About a year and a half ago, I was waiting at a bus stop in Singapore. I was having the most delightful conversation with a new friend. She runs a company focused on JOY. I operate from a place of happiness. Only when I’m aligned do I actually harness JOY.
I didn’t realise this nuance during our conversation. I thought happiness and joy were one of the same. My friend looked at me as if I was magical. I thought she was crazy. I knew the depth of pain within but I also knew how to control just about every single aspect of my being, including the energy I was projecting and absorbing. I made it a mission to project love and kindness as much as possible.
Since this last year has mostly been breaking all my habits of autopilot, rewiring my core belief system, and weeding out the people that are not helping me grow in some way… it’s been a challenging year.
But also a very meaningful and purpose-driven year.
See, I didn’t know but I knew. I was avoiding my deep seeded pain. When I attended a Vipassana retreat, I was greeted with a person similar to my father. Pure anger. When I was running my own business, I was greeted with people similar to my brother. Pure self-serving. And when I was volunteering, I was greeted with people like my mommabear. Pure suffering. My being had huge reactions both in the positive (protector) and negative (defensive) in these situations. I didn’t understand why. There was a reason why I was drawn to certain situations over others but I didn’t understand why.
And then as my mind and heart started to clear. The fog was dissipating. The abusive fog. The dysfunctional fog. I started to understand the difference between happiness and joy. And all along, it’s been part of my hashtags. #JourneyToPeace The element of peace was the missing piece to the puzzle. Peace is about acceptance. It’s not about trying to fix anything. It’s about accepting the reality of a situation. No longer holding onto the potential. In my case, the potential being that people that have been abusing me will suddenly be decent human beings.
I realised that when society claims that psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists lack a part of their brain (or perhaps consciousness) to understand the harm they cause, I call BS. Anyone that has had a relationship (family or romantic) with this type of dysfunction knows that the abuse escalates. It escalates because of the decision of the abuser to desire control. And to desire control at all cost. They are aware of what they are doing. They know it’s wrong otherwise, they wouldn’t need to lie. They know it’s wrong otherwise, they wouldn’t need to play games. They know it’s wrong otherwise they wouldn’t need to isolate people. See, I believe that they (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists) not only know it’s wrong to cause harm to others, they take great joy in causing the disharmony. (Re-read this last sentence).
I believe that they (psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists) not only know it’s wrong to cause harm to others, they take great JOY in causing the disharmony.
Bold statement. If happiness is a fleeting emotion. One can still achieve happiness despite deep pain. Joy is once that pain is accepted and dissolved. Joy is a consistent state of being.
So apply this to both the abuser and the person being abused.
For an abuser. If they take great joy in causing harm. Then it means they are at peace with causing harm. They know it. They accept it. They actively create situations of chaos. They enjoy the drama. They enjoy the dysfunction. They are already in a state of Joy.
For someone being abused. If they accept that the people causing them harm will never change, then it’s easier to let go. Once they accept that these people enjoy causing them harm, it becomes easier to walk away. That’s a tall ask. I’m not going to lie. Accepting that people close to you enjoy seeing you in pain? Accept that people close to you go out of their way to cause harm? Accept that evil exists?
Yes. Evil does exist. And unfortunately, love cannot overcome certain types of evil. If an abuser gets joy from harming another person, then they will protect their joy with a fierceness. It’s dysfunctional but it’s pretty basic.
So shifting the tides and maintaining focus on my personal healing. I have not yet reached joy. For me, joy is coming to terms with the fact that I waited for YEARS for people in my family to change. I’ve suffered in silence. I’ve done my best to fix things. But I realised a few weeks ago that things can only be fixed when both sides want to fix it. And unfortunately, I’m the only person trying to fix anything. The other side takes joy in thinking that I’m suffering. So it’s a discussion of their joy (hurting others) or my joy (finding peace and accepting they will never change).
Today I know happiness and the deeper I dive into my pain, the closer I get to accept that evil exists. The people causing me harm enjoy causing harm. It’s not an accident, their behaviour is intentional. It’s conscious. It’s spiteful. It’s vindictive. It’s heartless.
And to better understand the nuances between the darkest evils, I have to keep my nose in the books and become a self-proclaimed expert on the most dysfunctional people on Earth. (psychopaths and sociopaths, not just my beloved narcissists). With knowledge, comes power. And for me, it’s the power to accept evil as they are, not their potential. They are simply rotten to the core.
The healing journey continues…
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #SpiritualVampires #Healing #Purging #JourneyToPeace