Art of Receiving. Art of Reciprocity.

I’m constantly surrounded by love. I know this in the deepest part of my soul. My heart is sometimes overwhelmed with pain. My head gets distracted with trying to quantify things. But my soul knows. It always knows.

10687117_881733382402_5166556558486601293_nWhen my grandfather transitioned, I felt a part of my heart go with him. I felt very alone and scared. Grandpa was one of my protectors. I stopped sharing this fear with others. The first people I opened up to taught me to swallow my big emotions. Only share the positive ones. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Put on your big girl panties. Stop being so sensitive. It’s not a big deal. Why are you always so dramatic. I was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realise that I wasn’t surrounded by love.

Since it’s Veteran’s day… and it’s 11/11, I need to share some words. My spiritual friends are mostly talking about portals, stepping into new power. Letting go of the old. All sorts of magic. I know my grandfather is still protecting me. I know that unicorns exist. I know that I’m loved and I’m unquestionably magical. Sometimes I still question my health. A few years ago, a Psychology PhD told me that if I’m the only sane one amongst a sea of crazy, then I am in fact the crazy one. It’s a matter of context. Context is everything. I should always be mindful of my surroundings. As I reflect on that today… I cannot help but just honour a few things.

ME. This chapter of discovery has been difficult. It’s been filled with ups and downs. Plot twists. Daily opportunities to practice self-care. Daily opportunities to detach with love. Daily opportunities to find the light in the dark and the dark in the light. Daily opportunities to love my big emotions… all of them.

My soul tribe. These angels continue to show up in the most not-so-random ways. A new one reveals themselves every few days. Apparently my soul continues to reach out to people around the world. I’m blessed. I’m learning so much about myself through interactions with them. My attachment styles vary depending on who I’m dealing with and the level of trust I chose to offer. I still tend to side with animals or people that do not speak English. It’s then when I’m forced to observe. I cannot cloud my judgement with words… Yes. I’m so blessed because my soul tribe keeps showing up.

Guardian Angels. I have a fleet of angels. I know this with 100% truth. Grandpas, Aunties, Friends and all sorts… always showing up to remind me of what I’m made of: LOVE with a side of magic.

Love bugs. This doesn’t need an explanation. They are love bugs. They love. Continuing loving when it’s hard. That’s when it’s needed the most.

As I continue to heal parts of me, I’m embracing a very difficult truth. A truth that I keep reframing and struggle to let go. Logically, I know what to do. Emotionally, I still have faith. Perhaps the focus on faith is simply to trust the process? My family has dealt with generational trauma. We are not special as most families have this problem. I refuse to accept anything that is not love. And standing in this truth has come at a very steep cost. My entire family. Do I love them? Yes. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I wish that things were different? Yes. Is there anything else I can do? Nope. Well, correction. I can continue to love myself and heal myself. By healing myself, I’m healing the relationship with them. Maybe? I love everyone with a pure heart. As I honour this exact moment, I can also say that sometimes I need to love people from a distance. Today, that distance stings. Whether it’s loving my guardian angels from the clouds or loving my family from a few towns over… I know that they love me in the only way they know how. I cherish them for loving me in their own way. At the same time, I wish they knew they were capable of peace and the love they deserve.

Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. Everyone.

I’m learning how to receive love. Just as important as offering it. The art of receiving… Happy Holiday. Hug a Vet and allow them to hug you back (Grandpa Corvo is hugging me and I’m loving every minute of it). The art of reciprocity.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #DomesticViolence #GenerationalTrauma #Understanding #Forgiveness #SelfCare #Love #Family #Recovery #InvisibleWounds #Reciprocity

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