Letter of Gratitude: Paramedic

Dear Jim,

I knew but I didn’t know why your energy was pulling me in. At first, I thought it was just because helpers know how to help people and I needed help to know how many people were in the race. You helped me. It’s always a good day when you come across other helpers. But then we started chatting. You helped me with a few things that were not as obvious… you helped me reach a deeper level of inner peace.

I’m in a sloppy heart space at the moment because I’m trying to convince my heart of something that I have been avoiding for quite some time. I know that my line of questions was telling and yet you happily jumped around all topics with great ease. Thank you. I always feel grateful when people can understand the connectedness of ideas in very unconventional ways. You are a butterfly. An absolutely beautiful soul.

You asked a question “What do I need?” I don’t really need anything. I want a lot of things but I don’t have any needs. I want certain people to stop suffering. I want others to find their peace. I want my heart to come to terms with something so I can officially remove myself from a psychopath’s web of deceit. But do I need anything, I still remain, no. There is nothing in the world that I need.

During a time where I’m getting what seems like a mountain of criticisms for redefining family, you were a quiet whisper that family is about love, loyalty, and respect. Nothing more or nothing less.

So, thank you. Thank you for watering a seed that I’ve been protecting. A seed that defines family in a healthy way. Thank you for reinforcing a concept that I’ve been wrestling with for a few weeks. Thank you for speaking to my heart.

With love and gratitude,

Jess

#LetterOfGratitude #LetterToHeal #Light #Love #KindredSpirit #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticVIolence #JourneyToPeace

 

Maintaining Grace through Emotional Abuse

The biggest compliment other than THANK YOU for making me feel worthy … are comments on my GRACE. Yes, grace. Most days, I honestly feel like a bull in a china shop. As a matter of fact, a few months ago, I was using the hashtag WILDEBEEST because that’s how I perceived myself. Lawless. Without thinking. Pure emotion. Protect those I love with unquestionable force. Don’t stop until the enemy is destroyed.

Is that grace?

Meh.

What I realised is that my perception of me demonstrating anything other than submission to an abuser was in fact out of line (and therefore not graceful). I was still using their dysfunctional lens. I was allowing them to control me. I was allowing them to shame me into fitting into a box. A box.

But I don’t fit into a box. I took a step back. I started viewing myself like Cookie Lyon. She’s strong. She’s sassy and Cookie takes ZERO bullsh!t from others. She only messes with you if you get in her way. So I asked a trusted confidant: Am I anything like Cookie Lyon? Am I fierce? Am I sassy?

The answer was ‘NO. You are too polite to put someone in their place.’

Interesting. Maybe I am graceful?!

What is grace? Is it sticking my nose in the air when someone tries to interrupt my healing? Is it grace by wishing the abuser well and sending a shout out to the heavens to settle the score? Is it just asking the judge and juror of karma to save a front seat when the score gets settled? Grace? Hmmm. Yes, I try to take the higher road but sometimes I get pulled into the storm. I know that I have the capacity to cause great harm. Each day, I’m afforded the opportunity to be bitter or better. I have the chance to share screenshots of people treating me poorly or actively ignoring when I ask them to stop. I have the capacity to call a spade a spade. Is there grace with holding people accountable? If framed as a lesson learned, is it graceful? Perhaps removing the name of the person causing harm is what makes it graceful?

I’m not sure. If I’m offered the opportunity to choose bitter or better, what stops me from choosing bitter?

That’s the real question: what stops me? I am an advocate for doing what’s right. I remember being told as a child, ‘Life is not fair’. Who decides what’s fair? Why does setting a healthy boundary feel funny? I still remain that if I need to have a conversation on how to be a decent human being, then the person probably should not be in my world.

My new challenge is to not allow the abusers call the shots. Setting firm and fair boundaries. I find that I’m still flip-flopping between who defines firm and fair. I know what it’s like to be surrounded by love and each day it seems that my circle expands with healthy people. Each time that I’m unsure of my grace, I have a handful of people that I check myself against. The first thing they say is “I’m proud of you.”

Healing isn’t easy and rather than be hurt or acknowledge recurring pain, I’m simply going to train myself by saying, I’m appalled at the behaviour of people trying to abuse me.

Perhaps if I keep the language at ‘appalled’ then it’ll help me cut this last chord. At the end of the day, they keep saying they love me but love doesn’t hurt and I do not accept their definition of love anymore.

Besides, perhaps they are right. It’s not them, it is me. I grew up and decided I was worth more.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticVIolence #EmotionalAbuse #Understand #Accept #LetGo #JourneyToPeace

 

Gaslighting? Trangulation? They are BOTH exhausting.

I’m tired of having the circular conversations. I’m tired of picking up the pieces. I’m tired of reminding others of why I’m value added. I’m tired of looking at motivational quotes and thinking CLEARLY THEY GREW UP WITH A NON DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. I’m also tired of taking courses where I have to remind myself that narcissists, sociopaths AND psychopaths do NOT have good intentions.

But mostly, I’m tired of trying to convince others of their value to the world.

My current situation is watching, first-hand someone being abused. I’ve done everything possible to get her to open her eyes and I keep failing. The wounds seem to be too deep. The abusers simply won’t stop. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel completely helpless. I feel her cry for help but I cannot get around her resistance to grow. I’ve tried to help from a spiritual space when the physical world doesn’t work.

One of the courses that I’m taking (support my rebuild) discusses our core belief system. They talk about the difference between BELIEFS, FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, OPINION and then TRUTH.

I know that my abuse is truth. That doesn’t change. It is what it is. What I’m starting to figure out is that it’s a bunch of abusers. A web of dysfunction. I’m trying really hard not to throw that word around but it’s consistent. It keeps happening. The easiest of requests are met with resistance. My wellness should not make others angry but it does.

I successfully removed 2 people that were causing harm. When I say remove, I mean from my heart space. This means that when they come out to play games, it doesn’t have an effect on me. When they were family members, the games used to nearly flatline me. But now, I can identify and even anticipate what their next move will be. It’s sad in a textbook type of way. It broke my heart to have to spend time reading up on psychopaths. The evil in my biological brother’s (BB) heart is more evolved than my biological fathers (BF). It’s darker. It’s intentional and he doesn’t stop when someone cries. At least with BF, he backs down when someone starts crying. That’s enough for him to know he has control. With BB, I’m convinced that he’s trying to kill someone. I’ve been talking about abuse since October. I’ve been VERY open about everything and November was a 30-day challenge that allowed me to get comfortable with being vulnerable. I still have to take a deep breath before hitting publish but each day gets easier. I judge myself less…

But seriously, BB’s evil is so dark. From an energy perspective, it’s a bottomless pit. From a physical perspective, it’s a winter night in the middle of summer. Part of me wants to give examples of the darkness but part of me fears that it’ll just increase the abuse towards his own mother. So I’m conflicted. Do I purge the pain in my heart knowing that I’m giving him tips on how to level up his abuse or do I just save it for my diary and email to a friend for safekeeping (so that everything has dates). Again, his goal appears to have someone killed. Either self-inflicted demise or from a person with demonstrated uncontrollable anger. Either way, his obsession is also his biggest displeasure. He is void of emotion and the moment he knows you have him pegged, he needs to destroy you. I already poked the bear and I’m 100% confident that he’s reading these words. (He has an unhealthy obsession with me). Odd that he cannot manage to keep my name off his lips or stop cyber stalking me and yet he is too much of a coward to have a direct conversation. I will admit though, the time stamps on messages when I call him out are usually within minutes of me hitting send. It’s kind of sweet.

I have to remind myself of the game. He’s carefully waiting for me to outline things simply so he can run to mom and say that he’s the victim because I’m attacking him on my blog. The ironic thing is that he’s not even on my radar. Unless he’s manipulating mom in some way, I don’t give him a single thought. So when I had to deep dive into my emotions, most of the stuff related to him is pure indifference. I cannot think of a time that he was supportive so there is nothing to miss. There was no change of persona. He has been self-serving since day 1.

When we were growing up, we had to clean our bedrooms before we could go outside. We would agree to help one another and we always started with his room. I helped him then he would not help me. Instead, he would just go outside. Later, I was babysitting and he was pushing my buttons. I needed him out of my face because I was starting to get mad and I told him to go sit in the bathtub. He decided to grab blankets and pillows and sit in the bathtub until mom got home. I didn’t get into trouble, everyone just laughed. No harm meant or caused. In highschool, he was obsessed with FUBU. Jerseys were US$150. Mom refused to buy him one and he asked me. I bought him a jersey and he resold it for a profit. (He’s been a self-serving hustler for as long as I can remember). In highschool, I was dating a soccer player and he cheated on me. Normal brothers would defend their sister but he didn’t; teammate trumps family. In college, I called him when my heart broke and same reaction. Indifference with a dash of ‘why are you calling me?’ When he started his Amway business, I handed over ALL my contacts with notes on how he can pull them onto his team. I made numerous offers for him to visit me in Asia. He refused unless I would also sponsor his girlfriend. When I landed my corporate job, he went around and told people that I slept my way into the position. Classy. One year for Christmas, he gave me a purple hooded sweatshirt that I still wear (purple is my favourite color). When he was working at a jewelry shop, everyone in the family ended up with some fancy pieces, I had earrings, a ring, and necklace. I think the stone was called mystic fire. Very pretty. But then there are also the years where he convinced our parents to buy him a car as an early graduation present. And then the year that he had BF so twisted that the only thing BF was thankful for on Thanksgiving was BB’s girlfriend wanting to be part of the family. It was our last Thanksgiving with Grandpa Corvo. After BF put a loaded gun in my face, BB called me a few days later asking why I didn’t call him. I said that I didn’t know what to say and I needed support. He hasn’t been supportive so why call? I made a special trip home for his college graduation.. I guess, I cannot really say that I missed having a brother because I cannot really remember a time that he was a decent example of being a brother. Maybe I’m missing something…?

I’ve racked my brain to figure out the wound that he simply cannot get over. I remember he called because he wanted a business contact. BB wanted an intro. I said that I’d introduce them but first he had to have a conversation with me. It’s not just give me the name and see ya. It’s hey sis, how are you. banter. catch up. Sure, here is the name and contact details. That’s when he lashed out, “I don’t like you. I need something. Are you going to help me or not?!” And that was the last phone conversation I can remember. That happened in 2012.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyAbuse #Dysfunction #LetGo #JourneyToPeace

 

Awareness Saved My Life

I’m a 30 something-year-old Chitalian-American that has spent the last decade living and working in Asia. I’m rarely without some sort of stretch goal. This current chapter is addressing 13 years of emotional & mental abuse from a family member. Mental wellness is close to my heart. I intentionally focus on the wellness rather than the illness because I want to empower people with things they can control. Most things in life are manageable because of my strong sense of self and constantly increasing awareness. Am I am bipolar (or are my emotions valid)? Do I have ADHD (or have I perfected the skill to use my energy in multiple projects at once)? Do I have deep seeded anger issues (or is it an intolerance to people trying to harm me)? Am I broken (or actively processing 13 years of abuse)? Depends whom you ask, the abuser (or me)? Awareness Before Change. If the intention is set to wellness, all the pieces in life can fit together nicely!

Here are some examples how focusing on my wellness has helped me achieve success.

Professionally, when I wanted to be indispensable, I targeted a Fortune 500 company and I worked backward. I acquired an entry-level position and created ways to add value until I earned a spot in the corporate headquarters in 2011. My last role covered 38 businesses across 140 locations around the world.

Spiritually, when I realized that I was living without a specific purpose, I worked on aligning my conscious and subconscious and worked backward. I explored various types of religion, meditation, and holistic healing methods. I felt most at home with Vipassana. I’ve been a practitioner since 2014.

Athletically, when I wanted to test the limits of my body, I signed up for Ironman and worked backward. I learned how to swim, I bought a bike, and I applied 20 years of running experience to multi-sport training. My first Ironman competition, I crushed my 2016 race with a finishing time of 12hrs18minutes.

Emotionally, when I realized that I was conflict avoidant, decided to acknowledge and process my pain. I removed all my coping methods and worked backward. I developed new tools. Writing became essential for deep healing and rebuilding my confidence.

My current goal: empower people with tools to protect their MENTAL WELLNESS (things they can control).

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #Recovery #SelfCare #SelfLove #JourneyToPeace

Reiki Journey

My toolbox is constantly expanding. I was first introduced to Reiki in 2009 or 2010. I was in Singapore and having dinner with a friend. We were celebrating my birthday and started having a conversation about chakras. My friend commented how I had a strong bond with the spiritual world. He was testing his theory by creating uncomfortable situations. Each time I felt threatened, I subconsciously called on my grandfather for help. Without hesitation, my grandfather [spirit] showed up. To me, it felt like a warm blanket. To my friend, it was a spiritual presence warning him to back off.

I’m well aware this sounds looney tunes. I thought my friend was crazypants. He told me I need to work on harnessing my inner light so my grandfathers could enjoy the next realm in peace. He compared me to a lighthouse. He said that until I learn how to close my chakras, I would attract both positive and negative energy. Similar to a lighthouse. Considering this was my introduction to the spiritual space, it’s understandable why it took me so long to surrender.

For the longest time, I struggled to understand non-tangible concepts.

Years passed. I still had the ability to fill a room with warmth and create safe places where complete strangers would share their life story. People regularly turned to me for help, personally and professionally. If triggered, I also knew how to make a room super cold. I loved my ability to spread the love with my light and I resented the darkness that seemingly came with the territory..? I thought I was just magnifying whatever energy was around me. Again, I needed to close my chakras.

As I increased my self-awareness, I noticed my circles filling with people in the spiritual healing space. I started noticing messages from the Universe. I didn’t think I was a healer but I knew how to make people feel less alone. I also knew how to make people believe in magic. On most days, I was even able to be at complete peace in a highly dysfunctional situation. Admittedly, I was operating in autopilot.

2014

Then, in 2014, a perfect storm happened at a Vipassana retreat in Singapore. A few of the women were Reiki practitioners. I had plenty of questions. But still, I resisted the craft of Reiki. My mind was starting to open to this space. Still, I had my reservations.

2016

In 2016, my space was clouded by someone practising black magic. I didn’t understand the energy but I could feel him trying to access me. It felt like someone punched me in the face and that caused a ripple effect/vibration down my body. I called a friend and he said, “I think you are being spiritually attacked.” He taught me how to cut cords and connect to the Earth (grounding). He also taught me a few visualisation techniques, mantras and how to cleanse my energy at the end of each day. Again, I thought my friend was crazypants. BUT still, I called him for help. I didn’t understand what was happening but I trusted him and followed his instructions. He helped me navigate this spiritual space…

2017

Then last year, I needed to develop new skills. New tools. I was turning into my pain. I was acknowledging 13 years of emotional abuse and I needed help. I didn’t know what type of help I needed so I kept my mind clear. From unexpected places: A picture of a lighthouse; Random birds literally sitting next to me; Lack of interest to read another self-help book; Massive sensitivity to just about everything – food, tv, people, weather… sound. I felt things on vibrational levels. I googled holistic healing techniques and Reiki kept cropping up. My ears would perk up when other people used certain words. Meditation. Yoga. Gratitude. These circles all seem to have at least ONE  person going on about the benefits of Reiki. But still, I thought of Reiki Masters as being healers. I wasn’t sure if that was my calling. But it was a season for developing new tools so I said why not? I surrendered.

I signed up for an online course. I learned the formal structure. I started practising on myself and then others. I currently use Reiki to help keep myself in a healthy space to add value when I’m dealing with other abuse survivors.

Each person is on their own journey. And the thing I love most about Reiki: energy does not lie. People can tell you what they believe to be true but energy cannot lie. The deeper I get in my own personal healing journey, the more value I find in helping others. The more confident I get with understanding the connectedness of it all, the more respect I have for the spiritual space. The Universe has immense power and the flow is incredible. The more I acknowledge that I’m merely a vessel that allows energy to run through me to help others, the closer I get to align with my true purpose.

Reiki certified. Different paths, same results.

Screenshot 2020-01-29 at 2.27.30 PM

 

 

Healing Overdrive: Understand – Accept – Let Go

I’ve realised that my morning writing is calmer (and more accepting) than my afternoon writing. This is an interesting reflection because it means that I’m allowing the dysfunction of the day affect me.

By no means am I an abuse expert in the textbook context, however, I’m an expert on experience. I’ve been through some pretty dysfunctional things. I’ve had to accept certain truths that were simply absurdly difficult to wrap my head around. I didn’t think they could possibly be true. How could that much evil actually exist? Surely my mind was playing tricks on me.

Part of the abuse that I experienced was the messaging that everything was my fault. When someone lost their temper, it was my fault for not keeping my mouth shut. (this is verbal abuse with intended result to silence me to accept terrible behaviour). When someone ignored me, it was my fault because they were simply trying to be respectful of my comfort. (this is intermittent abuse – or stonewalling as a means to punish me for not acting in the desired way). Most of the time, it was my fault simply because I was breathing.

I’ve already indirectly illustrated the family dynamics a few times. I’ve also educated myself on how to deal with various forms of dysfunction. My main focus is on psychopaths (the answer is just don’t. you’ll never win in game playing against a psychopath). BUT I firmly believe that knowledge is power so I embrace this as an opportunity to learn and grow. I will soon be an expert on another evil and can thank them for offering me the additional experience to put my learning to good use.

33076888_10100440342147932_5397253043152486400_oI spent the weekend talking to various mental health experts, hanging out in support groups and then reading some new books. On social media, I joked that I need to devour books faster than these people can devour souls. So clearly, I had my work cut out for me. My process. Understand – Accept – Let Go.

Breaking this processing down.

Understand. Why must I understand? What do I need to understand? Is this a need or a want? Why do I need the validation? Why can’t I just jump to the acceptance stage? The answer: I’m still rewiring my core. Each time that I set a healthy boundary from someone of my past, I’m greeted with resistance. Logically, if I say NO to something, my words should be respected without question. However, I’m still in a web of people that think their wants are more important than my needs. So I’m programming this part of my being. I’m aware of it and slowly walking away from people that don’t understand the fundaments of what it means to be a decent human being. The only people I still experience disharmony with are somehow connected to my family. I’m not sure of the root cause. So until I can make that differentiation of cloudy intentions, I’m asking questions and observing. Each day, I get closer to understanding the beauty in my heart and take measures to fiercely protect myself from people trying to cause harm. When I’m in understand mode, it means that I’m struggling to detach my emotions. (Logically abuse is NOT valid but I’m detangling emotions of thinking it’s my fault so until I reach pure detachment, it’s a tug of war).

Accept. There are some repeat offenders that I simply have ZERO hope they are able to be a decent human being. People from my younger years. People from my family. People that are masters of deception. They talk a very good game but they fall short with execution. My heart still wants to believe that these people are worth having patience for. I struggle to acknowledge that love does not conquer all. My core programming is that people are good. I dip in and out of acceptance. When I’m in acceptance mode, it means that I have successfully acknowledged that sometimes, there is ZERO good in them. There is no silver lining. There is ZERO need for me to continue to harm myself. By allowing dysfunctional people into my space, I allow them to hurt me. Acceptance means they will never change. This is a VERY tricky stage in my healing journey. I’m constantly reframing to make sense of things. Example, rather than having a brother with massive hatred, I [now] view him as being obsessed with me. This helps me understand addiction. And addiction is an awful thing. And articulating that my brother has an addiction to me is the same thing as my brother trying to cause disharmony in my world. Same result, just softer and more accepting perspective. He needs help. But addicts can only be saved if they acknowledge they have a problem. Is this framing fair? I’m not sure but it helps me accept that it’s not my battle to fight or soul to help. He must help himself.

Let go. To be honest, I don’t give most people time of day. They hardly sneak into my subconscious. They are not on my radar for months at a time. Their existence is not part of my world. They only surface when they are playing games. They only get back on my radar when they actively inject themselves into my world. The channels they use to inject themselves have historically been through my mommabear. She’s my strength and my weakness. People wishing to harm me know this and use her as a tool on a regular basis. They hurt her to hurt me. Abusive text messages. Silent treatment. Oddly enough all abuse comes from the same source, her son. My ability to identify this and articulate it helps me to detach. He’s not a part of my world. He decided in 2012 that he didn’t want a relationship with me. His decision. Not mine. His. And my ability to see clearly that he’s the catalyst for causing disharmony is the last stage to help me let go. He desires my attention but he refuses to have a direct relationship. It’s all very odd.

Rather than drive me crazy with he’s doing this or he’s doing that. Or even why is mom’s viewpoint towards me changing after she spends time with him. Or my favourite when he twists her mind to go from easy going and love based to impossible and fear based. He’s the only factor. I’ve been testing, observing, watching, and collecting data to identify patterns. I know this to be true based on a series of manipulative blows.

The journey continues. Those meant to love us are usually the ones trying to harm us. And understanding the dynamic and it’s depth of dysfunction, it’s so much easier to progress to acceptance and eventually let go.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyAbuse #Dysfunction #BehaviourDisorders #Understand #Accept #LetGo #JourneyToPeace

Dear Family that stood still

Dear Family that stood still,

I would love to credit you for doing nothing but your inaction was actually an action. The responsibility of an adult is to protect children, whether they are your own or not. It’s your responsibility to protect people that are unable to protect themselves. I’m pretty sure this is outlined in the book on how to be a decent human being.

All snarkiness aside, I’m no longer angry with you. I spent years angry at the fact that you didn’t deem my life worthy of protecting. I spent years questioning if perhaps you were right. Then I fell into denial. I told myself that if the abuse was actually happening then surely the people that are meant to protect me would step in? Perhaps all the abuse was exaggerated; It couldn’t be as bad as I thought because otherwise, you would have protected me.

Then my heart just broke. Pain set in. My heart broke because of the depth of my love and understanding. I reached out to a great number of you at various times and no one helped me. I was confused because I thought, well maybe they didn’t help because they really didn’t know. But when I told you in confidence, asking for help, you turned your back on me. Why? Why didn’t you think I was worth helping?

It’s taken me quite a bit of time to face some truths. I still do not agree that you deserted me in my time of need but I understand. I understand that you viewed me as the most powerful spirit in the family and my asking for help was just me not having faith in myself. You deserting me was actually a gentle nudge to encourage me to grow into the person that I was meant to be. A warrior… of love.

I also know that you knew the depth of dysfunction. At a time when words turned into actions, I dunno how I would have addressed the abuse either. It amazes me that you knew the abuse was much deeper than just my father. It was a sibling (pot stirrer) that refused to let people heal. Just when things started improving, the psychopath created disharmony. You saw this much faster than I. Your refusal to help me is what saved me. The only way out was to leave the country. I see that now. So thank you.

If not for the collective standing still, I dunno where I’d be right now. The family failed me, family friends failed me, the court system failed me, the Downers Grove police failed me, the judges failed me, the black market gun trade failed me… and the drug dealers (read DOCTORS) failed me. Individually, each act was harmless but together, the result was unaccountable domestic violence. An act of aggression against a daughter. An unhealthy obsession with a sister. An escalation of aggressive words into a life-threatening action. And even after that, the trauma continued with various family members still feeding the anger rather than help temper it. *Shakes head*

I accept this reality. I forgive your inaction. I also forgive those still actively trying to cause harm. Whether your actions were intentional or not, active or passive, I forgive you. I also understand the obsession… I am pretty magical 🙂

I’m entering a season where I’m no longer willing to outline why things are dysfunctional. I’m no longer willing to express why my heart hurts. I’m no longer waiting for an apology that I know you are unwilling to offer. I simply offer my forgiveness to you for causing me harm.

To all the people that turned their back on me in the last 13+ years all the way to the people still actively causing trouble, I know there is a hole in your heart. I know that your cup of love is not filled. I know that you acted in the best way that you know how but I also know that you had so much more potential. My trust was misplaced and I learned my lesson to not put myself in such situations.

My heart hurts for my broken family but it hurts more that you were so clouded by your own pain or perhaps fear of my abuser(s) that you simply couldn’t be the person that I needed.

I hope when the time comes that your children or grandchildren need help, that you have learned to know how to step in. I hope (for their sake) that you learned how to fill your cup of love and find the strength to protect those you love from those causing harm.

Because it’s a difficult concept to process when you tell me, “Jess, I love you” but when I asked you for help, you turned your back on me. I wouldn’t wish that lesson on my worst enemy. It’s a completely dysfunctional definition of love and unless the words mean something, they shouldn’t be said, especially to a child.

Love doesn’t hurt.

Conflicted but healing,

Jess

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #Abuse #LetGo #FlyingMonkeys #SilenceIsAcceptance #StandUp #NoMeansNo #Alliances #HealthyRelationships #LetterToHeal #JourneyToPeace

Happiness + Peace = JOY

About a year and a half ago, I was waiting at a bus stop in Singapore. I was having the most delightful conversation with a new friend. She runs a company focused on JOY. I operate from a place of happiness. Only when I’m aligned do I actually harness JOY.

I didn’t realise this nuance during our conversation. I thought happiness and joy were one of the same. My friend looked at me as if I was magical. I thought she was crazy. I knew the depth of pain within but I also knew how to control just about every single aspect of my being, including the energy I was projecting and absorbing. I made it a mission to project love and kindness as much as possible.

Since this last year has mostly been breaking all my habits of autopilot, rewiring my core belief system, and weeding out the people that are not helping me grow in some way… it’s been a challenging year.

But also a very meaningful and purpose-driven year.

See, I didn’t know but I knew. I was avoiding my deep seeded pain. When I attended a Vipassana retreat, I was greeted with a person similar to my father. Pure anger. When I was running my own business, I was greeted with people similar to my brother. Pure self-serving. And when I was volunteering, I was greeted with people like my mommabear. Pure suffering. My being had huge reactions both in the positive (protector) and negative (defensive) in these situations. I didn’t understand why. There was a reason why I was drawn to certain situations over others but I didn’t understand why.

And then as my mind and heart started to clear. The fog was dissipating. The abusive fog. The dysfunctional fog. I started to understand the difference between happiness and joy. And all along, it’s been part of my hashtags. #JourneyToPeace The element of peace was the missing piece to the puzzle. Peace is about acceptance. It’s not about trying to fix anything. It’s about accepting the reality of a situation. No longer holding onto the potential. In my case, the potential being that people that have been abusing me will suddenly be decent human beings.

I realised that when society claims that psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists lack a part of their brain (or perhaps consciousness) to understand the harm they cause, I call BS. Anyone that has had a relationship (family or romantic) with this type of dysfunction knows that the abuse escalates. It escalates because of the decision of the abuser to desire control. And to desire control at all cost. They are aware of what they are doing. They know it’s wrong otherwise, they wouldn’t need to lie. They know it’s wrong otherwise, they wouldn’t need to play games. They know it’s wrong otherwise they wouldn’t need to isolate people. See, I believe that they (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists) not only know it’s wrong to cause harm to others, they take great joy in causing the disharmony. (Re-read this last sentence).

I believe that they (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists) not only know it’s wrong to cause harm to others, they take great JOY in causing the disharmony.

Bold statement. If happiness is a fleeting emotion. One can still achieve happiness despite deep pain. Joy is once that pain is accepted and dissolved. Joy is a consistent state of being.

So apply this to both the abuser and the person being abused.

For an abuser. If they take great joy in causing harm. Then it means they are at peace with causing harm. They know it. They accept it. They actively create situations of chaos. They enjoy the drama. They enjoy the dysfunction. They are already in a state of Joy.

For someone being abused. If they accept that the people causing them harm will never change, then it’s easier to let go. Once they accept that these people enjoy causing them harm, it becomes easier to walk away. That’s a tall ask. I’m not going to lie. Accepting that people close to you enjoy seeing you in pain? Accept that people close to you go out of their way to cause harm? Accept that evil exists?

Yes. Evil does exist. And unfortunately, love cannot overcome certain types of evil. If an abuser gets joy from harming another person, then they will protect their joy with a fierceness. It’s dysfunctional but it’s pretty basic.

So shifting the tides and maintaining focus on my personal healing. I have not yet reached joy. For me, joy is coming to terms with the fact that I waited for YEARS for people in my family to change. I’ve suffered in silence. I’ve done my best to fix things. But I realised a few weeks ago that things can only be fixed when both sides want to fix it. And unfortunately, I’m the only person trying to fix anything. The other side takes joy in thinking that I’m suffering. So it’s a discussion of their joy (hurting others) or my joy (finding peace and accepting they will never change).

Today I know happiness and the deeper I dive into my pain, the closer I get to accept that evil exists. The people causing me harm enjoy causing harm. It’s not an accident, their behaviour is intentional. It’s conscious. It’s spiteful. It’s vindictive. It’s heartless.

And to better understand the nuances between the darkest evils, I have to keep my nose in the books and become a self-proclaimed expert on the most dysfunctional people on Earth. (psychopaths and sociopaths, not just my beloved narcissists). With knowledge, comes power. And for me, it’s the power to accept evil as they are, not their potential. They are simply rotten to the core.

The healing journey continues…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #SpiritualVampires #Healing #Purging #JourneyToPeace

 

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you” – Unknown

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

“Your abuser’s trauma does not justify them abusing you”

Say this until your heart starts to believe it. Say this until the tears stop falling. Say this until you remember compassion for yourself BEFORE others. Jess, it’s not tough love. It’s not unloving. What they are doing to you is unloving. Their behaviour is unkind. They do NOT want to fix things. What more do they need to do to prove they do not value you? What more needs to happen before you accept reality? You know who holds the gun. He lacks self-control. You know who has the bullets. She lacks self-worth. You know who is whispering ‘just do it’. He lacks a conscious. This is NOT family.

What is your bottom? Letting go is not giving up. Walking away is not quitting. Why is helping them more important than helping yourself? This year is for you. This year is for your healing. You gave them YEARS to act right. This is YOUR YEAR. So act like it. Just like every other goal you’ve set for yourself, it’s time to crush this one. Shut down that heart and get to work. It’s no longer about understanding. It’s a season for acceptance.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #TheStruggleIsReal #EmotionalAbuse #Awareness #Acceptance #Reality #LetGo #Dysfunction #Family #Healing #JourneyToPeace

Awareness before Change. Acceptance before growth.

The Narcissist’s web is incredible. Just when you think that you’ve figured out all the games, one crops up out of nowhere. Most of the time making you feel like a completely paranoid lunatic.

Remember, it’s just a game. They want a response. It’s like watching a car crash. It’s like when you are falling in a dream. It’s uncontrollable madness. Actually, it’s kind of poetic as well. The ease in which the narcissist is able to just pull on the strings and get people to play. Almost as if it’s a play. Carefully orchestrated. Masterfully manipulated. Flawlessly executed.

“I’m sorry that he’s twisted your mind and playing with your heart. I’ll call you in a few days when we can have a non-emotionally fuelled conversation.” No sooner do I say those words that I realise that even I play a role in the big show. Walking away isolates the new target. But is helping someone at the cost of my wellness a fair request? Wanting to heal is an inside job. I do not help people, I empower them. But I also have to accept if they refuse to pull themselves out of the storm, there is nothing I can do. I remind myself of the saying, “You can lead a horse to wat but you cannot make it drink.”

Have I transitioned from the scapegoat to the black sheep? I much prefer this [new] role.

Do black sheep still get abused? Do they still get blamed? Or is the beauty in being a black sheep mean that everything is disconnected? Completely? Have I detangled myself from this web of dysfunction?

I’m not sure. I’ve been trying to ride the waves and accept truths as they come. A sentence that has been playing over and over again, “I have two children. I’m not ready to par it down to one.” These words have been sitting with me for a few weeks.

My gut reaction is to question, “if that’s true then why didn’t you protect me? am I not also your child? am I not worthy of being protected?” But of course, I remind myself that when I played the role of the scapegoat, I wasn’t afforded such a luxury of being allowed my own feelings. Scapegoats are the reason for the problems. They are the root cause of the drama. It’s a matter of breathing really. Each time that I inhale is a complete annoyance to them. If I share an emotion, I’m greeted with “Jess, you are so dramatic”. If I stand up for myself, “Jess, anyone that doesn’t agree with you is an abuser in your eyes.” It’s all an attempt to keep me in my place, this is conditioning.

At the same time, my name keeps falling off their lips. So I ask myself, “if I’m nothing then why do they keep pulling me back in? More importantly, why do I allow it to continue?” I know better than to verbalise such silly questions.

It’s not a matter of understanding. It’s a matter of acceptance.

I’ve been sharing a bit on my facebook as I’ve felt that space is more controlled. It’s safer. But it’s also a lie that I tell myself because I have just as many foxes in the hen house on my social media as I have lurking around in the world wide web. Any abused person knows the more you shed light on recovery, the bigger the target on your back becomes. The more dysfunction that surfaces. It’s a continual process of accepting and removing. Accepting and removing. Accept. Remove.

Progressing my healing whilst being mindful of the personality switches of others is exhausting. Reminding myself that everyone is two people, who they are in public and who they are behind closed doors. The first step in acknowledging there is a problem is examining how they view me. When free from abusive fog, they are loving/kind. When they are in the fog, they are simply extensions of the abusers. I go from daughter to scapegoat faster than anyone can say WTF just happened. Am I still making up excuses? Justifying abusive behaviour? Should I even acknowledge this duality? Which version is the true version? Is the supportive one real? Or is the overly critical / argumentative one?

My only drop of hope is the unsolicited apology. But apologies mean that people take responsibility for their behaviour. And to them, I’m still the scapegoat. By definition, the scapegoat is at fault. So I hold my breath for something that will never happen.

Is my heart ready to accept this truth?

Everyone is on a different healing journey. I understand denial because I was in denial for a very long time. I knew the consequences of allowing my biological father in my life. I just hoped that he would take responsibility before causing me harm. If calculating from the loaded gun situation, that was just about 3,000 days ago. Just about 3,000 days ago is when a sacred trust was broken. The denial is thinking that the sacred trust was only broken between a daughter and her father. The reality is that a sacred trust was broken between all relationships, between daughter and father, between daughter and mother, between sister and brother.

Mom rightfully states that my biological brother shies away from drama. That’s only partially true. He is the one that fuels the fire of the person with anger issues. He’s the one that makes her beg for crumbs of affection and he’s the one that is constantly dismissing any sort of conversations that require a smidge of emotional understanding. But he’s also one that learns and hardly repeats the same mistakes. In 2016, he made the grave mistake of putting something into a family text (family defined as Dad, Mom, him) where he took ownership of causing trouble. This time, he did it verbally. The result was the same. I was the scapegoat, Dad was the verbal abuser, Mom was the target. Last time it was 2 days of abusive texts, this time it was 50+ hours of abusive texts. Last time, it was because I was going to get a certificate in coaching (self-improvement) and this time it was because I admitted I was raped (self-improvement). Who was the catalyst for causing the disharmony? Why is my self-improvement threatening to them?

So the question still remains, does she still have two children?

At what point do you throw in the towel? At what point does one stop waiting for someone to wake up and remember that having TWO children means supporting and protecting both children? Both children. At what point does one just accept reality rather than exercise patience and empathy. Patience for her to wake up. Empathy to understand that her rewiring goes a lot deeper. It’s a losing battle. I cannot continue to protect those that allow others to cause me harm.

Looking after my safety is not harmful to them. At the end of the day, I would not have to walk away if people just acted like decent human beings. But then again, expecting a parent to protect and support a child is having entitlement. At least in my family, that’s how it’s defined. Jess is entitled. Because to them, I’m not worthy of love. I’m not worthy of kindness. I’m not worthy to be protected. I am the dumping ground for everything that they do not want to deal with.

Another truth is voiced. I hit publish. Mom is the only one in my heartspace. Do I scrub her out too or wait for her to advance her healing? I’m not sure how much more I can endure. And this is a perfect example of emotional abuse. She acknowledges being used a puppet but fails to see who is pulling the strings.

Today she is an extension of abusers and gleefully partakes in the abusive cycle. Today, I’m not a daughter, I am a tool. At least in their dysfunctional world, I’m nothing more than a tool being used to extract an emotional response.

Awareness before Change is imperative. Acceptance before growth is powerful.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #BlameShifting #Scapegoat #JourneyToPeace