Rewiring after narcissistic abuse takes time. It takes a LOT of self care. It can be exhausting to figure out who to trust only to realise it’s not about trusting others as much as remembering to trust yourself. It’s about consistently needing to qualify your intuition as the abuse has clouded your ability to discern the difference between butterflies and danger; during recovery, it feels the same.
Sometimes it gets overwhelming with questioning humanity. Some days, it feels like everyone is a predator. And just when my walls start to come down, someone tests my healing and reminds me WHY I have walls to begin with. It’s a process. A massive process.
My saving grace has been an ability to call out unhealthy behaviour and continue to stand in my truth, at all costs. All. Costs. Healthy people respect your boundary and ZERO drama ensues. I’m on a mission to find the healthy people. Unhealthy people will act as if they are personally insulted because of your boundary. Sometimes, unhealthy people will go as far to test your boundaries as if it’s a game.
It took me the better part of a year to successfully implement & maintain healthy boundaries with family. I successfully implement boundaries in most aspects of my world. Implementing boundaries with my family has been difficult. Very difficult.
Sometimes I trust the wrong people. Being gentle with myself, I honour myself for giving others the opportunity to share THEIR Truth. Again, it’s a process. I don’t live with regrets because a side step is just my ego winning in the tug of war between head and heart. My heart wants to believe people are healthy, my mind knows most are not. I’m in a season of PROVE IT… perhaps even to myself. I try my best to forgive myself when I trust people unworthy of being trusted.
The current flow of teachers are in the medical field. I thought doctors, nurses et al were more mindful but the reality is this wave has been filled with mindFULL people. hahaha. People looking for arm candy. Physically, I look good on someone’s arm and these teachers prioritise having things to make them look good. Not be good, but look good. Emotionally, I’m still working through a season of trauma. Being around inauthentic people is triggering. At the moment, it feeds into me questioning my value add and why objectification has been normalised. I do not trust myself when it comes to romantic endeavours. Not yet at least. I’ve dating some incredible men… but this season has me extremely cautious.
RADICAL TRUTH – NORMALISING UNHEALTHY
Once subjected to narcissistic abuse, most things become confusing. Over time, my reality has been hijacked by their reality. It’s a slow shift, a micro-aggression ends up being pacified or overlooked. Narcissistic abuse, in my opinion, is one of the worst because it leaves invisible wounds. When voiced, the abuser tends to push back with ‘you are too sensitive’ or ‘I was just joking’. As a person in recovery, comments like this left me questioning why I was so sensitive. Eventually, I would adjust my behaviour because adjusting was easier than being criticised. The plot twist: healthy humans will adjust their behavivour once they realise they are causing harm to another. Unhealhy humans will justify their because. Narcissists are not healthy. Again, their world. Their rules. Narcissists are broken individuals who prey on people going through a season of healing. Mainly because we are an easier target. It’s easier to manipulate us when we are already confused.
Ironically, a season of healing sometimes allows for gratitude for crumbs of affection (thanks toxic positivity) and/or the inability to clearly state our needs (thank you survival tool: fawning). Since predators know it is easy to manipulate people in a season of healing, the true work is being able to hold space for yourself to decide what YOUR heart needs. Nothing more. Nothing less. It’s OK to say NO. It’s OK to tell others when they have hurt you. It’s OK to walk away from people who justify behaviour. Words should be an echo of actions. Apologies without changed behaviour is simply a manipulation. A reminder that YOU ARE WORTHY OF THE SAME LOVE YOU OFFER TO OTHERS.
FIND DECENT MEN
I have so many decent men sprinkled in my life. Men who don’t turn things sexual. Ever. There are no ‘jokes’ about what I taste like or crude gestures. They don’t answer a video chat by exposing their penis. And most importantly, they don’t plant seeds that have no business being in my garden. So who are these decent men… let me expand…
Decent men in my world share links to support one of my many goals. They comment and resharing my content (I launched a coaching business and most of my business is referral based so engagement and resharing is always appreciated). They call me to say hello. They ask what I’m doing to honour my heart. They encourage me to laugh at little things and celebrate my quirks… a recent conversation asked about Oscar (a house mouse that I named during a recent journey to catch and relocate an unexpected house guest). Decent men offer to pick me up at a nearby location rather than my house (acknowledging I take time to trust). Sometimes decent men even remember to bring me a slice of my favourite fruit. I love decent men. They exist. My life is sprinkled with all sorts of people. The decent ones are in abundance.
Sometimes it’s easier to fight the injustice than it is to honour the peace. Recognising the need to ‘fight the injustice’ reveals when I’m operating from EGO rather than heart. It’s easy for me to justify I’m hurt by the actions of another. When I explore my hurt it is because I had an expectation of purity. Not all beings are pure. Accepting people as they are as opposed to how they present themselves can sometimes be difficult. Again, which reality do I prioritise. When I’m re-calibrating my intuition and cleaning up my heart, this can be a struggle. A massive struggle.
I am seen. I am loved. I’m also working through my conditioning, a trauma bond. Yes, I’ve been conditioned to accept merry-go-round behaviour. Each time I allow this into my space… it’s me struggling to break the cycle. It’s me doing the work. Awareness. Before. Change.
I’m in a season of healing. I cannot control others. I have zero desire to control others. I can only control me. Each person brought into my world teaches me where to love myself just a bit more. And for that, I can appreciate all types of teachers whilst maintaining healthy boundaries. When it comes down to it, sometimes burning a bridge is simply so crazy cannot follow me.
I choose me. Every single time, I choose me. I protect my heart and I protect my peace.