Every once in a while, the Universe decides to spinkle my life with amazing people. To be fair, my life is filled with amazing people. Sometimes I allow my emotional pain to sit in the drivers seat preventing me from seeing things for what they are and people for who they are. With all the heartbreaking things in this world, I prefer to dance around Jess world. I prefer Jess world because even if it’s a magical bubble, people are kind. They are love. And being in this world allows me to be my true self. A goofy, quick-witted, love bug that believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. When my days get difficult, I still prefer to reach out to the clouds. I’m starting to reach out to others…
Tonight was delicate moment. It was a moment when I would reach to call my mommabear. It was a moment where I was aware that jumping on the interwebs would land me in a rabbit hold of webMD. I noticed white mold on my green onions and my mommabear has a green thumb. She would have been my go-to. To share my obsessive-compulsive, slightly neurotic insistence to remove the mold and figure out how to protect my plant. If she didn’t have the answer, then we would giggle whilst googling together. Tonight was a day that I was doing the work.
I held space for myself. I let out a cry of sadness that is also a cry for self.
I miss my mommabear every.single.day. Every.single.day. Sitting with myself and observing my emotions. Acknowledging where to love myself just a bit more. THIS is doing The Work.
Acknowledging last Friday, I sat at a train station for 2.5-3 hours debating on jumping on the BNSF. To run to her. Just to share news: I crushed my audition. THIS is doing The Work.
Another instance of me running to others. But who is running to me? This truth is overwhelming. Almost feels like a tsunami of loss. I’m grieving parasitic friendships. THIS is doing The Work.
And this week, I’m in my kitchen, replanting. Gardening was a shared hobby. Her garden was one of the most beautiful gardens I’ve ever seen. There are so many things to honour and celebrate. I was nominated to be on some humanitarian influencer list… specifically for my work in recovery after domestic violence. The nomination is framed as ‘championing PTSD’ (not even a hashtag that I use but it’s such an honour to be seen by the community that I serve. In addition to that, being asked to be a global spokesperson for a humanitarian group (again for my work within the domestic violence space). And the last part… last night to honour a gigglefest covering everything from ‘I want those 2 minutes of my life back,’ healthy boundaries with unhealthy people, ‘does karma take suggestions?’ all the way to sharing insights of what my #BeYourOwnHero programme actually is… and figuring out how to modify for the military. So many positive things happening in my world. So many magical people. And today, my ego can list all the things qualifying me as a decent human being and yet, my heart feels like a complete failure as a daughter. Logically, I know their trauma is their trauma. My heart struggles to accept it. At this exact moment, all I know is that I miss my mommabear. I miss my person.
My heart hurts. Today, my heart hurts.
(THIS is an articulation of what is happening within. And as I take a hot shower, I remind myself to be gentle. To love me. To shift from asking myself “I wonder what she is doing” to “Jess, where do you need to be loved right now”. THIS is when I have an ugly cry in the privacy of my own house. I acknowledge everything from fear of rejection to remnants of inadequacy. So many emotions cropping up. None of it is truth – emotions lie. This is my trauma. Observe. What’s my behaviour? Am I slipping into old habits? What is serving my highest self? Isolation. Tend to my heart. The mind is fierce. The ego is here to protect. The heart just wants to love. Another layer of disconnect… and holding space for my head & heart to reconnect… To Protect and To Love.
My heart hurts. Today it hurts. The ego wants to protect it. But there is nothing to protect. They are sitting together. The ego is witnessing the release of… another layer. Another opportunity to connect to self. Another depth of connection.
The process continues… There is NOTHING simple about doing The Work.