Day 15. Freewriting. I have been working on a few certificates. The newest skill to perfectly compliment my writing journey, is Reiki. I know many ways to maintain the harmony of my mind, body, spirit. Reiki certificate is formalising what I’ve basically been doing for years. Deconstructing what I was doing on autopilot. Another benefit from spending over a decade in Asia – the vastness of tools in my toolbox. I love Eastern Traditions/Methodologies. They are so pure. Basic. Last night, I had an attunement ceremony and I can still feel the clarity in my head. A Free flow throughout my body.
I decided to out myself with writing. I personally think I’m quite accomplished. Some of my most influential critics claim otherwise. The 2 comments I found most interesting are being called bipolar and entitled. Both projections or perhaps gaslighting… either way, they are allowed to have whatever opinion of me that makes them comfortable. ‘Bi-polar’ invalidates my emotions or sharing of my emotions so I guess you can say this blog is my way of holding onto my sanity. A productive way of saying, “FUCK OFF.” And now I’m ready to address the claim of being entitled. Yes, I think I deserve respect, kindness, and other basic human needs. Since I’m a machine *eye roll*, I’m not allowed emotions or basic needs. I cannot for the life of me understand how ‘entitled’ and ‘Jess Corvo’ ended up in the same sentence.
The abuse I’m willing to acknowledge lasted about 13 years. I’m fortunate the abuse took place when it did. Still a minefield. There is a direct correlation between the intensity of abuse and my growing independence. I haven’t accepted financial support (or gifts for that matter) since I was 18 years old. College tuition (part) was paid for by my family and I paid off the student loans. Promotions were earned through grit, not my body. Worth noting, I only have love in my heart for the abuser(s) because they simply loved me in the only way they know how. I can easily judge their actions by their dysfunctional emotional processing but I promised myself to keep my journey about me, not them. I’m in the zone.
My first book is a collection of letters of gratitude. The book is written. Not yet published but it’s written. I haven’t decided what to do with it. Part of me feels that publishing the letters invalidates the worth of the words and the other part feels that my value to the world is my words, so naturally, they need to be shared. Wait, is that my ego speaking?!
My second book is the meat and potatoes of my life. It’s my story in its entirety. Full throttle. This is my masterpiece in the making. I will not rush it… I am still in the process of deconstructing my being. Making myself vulnerable to get the max impact of my words. I don’t want to just share my story… I want the reader to feel my journey. The beauty of the ups and downs. The pain converted into passion. How I learned to dance through the chaos… 2 weeks ago, I wrote 89k words. Last week, I wrote 48k words. Combination of freewriting, targeted writing, emails, and social media. That’s a lot of words…
I spent over 20 years doing sports. These are the building blocks of my life. I learned work ethic, grit, goal-setting, failure, resilience, all the character-building parts of life. Block out the noise and focus on the goal. Make sure it’s a stretch goal… the best ones are the ones you need to grow to achieve. State. Nationals. International Business. Right-hand girl for a millionaire. Global Corporate Affairs for a Fortune 500 company. Small business owner. Ironman. Lady of Leisure. Everything is a stretch goal.
I played around with my spiritual journey. Started in high school with Catholicism (my family) and Mormonism (I was meant to marry my best friend’s brother). As an adult, I dabbled in Buddhism (college), Judaism (friends) and then read the Koran (work). I don’t subscribe to formal religion because I think all achieve the same goal, universal love and compassion for others. My religion is love. My set of rules is meditation. I have actively been meditating for 3 years, Vipassana speaks to me. Observe the body, master the mind. It’s simple. It’s pure. It’s basically scientific. Most importantly, it resonates with me and it works.
My current experiment, break my own heart to let the light in. I’m not healed. I enjoy lying to myself that I’m OK with certain Fuckery. I’m not. I have a lot of coping mechanisms. I also have triggers. My last panic attack was in July. My last verbal lashing was in September. Rather than trust people to stop pushing my buttons, my mission is to remove the buttons entirely. Completely dissolve them. Forgiveness of self, reliving the pain, a self-inflicted breakdown…whatever it takes to achieve my goal. Considering there are A LOT of frenemies just waiting for me to show imperfections, I opted to throw myself into the deep end. No safety net, just raw writing every morning for NaNoWriMo. 30 days of sharing my morning intimate thoughts. Uncensored. I already see improvement in my writing… I’m 15 days into the process. Up until this month, my writing has been extremely controlled…at least the writing that I share with the world is heavily edited. I’ll most likely have all the material [needed for my book] completed by the end of the month but I’m not rushing this process. I’m enjoying the roller coaster of emotions. This journey is absolutely beautiful.