Meeting People where they are…

Upgrades are happening in so many ways. Causing me to pause and simply relish in the moment. Gosh, the last few years have been a challenge. A heart-wrenching… soul-crushing… challenge. Some days felt like I was pushing a car uphill and other times, it felt like I was being pushed off a cliff. Finding the middle ground was.not.easy.

My international family has been creeping out in mysterious ways. Reminding me of their presence. Asking if I’ve accomplished what I was intending to accomplish. Dropping links for flights back to Asia. Complimenting my work… and asking when I’m going to get back to play. My community is very funny. And supportive. And over the last few weeks, the main concept that I realised I missed the most is how I was constantly learning from people in my community. To be part of my family, it was essential to do a deep dive into something completely foreign to me. I’m a self-proclaimed professional dabbler so finding something that I haven’t experienced can sometimes be a bit of a challenge. No arrogance, just truth that I have a curious mind and a short attention span for doing things on repeat.

As all the pieces come together, I’m stable in most aspects of my world. Steady build mode. Confident with my group fitness. Finally hitting that sweet spot of a devilish grin to my class with ‘ohhh yeah, this is my FAVOURITE move’ as we do a choreographed push-up challenge or side kicks that challenge both stability AND endurance. The sweet spot where your body acknowledges it’s build time. Sweat is fat crying. All toxic things are released. Adrenaline is pumping. Endorphins make an appearance. And before I know it, the entire class is looking at me with a look of ‘I’m glad I showed up’ and a dash of ‘I’m going to crush this workout’. Corporate powerhouses applying their mental tenacity to physical fitness. Life is so good!

My coaching business took a few month breather. I pulled back on clients so I had time for a course and do a bit of a reset. The aspect of me that I get complimented on most is my energy… and so I needed to reset to see what type of coaching course I wanted to focus on for this next chapter.

Resilience. Emotional Resilience. From quarter mile sprinter to 12-hour Ironman finisher. From climbing corporate ladders to creating a purpose driven life. From being people pleaser to Be Your Own Hero. So many coaching programmes. Based on experience. Sharing what I know. Sharing what I lived. Sharing what I have brought into this world. Resilience on so many levels. Having a full heart and calm mind and a cheeky soul. Without the cheeky soul, I would not have experienced nearly as much as I have thus far. Truly blessed.

The best part… my international family knows. They knew before I knew. They never once questioned my sanity or my ability to crush this current goal, emotional resilience. Journey to Peace… Knowing that I would struggle with quantifying success. Do I feel good? Yes! Do I still miss my family? HECK YES!! Am I at peace?! I think so. Each day, I get closer. I’m still coming to terms with everything. I’m finally to a point where I know that my family loves me in their own way. Generational trauma is not easy. I started with justifying behaviour. They are who they are. I processed anger. Resentment. Fear. Betrayal. and all sorts of things… to build a foundation where I could cultivate peace. Love. Understanding. Forgiveness. First forgiveness to self for not holding space for me. For forgetting to put on my oxygen mask before helping others. It still feels strange to put myself first. It feels selfish. It feels lumpy. But each day it gets easier. NO is a complete sentence. I’m in a situation where I get to practice this… and hold space for truth. For years, I laughed whilst saying NO to others. I would say NO and take a deep breath. What was to follow was either a truth that they are living up to their potential (and my standards) or a truth that I was in Jess world and saw magic in others before they saw it in themselves… sometimes resulting in a growing pain. Both truths are OK. This is the joy of life. To meet people where they are…

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Trauma #Recovery #SelfCare #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #OneDayAtATime #JourneyToPeace

Planting Roots. Holding Space. Being Seen.

Allowing myself time to digest all the magic that took place last month. October is Domestic Violence awareness month. Throughout the month, I published a series on Linkedin to simply have a conversation. I shared my tips on how I was (and continue) to crush goals (create magic) in public whilst dealing with domestic violence behind closed doors. How do I maintain my sanity? How do I continue to love? Do I actually trust others? What are my evolving self-care practices? So much was shared throughout the month. I had survivors breaking their silence. YES! I created a space where survivors felt safe enough to share their story within my video series. How awesome is that? Honestly.

The first video was the only one where I need to set the tone and expectations for rules of engagement. I did so by embracing the sarcasm of a troll by asking about their way of coping with DV. They blocked me. I hope they have since found a place to heal. I passed my test.

MY videos (collectively) had over 20,000 views. That’s such a blessing. Very humbled that my videos literally reached to various corners of the world. As a matter of fact, I was able to launch another coaching programme a few days ago. So many people commented on my energy. Maintaining a calmness or even a lighthearted nature whilst talking about domestic violence (oftentimes sharing snippets of personal trauma) with a smile. Perhaps that’s a sign of continued growth. Acceptance. Surrender. Trust. Flow. Letting go. I’m not sure which part of the journey I’m at but so many good things cropped up and out throughout the month.

Last night, I received a (well-timed) phone call from a kindred soul. Our paths crossed when I was on a roadtrip. I was driving from Chicago to Florida and then back up the east coast. I found myself somewhere in the Carolinas. There was a hurricane approaching. Hurricane Michael. The Universe is funny, that’s the name of my biological brother. Last year I was still running… The time with my friend was special. We met at a recovery meeting. At a church. Overwhelmed with pain and feeling a wave consuming me. It was my turn to share. A flow of emotions poured out. I don’t remember what the topic was but I blurted out a flow of words: being tired of trying not to take up space. Being invisible. I was tired of being invisible. I was tired of swallowing my emotions so others felt comfortable. I was tired of having a hurting heart. I was tired of looking after others that didn’t care about me. I was over it on so many levels and didn’t know what to do. I was overwhelmed. THIS was my break the silence moment. My moment. Enough was enough. Somewhere within my sharing, this soul found me and invited me into her space: to visit a community center. We had a beautiful chat. She’s a mother putting herself together and questioning if she was a good mother. I’m a daughter putting myself together and questioning if I am a good daughter. Kindred souls that needed to see one another at that exact moment. Humbling. This is the soul that called me last night. Just over a year. A spot check. To say hello. Both further along in our respective journey. Continuing to reach out to the Universe for new ways to live. To love. To laugh. To feel safe. And the reminder… the Universal reminder to simply be. To take up space.

My friend didn’t realise that was the message (and reminder) that I needed to hear. This is the Universe at work. Last year, I was still running (or driving) away from my problems. I was avoiding them. They continued to manifest because I was refusing to learn the lesson. The lesson is still a bit foggy. I know that unhealthy people exist. I know that manipulators exist. Heck, I even accept that people try to hurt me because my optimism can be a bit much (for others). The last few months have been incredibly magical. I’ve been back in a routine of looking after my health. Food and dog walking continue to be my top two ways to love myself. Food allows me to feed my body and my soul! Dog walking allows me to rejoice in my heart space and be in the present moment. And because, well, puppy love.

Chicago is starting to feel like home. I’m still cultivating my local tribe. My national and international tribe continue to remind me of their presence. I’ve officially been in Chicago for just over a year. 460+ days since seeing my mommabear. 400+ days since setting the intention to make Chicago home. Home is where you are loved. I stopped running and in the process to plant roots.

I forgive all those that have tried to cause me harm. I know they act out ignorance and unhealed wounds. An interesting reminder to not take anything personal, especially predatory behaviour. Attacks still feel personal but deep down, I know it’s really not. To observe. To understand that resistance is ego. To simply forgive. To be grateful for the opportunities to test my loyalty to my peace. To set (and hold) healthy boundaries. No more self-betrayal. Continuing to do the work.

Ahhhh! I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. The journey continues…

#Resilience #SelfCare #Love #Ground Zero #TraumaRecovery #Family #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #OneDayAtATime #BeYourOwnHero #Equanimity #FoodIsLove

When a Whisper turns into a Roar

I LOVE LOVE LOVE when the Universe gets chatty. It’s always chatty but sometimes the internal chatter is so loud that I am unable to hear the Universe chatter. There is a clear difference between my communities in Asia vs my communities in the USA.

During the process of chasing my financial goals, it was easy to build my circle of influence. If you had money, I wanted to learn from you. If you were running a company, I wanted to learn from you. If you were jet-setting around the world, I wanted to learn from you. My circle owns private jets and islands. I learned a lot and continue to learn from this group of powerhouses.

During the process to Ironman, it was easy to build my circle of influence. If you crossed a 140.6 finish line, I wanted to learn from you. If you were a professional athlete, I wanted to learn from you. For each discipline, I was focused on learning as much as possible. I was confident in running so my focus was on cyclists and swimmers. I was heavy on swimmers as this was my weakest discipline. all sorts of athletes to learn as much as possible and adopt various practices for my personal journey. I learned a lot, especially the difference between cyclists and triathletes AND the difference between 70.3 and 140.6 athletes. I’m still learning new things about myself through this sport.

During the process of inner peace… this has been a challenge. I learned that not all addictions are clear. I learned that most people are codependent and have massive unresolved trauma they are carrying around. I learned that society is most likely poisoning the masses in order to suppress their system or prevent them from being able to heal themselves. At first, I could count the number of peaceful people I know on one hand. This saddened me but also gave me hope. Journey to inner peace is a constantly moving and breathing concept. There is no final destination, just an ongoing process to grow through and go through various situations as gracefully as possible. That said, I’ve met a LOT of self healers. I also met a LOT of people that are consistently raising their consciousness. Took me a while but I found my soul tribe. I found people that hold space for me when I struggle to hold space for myself.

Of all the communities I have built over the years, the peaceful community has been the most challenging and most rewarding. You don’t know what you don’t know so surrounding myself with people that have accomplished what I was intending to accomplish has always been the deciding factor with accomplishing my goal.

As I continue to grow and reach new heights, I’m grateful for all the quiet whispers (just keep going). I’m grateful for the exchange of energy (I felt something was off and wanted to touch base). I’m super grateful for the difficult questions (what’s your self-care practice for the day?). Over the last 2 years, my various communities have been instrumental in teaching me the importance of taking care of myself. Standing in my truth with what I need. I’ve always been able to stand in my truth for professional and physical goals but have often struggled to state my needs for emotional wellness. Being a reformed people pleaser, this space took quite the effort to shift from “how can I help you” to “how can I love myself?”

I’m in the process of another upgrade. Just in time for Sagittarius season. And after a quick google search, did you know that Sagittarians are ideal for jobs in PR and Sports Coaching. Truthseeker through and through…hahahaha. And crushing goals through and through…hahahaha.

Being a Sagittarius is a blessing. It’s a label that I’ll proudly wear. My favourite line related to sharing emotions: There isn’t really anything she hides from others, especially because she’s all about being honest with herself and the people around her. When Sagittarius wants to say something or express an emotion, she’s going to do it, whether you’re ready for it or not.

In Asia, I was bold and outspoken. Respected and loved by my peers. Everyone in my circle was focused on being their best self. Mediocracy was not tolerated. After moving to the USA, I lost my voice for a while. It’s only the last year that I’m growing in my confidence to be bold and outspoken once again. And of course, respected and loved by my peers.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #SelfCare #Coach #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #HealthyBoundaries #Family

Emotional Growth Spurts: Connected & Detached.

The Universe is clearing space for new energy. I can feel it on so many levels. I’ve been slightly distracted during the last few months. I temporarily lost clarity on a few things. It’s been very interesting to see how things are manifesting…

Professionally, I’m focused and continuing to grow. Last week, I had my first corporate group fitness class (success). This week, I secured a new 6-week dog care contract (success). A friend has planted a seed to help me gain visibility for my coaching business. AND a kindred soul and I are putting together an online course… lots of magic is being created.

On a personal level. Some people that I have allowed into my heart space are shuffling around. I know when this happens, it means that I’m on point for another growth. It’s difficult for me to accept that not everyone grows at the same rate. It’s equally as difficult for me to accept that paths are diverging. The Universe is asking me to surrender and let go. Surrender and let go.

A few difficult goodbyes.

A familiar soul that still hasn’t learned how to love herself. She’s doing well on social media but I’ve seen her life in realtime and it’s all smoke and mirrors. I did what I could to help and gave her one of my most sacred tools, a book that essentially brought me back to life. Continuing to take, take, take from me, I was forced to use my voice. She resisted my truth. I continue to keep her in my prayers that she can one day learn how to embrace different perspectives and hold space for those that have held space for her. Especially the ability to hold space for someone that has done nothing but show her love. Continuous love. It is what it is. I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on where to invest my energy (knowing when its time to say goodbye).

Another familiar soul from my early corporate years. My first call after a near death experience was to a sorority sister (to pick me up). My first confession was to this friend. Over the years, he’s not been the most respectful but I’ve allowed it. Now, 10 years later, he continued to dismiss the truth (and honour) that I offered him. Him not being willing to hold space for me was the first in a series of similar responses. At the time, I interpreted the responses as “Jess, it’s really not that big of a deal” but now, I found my voice with, “I’m disappointed to learn your truth. It’s hurful that you continue to dismiss such a pivotal part of my story. I no longer allow this type of treatment in my world. This is not love. It’s time for our paths to diverge.” I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on where to invest my energy (seeing others for who they are, not their potential).

And a current lesson worth mentioning is with people living in my house. Proximity has typically been a challenge for me. At least with my family, it’s been a challenge to stay focused (and balanced). My family used to elicit enormous emotional responses from me. Understanding which energy is mine vs theirs has not always been easy. Increased grounding. Increased self-care. Increased self-compassion. Opportunity to state my needs. My house is filled with good souls. The only catch is they are unconscious. I cannot be mad at them for doing what they do but it’s frustrating as they are adults whose counterproductive habits have been seeping into my space. Bringing me into their storm rather than them into my peace. A continuous test on resilience (perhaps also grace). None of them have respect towards me because they are still learning how to respect themselves. I know it’s not personal but it feels very personal. A beautiful opportunity to set (and hold) healthy boundaries. I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on how to reframe & refocus inward. Not in a critical ‘what am I doing wrong this time’ but in an ‘ohhhhh, and what emotion is this cropping up. this is another opportunity to break a cycle. where can I love myself a bit more.’

Growth spurts are not always fun. They are painful. They take time. From a sport perspective, growing muscles is literally the muscles ripping apart and then healing (recovery) and then ripping apart and healing (recovery). Emotionally, I’ve been in recovery mode for a short while, it’s time to be in growth mode.

The objective: remain connected to self and detached to others. Especially when they try to elicit an emotional response. It’s not a time to correct anyone, it’s a time to observe. They are allowed to view me however they need.

The journey continues…

 

Art of Receiving. Art of Reciprocity.

I’m constantly surrounded by love. I know this in the deepest part of my soul. My heart is sometimes overwhelmed with pain. My head gets distracted with trying to quantify things. But my soul knows. It always knows.

10687117_881733382402_5166556558486601293_nWhen my grandfather transitioned, I felt a part of my heart go with him. I felt very alone and scared. Grandpa was one of my protectors. I stopped sharing this fear with others. The first people I opened up to taught me to swallow my big emotions. Only share the positive ones. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Put on your big girl panties. Stop being so sensitive. It’s not a big deal. Why are you always so dramatic. I was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realise that I wasn’t surrounded by love.

Since it’s Veteran’s day… and it’s 11/11, I need to share some words. My spiritual friends are mostly talking about portals, stepping into new power. Letting go of the old. All sorts of magic. I know my grandfather is still protecting me. I know that unicorns exist. I know that I’m loved and I’m unquestionably magical. Sometimes I still question my health. A few years ago, a Psychology PhD told me that if I’m the only sane one amongst a sea of crazy, then I am in fact the crazy one. It’s a matter of context. Context is everything. I should always be mindful of my surroundings. As I reflect on that today… I cannot help but just honour a few things.

ME. This chapter of discovery has been difficult. It’s been filled with ups and downs. Plot twists. Daily opportunities to practice self-care. Daily opportunities to detach with love. Daily opportunities to find the light in the dark and the dark in the light. Daily opportunities to love my big emotions… all of them.

My soul tribe. These angels continue to show up in the most not-so-random ways. A new one reveals themselves every few days. Apparently my soul continues to reach out to people around the world. I’m blessed. I’m learning so much about myself through interactions with them. My attachment styles vary depending on who I’m dealing with and the level of trust I chose to offer. I still tend to side with animals or people that do not speak English. It’s then when I’m forced to observe. I cannot cloud my judgement with words… Yes. I’m so blessed because my soul tribe keeps showing up.

Guardian Angels. I have a fleet of angels. I know this with 100% truth. Grandpas, Aunties, Friends and all sorts… always showing up to remind me of what I’m made of: LOVE with a side of magic.

Love bugs. This doesn’t need an explanation. They are love bugs. They love. Continuing loving when it’s hard. That’s when it’s needed the most.

As I continue to heal parts of me, I’m embracing a very difficult truth. A truth that I keep reframing and struggle to let go. Logically, I know what to do. Emotionally, I still have faith. Perhaps the focus on faith is simply to trust the process? My family has dealt with generational trauma. We are not special as most families have this problem. I refuse to accept anything that is not love. And standing in this truth has come at a very steep cost. My entire family. Do I love them? Yes. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I wish that things were different? Yes. Is there anything else I can do? Nope. Well, correction. I can continue to love myself and heal myself. By healing myself, I’m healing the relationship with them. Maybe? I love everyone with a pure heart. As I honour this exact moment, I can also say that sometimes I need to love people from a distance. Today, that distance stings. Whether it’s loving my guardian angels from the clouds or loving my family from a few towns over… I know that they love me in the only way they know how. I cherish them for loving me in their own way. At the same time, I wish they knew they were capable of peace and the love they deserve.

Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. Everyone.

I’m learning how to receive love. Just as important as offering it. The art of receiving… Happy Holiday. Hug a Vet and allow them to hug you back (Grandpa Corvo is hugging me and I’m loving every minute of it). The art of reciprocity.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #DomesticViolence #GenerationalTrauma #Understanding #Forgiveness #SelfCare #Love #Family #Recovery #InvisibleWounds #Reciprocity

Dear Head, I love you. Sincerely, Heart

Oh hay girl! I see you. I admire you. I love you. Gosh has it been a week. It’s that time to take a step back and take your own advice. Are you ready for the love bomb that is about to be dropped? *wink*

Dear Head,

I know you are clever. I know that you are constantly looking for ways to connect the dots. You are so good that sometimes you connect dots that don’t exist. You are pretty magical. You want things to work. I admire that. Very much. This time, I was the clever one. I appreciate you always being there to protect me. Sincerely. I love you in every aspect of the word. The last few weeks, I very much appreciate you standing next to me. We have been working together. And it’s ok. It’s safe. And we are back to dancing. We are back to laughing. We are even back on vibe with some of the people we admire most. People that comment on the giggle. The ones that comment on the spark being back. The fire within that shines bright. The ones that acknowledge (and celebrate) the cheeky smile in our eyes. We are back on vibe. We know our tribe and sometimes forget all that is magical within. It’s these people, sprinkled around the world that speak to different parts of us. Cheering along the way. They are making their presence known. Once again, to simply remind us of all our glory and all the magic that is within.

Last night, all the pieces fell into place. Even though we have been standing next to one another, I had a plan that I could not share with you. The sheer mass of the current undertaking. If I let you in on it, we might not have been able to take action. This needed to start from me (heart) and now we will finish together (head+heart=team). I need you. I need us to be a team. I need us to gently dance together. We started a series on Linkedin. Over the course of 2 years, we shared over 3.5 million words related to domestic violence. And the recovery from it. And now, we are encouraging dialogue on linkedin. Domestic Violence in the workplace… starting this conversation on the world’s largest professional platform. Thank you for allowing me to take the lead. Sometimes the only way to start is with my lead.

And now I need you. We need you. Jess needs us. Jess is in the midst of crushing another goal. Planting seeds in the minds of very influential people.

So to move forward, I want to thank you. Thank you for being present. Thank you for standing near. Thank you for knowing when to stand firm and when to let go. Thank you for protecting me with something fierce. I come out to play because I know you will always protect me. We are about to embark in one of the most magical seasons ever. And before we take that step, I just want to say THANK YOU for allowing me to be me. Talk, type, share, isolate, dance, cry or sing… you’ve allowed me to do whatever I needed for us. And for that, I wanted you to know that I appreciate your presence.

I love you. Let’s crush this goal, together.

With love,

Heart

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Alignment #Gratitude #Recovery #DomesticViolence

Lost in Trauma, Gained through recovery.

I’ve been spending a great deal of time on LinkedIn. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 2017, I started public speaking workshops for teenagers. 2018, I had a bunch of purging on facebook. 2019, I’m doing awareness on LinkedIn. Officially it’s the last platform to break my silence.

I know I’m loved. I know there are so many eyeballs watching me. I know some are waiting for me to fail. There are more quietly cheering me on. Most cringe with my sidesteps but mostly they are supporting me with finding the humour in my behaviour. I continue to break cycles that no longer serve my highest self.

I help people. I inspire people. I run a few businesses. I’m about to embark on a new hustle and each week, I’m presented with new opportunities. None of this is as important as finding my Tribe. Breaking my silence on LinkedIn has been beyond powerful. This is my high functioning group. The creme de le creme. The people (similar to me) that have been exposed to domestic violence but 1. don’t talk about it so it’s virtually impossible to identify. 2. think emotions are unnecessary and live & die by the saying ‘one-time shame on you, two times shame on me’. 3. Can also admit to a personal mantra of, ‘It’s not personal, it’s business’ and know exactly how to flip the switch. It’s self-preservation. I know these people and can identify them because I AM one of them.

It took me 20 years of conditioning and 11 years of active abuse to figure it out. Nearly 3.5 million words later, I’m still cleaning up parts of my life. Can I run a business? Yes. Can I pay my bills? Yes. Can I have functioning interpersonal relationships with HEALTHY people? The operative word being healthy. How exactly do we define healthy? *smirk*

Am I still allowing toxic people into my space? Once identified, they are removed. Am I losing my shit when people push a trigger? Nope, not my business. I feel the feels and do the things. Always doing the things… but now feeling the feels whilst doing the things.

I love to disconnect. I didn’t see this as being good or bad. I see it as being clever. I see it as being functioning because most days, I’m surrounded by unhealthy people. But those rare moments… the moments where my guard comes down. A compliment is shared. From heart-centre. My inner child comes out to play. I’m having more of those moments as of late. I take everything very serious. Friends are usually laughing at me. Screenshot 2019-10-21 at 6.14.29 PMSerious Jess means that I don’t feel safe. All things considered, since being in Chicago, when I shared my heartbreak, I would have a penis thrust into my personal space (thanks fb for the reminder – see the tangent for Sweetest Day 2018). Other times I shared my heartbreak, I was told to just get over it. Be positive. Focus on the good. Today is much different. People are kind. I’m finding my Tribe.

I’m 2 years into a healing process. 2 years. To put everything into context. I moved to ground zero of my trauma. My mission, to figure it out. #JourneyToPeace.

In the first year, I lost my father and my brother. Those were difficult truths to accept but manageable. The second year, I lost my mother. This was a devastating truth. This nearly shattered me. Abuse 101, specifically psychopath abuse… when an abuser can no longer control you, they control how others view you. My mother went from being my mommabear, my person, my go-to for everything in life to a stranger. She is now someone that doesn’t think my existence is worth anything. Clouded by her pain, she’ll take that truth to the grave. She allowed others to get into her head and affect her heart. If she’s happy, then I’m happy. Deep down, if she’s happy then she did one hell of a great job at pretending to care about me for 33 years. That’s a truth that I struggle with every single day.

But still, I’m sharing my truth and picking up coaching clients on a semi-regular basis. Sure, I still deal with people that are wasting my time. I also deal with predators that use my blog as a roadmap on how to inflict pain. But those are far and few between. The majority of people in my world are well-wishers. I’m forever protected by a handful of guardian angels. Regularly, I feel their presence. My Grandfathers, my Godmother and Dave. I’m sure there are more but those are my regular protectors.

And today, I honour a message from a magical soul. I had sprinkled out love into the LinkedIn world earlier in the day. This friend liked one of the comments. I sent her a text “You are by far magical in every sense of the definition” and her response “Love seeing what you’re doing… people who need to hear your voice are finding you, and I love seeing it!”

What I lost in trauma, I’m gaining through recovery.

The journey continues…

#DomesticViolence #Resilience #Recovery #EmotionalAbuse #MentalWellness #OneDayAtATime

There is NOTHING simple about doing the work.

Every once in a while, the Universe decides to spinkle my life with amazing people. To be fair, my life is filled with amazing people. Sometimes I allow my emotional pain to sit in the drivers seat preventing me from seeing things for what they are and people for who they are. With all the heartbreaking things in this world, I prefer to dance around Jess world. I prefer Jess world because even if it’s a magical bubble, people are kind. They are love. And being in this world allows me to be my true self. A goofy, quick-witted, love bug that believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. When my days get difficult, I still prefer to reach out to the clouds. I’m starting to reach out to others…

Tonight was delicate moment. It was a moment when I would reach to call my mommabear. It was a moment where I was aware that jumping on the interwebs would land me in a rabbit hold of webMD. I noticed white mold on my green onions and my mommabear has a green thumb. She would have been my go-to. To share my obsessive-compulsive, slightly neurotic insistence to remove the mold and figure out how to protect my plant. If she didn’t have the answer, then we would giggle whilst googling together. Tonight was a day that I was doing the work.

I held space for myself. I let out a cry of sadness that is also a cry for self.

I miss my mommabear every.single.day. Every.single.day. Sitting with myself and observing my emotions. Acknowledging where to love myself just a bit more. THIS is doing The Work.

Acknowledging last Friday, I sat at a train station for 2.5-3 hours debating on jumping on the BNSF. To run to her. Just to share news: I crushed my audition. THIS is doing The Work.

Another instance of me running to others. But who is running to me? This truth is overwhelming. Almost feels like a tsunami of loss. I’m grieving parasitic friendships. THIS is doing The Work.

And this week, I’m in my kitchen, replanting. Gardening was a shared hobby. Her garden was one of the most beautiful gardens I’ve ever seen. There are so many things to honour and celebrate. I was nominated to be on some humanitarian influencer list… specifically for my work in recovery after domestic violence. The nomination is framed as ‘championing PTSD’ (not even a hashtag that I use but it’s such an honour to be seen by the community that I serve. In addition to that, being asked to be a global spokesperson for a humanitarian group (again for my work within the domestic violence space). And the last part… last night to honour a gigglefest covering everything from ‘I want those 2 minutes of my life back,’ healthy boundaries with unhealthy people, ‘does karma take suggestions?’ all the way to sharing insights of what my #BeYourOwnHero programme actually is… and figuring out how to modify for the military. So many positive things happening in my world. So many magical people. And today, my ego can list all the things qualifying me as a decent human being and yet, my heart feels like a complete failure as a daughter. Logically, I know their trauma is their trauma. My heart struggles to accept it. At this exact moment, all I know is that I miss my mommabear. I miss my person.

My heart hurts. Today, my heart hurts.

(THIS is an articulation of what is happening within. And as I take a hot shower, I remind myself to be gentle. To love me. To shift from asking myself “I wonder what she is doing” to “Jess, where do you need to be loved right now”. THIS is when I have an ugly cry in the privacy of my own house. I acknowledge everything from fear of rejection to remnants of inadequacy. So many emotions cropping up. None of it is truth – emotions lie. This is my trauma. Observe. What’s my behaviour? Am I slipping into old habits? What is serving my highest self? Isolation. Tend to my heart. The mind is fierce. The ego is here to protect. The heart just wants to love. Another layer of disconnect… and holding space for my head & heart to reconnect… To Protect and To Love.

My heart hurts. Today it hurts. The ego wants to protect it. But there is nothing to protect. They are sitting together. The ego is witnessing the release of… another layer. Another opportunity to connect to self. Another depth of connection.

The process continues… There is NOTHING simple about doing The Work.

8 Aspects to consider when recovering from Trauma

Rewiring after narcissistic abuse takes time. It takes a LOT of self care. It can be exhausting to figure out who to trust only to realise it’s not about trusting others as much as remembering to trust yourself. It’s about consistently needing to qualify your intuition as the abuse has clouded your ability to discern the difference between butterflies and danger; during recovery, it feels the same.

WALLS

Sometimes it gets overwhelming with questioning humanity. Some days, it feels like everyone is a predator. And just when my walls start to come down, someone tests my healing and reminds me WHY I have walls to begin with. It’s a process. A massive process.

BOUNDARIES

My saving grace has been an ability to call out unhealthy behaviour and continue to stand in my truth, at all costs. All. Costs. Healthy people respect your boundary and ZERO drama ensues. I’m on a mission to find the healthy people. Unhealthy people will act as if they are personally insulted because of your boundary. Sometimes, unhealthy people will go as far to challenge your boundaries as if it’s a game.

It took me the better part of a year to successfully implement & maintain healthy boundaries with family. I successfully implement boundaries in most aspects of my world. Implementing boundaries with my family has been difficult. Very difficult.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE (GRACE)

Sometimes I trust the wrong people. Being gentle with myself, I honour myself for giving others the opportunity to share THEIR Truth. Again, it’s a process. I don’t live with regrets because a side step is just my ego winning in the tug of war between head and heart. My heart wants to believe people are healthy, my mind knows most are not. I’m in a season of PROVE IT… perhaps even to myself. I try my best to forgive myself when I trust people unworthy of being trusted.

RIDING WAVES

The current flow of teachers are in the medical field. I thought doctors, nurses et al were more mindful but the reality is this wave has been filled with mindFULL people. hahaha. People looking for arm candy. Physically, I look good on someone’s arm and these teachers prioritise having things to make them look good. Not be good, but look good. Emotionally, I’m still working through a season of trauma. Being around inauthentic people is triggering. At the moment, it feeds into me questioning my value add and why objectification has been normalised. I do not trust myself when it comes to romantic endeavours. Not yet at least. I’ve dating some incredible men… but this season has me extremely cautious.

RADICAL TRUTH – NORMALISING UNHEALTHY

Once subjected to narcissistic abuse, most things become confusing. Over time, my reality has been hijacked by their reality. It’s a slow shift, a micro-aggression ends up being pacified or overlooked. Narcissistic abuse, in my opinion, is one of the worst because it leaves invisible wounds. When voiced, the abuser tends to push back with ‘you are too sensitive’ or ‘I was just joking’. As a person in recovery, comments like this left me questioning why I was so sensitive. Eventually, I would adjust my behaviour because adjusting was easier than being criticised. The plot twist: healthy humans will adjust their behavivour once they realise they are causing harm to another. Unhealhy humans will justify their because. Narcissists are not healthy. Again, their world. Their rules. Narcissists are broken individuals who prey on people going through a season of healing. Mainly because we are an easier target. It’s easier to manipulate us when we are already confused.

FOCUSING INWARD

Ironically, a season of healing sometimes allows for gratitude for crumbs of affection (thanks toxic positivity) and/or the inability to clearly state our needs (thank you survival tool: fawning). Since predators know it is easy to manipulate people in a season of healing, the true work is being able to hold space for yourself to decide what YOUR heart needs. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s OK to say NO. It’s OK to tell others when they have hurt you. It’s OK to walk away from people who justify behaviour. Words should be an echo of actions. Apologies without changed behaviour is simply a manipulation. A reminder that YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE SAME LOVE YOU OFFER TO OTHERS.

FIND DECENT MEN

Decent men in my world share links to support one of my many goals. They comment and resharing my content (I launched a coaching business and most of my business is referral based so engagement and resharing is always appreciated). They call me to say hello. They ask what I’m doing to honour my heart. They encourage me to laugh at little things and celebrate my quirks… a recent conversation asked about Oscar (a house mouse that I named during a recent journey to catch and relocate an unexpected house guest). Decent men offer to pick me up at a nearby location rather than my house (acknowledging I take time to trust). Sometimes decent men even remember to bring me a slice of my favourite fruit. I love decent men. They exist. My life is sprinkled with all sorts of people. The decent ones are in abundance.

THE STRUGGLE

Sometimes it’s easier to fight the injustice than it is to honour the peace. Recognising the need to ‘fight the injustice’ reveals when I’m operating from EGO rather than heart. It’s easy for me to justify I’m hurt by the actions of another. When I explore my hurt it is because I had an expectation of purity. Not all beings are pure. Accepting people as they are as opposed to how they present themselves can sometimes be difficult. Again, which reality do I prioritise. When I’m re-calibrating my intuition and cleaning up my heart, this can be a struggle. A massive struggle.

I am seen. I am loved. I’m also working through my conditioning, a trauma bond. Yes, I’ve been conditioned to accept merry-go-round behaviour. Each time I allow this into my space… it’s me struggling to break the cycle. It’s me doing the work. Awareness. Before. Change.

I’m in a season of healing. I cannot control others. I have zero desire to control others. I can only control me. Each person brought into my world teaches me where to love myself just a bit more. And for that, I can appreciate all types of teachers whilst maintaining healthy boundaries. When it comes down to it, sometimes burning a bridge is simply so crazy cannot follow me.

I choose me. Every single time, I choose me. I protect my heart and I protect my peace.

With love, Stepping into my Fullness

Dearest Jess,

Can I just say… WOW. I’m in absolute awe. The last few weeks have offered a number of opportunities for you step out of your integrity and you were graceful… The easy thing to do is to flex. To hit back harder than you were hit. You have such a beautiful way with words. Always knowing just what to say to touch someone’s soul. Being someone that says things that need to be heard, you remembered to exercise self-control. When it would have been very easy to share your truth, you recognised that you might have a tainted lens; you realised that the situation was exposing a part that needed some extra love. And so you shifted.

So many new energies have been in our space. Some tame and others predatory. Not always 100% sure which is butterflies and which is your intuition screaming… yes they still feel very similar, you allowed space. You put space between you and new energies to look after us. To ground. To balance. To recharge. For that, thank you.

Your world is still filled with people that prefer distractions. Clothing, alcohol, substance. Some are soulships and others are karma clearing… remember that. It’s OK to get lost in a moment but lets always come back to source.

The next few weeks are going to be beyond powerful. There is a storm brewing. Not sure what type of storm but it feels familiar in the best way. The Universe continues to speak to you. You picked up the messages today. When Ginny was giving a hard time, she just wanted to pull you into her moment and give you lots of kisses. You are loved, Jess. You are constantly surrounded by love. You have done such an amazing job of building, cultivating, and sometimes removing people that no longer qualify.

So thank you. Jess, sincerely thank you for continuing to show up for you, for us, for me.

Stay connected to self and detached to others. Self is source. There will be a series of messengers. All with lessons that you need to learn. Some will reveal themselves to help you pull down your walls, others will remind you why you have walls. Everything is perfect. You will assume that everyone has pure intentions but we know the reality. Not everyone is going to understand you and you are going to continue to want to be loved… and soon enough, you’ll realise that you are loved. Universally loved. Because you are love. You radiate love. You are surrounded by love… and I hope that your garden continues to bloom and be a visual manifestation of all the beauty that is you. You are a strong lifeforce.

Jess, you are love.

Humbly,
The Soul