot control them. I can only control me. Each person is brought into my world teaches me where to love myself just a bit more. And for that, I can appreciate the manchildren whilst maintaining healthy boundaries. And when it comes down to it, sometimes burning a bridge is simply so crazy cannot follow me.

Manchildren are not welcomed into my world, ever.

#Love #Resilience #HealthyBoundaries #OneDayAtATime #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #DomesticViolence #Trauma #Recovery #SelfCare #Cuffing #BreakingToxicCycles

With love, Stepping into my Fullness

Dearest Jess,

Can I just say… WOW. I’m in absolute awe. The last few weeks have offered a number of opportunities for you step out of your integrity and you were graceful… The easy thing to do is to flex. To hit back harder than you were hit. You have such a beautiful way with words. Always knowing just what to say to touch someone’s soul. Being someone that says things that need to be heard, you remembered to exercise self-control. When it would have been very easy to share your truth, you recognised that you might have a tainted lens; you realised that the situation was exposing a part that needed some extra love. And so you shifted.

So many new energies have been in our space. Some tame and others predatory. Not always 100% sure which is butterflies and which is your intuition screaming… yes they still feel very similar, you allowed space. You put space between you and new energies to look after us. To ground. To balance. To recharge. For that, thank you.

Your world is still filled with people that prefer distractions. Clothing, alcohol, substance. Some are soulships and others are karma clearing… remember that. It’s OK to get lost in a moment but lets always come back to source.

The next few weeks are going to be beyond powerful. There is a storm brewing. Not sure what type of storm but it feels familiar in the best way. The Universe continues to speak to you. You picked up the messages today. When Ginny was giving a hard time, she just wanted to pull you into her moment and give you lots of kisses. You are loved, Jess. You are constantly surrounded by love. You have done such an amazing job of building, cultivating, and sometimes removing people that no longer qualify.

So thank you. Jess, sincerely thank you for continuing to show up for you, for us, for me.

Stay connected to self and detached to others. Self is source. There will be a series of messengers. All with lessons that you need to learn. Some will reveal themselves to help you pull down your walls, others will remind you why you have walls. Everything is perfect. You will assume that everyone has pure intentions but we know the reality. Not everyone is going to understand you and you are going to continue to want to be loved… and soon enough, you’ll realise that you are loved. Universally loved. Because you are love. You radiate love. You are surrounded by love… and I hope that your garden continues to bloom and be a visual manifestation of all the beauty that is you. You are a strong lifeforce.

Jess, you are love.

Humbly,
The Soul

 

You are not IN the storm, you ARE the storm

Domestic Violence Awareness Month approaches us once again. I feel the need to leverage this month to pivot. Shift my coaching business from general emotional abuse to a very specific group of people. High functioning people. People that know but might not understand. People that instinctively know that financial freedom is the way out but still need to do some work to stay out… people like me.

Subconsciously, I knew that I was in unhealthy situations. I stayed in it because well, ‘family is family’ or ‘all families have their problems’. It wasn’t until I left my corporate job and started my own company that I realised the true amount of pain I needed to work through. The hole in my heart. How much I depended on others for validation for my existence. Small things that ended up being big things.

So this month, I’m taking to LinkedIn. I’m going to share ‘tips & tricks’ on how I was able to navigate my story of domestic violence whilst also creating magic (crushing some pretty phenomenal goals).

Anyone interested in joining the conversation, please feel free. My LinkedIn posts will be open to the public.

To anyone going through a storm… just keep dancing. Soon you will realise that you are not IN the storm but you ARE the storm.

Life is magical… and so are you…

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #Recovery #DomesticViolence #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #EmotionalAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #MentalWellness #HealthIsWealth #BeYourOwnHero

Water. Dreams. Family. Acceptance. Rebirth. Love.

I’m hitting a new level of alignment. Perhaps I’ve been distracted in the physical world as my dreams have been extremely active. I’ve allowed some new energies into my space so I’m back to isolating. Isolating myself is necessary for me to get grounded. I can honestly say that I’m in magic mode rather than reality mode… so my decision making is not 100% productive. Whether it’s real or perceived opportunities, this space can be very dangerous if I continue to throw caution to the wind.

I’ve taken the last few weeks to disconnect. Somewhat.

An aggressive episode happened a few days ago. I was being gaslight. I was being dismissed. I was being baited… and within a single question to clarify a disharmony, a fight emerged filled with the other person repeating a series of words. It felt off and allowed me an opportunity to decide if I was going to listen to the words or my intuition. I engaged for about an hour before removing myself. I reminded myself that no response is still a response. There was nothing to defend. There was nothing to seek clarification. There as just a moment to honour truth and decide if this was something that honours my highest self. Simple. Observe but do not absorb. A beautiful moment. A number of my buttons were pushed and triggers revealed. But were they triggers or are they still triggers? How am I responding? Is it the same or have I learned the lesson?

And shifting to the alignment part. My active dreams… last night was the only one I could remember. Or the only one that I cared to commit to physical world memory. On a few levels.

The dream: I was in a building. A renovated house. Basement unit. Warehouse entry on one side and then a beautiful countryside garden on the other. The first room had a long walkway with a futon couch. A handful of my Aussie friends were hanging out. Boys den of sorts. Around the corner, was a series of rooms and a giant kitchen. Island. Ideal for food prep and a massive refrigerator. White marble countertops. Huge picture window of the garden. Walking out of the kitchen, rather than entering a garden, I’m in a pool area. There is a car on the opposite side. There is a chain around the car. I’m standing alone. I’m about 12 years old (I think). Water starts filling the room. I see my brother and a younger version of my mother. Mom grabs a rug and the three of us swim towards the car? My brother suggests that the room is going to kill us “the water won’t stop’. We break into the car by rolling down the back window. First inside is my brother, then my mother. I’m trying to figure out how to keep us safe. If I roll the window back up, will we have air in the cabin of the car? Are the windows sealed? Can the car move? Why are we in the car rather than using the rug to break the glass to just go outside? Calm and quick to act. I grab 3 water bottles. My brother climbs into the front seat. There are keys in the ignition. I’m closing the back window just as the water creeps up the side of the car. I let out a sigh of relief. We are fully submerged by water and there are no leaks. *I wake up*

I’m not sure what to think about this dream. I still miss my family. That’s for sure. Lots of my conversations have been revolving around ancestral trauma. Is it important that my mother was a child? Do I still feel the need to protect others? Am I self-sabotaging myself by putting us in a car rather than break a window to the outside world? Perhaps knowing that things were shifting as I walked into other rooms, I was simply following my intuition? At least now, we are inside a space that can move… hopefully the car can float once turned on? There is some massive alignment happening. The last few months, when my family visited me in my dreams, it’s been followed by one of them reaching out in the physical world. Perhaps my mother is doing the work? One can hope… I miss her today and I love her every day.

My biggest take away is my sense of calm throughout the dream. My only real question is if I’m dissociating or accepting. There are no feelings to feel when in a state of pure acceptance. Physical-world, I demonstrated detachment (perhaps dissolving my ego) and in my subconscious world… maintaining peace in a shifting situation is powerful. Or perhaps it’s just my subconscious telling me to find a pool and get back into my multisport training. Perhaps not everything has a deep meaning… or does it?

This re-wiring and aligning is something magical… It’s time for a vipassana retreat. Water symbolises rebirth… so maybe this is my subconscious honouring my rebirth. Family. Acceptance. Rebirth. Love.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #TraumaRecovery #Alignment #Rewiring #Dreams #EmotionalHealth #AwarenessBeforeChange #Anicha #OneDayAtATime #PowerInThePause #DomesticViolence #Recovery #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #Family #LoveDoesNotHurt

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