I’m tired

I’m tired of having the circular conversations. I’m tired of picking up the pieces. I’m tired of reminding others of why I’m value added. I’m tired of looking at motivational quotes and thinking CLEARLY THEY GREW UP WITH A NON DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY. I’m also tired of taking courses where I have to remind myself that narcissists, sociopaths AND psychopaths do NOT have good intentions.

But mostly, I’m tired of trying to convince others of their value to the world.

My current situation is watching, first-hand someone being abused. I’ve done everything possible to get her to open her eyes and I keep failing. The wounds seem to be too deep. The abusers simply won’t stop. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. I feel completely helpless. I feel her cry for help but I cannot get around her resistance to grow. I’ve tried to help from a spiritual space when the physical world doesn’t work.

One of the courses that I’m taking (support my rebuild) discusses our core belief system. They talk about the difference between BELIEFS, FEELINGS, THOUGHTS, OPINION and then TRUTH.

I know that my abuse is truth. That doesn’t change. It is what it is. What I’m starting to figure out is that it’s a bunch of abusers. A web of dysfunction. I’m trying really hard not to throw that word around but it’s consistent. It keeps happening. The easiest of requests are met with resistance. My wellness should not make others angry but it does.

I successfully removed 2 people that were causing harm. When I say remove, I mean from my heart space. This means that when they come out to play games, it doesn’t have an effect on me. When they were family members, the games used to nearly flatline me. But now, I can identify and even anticipate what their next move will be. It’s sad in a textbook type of way. It broke my heart to have to spend time reading up on psychopaths. The evil in my biological brother’s (BB) heart is more evolved than my biological fathers (BF). It’s darker. It’s intentional and he doesn’t stop when someone cries. At least with BF, he backs down when someone starts crying. That’s enough for him to know he has control. With BB, I’m convinced that he’s trying to kill someone. I’ve been talking about abuse since October. I’ve been VERY open about everything and November was a 30-day challenge that allowed me to get comfortable with being vulnerable. I still have to take a deep breath before hitting publish but each day gets easier. I judge myself less…

But seriously, BB’s evil is so dark. From an energy perspective, it’s a bottomless pit. From a physical perspective, it’s a winter night in the middle of summer. Part of me wants to give examples of the darkness but part of me fears that it’ll just increase the abuse towards his own mother. So I’m conflicted. Do I purge the pain in my heart knowing that I’m giving him tips on how to level up his abuse or do I just save it for my diary and email to a friend for safekeeping (so that everything has dates). Again, his goal appears to have someone killed. Either self-inflicted demise or from a person with demonstrated uncontrollable anger. Either way, his obsession is also his biggest displeasure. He is void of emotion and the moment he knows you have him pegged, he needs to destroy you. I already poked the bear and I’m 100% confident that he’s reading these words. (He has an unhealthy obsession with me). Odd that he cannot manage to keep my name off his lips or stop cyber stalking me and yet he is too much of a coward to have a direct conversation. I will admit though, the time stamps on messages when I call him out are usually within minutes of me hitting send. It’s kind of sweet.

I have to remind myself of the game. He’s carefully waiting for me to outline things simply so he can run to mom and say that he’s the victim because I’m attacking him on my blog. The ironic thing is that he’s not even on my radar. Unless he’s manipulating mom in some way, I don’t give him a single thought. So when I had to deep dive into my emotions, most of the stuff related to him is pure indifference. I cannot think of a time that he was supportive so there is nothing to miss. There was no change of persona. He has been self-serving since day 1.

When we were growing up, we had to clean our bedrooms before we could go outside. We would agree to help one another and we always started with his room. I helped him then he would not help me. Instead, he would just go outside. Later, I was babysitting and he was pushing my buttons. I needed him out of my face because I was starting to get mad and I told him to go sit in the bathtub. He decided to grab blankets and pillows and sit in the bathtub until mom got home. I didn’t get into trouble, everyone just laughed. No harm meant or caused. In highschool, he was obsessed with FUBU. Jerseys were US$150. Mom refused to buy him one and he asked me. I bought him a jersey and he resold it for a profit. (He’s been a self-serving hustler for as long as I can remember). In highschool, I was dating a soccer player and he cheated on me. Normal brothers would defend their sister but he didn’t; teammate trumps family. In college, I called him when my heart broke and same reaction. Indifference with a dash of ‘why are you calling me?’ When he started his Amway business, I handed over ALL my contacts with notes on how he can pull them onto his team. I made numerous offers for him to visit me in Asia. He refused unless I would also sponsor his girlfriend. When I landed my corporate job, he went around and told people that I slept my way into the position. Classy. One year for Christmas, he gave me a purple hooded sweatshirt that I still wear (purple is my favourite color). When he was working at a jewelry shop, everyone in the family ended up with some fancy pieces, I had earrings, a ring, and necklace. I think the stone was called mystic fire. Very pretty. But then there are also the years where he convinced our parents to buy him a car as an early graduation present. And then the year that he had BF so twisted that the only thing BF was thankful for on Thanksgiving was BB’s girlfriend wanting to be part of the family. It was our last Thanksgiving with Grandpa Corvo. After BF put a loaded gun in my face, BB called me a few days later asking why I didn’t call him. I said that I didn’t know what to say and I needed support. He hasn’t been supportive so why call? I made a special trip home for his college graduation.. I guess, I cannot really say that I missed having a brother because I cannot really remember a time that he was a decent example of being a brother. Maybe I’m missing something…?

I’ve racked my brain to figure out the wound that he simply cannot get over. I remember he called because he wanted a business contact. BB wanted an intro. I said that I’d introduce them but first he had to have a conversation with me. It’s not just give me the name and see ya. It’s hey sis, how are you. banter. catch up. Sure, here is the name and contact details. That’s when he lashed out, “I don’t like you. I need something. Are you going to help me or not?!” And that was the last phone conversation I can remember. That happened in 2012.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyAbuse #Dysfunction #LetGo #JourneyToPeace

 

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