Surfing a wave of manchildren

Rewiring after narcissistic abuse takes time. It takes a LOT of self care. It can be exhausting to figure out who to trust and then realise that it’s not about trusting others as much as trusting yourself. It’s about consistently needing to qualify your intuition as you really cannot tell the difference between butterflies and danger. It still feels the same.

Sometimes it gets overwhelming with questioning humanity. Most days it honestly seems like everyone is a predator. And just when my walls start to come down, some manchild reminds me WHY I have walls to begin with. It’s a process. A massive process.

My saving grace has been the ability to call out what I classify as poor behaviour and continue to stand in my truth, at all costs. All.costs. Narcissists back down (whilst usually throwing out insults). Psychopaths challenge (it’s a game to them). Healthy people ask how to adjust and support by actually adjusting. It’s super simple. Life is super simple.

It took me the better part of a year to successfully implement & maintain healthy boundaries with family. I’m pretty good with implementing in other aspects of my world. Sometimes I still sidestep. Sometimes I trust the wrong people. Being gentle with myself, I honour myself for giving others the opportunity to share their truth. Again, it’s a process. I don’t live with regrets because any side step is just my ego winning in the tug of war between head and heart. My heart wants to believe that people are healthy, my mind knows most are not. I’m in a season of PROVE IT… perhaps even to myself.

My current flow of manchildren are in the medical field. You’d think that doctors, nurses and the like would be more mindful but the reality is this wave is filled with mindFULL people. hahaha. Manchildren looking for a toy. I am the perfect target on a few levels. Physically, I look good on someone’s arm and manchildren love to have things that make them look good. Emotionally, I’m still working through a season of trauma and do not trust myself when it comes to romantic endeavours. Manchildren love to prey on people going through a healing journey as healing people oftentimes forget what they deserve and are grateful for crumbs of affection. It’s super easy to manipulate people that are healing. Mentally, I’m fairly switched on so it becomes a challenge of can I spot the dysfunction before they decieve me. Or in other words, a game of cat & mouse. Manchildren love thinking they are more clever than those they prey on.

On one level, it’s comical. On another level it’s disheartening. Not for me but for them. Manchildren are so broken that rather than fix themselves, they need to prey on others. And to top things off, they have access to all the best medical practices known to man (western world context) and still go out and play. I think it’s a sad world they live in. From trying to send messages before a shower, blabbering about dick machines to curb errectile dysfunction all the way to 10pm text messages asking for my address and a cuddle session because well, cuffing season is about to start?! Traditionally, objectification has been a soft point in my world. To be fair, knowing this is the current wave in my world speaks more to my wellness than anything else. Why is my focus on them?

In addition to these manchildren, I also have decent men sprinkled in my life. Men that don’t turn things sexual. Ever. There are no ‘jokes’ about what I taste like or crude gestures. They don’t answer a video chat by exposing their penis. And most importantly, they don’t plant seeds that have no business being in my garden. So who are these decent men… let me expand…

Decent men in my world. They are sharing links to support one of my many goals. They are commenting and resharing my content (I launched a coaching business and most of my business is referral based so engagement and resharing is always appreciated). They call me to say hello. Not to meet up but just to check in. They make me laugh at little things and celebrate my quirks… a recent conversation asked about Oscar (a house mouse that I named during a recent journey to catch and relocate a furry friend). Decent men offer to pick me up at a nearby location rather than my house (they acknowledge that I take time to trust). Sometimes the decent men even remember to bring me a slice of my favourite fruit. I love decent men. They exist. My life is in abundance. My life has duality. My life has more decent than manchildren… sometimes it’s easier to fight the injustice than it is to honour the peace. And recognizing the need to ‘fight the injustice’ is revealing one of my triggers… I need to remind myself that karma will serve these manchildren exactly what they deserve.

I am seen. I am loved. When I’m focused on the manchildren, I’m subconsciously working through my engrained trauma bond. I’ve been conditioned to accept this merry-go-round behaviour. And each time that I even allow it into my space… it’s me struggling to break the cycle. It’s me doing the work. Awareness before change.

I’m in a season of healing. Anyone that tries to compromise that is a manchild. I wish they would focus on their own healing rather than step in my lane… I cannot control them. I can only control me. Each person is brought into my world teaches me where to love myself just a bit more. And for that, I can appreciate the manchildren whilst maintaining healthy boundaries. And when it comes down to it, sometimes burning a bridge is simply so crazy cannot follow me.

Manchildren are not welcomed into my world, ever.

#Love #Resilience #HealthyBoundaries #OneDayAtATime #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #DomesticViolence #Trauma #Recovery #SelfCare #Cuffing #BreakingToxicCycles

With love, Stepping into my Fullness

Dearest Jess,

Can I just say… WOW. I’m in absolute awe. The last few weeks have offered a number of opportunities for you step out of your integrity and you were graceful… The easy thing to do is to flex. To hit back harder than you were hit. You have such a beautiful way with words. Always knowing just what to say to touch someone’s soul. Being someone that says things that need to be heard, you remembered to exercise self-control. When it would have been very easy to share your truth, you recognised that you might have a tainted lens; you realised that the situation was exposing a part that needed some extra love. And so you shifted.

So many new energies have been in our space. Some tame and others predatory. Not always 100% sure which is butterflies and which is your intuition screaming… yes they still feel very similar, you allowed space. You put space between you and new energies to look after us. To ground. To balance. To recharge. For that, thank you.

Your world is still filled with people that prefer distractions. Clothing, alcohol, substance. Some are soulships and others are karma clearing… remember that. It’s OK to get lost in a moment but lets always come back to source.

The next few weeks are going to be beyond powerful. There is a storm brewing. Not sure what type of storm but it feels familiar in the best way. The Universe continues to speak to you. You picked up the messages today. When Ginny was giving a hard time, she just wanted to pull you into her moment and give you lots of kisses. You are loved, Jess. You are constantly surrounded by love. You have done such an amazing job of building, cultivating, and sometimes removing people that no longer qualify.

So thank you. Jess, sincerely thank you for continuing to show up for you, for us, for me.

Stay connected to self and detached to others. Self is source. There will be a series of messengers. All with lessons that you need to learn. Some will reveal themselves to help you pull down your walls, others will remind you why you have walls. Everything is perfect. You will assume that everyone has pure intentions but we know the reality. Not everyone is going to understand you and you are going to continue to want to be loved… and soon enough, you’ll realise that you are loved. Universally loved. Because you are love. You radiate love. You are surrounded by love… and I hope that your garden continues to bloom and be a visual manifestation of all the beauty that is you. You are a strong lifeforce.

Jess, you are love.

Humbly,
The Soul

 

You are not IN the storm, you ARE the storm

Domestic Violence Awareness Month approaches us once again. I feel the need to leverage this month to pivot. Shift my coaching business from general emotional abuse to a very specific group of people. High functioning people. People that know but might not understand. People that instinctively know that financial freedom is the way out but still need to do some work to stay out… people like me.

Subconsciously, I knew that I was in unhealthy situations. I stayed in it because well, ‘family is family’ or ‘all families have their problems’. It wasn’t until I left my corporate job and started my own company that I realised the true amount of pain I needed to work through. The hole in my heart. How much I depended on others for validation for my existence. Small things that ended up being big things.

So this month, I’m taking to LinkedIn. I’m going to share ‘tips & tricks’ on how I was able to navigate my story of domestic violence whilst also creating magic (crushing some pretty phenomenal goals).

Anyone interested in joining the conversation, please feel free. My LinkedIn posts will be open to the public.

To anyone going through a storm… just keep dancing. Soon you will realise that you are not IN the storm but you ARE the storm.

Life is magical… and so are you…

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #Recovery #DomesticViolence #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #EmotionalAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #MentalWellness #HealthIsWealth #BeYourOwnHero

Water. Dreams. Family. Acceptance. Rebirth. Love.

I’m hitting a new level of alignment. Perhaps I’ve been distracted in the physical world as my dreams have been extremely active. I’ve allowed some new energies into my space so I’m back to isolating. Isolating myself is necessary for me to get grounded. I can honestly say that I’m in magic mode rather than reality mode… so my decision making is not 100% productive. Whether it’s real or perceived opportunities, this space can be very dangerous if I continue to throw caution to the wind.

I’ve taken the last few weeks to disconnect. Somewhat.

An aggressive episode happened a few days ago. I was being gaslight. I was being dismissed. I was being baited… and within a single question to clarify a disharmony, a fight emerged filled with the other person repeating a series of words. It felt off and allowed me an opportunity to decide if I was going to listen to the words or my intuition. I engaged for about an hour before removing myself. I reminded myself that no response is still a response. There was nothing to defend. There was nothing to seek clarification. There as just a moment to honour truth and decide if this was something that honours my highest self. Simple. Observe but do not absorb. A beautiful moment. A number of my buttons were pushed and triggers revealed. But were they triggers or are they still triggers? How am I responding? Is it the same or have I learned the lesson?

And shifting to the alignment part. My active dreams… last night was the only one I could remember. Or the only one that I cared to commit to physical world memory. On a few levels.

The dream: I was in a building. A renovated house. Basement unit. Warehouse entry on one side and then a beautiful countryside garden on the other. The first room had a long walkway with a futon couch. A handful of my Aussie friends were hanging out. Boys den of sorts. Around the corner, was a series of rooms and a giant kitchen. Island. Ideal for food prep and a massive refrigerator. White marble countertops. Huge picture window of the garden. Walking out of the kitchen, rather than entering a garden, I’m in a pool area. There is a car on the opposite side. There is a chain around the car. I’m standing alone. I’m about 12 years old (I think). Water starts filling the room. I see my brother and a younger version of my mother. Mom grabs a rug and the three of us swim towards the car? My brother suggests that the room is going to kill us “the water won’t stop’. We break into the car by rolling down the back window. First inside is my brother, then my mother. I’m trying to figure out how to keep us safe. If I roll the window back up, will we have air in the cabin of the car? Are the windows sealed? Can the car move? Why are we in the car rather than using the rug to break the glass to just go outside? Calm and quick to act. I grab 3 water bottles. My brother climbs into the front seat. There are keys in the ignition. I’m closing the back window just as the water creeps up the side of the car. I let out a sigh of relief. We are fully submerged by water and there are no leaks. *I wake up*

I’m not sure what to think about this dream. I still miss my family. That’s for sure. Lots of my conversations have been revolving around ancestral trauma. Is it important that my mother was a child? Do I still feel the need to protect others? Am I self-sabotaging myself by putting us in a car rather than break a window to the outside world? Perhaps knowing that things were shifting as I walked into other rooms, I was simply following my intuition? At least now, we are inside a space that can move… hopefully the car can float once turned on? There is some massive alignment happening. The last few months, when my family visited me in my dreams, it’s been followed by one of them reaching out in the physical world. Perhaps my mother is doing the work? One can hope… I miss her today and I love her every day.

My biggest take away is my sense of calm throughout the dream. My only real question is if I’m dissociating or accepting. There are no feelings to feel when in a state of pure acceptance. Physical-world, I demonstrated detachment (perhaps dissolving my ego) and in my subconscious world… maintaining peace in a shifting situation is powerful. Or perhaps it’s just my subconscious telling me to find a pool and get back into my multisport training. Perhaps not everything has a deep meaning… or does it?

This re-wiring and aligning is something magical… It’s time for a vipassana retreat. Water symbolises rebirth… so maybe this is my subconscious honouring my rebirth. Family. Acceptance. Rebirth. Love.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #TraumaRecovery #Alignment #Rewiring #Dreams #EmotionalHealth #AwarenessBeforeChange #Anicha #OneDayAtATime #PowerInThePause #DomesticViolence #Recovery #DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth #Family #LoveDoesNotHurt

Experience. Strength. Hope. (Hope for what?)

Experience. Strength. Hope.

This week, I’m embracing the emotional rollercoaster. I’m not even thinking about the hangover (yet). At this exact moment, I’ve been having a tug of war with myself. Allow the emotions to run or stuff them into my safe place. I’m surrounded by survivors. fighters. well wishers. pure hearts. I can see the pain in their eyes observing me as I struggle to decide if I’m going to allow the tears to escape. My poker face is a bit rusty. I’ve never actually had a poker face. My eyes give me away every.single.time.

Right now, I’m hitting another wave. A wave of mourning a family that doesn’t exist. One of the shares in support group tipped my scale and just threw me into the deep end. Haha! It’s not the single sharing, it was the series of shares. We were talking about step one. And how sometimes you play multiple roles. The scapegoat, the rebel, the ‘fixer’, the truth teller… and then the one that just is.

All of the shares tugged on my heart. The one that tipped my scale made me think about how I’ve tried everything I could to mend things with my family. Even during the most turbulent of times, we always said I LOVE YOU. And I’m sitting here, with tears in my eyes and my heart just hurts. To accept that the peace that I have to make with myself is that the ONLY thing that I’ve ever asked of my family is to not share details of my life with people that have tried to kill me. I think that is 100% acceptable and reasonable. Unfortunately, my family thinks otherwise. And coming to terms with that, making peace with that… my heart is experiencing another wave of grief.

The entire week has been phenomenal. Filled with quiet moments. Loud moments. Moments of absolute chaos and the ability to dance through the storm. Cancelling plans to prioritise self care has been a big win. Using my voice when others were causing harm was another big win. Completing my first week of classes at the gym is a MASSIVE win. Perhaps I’m just being “soft” because this is my emotional hangover. Sitting in that room when I was absolutely physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted is where I’m at today. Being in a super alert mode for about a week has finally come to a head. I know that I’ve been sleeping a lot more than usual. I accepted that as being the ‘balance’ to my new schedule. But today, it’s coming together…

I was encouraged to accept the truth, my truth, that things are the way they are and there is a very good chance that nothing is going to change. Not a single thing. Some days I’m ok with it because I secretly have hope that I’m wrong. My life is lived by the idea of hope. Hope that tomorrow the sun will rise. Hope that people in my family will call me. Hope that all the stuff I’ve been processing (domestic violence et al) is just a terrible dream. Hope that I’m having an out of body, watching my body, but really in a nightmare because father’s don’t threaten to kill their daughter.

My hope that fathers love their daughter.

My hope that mothers love their daughter.

My hope that brothers protect their sister.

My hope that all of that doesn’t make sense because I love me and I protect me. The experience. The strength. The hope.

I’m stuck in the stage of the hope and I don’t like the dark truth. A truth that no matter how much I hope, what is in my heart will never ever happen.

I’m holding space for my heart to hurt. The tears to fall. My soul to realign with all parts of me. I breathe and sit in this space for a few moments.

My hope is that during these moments, I start to congratulate myself for showing up for me. I cannot make my family love me. I cannot make my family protect me. I can control how I view myself and despite everything, I know that my heart is enormous. My heart is pure. My heart hurts (at this exact moment) but my hope is that tomorrow it will hurt less. And the day after that even less…

My journey continues…

#OneDayAtATime #DomesticViolence #Recovery #Trauma #Family #Grief #Heartbreak

✨🔥 DOUBLE YOUR ENERGY BREAKTHROUGH SESSION 🔥✨

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Now offering: DOUBLE YOUR ENERGY BREAKTHROUGH SESSION!

One of the most frequent compliments I receive from others is on my energy. It’s ridiculous.

I used to spend a great deal of time externally focused on managing my energy. (Unregulated energy allowed me to change the temperature of a room… NOT RECOMMENDED). I realised I was allowing others to control me. I was easily affected by external influences. I was sloppy and easily gave up my power to others. I was easy to poke, prod, bait, and manipulate. I lacked self-awareness and allowed myself to be pulled into the storm of others. I played their game and I lost. For YEARS, I had more ‘bad’ days than ‘good’ ones. I was on an emotional rollercoaster. It was NOT fun. It was NOT productive. It was NOT healthy.

Fast forward, my energy management has been about being TRUTHFUL about my habits. Being INTENTIONAL with everything from nutrition, people, books and social activities. And most importantly, being FLEXIBLE with how I define self care.

Let today be day 1 of your wellness journey!!!

What to expect during our DOUBLE YOUR ENERGY BREAKTHROUGH SESSION!

🙋‍♀️ I will ask a lot of questions

🙋‍♀️ we will uncover what’s been stopping you, slowing you down or preventing you from having the energy you want

🙋‍♀️ we will develop a powerful vision for what doubling your energy will mean to you and your life

🙋‍♀️ we will discover which foods and lifestyle habits are sapping your energy… and what to do about it

🙋‍♀️ we will get crystal clear on a step-by-step plan to double your energy in 90 days or less

Are you ready to take your health to the next level? I look forward to speaking with you!

#LevelUp #HealthCoach #GoalCrusher #PFM #SelfDevelopment #SelfCare

Slay the Dragon. Smell the Flowers.

My life is all about setting and crushing goals. And then every once in a while sharing that journey with the world.

🌱 Climbing international corporate ladders was a 6 year process.

🌱 Owning my own company was a 2 year process.

🌱 Ironman finish line was 1 year process.

🌱 Domestic violence (recovery)… I’m officially quantifying it as a 2 year process.

Tomorrow is my big ‘race day’ or when I get to ‘cross my finish line’. Tomorrow is my big test of observing my emotional mind but allowing my rational mind to take the lead. Tomorrow is the big test of using any and all emotions as fuel for my class, not to disassociate will be important. Tomorrow is the moment I have been building towards.

My name is Jessica Marie Corvo. Chicago is ground zero for my story of domestic violence. Chicago was a place of extreme pain, isolation and suffering in silence. Chicago used to cause great disharmony within. Tomorrow is the day I officially reframe how I view CHICAGO. Chicago is now a place that I call home, a place where I’ve worked extremely hard to find (build) a community of *empowered* love bugs. Chicago is the city where I launch my group fitness career. And tomorrow is day 1 of celebrating all the work that I’ve done.

I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’ve slayed my demons. I’ve loved myself so hard. I allowed conflict for growth and I tried so hard to choose me every.single.time.

I know I’m in a healthy space because last night, someone tried to threaten me. They attempted to pull me into their storm. They were the perfect test for me to build confidence for tomorrow. Baby vampires can be useful. I could see clearly what was happening. My hope is to have the same grounded response to unhealthy people tomorrow. In the event my family shows up, my hope is my heart will embrace them and allow them into my class. They are still in my heart. They are not allowed in my world but at least I will be at peace to allow them into my class. Unaffected.

Here’s to fighting battles people do not understand and crossing yet another finish line.

I’m so ready for race day. Cough cough, my first class!

With a heart filled with love. So.much.freaking.love. ❤️

#Resilience #Recovery #Trauma #DomesticViolence #Chicago #Family #GroupFitness #GoalCrusher #CreateMagic #JourneyToPeace

Where can I love myself just a bit more?

“Jess, you can push me away but I’m not going anywhere…”

I’m bumbling through a side step. I’m doing the best I can. A few old habits are dying hard. And it’s the first time that I’m being called out, consistently… others are noticing that despite my efforts, my walls are coming up. My tolerance for nonsense is non-existent. Such a beautiful moment to pause.

Why are my walls coming up?

I was hired to be a group fitness instructor for a gym in Chicago. Not just any gym but a fancy pants gym on Michigan Avenue. I’m not low key about being super duper excited about this achievement! I’m superrrrrr excited! That said, our doors are about to open and my class schedule is posted. Rightfully so, my class schedule has been posted on my LinkedIn and Facebook for a few weeks. Come to think of it, my schedule is also posted on my Zumba website. The plot twist is that this is the FIRST time that I’m announcing that I’m going to be at a specific place at a specific time… and actually be there.

Domestic Violence. Recovery after domestic violence comes in waves. Everything seems overwhelming. Changing houses seems to be easier than admitting that anxiety is taking over. It’s humbling when the bank requires a physical address rather than a PO box. So many reminders that despite my greatest efforts, I’m not in a normal position. I’m in the midst of a build. My housing is stable. My side hustles are stable. I’m doing another certification programme. And now, I’m about to test my healing journey. Have I done the inner work? In the event that my family shows up, am I in a place to embrace them with love? Have I completely lost the plot by thinking that they would even pop over? Can I tell when my rational mind switches over to my emotional mind? Disassociation; is it still a superpower? What about the pain… is it in my head? Heart? Soul? Am I still focused on them or me? Jess, how are you feeling at this exact moment?

I’m nervous. I’m scared. I’m absolutely and unquestionably terrified… My family has not made any efforts to see me, speak to me or check on me. The last time my father even so much as referenced me; was calling me a slut after he read my blog post about being raped. The last time I spoke on the phone with my mom; was after her son tried convincing her that she needed to have my apple password. The time before that, was shortly after she had open-heart surgery… My brother? HAHAHA! The last words shared with him was something along the lines of “I wish you would find a new hobby. Being obsessed with your sister is unhealthy.” (my attempt to call him out for triangulating and creating trouble). There is a good chance that they are reading my blog or have read my blog. There is a good chance that my mother is still poisoned into thinking that my life is better without her (it’s not but she also believes that family is family at all costs).

Do I think they will show up at the gym? I’m not sure. Do I think someone will start trouble? Perhaps. But truly… what is in my heart? and more importantly, does any of it matter?

Digging… I’m in the midst of crushing another series of goals. I’m taking care of my wellness and protecting my heart. I’m making a series of productive decisions and finally in a space that I’m quite proud of. I have people all over the world to share my joy and the one person that I want to call is my mommabear. I would love to call her and share how my first week has been. I would love to invite her to my class. I would even love to introduce her to my team/colleagues.

Nervous? I can no longer call her. Am I going to reach for myself?

Scared? How is my heart going to feel at the moment of pure joy? When I’m bubbling out with laughter and my soul is smiling. Am I going to reach for myself?

Terrified? Perhaps I’ll feel nothing. I’ve been doing so much inner work and yes, I think of my family from time to time. I wish them health and peace. I do miss them but I do not miss how they treated me. I’m scared that I’m actually at peace with this and letting go makes me a bad daughter/sister/human being. Rather than acknowledge that I have done everything in my power (plus some), I’ll be harsh with myself in creating something additional I could have done.

Have I officially broken this cycle? Am I still seeking their approval? Do I know the cost of sharing my joy? IF I make the call, how would I gracefully disengage?

This week is going to be super powerful. I make no mistake in embracing the full weight of everything. I’ve been preparing for months. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. Now I get to see if my heart is on the same page… where is my head? Am I in alignment… where does it still hurt? Where can I love myself just a bit more…?

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #DomesticViolence #Recovery #Family #HealthyBoundaries #SelfCare

 

 

Tuesday nights are sacred

TUESDAY NIGHTS ARE SACRED. It’s the ONE time of the week that I can be 100% unapologetic about feeling broken. I can admit when I gave up my power to a predator, willingly dove into a rabbit hole of nonsense, or chose ego over compassion.
I do NOT handle boundary-crossing very kindly. So many boundaries have been set and a handful have been ignored. In the last 2 months, I’ve been in a position of less than normal strength. Most of the people in my world have been kind. I’m eternally grateful for these people that tip the scales. There are also a handful of troublemakers that would rather jump into my lane than focus on healing themselves. The double-edged sword is hitting my triggers. Triggers are an area that I’m actively healing. When I say STOP and it’s not honoured, my inner beast comes out and I seek to destroy. It’s not a friendly beast. It’s focused, fierce, and unforgiving. It scares the crap out of me. I understand but I do not like myself when this side of me is exposed.
The last time this side of me was exposed, it took over 13 years to tip my scale. Including trying to kill me on two occasions. Tipping my scale wasn’t even after an act of aggression towards me. It was after an act of aggression towards my mother. I was defending her. I set clear intentions that if the behaviour was going to continue, this is my course of action (xxx). NEVER GET ANGRY, GIVE CONSEQUENCES. The art of setting boundaries. Never ending work. The only thing I can control is how I wish to engage and how I allow things to affect me. Nothing more. Nothing less. Healthy boundaries. Let go. Healthy boundaries. Let go. Healthy Boundaries. Let go…
***
I need to reframe my intolerant side as being a beast. I need to embrace and acknowledge that I’m a professional at channelling certain emotions. I’m getting really good with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with grossly unhealthy people. Despite focusing on creating magic and doing things from a place of love, it was shocking on how quickly my mind, body, and soul was able to snap back into dissociate and destroy mode. Awareness before change. Why do I continue to surround myself with unhealthy people? Why do I entertain unhealthy exchanges?
***
Tuesday nights are sacred. It’s my night to check myself. It’s my night to take inventory. It’s my night to speak my truth and know that others are holding space and gently guiding me towards building a healthy community. Tuesday nights are my favourite night of the week. And soon enough, Tuesday nights are going to be the gold standard of who is allowed to stay in my world.
Each day, I grow. I expand. I share my magic with the world. I allow others to share their magic with me. Each day, the smile in my soul comes out just a bit. A grounded smile. A smile that is seen in my eyes, not my lips. A smile that indicates that I’m at peace.
I continue to take pictures of myself. Most of the pictures never make it to social media. It’s part of the process. The healing process. To check myself. To check my smile. Is this a forced smile? (when stressed, my smile is huge) A sarcastic smile? (I know you are up to something I just cannot figure out what) A peaceful smile? (I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be) Typically my peaceful smile is when my soul knows I’m safe… and since being back to Chicago, that’s only been on Tuesday nights. (and the last two weeks…) The last two weeks; I’ve been in a place where I’ve been honoured, celebrated and loved. I’ll share more about the last two weeks… for now, I’m still allowing my heart to adjust to being surrounded by love.
Tuesday nights are so incredibly important for my world. Tuesday nights are sacred. My journey continues…
#SelfCare #Trauma #Recovery #Resilience #DomesticViolence #OneDayAtATime #BeYourOwnHero

When numbers represent home: Unit 3070.

Last August, my person (my mommabear) went in for a routine check-up. They asked her to stay for extra tests. The next day, they had quintuple bypass surgery. Since my mommabear refused to create a living will, POA, or any of that stuff, I was going to be forced to deal with a very troubled soul. Her son was digging through her phone/emails when she was unconscious and also put a password on the hospital so I was unable to get updates from a nurse about OUR mother. #FamilyIsFamily #MyFamilyIsABUSIVE

I struggled to come to terms with everything and opted to call a moving company, have ALL my things chucked into storage, and hit the road. I went on a month-long road trip. Upon returning to Chicago, I threw my stuff into storage. Over the months, I’ve resented going to my storage unit. It’s embarrassing, humiliating, humbling, heartbreaking… and represented that I continue to love a family that causes me harm. Not a proud moment but it is what it is. Within a year, I still had a number of side steps, obsessing about whether they were healthy, felt loved, and sending good vibes through the spiritual world. Always keeping them in my discussions to the clouds.

Today was the last time that I had to visit my storage unit. Over the course of a year, I’ve joked about having a HUGE walk-in closet. When others stop by their parent’s for something, I accept that I no longer have that, I only have a storage unit. It stung. Each visit was easier than the previous but it stung. The storage unit was my reminder that I failed. I gave up trying. And today, I laugh, because there is a heart on the ground, each time I entered the building, just before getting into the elevator, there was a heart. It reminded me to love myself. or Universal Love. I’m plowing through my boxes to realise that I was definitely in an emotional state when packing. I have the essentials but there are a LOT of things I’ve lost along the way…

My heart still stings. My mommabear was my person. And a year ago, I literally ran away from home. My heart was broken. My things were in storage and I did what I needed to do to protect myself from abusive family members. The last time, I was in this state was in 2009, when Grandpa Corvo died. He was the person that kept everyone in line. If you were right, you were right. If you were wrong, you’d get put in your place. Grandpa was my protector. My mommabear was my protector to a certain extent as well. And all hell was about to break loose when she was unconscious so I walked away. I do not have regrets because it was EXACTLY what I needed at that moment.

Today, I close this chapter. The heaviness of a storage unit. The evolution of a home. How I define family. The resilience of my heart.

My life in stats for the last year

Roadtrips: 4
Houses: 7
Global Goodwill Ambassador recognition: 2
[paid] Hustles: 5
Community: 13k people
Words (related to DV recovery): 2.78mn
Public Speaking gigs: 15
Self-Care: 365 days
Licenses (group fitness): 4

I lost the only thing that mattered to me, my mommabear. My heart still hurts like something awful. But each day, I show up for myself. I hold space for myself. I love. When the world would understand me being harsh, I choose love.

Here’s to another chapter. I’m so grateful for the friends that have shown up. Without them, I would have probably disappeared to some random tropical island by now! (I’m NOT complaining).

#Resilience #SelfCare #Recovery #DomesticViolence #BeYourOwnHero #OneDayAtATime #Family

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