Empower Myself through Self Care Practices

As the decade comes to a close, I cannot help but think about all the progress I’ve made personally, professionally and spiritually. About 500 days ago, I made a promise to myself. The promise was to make Chicago home. Turn a city of pain into my new playground. Create a life filled with love. Hold people accountable for less than behaviour… in my presence. About 500 days ago, I made a promise to myself to BE MY OWN HERO.

Part of the year was dedicated to developing new self care practices. These practices are constantly expanding.

Music

Each day, I would dedicate a song to myself. Usually sharing the song on IG Stories. Sometimes the songs were symbolic of how I was feeling. Sometimes I couldn’t find words so just flowed through song. Sometimes, the songs were personal declarations to simply keep going. Song dedications helped me articulate the emotion that was stirring within…

Food

Food is love. Food is fuel. Food is an event in my world. Specifically breakfast. I have made some of the most ridiculous breakfasts. On occasion, I’ll share my feast with others but for the most part, a colourful plate was my way to say I LOVE YOU to my body. My go-to is sweet potato hash. I have this down to a science.

Silence

Being a PR professional, a writer and somewhat of a self proclaimed entertainer… silence is in fact GOLDEN. I picked up this habit during meditation retreats. Observing 10 days of noble silence is not always possible but making sure that part of my day is silent has been so enormously beneficial for my overall wellbeing. Granted, there are times where I have a full head and a sharp tongue, and it’s catching myself in those moments that I exercise self-control. I allow the emotions to fly out just as quickly as they flew in.

Fitness

Physical fitness. I took a year away from training. It’s very easy for me to self regulate through sports. It’s super easy for me to process just about any emotion/feeling through sport. Sports have a few aspects like breathing and mind-body coordination that brings me into the present moment. I’ve actually grown quite fond of swimming. Running used to be my favourite “drug” but I often find myself trying to find a pool to crank out a few laps.

Community

Having my entire trust system compromised and not really knowing who has my best interest in mind was a challenge. I know my international tribe. I know my tribe in Asia but I needed to weed out the unhealthy and cultivate the healing in Chicago. Sometimes, unhealthy people snuck under my radar but for the most part, it’s taken me about 18 months, to find my tribe. The ironic part is that I’ve only been able to identify other healing people by trusting the process. Making myself vulnerable. Sharing the pain in my heart and asking others to simply hold space for me to be. At first, there were a lot of people that dismissed my emotions. But after a while, those people disappeared and created space for others worthy of my trust and love. Learning how to ask for help and receive love has been one of my most challenging and rewarding forms of self care.

Writing

How can I forget writing?! When I cannot figure something out. When I need to feel the feels to do the things. When I’m unable to shut down my mind or observe the body. When my ego takes over and I am convinced I NEED to share my two cents. Writing has been a dear friend. Granted, some people have used my words (and my healing journey) against me but for the most part, people tell me I’ve inspired them in some way. I guess writing has been a two-fer. Good for me and good for others. Writing has allowed me to hold myself accountable… especially my series called CONVERSATIONS (focused on what happens when I implement healthy boundaries with unhealthy people).

Puppy Love

I’ve been doing a series on social media called puppy love. It’s basically me hanging out with all my puppy dog clients. Sometimes we walk. Other times we go to the park. I get the occasional leg hump. Generally speaking, I’m greeted with kisses and tail wags so intense that their puppy dog body is wagging just as fiercely as their tail. It’s so incredibly cute (and heart warming). Dogs do not judge. They simply love that you showed up. They keep me in the present moment. I’ve grown so fond of this form of self care that I created a regular hustle out of it. Within a year, I went from cleaning up after a housemate’s blue haired doberman brothers to having regular (paying) clients. Some clients are walks and others are for staycations. Life is so much better with a puppy.

I’m not sure what 2020 has in store for me. All I know is as I continue to honour myself, I witness the relationships around me improving. When I first moved to Chicago, it was difficult for me to find people able to articulate a goal or share a dream. Currently, my inner circle speaks my language. They have 3-5 and 7 year goals. They have a clear idea of what they are working towards and more importantly, they have an incredible sense of self. Their life is filled with love because they are love. My community in Chicago is finally starting to resemble my tribe in Asia… and my international family.

The journey continues…

LIVE as if EVERYTHING is MAGIC

Birthdays, holidays and essentially anything that brings joy to your world are the first areas of target for unconscious people to cause harm. For me, when someone is trying to harm me, they attempt to disrupt my birthday, holidays, food, puppies or sleep. To be fair, most things excite me so it can be a challenge to disrupt me. For the most part, I’m able to remind myself that unconscious people are just adults with the emotional capacity of a 10 year old. Seems judgemental but it’s simply an inconvenient truth. Emotionally balanced people do not try to harm others. Ever.

Acknowledging this inconvenient truth whilst not obsessing (or manifesting) can sometimes be a challenge. Sometimes I get upset about the injustice. Sometimes my ego takes over and I’m tempted to clap back. I’ve found that jumping offline and into the real world to be tremendously balancing. Making sure that I’m getting enough sleep, deep breathing and of course paying attention to cravings. My body craves certain things when it’s adjusting or dealing with certain emotions.

Everything.in.the.exact.moment.

Last week, I turned 25… with 11 years of experience. The actual day was relatively peaceful. There were a few waves but nothing unexpected. Beautiful opportunities to practice detachment. Beautiful opportunities to practice self love. Beautiful opportunities to quantify my personal growth through trauma.

Picking up a new group fitness class. Detach.

My mother called. Detach.

A dear friend on a road trip took me for dinner. Detach.

My inner circle held space for me. Detach.

A client offered me a birthday gift. Detach.

A new client requested additional services. Detach.

My housemates allowed me a front row seat to their processing. Detach.

Reflecting on the week, 2 nights of active dreams. Souls connecting in the spiritual world. Profound messages. Strong connections. Detach.

Detach and observe. Not the same as dissociate. Detach. Detach from the desire of a specific outcome. Being ok with whatever needs to happen. Accepting all truths that are shared. Not feeling any sort of way. Accepting what is. Meeting everyone where they are. Having extreme compassion and reminding myself that everyone is doing the best they can. Reminding myself to encompass my higher self (and speak to the higher self of others) as much as possible. When feeling the need to defend myself, speak softly to my heart with “I’m with you. It’s ok. We are ok. Everything is ok. Breathe.” Connecting with my Guardian Angels and simply smiling. Knowing without question that I’m surrounded by love because I am love.

Technology can be a powerful tool whilst also being a super highway for a rabbit hole of self-destruction.

Below is a video I created. A few minutes after an emotional release. A release that was needed to hold space for my higher self. A beautiful moment. Honouring where I am and how far I have come. Acknowledging that I’ve done a lot of work. A lot. There is still work to be done.

Birthday Message on LinkedIn

I’m exactly where I am supposed to be.

The journey continues…

 

Looking back: 10-year challenge

A bunch of my friends have been talking about a 10-year challenge. I was not going to participate but thought, ok, why not… this should be interesting. There is a massive difference in 10 years. Massive. 2009 vs 2019. So many things have shifted… or shall I say, so many truths have finally been revealed (and processed). Screenshot 2019-12-08 at 2.49.25 PM

About a week ago on Facebook, I shared the following 10-year challenge. By society standards, there is no rhyme or reason why I’m doing what I’m doing. By my standards, I’m leaning into my intuition. Sometimes, I trigger myself on facebook and offer an emotional purge (open processing) on facebook and sometimes, I’ll trigger myself on facebook and then share my purge (open processing) via blog. When I don’t feel like open processing, I’ll simply sit with my emotions (observe the body and master the mind… thank you, Vipassana).

Feel the feels and then do the things.

But to be honest, most of my blog writing is untriggered. Generally speaking, blog sharing is first thing in the morning. It’s catching myself in that space between sleeping and being awake. This is my sweet spot of an unconscious space. Where my heart speaks and reveals where I need to continue my work to love myself just a bit more.

Since it’s December, I’m honouring this exact moment. I’m trying not to view people as healthy or unhealthy. Predatory or non-predatory. I think that it’s much simplier than that. Some people are driven by ego and others by heart. Unfortunately, some people lack tools for productive processing. Friends used to poke fun at me for not being tolerant and now they laugh because certain behaviours are simply no longer entertained. The reality is, the more I love myself, the less I allow others to greet me with anything less than love, respect and grace. I’m on the fence with enjoying the word GRACE or DIGNITY.

When living in Singapore, my community was filled with goal crushing super achievers. People so busy working on themselves; interactions were grounded in love and support. Moving to the USA, had a learning curve. It’s taken me about a year to find similar spirited people. My community is {finally} starting to be filled with goal crushing super achievers. People so busy working on themselves; interactions are once again grounded in love and support.

As for the people not offering love and support, I’m finally in a space to acknowledge everyone processes stress differently. Whether it’s traumatic stress or chronic stress, I’ve accepted a large majority of people struggle with stress management. Experiencing so many people hurting both themselves and others is one of the main reasons WHY I developed a coaching programme specifically dedicated to teaching others how to navigate stress with an end goal of essentially minimising stress. As with all things, one must do the work before teaching it to others.

My name is Jessica Corvo. I moved to ground zero of my trauma to see what happens. I’ve been living in the same city as people that have tried to kill me. Through the healing process, I’ve launched a few hustles and continue to cultivate a community of super achievers. My main social media guilty pleasure is a series called HEALTHY BOUNDARIES where I use real experiences to teach my community about healthy boundaries whilst holding myself accountable (and my growth journey). I would not have been able to build this muscle if I was still living in Singapore. It’s only by living in a new environment where I have been able to experience another build from scratch, first hand, so I can teach (empower) others.

My journey continues. Another stress management tool developed. Another way to empower others and help them achieve their wellness goals.

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Life is so incredibly magical.

#BeYourOwnHero #Resilience #Trauma #Recovery #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #StressManagement #HealthCoach #Coach #DoTheWork

Meeting People where they are…

Upgrades are happening in so many ways. Causing me to pause and simply relish in the moment. Gosh, the last few years have been a challenge. A heart-wrenching… soul-crushing… challenge. Some days felt like I was pushing a car uphill and other times, it felt like I was being pushed off a cliff. Finding the middle ground was.not.easy.

My international family has been creeping out in mysterious ways. Reminding me of their presence. Asking if I’ve accomplished what I was intending to accomplish. Dropping links for flights back to Asia. Complimenting my work… and asking when I’m going to get back to play. My community is very funny. And supportive. And over the last few weeks, the main concept that I realised I missed the most is how I was constantly learning from people in my community. To be part of my family, it was essential to do a deep dive into something completely foreign to me. I’m a self-proclaimed professional dabbler so finding something that I haven’t experienced can sometimes be a bit of a challenge. No arrogance, just truth that I have a curious mind and a short attention span for doing things on repeat.

As all the pieces come together, I’m stable in most aspects of my world. Steady build mode. Confident with my group fitness. Finally hitting that sweet spot of a devilish grin to my class with ‘ohhh yeah, this is my FAVOURITE move’ as we do a choreographed push-up challenge or side kicks that challenge both stability AND endurance. The sweet spot where your body acknowledges it’s build time. Sweat is fat crying. All toxic things are released. Adrenaline is pumping. Endorphins make an appearance. And before I know it, the entire class is looking at me with a look of ‘I’m glad I showed up’ and a dash of ‘I’m going to crush this workout’. Corporate powerhouses applying their mental tenacity to physical fitness. Life is so good!

My coaching business took a few month breather. I pulled back on clients so I had time for a course and do a bit of a reset. The aspect of me that I get complimented on most is my energy… and so I needed to reset to see what type of coaching course I wanted to focus on for this next chapter.

Resilience. Emotional Resilience. From quarter mile sprinter to 12-hour Ironman finisher. From climbing corporate ladders to creating a purpose driven life. From being people pleaser to Be Your Own Hero. So many coaching programmes. Based on experience. Sharing what I know. Sharing what I lived. Sharing what I have brought into this world. Resilience on so many levels. Having a full heart and calm mind and a cheeky soul. Without the cheeky soul, I would not have experienced nearly as much as I have thus far. Truly blessed.

The best part… my international family knows. They knew before I knew. They never once questioned my sanity or my ability to crush this current goal, emotional resilience. Journey to Peace… Knowing that I would struggle with quantifying success. Do I feel good? Yes! Do I still miss my family? HECK YES!! Am I at peace?! I think so. Each day, I get closer. I’m still coming to terms with everything. I’m finally to a point where I know that my family loves me in their own way. Generational trauma is not easy. I started with justifying behaviour. They are who they are. I processed anger. Resentment. Fear. Betrayal. and all sorts of things… to build a foundation where I could cultivate peace. Love. Understanding. Forgiveness. First forgiveness to self for not holding space for me. For forgetting to put on my oxygen mask before helping others. It still feels strange to put myself first. It feels selfish. It feels lumpy. But each day it gets easier. NO is a complete sentence. I’m in a situation where I get to practice this… and hold space for truth. For years, I laughed whilst saying NO to others. I would say NO and take a deep breath. What was to follow was either a truth that they are living up to their potential (and my standards) or a truth that I was in Jess world and saw magic in others before they saw it in themselves… sometimes resulting in a growing pain. Both truths are OK. This is the joy of life. To meet people where they are…

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #Recovery #SelfCare #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #OneDayAtATime #JourneyToPeace

Thanksgiving Thanks

Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday. Without question. It’s been my favourite for as long as I can remember. Making stuffing the night before. Waking up early to prepare the rest of the meal. Grazing throughout the day.

During the years when I was living overseas, it was always a big question… to come home for Thanksgiving or not. My parents wanted me home for Christmas, I preferred Thanksgiving. Reflecting back, it didn’t really matter which holiday but it did.

My favourite holiday is Thanksgiving. My favourite Thanksgiving is from 2009.

Ten years ago was the last time I was able to sit at a table with my two heroes. My grandfathers. I was based in Singapore. Grandpa Corvo was going through chemo treatments. His health was declining. I circled the globe 5 times that year. Weekend trips for the ones I love most. There wasn’t anything I didn’t do or offer my family. I always showed up. Always.

Last year, was essentially the first Thanksgiving after breaking my silence about Domestic Violence. Go figure, also the first Thanksgiving without anyone from my biological family. My heart stings to acknowledge this truth. A truth that domestic violence is a lose-lose situation. You have the choice to suffer in silence with those that hurt you or you suffer in truth with knowing they don’t know how to love you in an authentic way.

I have healthy relationships all over the world. Some lasting over a decade. I’m finally in a space where I’m connecting and attracting healthy, growth mindset people. As my mind slips into a space to acknowledge the ones that have shown up; And continue to show up. I acknowledge that everyone has their story, my tribe is filled with those that have come out or still going through their dark days. My tribe loves. They love hard.

This year, I honour that as much as I miss my biological family, I’ve been embraced by others. Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday. Invitations have come with “please do not bring anything other than yourself” or “Jess, we love you. A seat will be waiting for you in case you change your mind” or “what does your day of love/self care look like”.

Two years ago, I didn’t know what was happening. Last year, my voice shook. This year, I’m mastering the art of being. Simply being. And allowing others into my space at my pace. My pace.

Food and love. Gosh, Thanksgiving is such a magical holiday. To those dealing with domestic violence or some sort of trauma… family is NOT family. Family is love, loyalty, respect. It’s always your choice. Always.

Gobble until you wobble. With people you love and who also love you.

You are worth fighting for. Never forget that. You are worth absolute magic and unquestionable love.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #Thanksgiving #Friendsgiving #SelfCare #HealthyBoundaries #OneDayAtTime

Planting Roots. Holding Space. Being Seen.

Allowing myself time to digest all the magic that took place last month. October is Domestic Violence awareness month. Throughout the month, I published a series on Linkedin to simply have a conversation. I shared my tips on how I was (and continue) to crush goals (create magic) in public whilst dealing with domestic violence behind closed doors. How do I maintain my sanity? How do I continue to love? Do I actually trust others? What are my evolving self-care practices? So much was shared throughout the month. I had survivors breaking their silence. YES! I created a space where survivors felt safe enough to share their story within my video series. How awesome is that? Honestly.

The first video was the only one where I need to set the tone and expectations for rules of engagement. I did so by embracing the sarcasm of a troll by asking about their way of coping with DV. They blocked me. I hope they have since found a place to heal. I passed my test.

MY videos (collectively) had over 20,000 views. That’s such a blessing. Very humbled that my videos literally reached to various corners of the world. As a matter of fact, I was able to launch another coaching programme a few days ago. So many people commented on my energy. Maintaining a calmness or even a lighthearted nature whilst talking about domestic violence (oftentimes sharing snippets of personal trauma) with a smile. Perhaps that’s a sign of continued growth. Acceptance. Surrender. Trust. Flow. Letting go. I’m not sure which part of the journey I’m at but so many good things cropped up and out throughout the month.

Last night, I received a (well-timed) phone call from a kindred soul. Our paths crossed when I was on a roadtrip. I was driving from Chicago to Florida and then back up the east coast. I found myself somewhere in the Carolinas. There was a hurricane approaching. Hurricane Michael. The Universe is funny, that’s the name of my biological brother. Last year I was still running… The time with my friend was special. We met at a recovery meeting. At a church. Overwhelmed with pain and feeling a wave consuming me. It was my turn to share. A flow of emotions poured out. I don’t remember what the topic was but I blurted out a flow of words: being tired of trying not to take up space. Being invisible. I was tired of being invisible. I was tired of swallowing my emotions so others felt comfortable. I was tired of having a hurting heart. I was tired of looking after others that didn’t care about me. I was over it on so many levels and didn’t know what to do. I was overwhelmed. THIS was my break the silence moment. My moment. Enough was enough. Somewhere within my sharing, this soul found me and invited me into her space: to visit a community center. We had a beautiful chat. She’s a mother putting herself together and questioning if she was a good mother. I’m a daughter putting myself together and questioning if I am a good daughter. Kindred souls that needed to see one another at that exact moment. Humbling. This is the soul that called me last night. Just over a year. A spot check. To say hello. Both further along in our respective journey. Continuing to reach out to the Universe for new ways to live. To love. To laugh. To feel safe. And the reminder… the Universal reminder to simply be. To take up space.

My friend didn’t realise that was the message (and reminder) that I needed to hear. This is the Universe at work. Last year, I was still running (or driving) away from my problems. I was avoiding them. They continued to manifest because I was refusing to learn the lesson. The lesson is still a bit foggy. I know that unhealthy people exist. I know that manipulators exist. Heck, I even accept that people try to hurt me because my optimism can be a bit much (for others). The last few months have been incredibly magical. I’ve been back in a routine of looking after my health. Food and dog walking continue to be my top two ways to love myself. Food allows me to feed my body and my soul! Dog walking allows me to rejoice in my heart space and be in the present moment. And because, well, puppy love.

Chicago is starting to feel like home. I’m still cultivating my local tribe. My national and international tribe continue to remind me of their presence. I’ve officially been in Chicago for just over a year. 460+ days since seeing my mommabear. 400+ days since setting the intention to make Chicago home. Home is where you are loved. I stopped running and in the process to plant roots.

I forgive all those that have tried to cause me harm. I know they act out ignorance and unhealed wounds. An interesting reminder to not take anything personal, especially predatory behaviour. Attacks still feel personal but deep down, I know it’s really not. To observe. To understand that resistance is ego. To simply forgive. To be grateful for the opportunities to test my loyalty to my peace. To set (and hold) healthy boundaries. No more self-betrayal. Continuing to do the work.

Ahhhh! I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. The journey continues…

#Resilience #SelfCare #Love #Ground Zero #TraumaRecovery #Family #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #OneDayAtATime #BeYourOwnHero #Equanimity #FoodIsLove

When a Whisper turns into a Roar

I LOVE LOVE LOVE when the Universe gets chatty. It’s always chatty but sometimes the internal chatter is so loud that I am unable to hear the Universe chatter. There is a clear difference between my communities in Asia vs my communities in the USA.

During the process of chasing my financial goals, it was easy to build my circle of influence. If you had money, I wanted to learn from you. If you were running a company, I wanted to learn from you. If you were jet-setting around the world, I wanted to learn from you. My circle owns private jets and islands. I learned a lot and continue to learn from this group of powerhouses.

During the process to Ironman, it was easy to build my circle of influence. If you crossed a 140.6 finish line, I wanted to learn from you. If you were a professional athlete, I wanted to learn from you. For each discipline, I was focused on learning as much as possible. I was confident in running so my focus was on cyclists and swimmers. I was heavy on swimmers as this was my weakest discipline. all sorts of athletes to learn as much as possible and adopt various practices for my personal journey. I learned a lot, especially the difference between cyclists and triathletes AND the difference between 70.3 and 140.6 athletes. I’m still learning new things about myself through this sport.

During the process of inner peace… this has been a challenge. I learned that not all addictions are clear. I learned that most people are codependent and have massive unresolved trauma they are carrying around. I learned that society is most likely poisoning the masses in order to suppress their system or prevent them from being able to heal themselves. At first, I could count the number of peaceful people I know on one hand. This saddened me but also gave me hope. Journey to inner peace is a constantly moving and breathing concept. There is no final destination, just an ongoing process to grow through and go through various situations as gracefully as possible. That said, I’ve met a LOT of self healers. I also met a LOT of people that are consistently raising their consciousness. Took me a while but I found my soul tribe. I found people that hold space for me when I struggle to hold space for myself.

Of all the communities I have built over the years, the peaceful community has been the most challenging and most rewarding. You don’t know what you don’t know so surrounding myself with people that have accomplished what I was intending to accomplish has always been the deciding factor with accomplishing my goal.

As I continue to grow and reach new heights, I’m grateful for all the quiet whispers (just keep going). I’m grateful for the exchange of energy (I felt something was off and wanted to touch base). I’m super grateful for the difficult questions (what’s your self-care practice for the day?). Over the last 2 years, my various communities have been instrumental in teaching me the importance of taking care of myself. Standing in my truth with what I need. I’ve always been able to stand in my truth for professional and physical goals but have often struggled to state my needs for emotional wellness. Being a reformed people pleaser, this space took quite the effort to shift from “how can I help you” to “how can I love myself?”

I’m in the process of another upgrade. Just in time for Sagittarius season. And after a quick google search, did you know that Sagittarians are ideal for jobs in PR and Sports Coaching. Truthseeker through and through…hahahaha. And crushing goals through and through…hahahaha.

Being a Sagittarius is a blessing. It’s a label that I’ll proudly wear. My favourite line related to sharing emotions: There isn’t really anything she hides from others, especially because she’s all about being honest with herself and the people around her. When Sagittarius wants to say something or express an emotion, she’s going to do it, whether you’re ready for it or not.

In Asia, I was bold and outspoken. Respected and loved by my peers. Everyone in my circle was focused on being their best self. Mediocracy was not tolerated. After moving to the USA, I lost my voice for a while. It’s only the last year that I’m growing in my confidence to be bold and outspoken once again. And of course, respected and loved by my peers.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #SelfCare #Coach #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #HealthyBoundaries #Family

Emotional Growth Spurts: Connected & Detached.

The Universe is clearing space for new energy. I can feel it on so many levels. I’ve been slightly distracted during the last few months. I temporarily lost clarity on a few things. It’s been very interesting to see how things are manifesting…

Professionally, I’m focused and continuing to grow. Last week, I had my first corporate group fitness class (success). This week, I secured a new 6-week dog care contract (success). A friend has planted a seed to help me gain visibility for my coaching business. AND a kindred soul and I are putting together an online course… lots of magic is being created.

On a personal level. Some people that I have allowed into my heart space are shuffling around. I know when this happens, it means that I’m on point for another growth. It’s difficult for me to accept that not everyone grows at the same rate. It’s equally as difficult for me to accept that paths are diverging. The Universe is asking me to surrender and let go. Surrender and let go.

A few difficult goodbyes.

A familiar soul that still hasn’t learned how to love herself. She’s doing well on social media but I’ve seen her life in realtime and it’s all smoke and mirrors. I did what I could to help and gave her one of my most sacred tools, a book that essentially brought me back to life. Continuing to take, take, take from me, I was forced to use my voice. She resisted my truth. I continue to keep her in my prayers that she can one day learn how to embrace different perspectives and hold space for those that have held space for her. Especially the ability to hold space for someone that has done nothing but show her love. Continuous love. It is what it is. I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on where to invest my energy (knowing when its time to say goodbye).

Another familiar soul from my early corporate years. My first call after a near death experience was to a sorority sister (to pick me up). My first confession was to this friend. Over the years, he’s not been the most respectful but I’ve allowed it. Now, 10 years later, he continued to dismiss the truth (and honour) that I offered him. Him not being willing to hold space for me was the first in a series of similar responses. At the time, I interpreted the responses as “Jess, it’s really not that big of a deal” but now, I found my voice with, “I’m disappointed to learn your truth. It’s hurful that you continue to dismiss such a pivotal part of my story. I no longer allow this type of treatment in my world. This is not love. It’s time for our paths to diverge.” I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on where to invest my energy (seeing others for who they are, not their potential).

And a current lesson worth mentioning is with people living in my house. Proximity has typically been a challenge for me. At least with my family, it’s been a challenge to stay focused (and balanced). My family used to elicit enormous emotional responses from me. Understanding which energy is mine vs theirs has not always been easy. Increased grounding. Increased self-care. Increased self-compassion. Opportunity to state my needs. My house is filled with good souls. The only catch is they are unconscious. I cannot be mad at them for doing what they do but it’s frustrating as they are adults whose counterproductive habits have been seeping into my space. Bringing me into their storm rather than them into my peace. A continuous test on resilience (perhaps also grace). None of them have respect towards me because they are still learning how to respect themselves. I know it’s not personal but it feels very personal. A beautiful opportunity to set (and hold) healthy boundaries. I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on how to reframe & refocus inward. Not in a critical ‘what am I doing wrong this time’ but in an ‘ohhhhh, and what emotion is this cropping up. this is another opportunity to break a cycle. where can I love myself a bit more.’

Growth spurts are not always fun. They are painful. They take time. From a sport perspective, growing muscles is literally the muscles ripping apart and then healing (recovery) and then ripping apart and healing (recovery). Emotionally, I’ve been in recovery mode for a short while, it’s time to be in growth mode.

The objective: remain connected to self and detached to others. Especially when they try to elicit an emotional response. It’s not a time to correct anyone, it’s a time to observe. They are allowed to view me however they need.

The journey continues…

 

Art of Receiving. Art of Reciprocity.

I’m constantly surrounded by love. I know this in the deepest part of my soul. My heart is sometimes overwhelmed with pain. My head gets distracted with trying to quantify things. But my soul knows. It always knows.

10687117_881733382402_5166556558486601293_nWhen my grandfather transitioned, I felt a part of my heart go with him. I felt very alone and scared. Grandpa was one of my protectors. I stopped sharing this fear with others. The first people I opened up to taught me to swallow my big emotions. Only share the positive ones. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Put on your big girl panties. Stop being so sensitive. It’s not a big deal. Why are you always so dramatic. I was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realise that I wasn’t surrounded by love.

Since it’s Veteran’s day… and it’s 11/11, I need to share some words. My spiritual friends are mostly talking about portals, stepping into new power. Letting go of the old. All sorts of magic. I know my grandfather is still protecting me. I know that unicorns exist. I know that I’m loved and I’m unquestionably magical. Sometimes I still question my health. A few years ago, a Psychology PhD told me that if I’m the only sane one amongst a sea of crazy, then I am in fact the crazy one. It’s a matter of context. Context is everything. I should always be mindful of my surroundings. As I reflect on that today… I cannot help but just honour a few things.

ME. This chapter of discovery has been difficult. It’s been filled with ups and downs. Plot twists. Daily opportunities to practice self-care. Daily opportunities to detach with love. Daily opportunities to find the light in the dark and the dark in the light. Daily opportunities to love my big emotions… all of them.

My soul tribe. These angels continue to show up in the most not-so-random ways. A new one reveals themselves every few days. Apparently my soul continues to reach out to people around the world. I’m blessed. I’m learning so much about myself through interactions with them. My attachment styles vary depending on who I’m dealing with and the level of trust I chose to offer. I still tend to side with animals or people that do not speak English. It’s then when I’m forced to observe. I cannot cloud my judgement with words… Yes. I’m so blessed because my soul tribe keeps showing up.

Guardian Angels. I have a fleet of angels. I know this with 100% truth. Grandpas, Aunties, Friends and all sorts… always showing up to remind me of what I’m made of: LOVE with a side of magic.

Love bugs. This doesn’t need an explanation. They are love bugs. They love. Continuing loving when it’s hard. That’s when it’s needed the most.

As I continue to heal parts of me, I’m embracing a very difficult truth. A truth that I keep reframing and struggle to let go. Logically, I know what to do. Emotionally, I still have faith. Perhaps the focus on faith is simply to trust the process? My family has dealt with generational trauma. We are not special as most families have this problem. I refuse to accept anything that is not love. And standing in this truth has come at a very steep cost. My entire family. Do I love them? Yes. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I wish that things were different? Yes. Is there anything else I can do? Nope. Well, correction. I can continue to love myself and heal myself. By healing myself, I’m healing the relationship with them. Maybe? I love everyone with a pure heart. As I honour this exact moment, I can also say that sometimes I need to love people from a distance. Today, that distance stings. Whether it’s loving my guardian angels from the clouds or loving my family from a few towns over… I know that they love me in the only way they know how. I cherish them for loving me in their own way. At the same time, I wish they knew they were capable of peace and the love they deserve.

Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. Everyone.

I’m learning how to receive love. Just as important as offering it. The art of receiving… Happy Holiday. Hug a Vet and allow them to hug you back (Grandpa Corvo is hugging me and I’m loving every minute of it). The art of reciprocity.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #DomesticViolence #GenerationalTrauma #Understanding #Forgiveness #SelfCare #Love #Family #Recovery #InvisibleWounds #Reciprocity

Whats love got to do with it?

The Universe has been super chatty lately. Or I’ve successfully quieted my internal world to hear the messages. Perhaps, I should give myself more credit go with the latter… I’m in a safe place and surrounded by love. Sometimes others are offering love and sometimes, I’m just love bombing myself. That’s my current vibe for the moment… people are not competing with one another for a spot in my world. They are competing with how I love myself… and my self-care game is starting to be on point regularly. Finally.

Looking back, I’ve gone from not having a voice to using my voice for just about every single time that I have felt slighted. Now I’m stepping into a space of knowing when to use my voice. I’m not proud of the times that I bit back but I forgive myself as it’s part of the process. I’m still re-wiring my core belief system. The pieces are finally coming together. I was getting annoyed with posts about positivity. I was getting annoyed with posts about unconditional love. And it hit me today, my issue is because love was weaponised. Toxic people have used my love, or the love of others, to cause me harm.

Weaponising love is unacceptable.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that I was no longer allowed to openly process with him. I appreciate the boundary being set, the truth shared and can shift my energy towards people that love ALL parts of me. I openly process just about everything. My tribe. My family. My people know when to let me blabber on (most of the time I’m not even looking for a spitfire session or feedback, I just need to voice the tug of war within). To be honest, I enjoy open processing because when I’m talking about the difficult stuff, the simple look on someone’s face tells me everything I need to know. Generally speaking, I’ve dissociated so I am not aware of the extent of hard stuff. I’m mostly in autopilot. It’s not good or bad. I am unable to digest the depth because it’s just another thing to work through. If that makes sense. Even today, I laugh at myself for being able to talk about extremely hard things with a smile on my face. Part is because I’m grateful that I’m here to talk about it and part because when you dissociate, you don’t really understand the depth of pain. Like my father threatening me with a loaded gun. Externally, people will say OMG. Internally, I’m saying, ‘well, he didn’t pull the trigger’ and deep down, it’s too much for me to comprehend that my father is hurting so much that he felt it was acceptable to do such a thing. Blinded by his own pain.

I’m a reformed people pleaser (and reformed enabler). It’s not ok that he’s hurting but that’s for him to sort out. My responsibility is my recovery. I continue to work through my pain. It’s a process.

I digress.

When love is weaponised. My momma bear has been visiting me the last few nights in my dreams. It’s been taking me every ounce of my being to not pick up the phone. A mentor even suggested that I pick up the phone just to say, “Hello. I miss you and wanted to make sure you are ok?” As much as I would love to claim the strength for that, I’m not at that point (yet). I’m ok with talking to the clouds. I’m also ok with throwing energy into a crystal (thanks for the suggestion). I’m ok with lighting a white candle each night and wishing for her peace of mind and to feel the love of the Universe. She’s still in my daily prayers. What I’m not at peace with is having a conversation about the weather. Or when asked “How are you?” only responding with “I’m good. and you?” I want to share everything. The people I’ve befriended, my house, my kitchen garden, my various hustles. She’s my person and I’m used to sharing everything with her. But I can’t. Her boundary is “do not share anything with me unless you are OK with it being shared with your brother and father.” Reminder: my father tried to kill me. So, yeah…

Does my heart hurt, yeah. My love is pure and so the last 448 days or so has been rough. In the last few years, I’ve been working though quite a bit. Earth angels keep telling me that the more I heal myself, the more healing will take place with others within my family. I’m not sure I understand but it’s worth a shot. Now I have even more motivation to continue my inner work.

My father and brother double teamed my mommabear and weaponised her love. They are masters of creating lose-lose situations. Sometimes I resent my awareness to see this clear as day. Sometimes I’m angry that she allows it. Sometimes I’m hurt by the truth that she prioritises the game playing over protecting me. Most days, my heart hurts as I feel the need to protect her before protecting myself. But each day, I’m offered a decision. And I decide to love. Always choose love. Choosing to love myself is not always easy. It’s a daily practice. I still have inner work to do.

I do not agree with people that have caused me harm. I understand. I do not agree with people that hurt other people. I understand. I do not agree with weaponising love. I understand.

I’m a reformed people pleaser. Love has been weaponised. I’m so incredibly blessed for the magic makers that are helping me redefine love AND those helping me feel loved on a whole new level.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Recovery #SelfCare #DomesticViolence #InvisibleWounds #EmotionalAbuse #Family #OneDayAtATime

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