*I’ve been writing whilst off-grid. Amature move is putting the words in an email rather than a word document. Autosave apparently didn’t work. It’s a shame as I had some pretty good flows. Keeping tabs on my emotional processing as I move through this road trip has been a priority. The Universe obviously wants to remind me about attachment hahaha… anyways…*
Chicago is ground zero. Things started to feel forced for a hot minute. I looked inward to figure out what I was doing wrong only to realise that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Lots of energy management (is this me or someone else)? Filter my thoughts (17 seconds Jess, 17 seconds). Breathe (belly breathe). Is this my reality or my perception of reality? (MY reality is Pretty.Freaking.Magical but this struggle was for real…).
It was time to recalibrate.
Today, I celebrate (and honour) that I’m surrounded by love because I AM LOVE. I have a handful of friends that have become family. Each time that I untangle from someone that does not align with where I’m headed, I’m rewarded with a kindred spirit. A person to reinforce that I’m on the right path. People that teach me it’s OK to trust the Universe. A reminder to trust myself. A reminder to trust others (perhaps I should be more cautious but it’s OK to have faith in humanity). People are absolutely MAGICAL.
This is a picture of me leaning into my higher power. I’m in a space where people are reinforcing my self-care practices. I’m offered subtle reminders that I’m worthy of the same magic that I share with others. People are not just honouring my existence but celebrating my presence.
My soul feels at peace. My heart is completely full.
The last few days, my world has been filled with magic; Book recommendations. Gratitude from different parts of the world. An invitation to a Zumba event. Videos. Referrals for pet care. Compliments on my ability to light up a room. Watching the world turn. Talking about probiotics and the difference between preventative vs restorative health. First experiences, seeing a horseshoe crab. Moonwalk on the beach. Creating new bucket list items. A cooler filled with home-cooked food. Last-minute scheduling accommodations with some of my FAVOURITE people in.the.entire.world.
I’ve been putting out so much love and the Universe is saying ATTA GIRL. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be…
People ask me about what it means to be in a flow state. To be fully present. I’m not always sure how to get into this state of being. Generally speaking, my mind is all over the place (it’s difficult for me to shut down). One thing that I’ve realised is the importance of my surroundings. Being in flow state is MUCH easier when the company I keep believes in my magic! How do I figure this out? I take pictures. LOTS of pictures. There are moments where I feel chaotic but I’m fully present. There are moments when I’m second-guessing my ability to be an adult but I’m crushing it. And then there are moments where I’m just saying F*ck it and allowing someone to pull me into their world. After disassociating myself from my heavy emotions for so long, reconnecting with self at a deep level feels awkward and very chaotic. So taking pictures (documenting various stages) helps me move through my emotions in a productive way…
I have 3 favourite places in the world. These places are my solo places to retreat. To celebrate. To reconnect. To recalibrate my system. To define a new baseline for what I desire to be normal. One place is in Asia. Another place is in Europe. The last is in the USA. Each time that I visit one of these places, my walls are down and I’m able to be fully present. My goal has been to reach this state of being whilst in Chicago. Chicago is ground zero for my trauma. Chicago is where my biological family lives. Chicago is where I need to do the most work. My goal is to be in flow at ground zero. Does achieving this mean that I’m happy? Not really… It means that I’ve finally found peace with loving a family that defines love very differently from me. It’s the ultimate space of understanding, acceptance and self-care. I can only love others when I fully love myself. Part of loving myself is knowing that I can be a love bug whilst maintaining healthy boundaries. And maintaining those healthy boundaries is essential for continued growth. What’s the saying by Lao Tzu? “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
I’m finally focused on self, then those that love me at the deepest level. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be. My journey continues…
#SelfCare #SelfLove #SelfHealer #HealthyBoundaries #BreakingToxicCycles #Roadtrip #Recovery #InvisibleWounds #Heartbreak #Grief #DomesticViolence #Family #GoodVibesOnly