Thanksgiving Thanks

Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday. Without question. It’s been my favourite for as long as I can remember. Making stuffing the night before. Waking up early to prepare the rest of the meal. Grazing throughout the day.

During the years when I was living overseas, it was always a big question… to come home for Thanksgiving or not. My parents wanted me home for Christmas, I preferred Thanksgiving. Reflecting back, it didn’t really matter which holiday but it did.

My favourite holiday is Thanksgiving. My favourite Thanksgiving is from 2009.

Ten years ago was the last time I was able to sit at a table with my two heroes. My grandfathers. I was based in Singapore. Grandpa Corvo was going through chemo treatments. His health was declining. I circled the globe 5 times that year. Weekend trips for the ones I love most. There wasn’t anything I didn’t do or offer my family. I always showed up. Always.

Last year, was essentially the first Thanksgiving after breaking my silence about Domestic Violence. Go figure, also the first Thanksgiving without anyone from my biological family. My heart stings to acknowledge this truth. A truth that domestic violence is a lose-lose situation. You have the choice to suffer in silence with those that hurt you or you suffer in truth with knowing they don’t know how to love you in an authentic way.

I have healthy relationships all over the world. Some lasting over a decade. I’m finally in a space where I’m connecting and attracting healthy, growth mindset people. As my mind slips into a space to acknowledge the ones that have shown up; And continue to show up. I acknowledge that everyone has their story, my tribe is filled with those that have come out or still going through their dark days. My tribe loves. They love hard.

This year, I honour that as much as I miss my biological family, I’ve been embraced by others. Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday. Invitations have come with “please do not bring anything other than yourself” or “Jess, we love you. A seat will be waiting for you in case you change your mind” or “what does your day of love/self care look like”.

Two years ago, I didn’t know what was happening. Last year, my voice shook. This year, I’m mastering the art of being. Simply being. And allowing others into my space at my pace. My pace.

Food and love. Gosh, Thanksgiving is such a magical holiday. To those dealing with domestic violence or some sort of trauma… family is NOT family. Family is love, loyalty, respect. It’s always your choice. Always.

Gobble until you wobble. With people you love and who also love you.

You are worth fighting for. Never forget that. You are worth absolute magic and unquestionable love.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #Thanksgiving #Friendsgiving #SelfCare #HealthyBoundaries #OneDayAtTime

Planting Roots. Holding Space. Being Seen.

Allowing myself time to digest all the magic that took place last month. October is Domestic Violence awareness month. Throughout the month, I published a series on Linkedin to simply have a conversation. I shared my tips on how I was (and continue) to crush goals (create magic) in public whilst dealing with domestic violence behind closed doors. How do I maintain my sanity? How do I continue to love? Do I actually trust others? What are my evolving self-care practices? So much was shared throughout the month. I had survivors breaking their silence. YES! I created a space where survivors felt safe enough to share their story within my video series. How awesome is that? Honestly.

The first video was the only one where I need to set the tone and expectations for rules of engagement. I did so by embracing the sarcasm of a troll by asking about their way of coping with DV. They blocked me. I hope they have since found a place to heal. I passed my test.

MY videos (collectively) had over 20,000 views. That’s such a blessing. Very humbled that my videos literally reached to various corners of the world. As a matter of fact, I was able to launch another coaching programme a few days ago. So many people commented on my energy. Maintaining a calmness or even a lighthearted nature whilst talking about domestic violence (oftentimes sharing snippets of personal trauma) with a smile. Perhaps that’s a sign of continued growth. Acceptance. Surrender. Trust. Flow. Letting go. I’m not sure which part of the journey I’m at but so many good things cropped up and out throughout the month.

Last night, I received a (well-timed) phone call from a kindred soul. Our paths crossed when I was on a roadtrip. I was driving from Chicago to Florida and then back up the east coast. I found myself somewhere in the Carolinas. There was a hurricane approaching. Hurricane Michael. The Universe is funny, that’s the name of my biological brother. Last year I was still running… The time with my friend was special. We met at a recovery meeting. At a church. Overwhelmed with pain and feeling a wave consuming me. It was my turn to share. A flow of emotions poured out. I don’t remember what the topic was but I blurted out a flow of words: being tired of trying not to take up space. Being invisible. I was tired of being invisible. I was tired of swallowing my emotions so others felt comfortable. I was tired of having a hurting heart. I was tired of looking after others that didn’t care about me. I was over it on so many levels and didn’t know what to do. I was overwhelmed. THIS was my break the silence moment. My moment. Enough was enough. Somewhere within my sharing, this soul found me and invited me into her space: to visit a community center. We had a beautiful chat. She’s a mother putting herself together and questioning if she was a good mother. I’m a daughter putting myself together and questioning if I am a good daughter. Kindred souls that needed to see one another at that exact moment. Humbling. This is the soul that called me last night. Just over a year. A spot check. To say hello. Both further along in our respective journey. Continuing to reach out to the Universe for new ways to live. To love. To laugh. To feel safe. And the reminder… the Universal reminder to simply be. To take up space.

My friend didn’t realise that was the message (and reminder) that I needed to hear. This is the Universe at work. Last year, I was still running (or driving) away from my problems. I was avoiding them. They continued to manifest because I was refusing to learn the lesson. The lesson is still a bit foggy. I know that unhealthy people exist. I know that manipulators exist. Heck, I even accept that people try to hurt me because my optimism can be a bit much (for others). The last few months have been incredibly magical. I’ve been back in a routine of looking after my health. Food and dog walking continue to be my top two ways to love myself. Food allows me to feed my body and my soul! Dog walking allows me to rejoice in my heart space and be in the present moment. And because, well, puppy love.

Chicago is starting to feel like home. I’m still cultivating my local tribe. My national and international tribe continue to remind me of their presence. I’ve officially been in Chicago for just over a year. 460+ days since seeing my mommabear. 400+ days since setting the intention to make Chicago home. Home is where you are loved. I stopped running and in the process to plant roots.

I forgive all those that have tried to cause me harm. I know they act out ignorance and unhealed wounds. An interesting reminder to not take anything personal, especially predatory behaviour. Attacks still feel personal but deep down, I know it’s really not. To observe. To understand that resistance is ego. To simply forgive. To be grateful for the opportunities to test my loyalty to my peace. To set (and hold) healthy boundaries. No more self-betrayal. Continuing to do the work.

Ahhhh! I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. The journey continues…

#Resilience #SelfCare #Love #Ground Zero #TraumaRecovery #Family #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #OneDayAtATime #BeYourOwnHero #Equanimity #FoodIsLove

When a Whisper turns into a Roar

I LOVE LOVE LOVE when the Universe gets chatty. It’s always chatty but sometimes the internal chatter is so loud that I am unable to hear the Universe chatter. There is a clear difference between my communities in Asia vs my communities in the USA.

During the process of chasing my financial goals, it was easy to build my circle of influence. If you had money, I wanted to learn from you. If you were running a company, I wanted to learn from you. If you were jet-setting around the world, I wanted to learn from you. My circle owns private jets and islands. I learned a lot and continue to learn from this group of powerhouses.

During the process to Ironman, it was easy to build my circle of influence. If you crossed a 140.6 finish line, I wanted to learn from you. If you were a professional athlete, I wanted to learn from you. For each discipline, I was focused on learning as much as possible. I was confident in running so my focus was on cyclists and swimmers. I was heavy on swimmers as this was my weakest discipline. all sorts of athletes to learn as much as possible and adopt various practices for my personal journey. I learned a lot, especially the difference between cyclists and triathletes AND the difference between 70.3 and 140.6 athletes. I’m still learning new things about myself through this sport.

During the process of inner peace… this has been a challenge. I learned that not all addictions are clear. I learned that most people are codependent and have massive unresolved trauma they are carrying around. I learned that society is most likely poisoning the masses in order to suppress their system or prevent them from being able to heal themselves. At first, I could count the number of peaceful people I know on one hand. This saddened me but also gave me hope. Journey to inner peace is a constantly moving and breathing concept. There is no final destination, just an ongoing process to grow through and go through various situations as gracefully as possible. That said, I’ve met a LOT of self healers. I also met a LOT of people that are consistently raising their consciousness. Took me a while but I found my soul tribe. I found people that hold space for me when I struggle to hold space for myself.

Of all the communities I have built over the years, the peaceful community has been the most challenging and most rewarding. You don’t know what you don’t know so surrounding myself with people that have accomplished what I was intending to accomplish has always been the deciding factor with accomplishing my goal.

As I continue to grow and reach new heights, I’m grateful for all the quiet whispers (just keep going). I’m grateful for the exchange of energy (I felt something was off and wanted to touch base). I’m super grateful for the difficult questions (what’s your self-care practice for the day?). Over the last 2 years, my various communities have been instrumental in teaching me the importance of taking care of myself. Standing in my truth with what I need. I’ve always been able to stand in my truth for professional and physical goals but have often struggled to state my needs for emotional wellness. Being a reformed people pleaser, this space took quite the effort to shift from “how can I help you” to “how can I love myself?”

I’m in the process of another upgrade. Just in time for Sagittarius season. And after a quick google search, did you know that Sagittarians are ideal for jobs in PR and Sports Coaching. Truthseeker through and through…hahahaha. And crushing goals through and through…hahahaha.

Being a Sagittarius is a blessing. It’s a label that I’ll proudly wear. My favourite line related to sharing emotions: There isn’t really anything she hides from others, especially because she’s all about being honest with herself and the people around her. When Sagittarius wants to say something or express an emotion, she’s going to do it, whether you’re ready for it or not.

In Asia, I was bold and outspoken. Respected and loved by my peers. Everyone in my circle was focused on being their best self. Mediocracy was not tolerated. After moving to the USA, I lost my voice for a while. It’s only the last year that I’m growing in my confidence to be bold and outspoken once again. And of course, respected and loved by my peers.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #SelfCare #Coach #EmotionalAbuse #Recovery #HealthyBoundaries #Family

Emotional Growth Spurts: Connected & Detached.

The Universe is clearing space for new energy. I can feel it on so many levels. I’ve been slightly distracted during the last few months. I temporarily lost clarity on a few things. It’s been very interesting to see how things are manifesting…

Professionally, I’m focused and continuing to grow. Last week, I had my first corporate group fitness class (success). This week, I secured a new 6-week dog care contract (success). A friend has planted a seed to help me gain visibility for my coaching business. AND a kindred soul and I are putting together an online course… lots of magic is being created.

On a personal level. Some people that I have allowed into my heart space are shuffling around. I know when this happens, it means that I’m on point for another growth. It’s difficult for me to accept that not everyone grows at the same rate. It’s equally as difficult for me to accept that paths are diverging. The Universe is asking me to surrender and let go. Surrender and let go.

A few difficult goodbyes.

A familiar soul that still hasn’t learned how to love herself. She’s doing well on social media but I’ve seen her life in realtime and it’s all smoke and mirrors. I did what I could to help and gave her one of my most sacred tools, a book that essentially brought me back to life. Continuing to take, take, take from me, I was forced to use my voice. She resisted my truth. I continue to keep her in my prayers that she can one day learn how to embrace different perspectives and hold space for those that have held space for her. Especially the ability to hold space for someone that has done nothing but show her love. Continuous love. It is what it is. I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on where to invest my energy (knowing when its time to say goodbye).

Another familiar soul from my early corporate years. My first call after a near death experience was to a sorority sister (to pick me up). My first confession was to this friend. Over the years, he’s not been the most respectful but I’ve allowed it. Now, 10 years later, he continued to dismiss the truth (and honour) that I offered him. Him not being willing to hold space for me was the first in a series of similar responses. At the time, I interpreted the responses as “Jess, it’s really not that big of a deal” but now, I found my voice with, “I’m disappointed to learn your truth. It’s hurful that you continue to dismiss such a pivotal part of my story. I no longer allow this type of treatment in my world. This is not love. It’s time for our paths to diverge.” I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on where to invest my energy (seeing others for who they are, not their potential).

And a current lesson worth mentioning is with people living in my house. Proximity has typically been a challenge for me. At least with my family, it’s been a challenge to stay focused (and balanced). My family used to elicit enormous emotional responses from me. Understanding which energy is mine vs theirs has not always been easy. Increased grounding. Increased self-care. Increased self-compassion. Opportunity to state my needs. My house is filled with good souls. The only catch is they are unconscious. I cannot be mad at them for doing what they do but it’s frustrating as they are adults whose counterproductive habits have been seeping into my space. Bringing me into their storm rather than them into my peace. A continuous test on resilience (perhaps also grace). None of them have respect towards me because they are still learning how to respect themselves. I know it’s not personal but it feels very personal. A beautiful opportunity to set (and hold) healthy boundaries. I’m grateful to the Universe for helping me see the truth on how to reframe & refocus inward. Not in a critical ‘what am I doing wrong this time’ but in an ‘ohhhhh, and what emotion is this cropping up. this is another opportunity to break a cycle. where can I love myself a bit more.’

Growth spurts are not always fun. They are painful. They take time. From a sport perspective, growing muscles is literally the muscles ripping apart and then healing (recovery) and then ripping apart and healing (recovery). Emotionally, I’ve been in recovery mode for a short while, it’s time to be in growth mode.

The objective: remain connected to self and detached to others. Especially when they try to elicit an emotional response. It’s not a time to correct anyone, it’s a time to observe. They are allowed to view me however they need.

The journey continues…

 

Art of Receiving. Art of Reciprocity.

I’m constantly surrounded by love. I know this in the deepest part of my soul. My heart is sometimes overwhelmed with pain. My head gets distracted with trying to quantify things. But my soul knows. It always knows.

10687117_881733382402_5166556558486601293_nWhen my grandfather transitioned, I felt a part of my heart go with him. I felt very alone and scared. Grandpa was one of my protectors. I stopped sharing this fear with others. The first people I opened up to taught me to swallow my big emotions. Only share the positive ones. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Put on your big girl panties. Stop being so sensitive. It’s not a big deal. Why are you always so dramatic. I was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realise that I wasn’t surrounded by love.

Since it’s Veteran’s day… and it’s 11/11, I need to share some words. My spiritual friends are mostly talking about portals, stepping into new power. Letting go of the old. All sorts of magic. I know my grandfather is still protecting me. I know that unicorns exist. I know that I’m loved and I’m unquestionably magical. Sometimes I still question my health. A few years ago, a Psychology PhD told me that if I’m the only sane one amongst a sea of crazy, then I am in fact the crazy one. It’s a matter of context. Context is everything. I should always be mindful of my surroundings. As I reflect on that today… I cannot help but just honour a few things.

ME. This chapter of discovery has been difficult. It’s been filled with ups and downs. Plot twists. Daily opportunities to practice self-care. Daily opportunities to detach with love. Daily opportunities to find the light in the dark and the dark in the light. Daily opportunities to love my big emotions… all of them.

My soul tribe. These angels continue to show up in the most not-so-random ways. A new one reveals themselves every few days. Apparently my soul continues to reach out to people around the world. I’m blessed. I’m learning so much about myself through interactions with them. My attachment styles vary depending on who I’m dealing with and the level of trust I chose to offer. I still tend to side with animals or people that do not speak English. It’s then when I’m forced to observe. I cannot cloud my judgement with words… Yes. I’m so blessed because my soul tribe keeps showing up.

Guardian Angels. I have a fleet of angels. I know this with 100% truth. Grandpas, Aunties, Friends and all sorts… always showing up to remind me of what I’m made of: LOVE with a side of magic.

Love bugs. This doesn’t need an explanation. They are love bugs. They love. Continuing loving when it’s hard. That’s when it’s needed the most.

As I continue to heal parts of me, I’m embracing a very difficult truth. A truth that I keep reframing and struggle to let go. Logically, I know what to do. Emotionally, I still have faith. Perhaps the focus on faith is simply to trust the process? My family has dealt with generational trauma. We are not special as most families have this problem. I refuse to accept anything that is not love. And standing in this truth has come at a very steep cost. My entire family. Do I love them? Yes. Do I miss them? Yes. Do I wish that things were different? Yes. Is there anything else I can do? Nope. Well, correction. I can continue to love myself and heal myself. By healing myself, I’m healing the relationship with them. Maybe? I love everyone with a pure heart. As I honour this exact moment, I can also say that sometimes I need to love people from a distance. Today, that distance stings. Whether it’s loving my guardian angels from the clouds or loving my family from a few towns over… I know that they love me in the only way they know how. I cherish them for loving me in their own way. At the same time, I wish they knew they were capable of peace and the love they deserve.

Everyone deserves to be loved unconditionally. Everyone.

I’m learning how to receive love. Just as important as offering it. The art of receiving… Happy Holiday. Hug a Vet and allow them to hug you back (Grandpa Corvo is hugging me and I’m loving every minute of it). The art of reciprocity.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #DomesticViolence #GenerationalTrauma #Understanding #Forgiveness #SelfCare #Love #Family #Recovery #InvisibleWounds #Reciprocity

Whats love got to do with it?

The Universe has been super chatty lately. Or I’ve successfully quieted my internal world to hear the messages. Perhaps, I should give myself more credit go with the latter… I’m in a safe place and surrounded by love. Sometimes others are offering love and sometimes, I’m just love bombing myself. That’s my current vibe for the moment… people are not competing with one another for a spot in my world. They are competing with how I love myself… and my self-care game is starting to be on point regularly. Finally.

Looking back, I’ve gone from not having a voice to using my voice for just about every single time that I have felt slighted. Now I’m stepping into a space of knowing when to use my voice. I’m not proud of the times that I bit back but I forgive myself as it’s part of the process. I’m still re-wiring my core belief system. The pieces are finally coming together. I was getting annoyed with posts about positivity. I was getting annoyed with posts about unconditional love. And it hit me today, my issue is because love was weaponised. Toxic people have used my love, or the love of others, to cause me harm.

Weaponising love is unacceptable.

A few weeks ago, someone told me that I was no longer allowed to openly process with him. I appreciate the boundary being set, the truth shared and can shift my energy towards people that love ALL parts of me. I openly process just about everything. My tribe. My family. My people know when to let me blabber on (most of the time I’m not even looking for a spitfire session or feedback, I just need to voice the tug of war within). To be honest, I enjoy open processing because when I’m talking about the difficult stuff, the simple look on someone’s face tells me everything I need to know. Generally speaking, I’ve dissociated so I am not aware of the extent of hard stuff. I’m mostly in autopilot. It’s not good or bad. I am unable to digest the depth because it’s just another thing to work through. If that makes sense. Even today, I laugh at myself for being able to talk about extremely hard things with a smile on my face. Part is because I’m grateful that I’m here to talk about it and part because when you dissociate, you don’t really understand the depth of pain. Like my father threatening me with a loaded gun. Externally, people will say OMG. Internally, I’m saying, ‘well, he didn’t pull the trigger’ and deep down, it’s too much for me to comprehend that my father is hurting so much that he felt it was acceptable to do such a thing. Blinded by his own pain.

I’m a reformed people pleaser (and reformed enabler). It’s not ok that he’s hurting but that’s for him to sort out. My responsibility is my recovery. I continue to work through my pain. It’s a process.

I digress.

When love is weaponised. My momma bear has been visiting me the last few nights in my dreams. It’s been taking me every ounce of my being to not pick up the phone. A mentor even suggested that I pick up the phone just to say, “Hello. I miss you and wanted to make sure you are ok?” As much as I would love to claim the strength for that, I’m not at that point (yet). I’m ok with talking to the clouds. I’m also ok with throwing energy into a crystal (thanks for the suggestion). I’m ok with lighting a white candle each night and wishing for her peace of mind and to feel the love of the Universe. She’s still in my daily prayers. What I’m not at peace with is having a conversation about the weather. Or when asked “How are you?” only responding with “I’m good. and you?” I want to share everything. The people I’ve befriended, my house, my kitchen garden, my various hustles. She’s my person and I’m used to sharing everything with her. But I can’t. Her boundary is “do not share anything with me unless you are OK with it being shared with your brother and father.” Reminder: my father tried to kill me. So, yeah…

Does my heart hurt, yeah. My love is pure and so the last 448 days or so has been rough. In the last few years, I’ve been working though quite a bit. Earth angels keep telling me that the more I heal myself, the more healing will take place with others within my family. I’m not sure I understand but it’s worth a shot. Now I have even more motivation to continue my inner work.

My father and brother double teamed my mommabear and weaponised her love. They are masters of creating lose-lose situations. Sometimes I resent my awareness to see this clear as day. Sometimes I’m angry that she allows it. Sometimes I’m hurt by the truth that she prioritises the game playing over protecting me. Most days, my heart hurts as I feel the need to protect her before protecting myself. But each day, I’m offered a decision. And I decide to love. Always choose love. Choosing to love myself is not always easy. It’s a daily practice. I still have inner work to do.

I do not agree with people that have caused me harm. I understand. I do not agree with people that hurt other people. I understand. I do not agree with weaponising love. I understand.

I’m a reformed people pleaser. Love has been weaponised. I’m so incredibly blessed for the magic makers that are helping me redefine love AND those helping me feel loved on a whole new level.

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Recovery #SelfCare #DomesticViolence #InvisibleWounds #EmotionalAbuse #Family #OneDayAtATime

Love Bug Jess without a care in the world

The message that been sitting in my heart the last few days has been REDEFINING family. I’ve mentioned it a few times and now it’s an unshakable part of my world.

I consider myself an expert at building. I’ve built communities and families all around the world. I’ve created a world for myself in China, Hong Kong and Singapore. Coming back to the USA has been one of my most challenging builds. I think mostly because when moving to new countries, it’s building from scratch whereas coming “home” was adding a layer of “do I fix old or let it go”. I don’t handle rejection very well and have realised that it’s because I was still rejecting parts of me. I was betraying myself. I found it immensely difficult to love certain parts of me.

I’m in a constant state of wanting to be loved but not wanting to be around others. People have been trying to control me for as long as I can remember. Anything from flat out saying ‘you cannot do this or that’ to planting subtle seeds of ‘I prefer it when you do this or that’. If you love me, you love ALL of me, not just the parts that are convenient for you. And the control was hardly asking with intention to understand, it was telling with intention to get me to change.

I’m a reformed people pleaser.

My current wave has been interesting. It’s been filled with people that are speaking to my soft points. The points that I’m trying so hard to love. My quirks. Even though I’ve been writing letters of gratitude to myself, there are points that I’m not always aware of. And my current wave is filled with people holding up mirrors. Giggling with me. Loving me so much that I remember to love myself. Honour myself. Celebrate myself.

Last weekend, it was in terms of a discussion of masculine & feminine energy. I felt masculine and others spoke (and saw) my feminine. It feels nice to be seen.

Throughout the week, it’s been drawing pictures of hearts on the mirror and my housemates drawing smiley faces inside the hearts and then pacman eating the ghost. It feels nice to be seen.

Currently, it’s people that I’ve shared a few insecurities with that are supporting me by  asking what I need. Sometimes, I’m not sure what I need so it’s nice to be asked. It feels nice to be seen.

I’m all up in my feels this morning. Just tickled to know that I’m cultivating a tribe. I’m finding my family. The last few seasons have felt incredibly lonely. I very much enjoy my own company. Family has been a huge part of my world that without it, I felt my life lost meaning. I know this is not true but that’s how I’ve been feeling. And so knowing that each day, I’m getting closer to building, closer to finding, closer to being seen by the right people. People that hold space for my authentic self to come out and play. The love bug Jess that doesn’t have a care in the world.

The fighting Jess needs to rest. And rest only comes when family shows up. And I am starting to trust that I’m finding my family. My heart is so full right now.

My heart still hurts for the tremendous loss of my momma bear. I miss her very much. Working through this pain is manageable because of the presence of some incredible people that are pulling me into their tribe and being present to be part of my family. My redefined family.

The journey continues…

Emotional wellness spot-check: this is where I was last year.

#Resilience #Recovery #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #OneDayAtATime #Family

Dear Head, I love you. Sincerely, Heart

Oh hay girl! I see you. I admire you. I love you. Gosh has it been a week. It’s that time to take a step back and take your own advice. Are you ready for the love bomb that is about to be dropped? *wink*

Dear Head,

I know you are clever. I know that you are constantly looking for ways to connect the dots. You are so good that sometimes you connect dots that don’t exist. You are pretty magical. You want things to work. I admire that. Very much. This time, I was the clever one. I appreciate you always being there to protect me. Sincerely. I love you in every aspect of the word. The last few weeks, I very much appreciate you standing next to me. We have been working together. And it’s ok. It’s safe. And we are back to dancing. We are back to laughing. We are even back on vibe with some of the people we admire most. People that comment on the giggle. The ones that comment on the spark being back. The fire within that shines bright. The ones that acknowledge (and celebrate) the cheeky smile in our eyes. We are back on vibe. We know our tribe and sometimes forget all that is magical within. It’s these people, sprinkled around the world that speak to different parts of us. Cheering along the way. They are making their presence known. Once again, to simply remind us of all our glory and all the magic that is within.

Last night, all the pieces fell into place. Even though we have been standing next to one another, I had a plan that I could not share with you. The sheer mass of the current undertaking. If I let you in on it, we might not have been able to take action. This needed to start from me (heart) and now we will finish together (head+heart=team). I need you. I need us to be a team. I need us to gently dance together. We started a series on Linkedin. Over the course of 2 years, we shared over 3.5 million words related to domestic violence. And the recovery from it. And now, we are encouraging dialogue on linkedin. Domestic Violence in the workplace… starting this conversation on the world’s largest professional platform. Thank you for allowing me to take the lead. Sometimes the only way to start is with my lead.

And now I need you. We need you. Jess needs us. Jess is in the midst of crushing another goal. Planting seeds in the minds of very influential people.

So to move forward, I want to thank you. Thank you for being present. Thank you for standing near. Thank you for knowing when to stand firm and when to let go. Thank you for protecting me with something fierce. I come out to play because I know you will always protect me. We are about to embark in one of the most magical seasons ever. And before we take that step, I just want to say THANK YOU for allowing me to be me. Talk, type, share, isolate, dance, cry or sing… you’ve allowed me to do whatever I needed for us. And for that, I wanted you to know that I appreciate your presence.

I love you. Let’s crush this goal, together.

With love,

Heart

The journey continues…

#Resilience #Alignment #Gratitude #Recovery #DomesticViolence

Lost in Trauma, Gained through recovery.

I’ve been spending a great deal of time on LinkedIn. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 2017, I started public speaking workshops for teenagers. 2018, I had a bunch of purging on facebook. 2019, I’m doing awareness on LinkedIn. Officially it’s the last platform to break my silence.

I know that I’m loved. I know that there are so many eyeballs watching me. I know that some are wishing that I continue to suffer. But there are more that are quietly cheering me on. They cringe with my sidesteps but mostly they are supporting me with finding the humour in my behaviour. I continue to break cycles that no longer serve my highest self.

I help people. I inspire people. I run a few businesses. I’m about to embark on a new hustle and each week, I’m presented with new opportunities. None of that is as important as finding my tribe. Breaking my silence on LinkedIn has been beyond powerful. This is my high functioning group. The creme de le creme. The people (similar to me) that have been exposed to domestic violence but 1. don’t talk about it so it’s virtually impossible to identify it. 2. think that emotions are unnecessary and live & die by the saying ‘one-time shame on you, two times shame on me’. 3. Can also admit to a personal mantra as being, ‘It’s not personal, it’s business’ and know exactly how to flip that switch. It’s self-preservation. I know these people and can identify them because I am one of them.

It took me 20 years of conditioning and 11 years of active abuse to figure it out. Nearly 3.5 million words later, I’m still cleaning up parts of my life. Can I run a business? Yes. Can I pay my bills? Yes. Can I have functioning interpersonal relationships with HEALTHY people? The operative word being healthy. How exactly do we define healthy? *smirk*

Am I still allowing toxic people into my space? Once identified, they are removed. Am I losing my shit when people push a trigger? Nope, not my business. I feel the feels and do the things. Always doing the things… but now feeling the feels whilst doing the things.

I loved to dissociate. I didn’t see this as being good or bad. I see it as being clever. I see it as being functioning because most days, I’m surrounded by unhealthy people. But those rare moments… the moments where my guard comes down. A compliment is shared. From heart-centre. My inner child comes out to play. I’m having more of those moments as of late. I take everything very serious. Friends are usually laughing at me. Screenshot 2019-10-21 at 6.14.29 PMSerious Jess means that I don’t feel safe. All things considered, since being in Chicago, when I shared my heartbreak, I would have a penis thrust into my personal space (thanks fb for the reminder – see the tangent for Sweetest Day 2018). Other times that I shared my heartbreak, I was told to just get over it. Be positive. Focus on the good. Today is much different. People are kind. I’m finding my tribe.

I’m 2 years into a healing process. 2 years. To put everything into context. I moved to ground zero of my trauma. My mission, to figure it out. #JourneyToPeace.

In the first year, I lost my father and my brother. Those were difficult truths to accept but manageable. The second year, I lost my mother. This was a devastating truth. This nearly shattered me. Abuse 101, specifically psychopath abuse… when an abuser can no longer control you, they control how others view you. My mother went from being my mommabear, my person, my go-to for everything in life to a stranger. She is now someone that doesn’t think my existence is worth anything. Clouded by her pain, she’ll take that truth to the grave. She allowed others to get into her head and affect her heart. If she’s happy, then I’m happy. Deep down, if she’s happy then she did one hell of a great job at pretending to care about me for 33 years. That’s a truth that I struggle with every single day.

But still, I’m sharing my truth and picking up coaching clients on a semi-regular basis. Sure, I still deal with people that are wasting my time. I also deal with predators that use my blog as a roadmap on how to hurt me. But those are far and few between. The majority of people in my world are well-wishers. I’m forever protected by a handful of guardian angels. Regularly, I feel their presence. My Grandfathers, my Godmother and Dave. I’m sure there are more but those are my regular protectors.

And today, I honour a message from a magical soul. I had sprinkled out love into the LinkedIn world earlier in the day. This friend liked one of the comments. I sent her a text “You are by far magical in every sense of the definition” and her response “Love seeing what you’re doing… people who need to hear your voice are finding you, and I love seeing it!”

What I lost in trauma, I’m gaining through recovery.

The journey continues…

#DomesticViolence #Resilience #Recovery #EmotionalAbuse #MentalWellness #OneDayAtATime

There is NOTHING simple about doing the work.

Every once in a while, the Universe decides to spinkle my life with amazing people. To be fair, my life is filled with amazing people. Sometimes I allow my emotional pain to sit in the drivers seat preventing me from seeing things for what they are and people for who they are. With all the heartbreaking things in this world, I prefer to dance around Jess world. I prefer Jess world because even if it’s a magical bubble, people are kind. They are love. And being in this world allows me to be my true self. A goofy, quick-witted, love bug that believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. When my days get difficult, I still prefer to reach out to the clouds. I’m starting to reach out to others…

Tonight was delicate moment. It was a moment when I would reach to call my mommabear. It was a moment where I was aware that jumping on the interwebs would land me in a rabbit hold of webMD. I noticed white mold on my green onions and my mommabear has a green thumb. She would have been my go-to. To share my obsessive-compulsive, slightly neurotic insistence to remove the mold and figure out how to protect my plant. If she didn’t have the answer, then we would giggle whilst googling together. Tonight was a day that I was doing the work.

I held space for myself. I let out a cry of sadness that is also a cry for self.

I miss my mommabear every.single.day. Every.single.day. Sitting with myself and observing my emotions. Acknowledging where to love myself just a bit more. This is doing the work. Acknowledging that last Friday, I sat at a train station for 2.5-3 hours debating on jumping on the BNSF. To run to her. Just to share news that I crushed my audition. Another instance of me running there. But who is running to me? This truth is overwhelming. Almost feels like a tsunami of loss. I’m still grieving. And this week, I’m in my kitchen, replanting. Gardening was a shared hobby. Her garden was one of the most beautiful gardens I’ve ever seen. There are so many things to honour and celebrate. I was nominated to be on some humanitarian influencer list… specifically for my work in recovery after domestic violence. The nomination is framed as ‘championing PTSD’ (not even a hashtag that I use but it’s such an honour to be seen by the community that I serve. In addition to that, being asked to be a global spokesperson for a humanitarian group (again for my work within the domestic violence space). And the last part… to honour a gigglefest last night that covered everything from I want those 2 minutes of my life back, healthy boundaries with unhealthy people, does karma take suggestions? all the way to sharing insights of what my #BeYourOwnHero programme actually is… and figuring out how to modify for the military. So many positive things happening in my world. So many magical people. And today, my ego can list all the things that qualify me as a decent human being and yet, my heart feels like a complete failure as a daughter. Logically, I know that their trauma is their trauma. My heart struggles to accept it. At this exact moment, all I know is that I miss my mommabear. I miss my person.

My heart hurts. Today, my heart hurts.

(THIS is an articulation of what is happening within. And as I take a hot shower, I remind myself to be gentle. To love myself. To shift from asking myself “I wonder what she is doing” to “Jess, where do you need to be loved right now”. THIS is when I have an ugly cry in the privacy of my own house. I acknowledge everything from fear of rejection to reminants of inadequacy. So many things cropping up. None of it truth. It’s my trauma. Observe. What’s my behaviour. Am I slipping into old habits. What is serving my highest self. Isolation. To tend to my heart. The mind is fierce. The ego is here to protect. The heart just wants to love. Another layer of disconnect… and holding space for my head & heart to reconnect…  To protect and to love.

My heart hurts. Today it hurts. The ego wants to protect it. But there is nothing to protect. They are sitting together. The ego is witnessing the release of… another layer. Another opportunity to connect to self. Another depth of connection.

The process continues…

#TraumaBond #CoDependency #Resilience #Recovery #OneDayAtATime #THISisTheWork #DoTheWork #BeYourOwnHero #SelfCare #Family

%d bloggers like this: