I’ve realised that my morning writing is calmer (and more accepting) than my afternoon writing. This is an interesting reflection because it means that I’m allowing the dysfunction of the day affect me.
By no means am I an abuse expert in the textbook context, however, I’m an expert on experience. I’ve been through some pretty dysfunctional things. I’ve had to accept certain truths that were simply absurdly difficult to wrap my head around. I didn’t think they could possibly be true. How could that much evil actually exist? Surely my mind was playing tricks on me.
Part of the abuse that I experienced was the messaging that everything was my fault. When someone lost their temper, it was my fault for not keeping my mouth shut. (this is verbal abuse with intended result to silence me to accept terrible behaviour). When someone ignored me, it was my fault because they were simply trying to be respectful of my comfort. (this is intermittent abuse – or stonewalling as a means to punish me for not acting in the desired way). Most of the time, it was my fault simply because I was breathing.
I’ve already indirectly illustrated the family dynamics a few times. I’ve also educated myself on how to deal with various forms of dysfunction. My main focus is on psychopaths (the answer is just don’t. you’ll never win in game playing against a psychopath). BUT I firmly believe that knowledge is power so I embrace this as an opportunity to learn and grow. I will soon be an expert on another evil and can thank them for offering me the additional experience to put my learning to good use.
I spent the weekend talking to various mental health experts, hanging out in support groups and then reading some new books. On social media, I joked that I need to devour books faster than these people can devour souls. So clearly, I had my work cut out for me. My process. Understand – Accept – Let Go.
Breaking this processing down.
Understand. Why must I understand? What do I need to understand? Is this a need or a want? Why do I need the validation? Why can’t I just jump to the acceptance stage? The answer: I’m still rewiring my core. Each time that I set a healthy boundary from someone of my past, I’m greeted with resistance. Logically, if I say NO to something, my words should be respected without question. However, I’m still in a web of people that think their wants are more important than my needs. So I’m programming this part of my being. I’m aware of it and slowly walking away from people that don’t understand the fundaments of what it means to be a decent human being. The only people I still experience disharmony with are somehow connected to my family. I’m not sure of the root cause. So until I can make that differentiation of cloudy intentions, I’m asking questions and observing. Each day, I get closer to understanding the beauty in my heart and take measures to fiercely protect myself from people trying to cause harm. When I’m in understand mode, it means that I’m struggling to detach my emotions. (Logically abuse is NOT valid but I’m detangling emotions of thinking it’s my fault so until I reach pure detachment, it’s a tug of war).
Accept. There are some repeat offenders that I simply have ZERO hope they are able to be a decent human being. People from my younger years. People from my family. People that are masters of deception. They talk a very good game but they fall short with execution. My heart still wants to believe that these people are worth having patience for. I struggle to acknowledge that love does not conquer all. My core programming is that people are good. I dip in and out of acceptance. When I’m in acceptance mode, it means that I have successfully acknowledged that sometimes, there is ZERO good in them. There is no silver lining. There is ZERO need for me to continue to harm myself. By allowing dysfunctional people into my space, I allow them to hurt me. Acceptance means they will never change. This is a VERY tricky stage in my healing journey. I’m constantly reframing to make sense of things. Example, rather than having a brother with massive hatred, I [now] view him as being obsessed with me. This helps me understand addiction. And addiction is an awful thing. And articulating that my brother has an addiction to me is the same thing as my brother trying to cause disharmony in my world. Same result, just softer and more accepting perspective. He needs help. But addicts can only be saved if they acknowledge they have a problem. Is this framing fair? I’m not sure but it helps me accept that it’s not my battle to fight or soul to help. He must help himself.
Let go. To be honest, I don’t give most people time of day. They hardly sneak into my subconscious. They are not on my radar for months at a time. Their existence is not part of my world. They only surface when they are playing games. They only get back on my radar when they actively inject themselves into my world. The channels they use to inject themselves have historically been through my mommabear. She’s my strength and my weakness. People wishing to harm me know this and use her as a tool on a regular basis. They hurt her to hurt me. Abusive text messages. Silent treatment. Oddly enough all abuse comes from the same source, her son. My ability to identify this and articulate it helps me to detach. He’s not a part of my world. He decided in 2012 that he didn’t want a relationship with me. His decision. Not mine. His. And my ability to see clearly that he’s the catalyst for causing disharmony is the last stage to help me let go. He desires my attention but he refuses to have a direct relationship. It’s all very odd.
Rather than drive me crazy with he’s doing this or he’s doing that. Or even why is mom’s viewpoint towards me changing after she spends time with him. Or my favourite when he twists her mind to go from easy going and love based to impossible and fear based. He’s the only factor. I’ve been testing, observing, watching, and collecting data to identify patterns. I know this to be true based on a series of manipulative blows.
The journey continues. Those meant to love us are usually the ones trying to harm us. And understanding the dynamic and it’s depth of dysfunction, it’s so much easier to progress to acceptance and eventually let go.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyAbuse #Dysfunction #BehaviourDisorders #Understand #Accept #LetGo #JourneyToPeace