Dear Biological Father, Please stop.

Dear Biological Father,

I know you are hurting. I know that you are in pain. I know that you are failing with tools to manage your pain. I still do not agree with how you continue to lash out at other people, but I understand.

A number of people told me to cut my losses with you after you put a loaded gun in my face. To them, that action was a dealbreaker and when you stopped being my father. To me, your careless act was you needing help and simply failing at managing your own pain. I offered you multiple chances for over a decade to address your anger. I [still] believe that love conquers all. I told myself that you threatening my life with a loaded gun was just a mistake, but now, I realise the abuse is the reality. The mistake is waiting for you to change into a loving person.

One of my last correspondence with you stated that you are only allowed in my life if your words are of love. I never cut you out, I simply gave you the choice to treat me with love or know that all of your emails are being circulated to 3rd parties so they can see, the abuse first hand. I hit my breaking point and refuse to suffer in silence any longer. It’s both disappointing and empowering. Disappointing that you chose to treat me like that and empowering because I was finally able to stop you from verbally abusing me. Yes, abusing me.

This letter is to acknowledge that you might not be 100% out of my heart space but I’m getting there. Each time that you lash out, it reinforces that the abuse is the reality and me waiting for a decent father is the lie. Accepting that someone shared a blog post of me being raped resulted in you sending mom over 50 hours of abusive text messages, is overwhelming. On top of that, kind of disappointing that you never once asked if I was ok. Instead, you criticised her mothering skills, compared my sharing as advertising sex on Craigslist, and then my favourite, “Go Jess, Go to Asia. Spread your wings. Spread your legs…” These messages help me accept reality. They do. Because when I share stories of abuse, all I have to do is show them a single text and they reinforce my internal messaging that you are NOT a decent father. Fathers should NEVER speak to their daughter like that. Your behaviour is not acceptable. It is dysfunctional, irresponsible, and hurtful. See, the struggle is that I still love you. Despite your flaws, I do love you. I understand that you are in pain and until you acknowledge where that pain comes from, you are going to continue to cause harm to others. I know that you want to continue to credit me for your anger (90% me and 10% mom) but you were angry before I was born. You continue to be angry after we stopped talking. So logically, I know I am NOT the cause. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ANGER. I hope you find the strength to do the inner work to acknowledge whatever it is that plagues you.

Again, despite everything, I do love you. Accepting that I love someone that is actively and repeatedly causing me harm is not easy. Being strong enough to walk away is not easy. Disconnecting emotionally when you try to isolate me (by causing disharmony with mom is my last challenge to overcome). You have accepted that you cannot hurt me without being exposed and now you shift back to cause harm to mom. I will NEVER leave her side. I will ALWAYS be in her corner. She can put her walls up and you can twist her mind into thinking that I’m the enemy but I know she will pull herself out of the fog. I have FAITH that she might side step but she will always come back to know the truth. The truth of who loves her and who is causing her harm.

I hope that her emotional well-being remains intact because heaven forbid IF anything happens to her, I will make it my life’s mission to ensure abusive people like you (and your mastermind son) are charged with emotional distress / spiritual suicide. I told you during the divorce that if something happens to mom, I will hold you personally responsible. This is not a threat. This is not bullying. This is asking you to leave her alone. This is my last plea for you to STOP BULLYING AND ABUSING HER. You need to find a new target to bully and abuse. Mom is no longer your punching bag. She has asked you to stop in writing and if you continue to cause her harm, there will be consequences. I will make it my life’s mission to ensure new legislature is created to put (and keep) emotionally abusive people like you behind bars.

I hope you understand that I spent over a decade crushing goals to help the family. I demonstrated professionalism, endurance, and patience with achieving those goals. I have mastered channelling my anger into being productive and helping others. This will be my last request for you to STOP bullying and abusing her. I’m putting this in the public to protect myself and mom. I have also emailed you directly.

Enough is enough. Leave her alone. Let her heal.

I send you my love and hope you find your peace.

Sincerely, Jess

#OpenLetter #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #DomesticViolence #FamilyAbuse #BreakTheSilence #EnoughIsEnough #NoMeansNo #StopBullying #SuicidePrevention #Suicide #Accountability #ChooseLove #ChooseKindness #JourneyToPeace

But FIRST, Remember to Forgive Yourself

I have a LOT of conversations. I talk to myself, to others and to plants/animals. Sometimes you can even catch me talking to the clouds (those conversations are kind of sacred). And then I wait. I wait for a message. I keep my mind clear and my heart open. And I just digest things as they come.

In lieu of all sorts of people talking about forgiveness, I need to take a step back. I understand that none of it is directed TO ME but the Universe is telling me something. The messages are FOR ME. My healing journey exposes people that have repeatedly caused me harm. My healing journey also unleashes emotions that have been tucked away for over a decade. Do I forgive? Yes. Do I forget? yes/no. My mind lets go but I realised that my heart holds on. And what I realised is that each time that I have ANY reaction to another person posting about forgiveness is because I forgot to forgive myself. So it’s time for another letter to myself.

Jess – you are an incredible person. I’m so sorry for allowing unworthy people into your space. I’m sorry for allowing people to cause you harm, not just once but for YEARS. I’m so sorry that I didn’t protect you. I’m sorry that I had more compassion for others than for you. You deserve a love that is deeper than the ocean (HECK YEAH – use those words that come so easy to others for yourself!). You are a BAMF and are crushing this healing journey. Do you remember how you couldn’t watch Armageddon without crying at the scene where Bruce Willis selflessly gives up his life for the world? That scene no longer tugs at your heartstrings. Do you remember how you used to change the energy in the room when someone talked about him? Well, first off CONGRATS for having such a strong command over your power but more importantly, CONGRATS on progressing on your purification; the shifts are getting less and less. It means you are SUCCESSFULLY clearing him out of your heart space. And now that you have acknowledged another soft spot, you know where to focus the healing! Just keep at it. Each day might suck monkey balls but just think about the end result. You are fighting for your wellness. Anyone that compromises that is NOT a well wisher and is undeserving of space in your world. You have nothing more to prove. Just stay the course. Reduce the noise… and listen to the messages from the spirit world. They are guiding you… and the most recent messages that tickled my funny bone.

Let go and let God is following you. From Aunties (old school) to IG (new school). The higher ups have your back so ignore the troublemakers. Just stay focused on your healing. No one is relevant at this exact moment in time. No one. This is time for you and only you.

Inner Light (old soul). The message is that GOD doesn’t like dealing with bad karma. The worst type of karma is aggression against old souls. He considers old souls to be spiritually enlightened. Angels on Earth and he does not take too kindly to people that hurt his Angels. So rest easy Jess. You are an old soul and the Universe is on your side.

Don’t let people make their problems your problems. You are wise beyond your years and yet you are still making the same mistake. Some people need to be let go. They are trying to make their problem your problem. Certain people are causing you unnecessary heartache. You need to acknowledge and accept they are accepting of continued abuse but you are not. Let them suffer. It’s no longer your responsibility to help them.

Your heart can rest easy knowing that the Heavens are going to handle your battles. They will take care of those seeking to harm you (physically and spiritually). Just focus on your healing. Continue to purify your heart. The world needs your light. The world needs your grace. The world needs to see that smile once again. So shame on people stepping into your lane with anything other than love. Shame they will be confronted with whatever God(s) they pay homage to. Their day will come. Just keep focused on what you need to do. No more battles need to be fought. Just release it all. And right now, just purge. Remove all that pain and darkness in your heart. Clear it all out. Start each day with forgiving yourself. Forgive yourself for putting others first for so many years. Don’t stray. It’s a marathon… and we are getting close to race day. Pretty soon proximity will not affect you. That day is coming. I can feel it.

With love… and understanding.

PS: ‘Religions worship the light. Science studies the light. The mystic turns on the light.’ Keep doing you Jess, The World needs you to heal and be that light once again. A light 365 days a year, not just when you have half the world between you and your family of abusers. You got this. Keep going.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #Healing #LettersToHeal #Light #Love #JourneyToPeace

 

‘Tell me your past so I know how best to love you in the present’ – Unknown

Through my healing journey, I have acknowledged that my sharing made me feel extremely disconnected to the outside world. I had so many emotions and things bubbling up on the inside that sometimes my posts are all over the place. That’s the beauty of a blog. It doesn’t really have to make sense. Nothing is planned, I’m just removing what’s in my heart via holding myself accountable in public.

My support network is sprinkled around the globe. They didn’t agree with this current chapter but they understood that it’s something I felt I needed to do. And for that, they always answer my calls and respond to my messages. When I go quiet, they send hearts or simple messages of ‘thinking about you.’ I know that they dip in and out of my blog but I actually discourage them from reading it. It’s depressing. Sometimes I can find the empowerment in sharing but mostly, it’s just shameful to acknowledge the things that I’ve endured. Reading my blog also leaves my friends to feel helpless. Their heart breaks for me. I hate knowing that I’ve caused pain to another human being.

Through sharing, my words have been resonating with people all over the world. I get random messages from people calling me inspiring. They thank me for giving them a voice. My first compliment of the day was from India. The next heartbreaking acknowledgment is from a high school friend. With every message, there is a certain sense of up and down. My only goal is to remain just as detached from the compliments as from the painful acknowledgments of my healing journey.

Sometimes I fail but I never give up. I was reminded this morning of an old friendship. I held someone in VERY high regard. He was my knight in shining armour. I even have a letter of gratitude sitting in my draft bin (he popped into my heart whilst I was sitting on a beach on the Amalfi Coast in Italy a few weeks ago). I’ll never send the letter. I most likely will never publish it either. This friend was not allowed into the deepest part of my heart. Others thought yes but the reality is that I kept him at arm’s length. When things started getting bad with my family, I shut everyone out, including him. He understood that things were tough at home but never understood the magnitude of dysfunction. He was not the person I called when I had a gun thrust into my face (I called a sorority sister). He wasn’t the call when I needed to get picked up from the police station because I I called the police for being strangled (a lawyer picked me up). He wasn’t even the call when I had to deal with other people’s suicidal tendencies or when either of my grandfather’s passed. Did I consider him part of my wolfpack? Absolutely, without question. Did I let him into my heart space when my world was crashing down? Not a chance in hell.

I struggle with a lot of things. Honestly. I do. I keep telling people that I’m NOT perfect but they just see a powerhouse that constantly gets things done. I know myself better than anyone and completely understand the crazytown moments. I know that I struggled because I was in completely dysfunctional situations without knowing they were dysfunctional. I didn’t know what to google. I didn’t know what to ask. I didn’t know who to turn to. Each friend that I tried to explain the situation (in private) would pass it off as typical family drama. Everyone has their own problems. What they didn’t realise was that I was blamed for things when I literally lived on the other side of the world. How could I possibly be responsible for something when I’m not here? Things never made sense.

After digging through an old email exchange with this dear friend, I realised that I did try to bridge a gap for understanding. I tried to explain my family abuse. I tried to express my emotions and how I felt when he tried to take advantage of me when I was vulnerable (10+ years earlier). And that vulnerability was from a break-up. That’s childsplay compared to family dysfunction. At least in my world, they are not comparable. I acknowledged that I hurt him when I went quiet and I peeled back a layer so he could understand me better. But nothing. A year passed before he even read the email. And yet, I’m blamed for shutting people out..?!

So that behaviour reinforces a lifetime of programming (yes, I understand that I keep saying that my abuse was only 13 years but I’m lumping everything together. I’m assuming everything was bad. That’s exactly how I’m feeling that this exact moment and how best to drive the message home that my wiring, my core belief system, is that I’m not worthy). I’m not worthy to share my feelings. I’m not worthy to have anything positive. I’m not worthy of success. I’m not worthy of respect. and now… I’m not worthy of reading an email. I’m not worthy of friendship. An email where I’m reaching out during a positive time in my life (just after Ironman) in hopes to deepen a friendship.

Up until this unveiling (aka my blog), I can keep on one hand the people that I opened up to. There was a very small group of people that knew about the pain in my heart. And when I ask why I kept everything inside, it’s simple. My heart was already broken. It was basically shattered. I was forced to accept realities from my family (consistent messaging that I’m not worthy) and my heart couldn’t bear additional heartbreak from others, especially those I considered a friend. It was easier to suffer alone and think the best of others rather than not be loved in the way that I needed.

Two quotes have been dancing in my head the last day or two. Both relevant to this sharing.

‘Tell me your past so I know how best to love you in the present’ – Unknown

“The Victim who is able to articulate the situation of the victim has ceased to be a victim: He or She has become a threat.” – James Baldwin

I hope these quotes or my sharing helps someone feel less alone. Blasting positive vibes to the Universe… directed to those fighting battles that they do not feel they can talk about.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #Rewiring #Reprogramming #Healing #Purifying #Equanimity #Love #JourneyToPeace

 

 

 

9 skills learned from Emotional Abuse

I had a few heavy posts so thought I’d mix it up with something light-hearted.

Abuse sucks monkey balls. It’s not fun. There is a lot of second-guessing, deflated sense of self, crying, isolation… all sorts of heavy consequences from abuse. But what is the silver lining? What skills were strengthened through the storms?

Attitude

Survivors are essentially conditioned to put others first. This comes in super handy for customer service roles. I know my talents were put to use as VIP concierge for a few years, globally. This attitude is perfect for customer service roles.

Mindset

Abusers rarely take responsibility for causing harm. It’s always someone else’s fault. Rather than have circular discussions on what is right vs wrong, survivors know how to redirect the conversation towards finding solutions. Sometimes it’s also finding solutions for imaginary problems. Solution-based mindset is great for operational success roles.

Readiness

Abusers like to keep their target on pins and needles. The goal is to keep them in an emotional state because it’s easier to control people when they are emotional. Emotions are not rational and rational people are not emotional. So the person being abused has to chronically think of a million ways something can go wrong as an attempt to avoid an abusive outburst. This is VERY relevant to the workplace. Crisis Management 101. Change Management. Human Resources. I capitalised on this skill to organise events around the world. Having the skill to expect the unexpected helped me reduce my risk and proactively address potential problems. Readiness is an awesome skill for strategy roles.

Well-spoken

Abuse allows you to learn so many things, especially how to use your words, intentionally. “Anything you say can & will be used against you in a court of lawless dysfunction.” A common saying within the domestic violence community. This allows survivors to be very aware and intentional with words. Example, in a recent post, I said, “I am honouring the death of xxx.” The subject was upset because they thought I was celebrating their death. Even with a quick google of the word HONOR, you can see it’s regarded with great respect. Being able to articulate situations (and emotions) not only comes in handy to diffuse abusers but this also comes in handy when managing teams where English is not the first language. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Be precise. Be intentional. My ability to use precise language and articulate processes helped when I was managing teams around the world. Awareness of words is handy for communication and HR roles.

Resilience

Do you know what it’s like to mentally and emotionally deal with someone who has been attacking you for multiple days? It sucks but it comes in SO handy when you have a heavy workload. Pressing deadline. No problem. I’ve pulled all-nighters thanks to my training. I have learned how to stay focused on the goal despite external distractions. (some might consider this compartmentalizing). Survivors of violence are basically super marathoners. They can go the distance. This is also great for high-stress environments. There is a reason why I worked in finance/commodities for so many years. High stress work environments were relaxed compared to the turmoil in my personal life. Mental resilience is a key skill for any leadership role.

Perspective

Abusers are successful because the abuse takes place in private. Some abusers enjoy knowing they caused someone else pain. Everything is a game to be seen and a game of control. Most people (myself included) were scared to make the abuse known for a few reasons; I had faith the abuser would change, I thought the abuse was my fault, I didn’t want people judging me for accepting treatment I didn’t deserve, denial. Rather than acknowledge the abuse, I told myself “It’s not that bad.” “He didn’t mean it.” “Tomorrow will be better.” “Well if there are 365 days in the year, let’s focus on those 2 phenomenal days!” This habit of finding the silver lining is PERFECT for roles in Public Relations (PR) and essentially any client-facing role. What we learn for survival might as well be useful, professionally. I know this skill has served me well for Global PR roles for about 8 years. Sunny disposition perspective is essential for PR roles.

Focus

Abusers can make you think you are at fault for something. It’s never their issue, it’s you. So once you get past the absurdity of it all, and your emotions are in check, it’s fairly easy to fall into CSI mode and figure out the root cause. For me, this skill is super useful! I can easily evaluate multiple perspectives, motivations and energy in a way to connect the dots. This helps me see big picture. The ability to find themes to behaviour allows survivors reduce exposures/threats. This helps with big data, crisis comms, & event planning. This is an extremely useful life skill to have in general! Issues management? I put this skill to use for a few years as a corporate fix-it girl – if a team had a bottleneck or issue, I was called and put on the project to simplify and clean up. VERY useful to have a reputation of a problem solver. (BTW corporate execs LOVE this skill).

Agility

Abusers create a world of chaos. Most problems are imaginary. This comes in super handy when dealing with toxic work environments. Keeping calm in a sea of chaos! Understanding what to focus on. Being able to identify what can be accomplished. People get distracted by shiny objects or by the loudest speaker in the room. Experiencing abuse allows you to discern what is relevant and what is just noise. The secret ingredient to agility is knowing what we have control over. This skill is great for operational or strategy roles.

Effective (be invisible)

Sometimes the only way to prevent an abusive episode is to be invisible. This is learned as a way to keep yourself safe… and comes in handy when executing high visibility tasks (mainly events). We know how to get things done in plain sight without being seen (or needing credit). This is useful for Corporate Affairs, Investor Relations and Crisis roles.

I’d love to hear from you guys. What habits/skills can you pull from your abusive situation?

My Eulogy

There are so many emotions around sharing this piece with the world. I actually wrote it last summer and asked a dear friend to read it in the event I was murdered. Even if we lost touch, I made him PROMISE to be the one to read my words. At that moment, I needed people to understand the depth of my love, rather than the just the beauty of my smile. I was forced to accept certain realities. No sadness. Just acceptance of raw realities. My realities. Moving back to the USA could cost me my life. I was being abused by a person with uncontrollable anger. Being in the USA carried a certain risk. The abuser already held a loaded gun to my face and the next level of abuse is to pull the trigger. Again, no sadness, just honest truth. And acceptance. I share these words because there seems to be a wave of people from Downers Grove I need to acknowledge. My healing journey is not being respected and they are putting my life in danger. Will the abuser be able to control his anger? If not, then my blood is on their hands. Does anyone actually know my physical location? hahaha NO. It’s all irrelevant. I am of sound mind. I am safe. I’m not scared. What is meant to be will be. The words below are from a place of empowerment. If anything so I can hold myself accountable to continue living up to the perception of who I think I am. So without further delay. Here is the eulogy I wrote and the message I wanted to share. I asked my friend to read it but rather than wait and see if this abuser can control his anger, I’m just going to share on my blog. This is my legacy and my contribution to the world. The depth of my love and ability to plant seeds of love and understanding.

* * *

(cough cough)

“Jessica was an incredible person. Not necessarily from this world. She was the person who was fearless on the outside but fought some pretty nasty truths behind closed doors. She trusted me during one of her darkest hours. She lost one of the last people who protected her. I promised myself I would never cause her harm. I had never seen Jess like this. Mourning the loss of her hero and protector. Being vulnerable but staying focused on her goals. Jess was always blamed for things. Her family would come down on her for everything. It seemed no one took responsibility for their behaviour. Her Grandfathers were always and unquestionably in her corner. They balanced the scales of love vs abuse. They were her heart and soul. Her lifeline for sanity and wellness.

Through it all, Jess always believed in family. She hoped the bad times would just pass. We didn’t talk about the struggle. She needed a distraction and I offered her just that. Jess loved me with something fierce. I was her safe harbour for most of her trips home. I broke a promise (the only thing she ever asked of me). I broke her trust. I admitted fault and we parted ways for a few years. Even though I broke her trust, she never once lashed out at me. She said I caused her pain. She said that we could no longer be friends but she thanked me for being honest. Somewhere during the years apart, she even sent a letter of gratitude to my parents for offering a safe place and making her feel loved. It’s not easy to admit wrongdoing to Jess. Jess demanded perfection from herself and yet made so many allowances for others. She had this ability to see the magic in others but struggled to see the magic in herself. She was the happiest person on the outside, constantly being told her existence was inspiring. The goals she crushed. The way she treated others. The fearless way she galavanted around the world. Almost as if she was protected by being a love bug. Jess defined love. Jess attracted love. Jess was love in all aspects. Jess was free when she was travelling. When Jess was home, she was plagued to love those who habitually caused her harm, an abusive family. On the inside, Jess believed the lies that she was not worthy. She believed she was a burden. She believed she was difficult. On the inside, Jess believed all the lies her family fed her.

I never understood why she gave people so many chances. I never understood her ability to forgive others. I guess Jess operated on a level most of us never understood. She believed love conquers all. She didn’t blame people for past mistakes. She didn’t even lecture you. She needed you to hold yourself accountable and believed the only way to move forward is by being honest. Her pretty brown eyes could make you melt. And her million-dollar smile… her smile was so bright you literally felt the love radiate from her being. Even her disapproving look… it wasn’t aggressive. It was almost as if she was asking “Why are you doing this? Why must you break my heart?” For the few people she let into her heart space, there was a vulnerability that just begged people to act right.

If Jess knew you were struggling with something. That would be the first problem to solve. She liked to help others dissolve their fears. She reinforced positive messaging. Anything is possible. You can do it and I’ll be here cheering you along the way. Jess is the first person that comes to mind when sh!t hits the fan. She’d do anything in her power to help ease your suffering. Jess was always in your corner. That’s the Jess I have adored for over 20 years.

Jess believed in people. Jess [mostly] believed in herself. She always had silly stories to share of her travels. Jess was able to light up any room and make people feel the magic. She always had a 3-5-7 year plan. If you asked, she could break down her life into smaller pieces and walk you through exactly how she was going to accomplish whatever goal she was chasing. She didn’t really live life in her comfort zone. She set goals most only dream about. And each goal was somehow attached to someone in her family.

Her goal of being an international corporate powerhouse. Yeah. That was because her parents were always fighting about money. Jess thought if she could solve the financial problem then the fighting would stop. So she promised her mother she never has to worry about finances. Jess would do whatever it takes to financially look after her mom. Did Jess know how to execute this promise? No. The only thing she knew was to spin the globe and start overseas. She booked a one-way ticket to Hong Kong and just made it work. Who does that? Jessica Marie Corvo.

Her goal to accomplish Ironman Triathlon. Yeah. This was because her dad was upset about missing her National Track meet. This was a 10-year soft spot so Jess decided to find some sort of athletic accomplishment to make him feel better. Did she know how to swim? No. Did she own a bike? No. She was a seasoned runner but she was a sprinter. Jess’ life was 400m at a time. How does a 400m sprinter decide to do an Ironman? Who does that? Jessica Marie Corvo.

Jess had her faults. She was very harsh on herself. And when she failed at managing her pain, she was not tolerant of any sort of BS. Most of the time, she remembered to breathe but those times when she hit her limit, she knew exactly how to cut you into a million pieces. She always had a way with words. Jess could make you feel like you were on top of the world but if you betrayed her, she could also hold you accountable and make the Earth shake. I guess it’s part and parcel because it took quite a lot to reach that point. She was always so mindful and controlled with her words.

The biggest message Jess wanted me to share was of her broken heart. She spent so many years waiting for people to change. Forgiving and allowing the terrible behaviour to occur for so long. I mean. Her biological father held a gun to her head. Her biological brother asked her what she did to deserve it. Her mother prioritized her love for a husband over protection for a child. The ONLY people to offer an unquestionable safe place for Jess were her grandfathers. They were the only people in the world confident enough to put her abuser(s) in their place. Part of Jess died when her grandfathers died. She loved them so much. I remember she was living in Singapore when Grandpa Corvo was diagnosed with liver and lung cancer. Jess came home 5 different times that year. Sometimes she spent more time in the air than on the ground. But the beautiful thing about Jess is that she didn’t see it as a sacrifice, she saw it as a privilege to have those moments with people she cherished. Did Jess love? Yes. She loved with every ounce of her being.

Jess was being spiritually attacked and was suicidal in 2014. She talked about it without talking about it. I think that’s when she realised the importance of being your own hero. That is when she realised that she was alone. Perhaps her grandfathers were still protecting her from the Heavens but this was the first time that she was forced to acknowledge that she did not have a protector. She was unwilling to speak about the family abuse. Heck, I saw her on most visits and she didn’t tell me much other than ‘he’s crazy. can I stay here tonight?’ Jess kept all the dysfunction close to her chest. Almost as if not acknowledging it meant that it didn’t happen. But her heart was broken. You could catch glimpses of her pain in her eyes.

Jess tried to fix her broken heart by showing kindness to everyone that crossed her path. She’d offer to take pictures of people so the photographer didn’t feel left out. She would share her leftovers with a homeless person on the street. Jess was inclusive and did a lot of things because it was the right thing to do. She did things to remind herself of humanity. Each time that she was in the midst of an abusive storm, Jess would think of her well-wishers and write them letters of gratitude. Who does that? Jessica Marie Corvo does that.

I know there are people sprinkled all over the world that have benefited from knowing Jess. I also acknowledge that there are some people that did not understand her kindness. Men often mistook her kindness as an invitation to be creepy. But Jess did what she needed to do to view these people as misguided rather than offensive.

Jess had such a beautiful heart and to think that we are here today because someone did not know how to celebrate her contributions to the world. Most people from Downers Grove stay in the Chicago area. Jess broke free and was able to sprinkle love and kindness literally around the world for over a decade. She planted seeds of love and kindness.

She fought some massive demons on the inside. The emotional and mental abuse that she suffered was not right. Jessica Marie Corvo was living proof that the darkest days can still yield the brightest smile. I wish that I did more to speak up but somehow I know that Jess didn’t expect anything other than love and understanding.

May her soul rest easy. I hope she is finally surrounded by love.”

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #STOPBullies #AntiBully #IAmWorthy #SelfLove #HealthyBoundaries #MyLifeMatters #Empowered #Love #Kindness #Healing #JourneyToPeace

Emotional Resilience: My recovery cycle – from 3 weeks to 18 hours !

OVERVIEW

An abuser will come out to play and try to start trouble in my lane. They will say things to get me to question my reality. They will plant seeds to get me to question my sanity. They will plant a seed to get me to question who I can trust. Emotional abuse is tricky because it plays on your emotions. It’s someone close to you that tries their best to keep you in an emotional state. If you are in an emotional state then it’s easier to control you. Emotions are not rational. Rational people are typically not emotional. Make sense? THIS is called GASLIGHTING.

EXAMPLE 1

Someone accuses me of being a difficult person. They claim I am difficult after I told them NO. Their intention is to get me to question if my current behaviour is appropriate or not. Their goal is to control me and by planting a seed that I’m difficult, they want me to take the path of least resistance and be submissive to their demand. They are creating an environment where I’m supposed to be a people pleaser (life in fear) as opposed to a free thinker (life in love).

3-week cycle: I listen to the claim. I review my own perception of reality. I scour my mental file cabinet seeking examples to validate I’m easy going and acknowledge the times I could have been viewed as difficult. Then, I reach out to a trusted friend to either validate the claim of being difficult or reinforce I’m having a normal human reaction to an abnormal human situation. After the internal validation AND external validation, I am then informed to either maintain my boundary or surrender to the abuser. This cycle used to take 3 weeks because oftentimes I chose to externally validate with people struggling with their own dysfunction. Not many are open about family abuse. I didn’t know what questions to ask? I didn’t have a label for it other than ‘this doesn’t feel right.’ I didn’t even know about emotional abuse. I was taught that sometimes people are just assholes. I didn’t understand the terms ‘gaslighting’ ‘conditioning’ or ‘projection’ or fully understand the mantra ‘not my monkey, not my circus’. My ignorance led me to seek external validation from flying monkeys (people used to reinforce abuse and distort reality). My trauma bond to my abuser led me to seek external validation to people similar to my abuser rather than loving/kind people who had my best interest in mind. I took responsibility for everything, not just my response but I took responsibility for the abuse. I thought they were right and I was crazy. I mean, why would anyone cause harm or go to such great lengths as a way to control another human being? I was trying to apply logic to a completely illogical situation. 3-weeks to process and accept. This was my life for 13 years. (Again, I need to do inner child work but I’m not ready to explore if my abuse started before then. So for discussion and healing purposes, I’m being kind with only acknowledging 13 years of being subject to this dysfunctional behaviour).

18-hour cycle: I decided it was time to acknowledge, process, and heal from abuse. I reached a point where I realised I was dating the same type of guy and it’s a direct result of my abuse. I couldn’t ignore it any longer. It was time to address my demons head-on. Accept what happened. Learn about it. Understand it. Then heal. This blog is my healing journey. I feel very grateful because this blog actually saved me. It gave me space to understand various dynamics of abuse. It made me feel connected and my readers have helped point me in the right direction for additional support (THANK YOU READERS). It’s a peaceful and respectful place filled with love and understanding. Yes, lots of pain… it’s easier to heal in a bubble of love than in a bubble of pain. So my blog has been a saving grace for me to understand various layers of myself. It took me about a year to build a solid network of well-wishers and supporters that understand abuse and the perimeters of gross dysfunction. The only way I was able to connect with these people is by sharing my story. The good. The bad. The ugly. Other people are responsible for abusing me but I’m responsible for healing. That said, I share another example and my recovery cycle.

EXAMPLE 2

My experience, abusers will come out to play in two instances. When things are going really well, they will try to find a way to disrupt your peace. OK when things are tough, they find a way to make it worse. This time, I was raped. Processing rape is humbling, humiliating, and lonely. It’s devastating on so many levels. The abuser tried to “hit me” on a few sides. 1. They judged my intentions of sharing my story. 2. They compared my story of rape as if I was advertising my sexual conquests. 3. They tried to infiltrate and isolate me from leaning into my circle of support. They saw me healing and made an attempt to disrupt my progress.

18-hour cycle: As part of the healing process, I knew this would happen so I planned for the worst and hoped for the best. Internally, I acknowledge I am processing a heavy life event. Internally, the abuser did not contact me directly meaning I successfully maintained a boundary. (It was established all emails received from this person were being forwarded to others to read the abuse first hand). I was no longer willing to suffer in silence and I was very loud about it. *A small victory.* After a moment of gratitude, I reach out to one of my support groups (narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, or addiction). I give a heads up on my situation and ask for help. I acknowledge the abuser is my father. I acknowledge he spent approximately 3 days telling my mother she raised a slut for a daughter. I acknowledge this will make it difficult for me to lean on her for support. I acknowledge I have a choice to allow this into my world or ignore it. I validate my feelings in therapy. I acknowledge another truth – I’m not isolating myself, rather someone is trying to isolate me. I remind myself the abuser is not able to emotionally self-regulate. I remind myself the abuser does not care about my well being. I remind myself of The Game. I accept a kink in my armour – experiencing anger for my exposure. I decide my response is to keep faith that love conquers all (and of course I hope my mother is able to view me as a human being rather than some powerhouse who is unaffected by abuse).

HOW I SHORTENED THE CYCLE

The worst nightmare for a narcissist is an informed empath. I’m so grateful my support groups allow me to focus on how to respond. Rather than seek validation on words being said. They help me shift focus by reminding me to understand the desired result of the abuser: to create disharmony or distract me. Once I accept everything is a game, I am empowered on whether or not to play. Does playing allow me to experience forward movement? This simple shift has been HUGE with my recovery and healing journey. Recognising I was being tested and passed! The relief of no longer seeking validation is powerful! Having a strong sense of self is powerful. The ability to allow others to say whatever they need to say is powerful. The opinion of others about me is none of my business. I maintain focus on the desired outcome: MY WELLNESS.

Self-Care Challenge: What do I love about me?

Challenge accepted. This question was posed by a friend on the interwebs. I’ve been actively processing narcissistic abuse. Some days I remember my inner awesome but most days, I question IF there is anything to love about myself. The rebuild of Self is hard. I ask myself: Am I far enough in my healing journey to have anything to love about myself? Is my perception of me the same what is projected out? It’s clear that I love life but do I love me? Am I still viewing myself through the cloudy lens of those who have abused me? Am I strong enough to dissolve comments of others and believe in my own personal AWESOME?

Well… considering I’m actively addressing & rewiring myself from over a decade of mental and emotional abuse, I’ll accept the challenge.

*Deep breath and canvass my being*

I know what I’m grateful for, but the question is what do I love about me?

  1. HEART: I LOVE LOVE LOVE the purity of my heart. This entire blog has been geared towards trying to purify my heart. I had a LOT of pain in my heart. Some posts were difficult to write and equally as difficult to re-read. Through it all, my heart still beats. That resilient muscle just beats harder when challenged. And that is probably one of the most beautiful things about me. My ability to love through pain. Love through heartbreak. Love through the ups. Love through the downs. My heart continues to beat through it all. Such a magical organ. Or muscle… I LOVE MY HEART!
  2. MINDSET: Gosh, I’ve experienced some pretty traumatic and challenging things in my 34 years of existence. And through all of it, I have still been able to find the silver lining and keep things in perspective. The recent chapter has proven to be VERY challenging as I’m not always willing to accept certain truths but I’m getting there. Slowly. This current set of goals is by far the biggest challenge I’ve set for myself thus far. Keeping perspective is the secret to success in my journey to peace. As a form of self-preservation, my mind automatically searches for the silver lining or lesson in a difficult situation. Unconsciously, I am able to compartmentalise things so I’m typically emotionally void. This year, I’m actively interrupting my thinking process. I’m allowing my emotions to bubble out [rather than supress] as a means to heal my deep-seeded pain. I continue to make mistakes every day but my saving grace is apologising once I realise I have projected pain as opposed to love. I’m still learning to be gentle on myself. I’m still learning NOT to take responsibility for other people. Today, I LOVE HAVING A MINDSET THAT ALLOWS ME TO VIEW PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS AS LESSONS. (allowing me to fail forward).
  3. My LAUGH: Seems odd but someone once said that when you laugh, it’s when you are closest to The Man Upstairs (our Creator). I believe this. I’m not religious but I believe this with every ounce of my being. Even yesterday, my laugh infected a complete stranger. It happens more times than not but for some reason yesterday, the stranger complimented me and shared a completely random and completely perfect moment of pure joy. I LOVE MY LAUGH.
  4. SAYING NO: Saying NO is a new thing to people in my past. Important to outline that I have no issue saying no to new people; it’s the people of my childhood that have difficulty being respectful (and kind). I’m starting to enjoy saying NO. I like telling people that something no longer serves me. I enjoy standing up for myself. I enjoy telling people NO if they are causing me harm. I’m not a fan of the consequences as most of the people I’ve been saying NO to as of late are from my younger years but each NO that results in a pushback just reinforces that I’m growing. I’m learning. I’m demanding the respect that I deserve. I am treated well by people around the world and now the people from my childhood are learning how to behave when I say NO. It’s a beautiful thing. I LOVE SAYING NO.
  5. CONVICTION: When I believe in something, I believe with my entire heart and soul. This is a double-edged sword but it’s one of the things I admire about myself. I often find myself alone and that’s perfectly OK because one of my mantras is “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” The cause that I’m currently fighting for is mental wellness with a focus is on recovery from domestic violence. Difficult topics to discuss and even harder processing but I know it’ll be worth it in the end. I LOVE MY CONVICTION TO SEE A GOAL TO THE END.
  6. FORGIVENESS: It happens often that I remove people from my life and I recklessly allow them back in. I keep my heart pure and forgive people almost immediately after they wrong me. I do this for my health, not theirs. Forgiveness is for ME. Part of forgiveness is letting go. I didn’t realise until recently that I was good at this. It was part of my being. Perhaps I was good at this because my abuse was too great to process any other way? Who knows. But during a dinner conversation with my mommabear, she reminded me of my ability to forgive (and forget). I need to work on remembering things and accept that some people are unwilling to change. She thinks I trust too easily and need to stop seeing the best in people… Something I’m mindful of and working on… But at the moment, I LOVE MY ABILITY TO FORGIVE.
  7. SNEEZING: Random Fun Fact about me. Each time that I’m about to write or say something that I shouldn’t, I start sneezing. Almost as if the Universe is literally disrupting my flow to stop me in my tracks. Each time that I’m about to put my foot in my mouth, I start a series of sneezes. Generally speaking, it’s just enough to bring me back to the present moment and prevent me from doing something that would warrant an apology. I LOVE MY SNEEZES.
  8. PRESENCE: The last thing that I’ll share that I love about myself is how I gamified interactions with people without knowing it. It’s almost as if I accept, as a personal challenge, to flip someone’s frown upside down. Usually, this happens in restaurants or a service-based environment. Compliments, using their name or just making them feel seen typically results in them turning their frown upside down. I had an opportunity to do this today. The woman who sat me was not having a good day. I complimented her posture. She said she was a softball player. I said she had the same presence as Powerlifters at the gym. Broad shoulders and walking with purpose. *huge compliment*. She smiled and grew a few inches taller… I LOVE MY ABILITY TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL SEEN.

I will admit, I was apprehensive about writing this piece. I’m glad I accepted the challenge. There are plenty of things to love about myself. My mind can whip out a series of things and my heart is finally starting to believe it… healing takes time. Sometimes it’s one day at a time. Other days it is one hour at a time. There is magic in my existence!

YOUR TURN! To all those on their healing journey, please leave a comment with things you love about yourself. I’d love to hear what you have to say!

Manifesting & realising magical moments

The last week has been filled with some magical moments. I’m in Italy and making friends with people that cross my path. I try not to collect contact details. My soul needs the moment to just.be.that.moment. I fear staying in touch will ruin the magic. Being love attracts love. I know that I’m in the flow and it breaks my heart each time that my kindness (or love) is interpreted as anything other than just that, purity of love. Love for self. Love for others. Love for life.

I am love.

Intimacy. Intimacy is something that is lacking in the world. It’s holding hands. It’s falling asleep with your head on someone’s heart. It’s eye contact. It’s touching another’s soul. It’s a depth that most people are uncomfortable with.

Love. Love is showing up. It’s doing something that might not be convenient but you do it anyway because you know how much it means to someone else. It’s being there. It’s selfless. It’s powerful. It solves all of life’s problems. It’s pure. It’s different for everyone… for me, it’s standing at a finish line, supporting a goal, whispering the magic into my ear when I’m overwhelmed. It’s everything and nothing. It’s being present.

I’ve really been thinking about these concepts the last few days. I’m sure that my definitions will change but at the moment, I think that Italy is a constant flow of both Intimacy and Love.

Some experiences in the last week that made me feel loved included some meetings on airplanes. An Indian Auntie (and Uncle) showed me kindness in terms of belief in my abilities to achieve any goal that I set out to achieve. Not just that but taking it a step further. I’m currently in process to compete in triathlons around the world to raise awareness for mental wellness (specifically addressing domestic abuse recovery). Auntie thinks that I should train for the Olympics. Perhaps I’ll start staring the magical conversations with kindred souls… after all, healing is a dance between focusing on the good – addressing the pain – focusing on the good – addressing the pain. Until that magical day that the pain no longer exists. I am very much looking forward to that day…

I digress…

Love… such a tough topic. Can I love others if I’m still learning how to love myself? Society seems to preach that one is only complete with another person. Society likes to prey on insecurity. Society likes to brainwash women to think that love is how much a person is able to tolerate as opposed to being treated with respect and human decency. I know that I can love others. I do it all the time. The more love I send out to others, the more it comes back 10-fold. Just this afternoon, I was sitting in a square. I was enjoying a pizza and a group of English Rugby players grabbed the tables near me. Light banter. Learned about them. Shared why I have the number 433 imprinted on my arm. As they were leaving, I wished one of the guy’s daughter luck for her first marathon and then I wished him safety as the group headed for a 5v5 rugby match in a nearby park. My new friend asked about my plan for the afternoon. I responded with: check-in the hotel, drop off my bags, then head to the Coliseum. He was eyeballing my pizza then offered a mutually beneficial offer. My last slice of pizza in exchange for an unused ticket to the Coliseum. That’s love. Pure love. I didn’t get his name. He didn’t get mine. The random act of kindness had a ripple effect. Both sides were happy with the exchange and went on their separate way.

At the Coliseum, I jumped queue THREE times. Literally, just as the crowds starting gathering, I was first in line to get shifted to a new line. Magic. The vendors were polite and informative. Not pushy. Simple “No grazie” and a smile. This is Jess World. In.The.Flow. This is love. Being connected without attachment. No expectations. A constant flow to add value to someone’s life in some small way. It’s not expected or negotiated. It just happens. When the heart is open, the good times flow.

A string of magical moments continued throughout the day.

Connected without attachment. No expectations. Just a bubble of love, giving and being open to receive. This is my favourite type of magic… creating magical moments around the world…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Rewiring #Recovery #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #ManifestingMagic #Love #Alignment #InTheFlow #ChooseKindness #ChooseLove #JourneyToPeace #Italy

Letter of Gratitude: 2018

Dear Jess,

Thank you. Thank you for finding your backbone (learning the art of NO). Thank you for using your heart (remembering compassion for self). Thank you for demonstrating patience for people of all sorts (mostly patience for self).

It’s not easy to harness the magic. It’s not easy to prevent the nostril flare. It’s DEFINITELY not easy to continue a healing journey when people are dropping landmines all over the place.

I admire your focus. You haven’t been 100% transparent on the goal other than #JourneyToPeace . I’m not entirely sure the public is ready to understand your meaning. Or rather the layers to this hashtag.

Until you are ready to share, just know that I’m proud of you for picking your battles. Admittedly, with each sharing, there is a handful of people that whisper ‘Thank you” or “it was like I was reading my story” … these people are magical and justify all this vulnerability. Vulnerability is tough man. I get it. It’s so much easier to be the excessive-goal-crushing-over-achieving-constantly-smiling-and-super-motivating-Jess but this time is to figure out how to [re]inspire yourself. I get it.

Just remember that the people causing harm are the exception to the rule. They have slipped through the cracks only because of your insistence to find the good in everyone. Sometimes good does not exist. Some people are pure evil. End of story. Their presence represents the old Jess that was tolerant of abuse. The reason for the disharmony is the new Jess has grown. The new Jess brings her head with her heart. Setting boundaries is necessary for wellness. Enforcing boundaries is necessary for self-love. Accountability for crossing boundaries is necessary to teach others how to be a decent human being. Learning how to hold people accountable without getting into legal trouble is the newest art form… ‘learn the rules like a pro so you can break them like an artist.’ (Thank you Pablo)

I applaud that you have forgiven people that have harmed you. I enjoy that you have to actively remember why someone was removed from your life. To me, that means that you have let go. You only reserve space in your heart for the good. That’s important and each time that you cannot remember a wrong committed, it’s a testament to your ability to let go. And a testament to love. Just remember to love yourself before others!!!

The current wave in the healing journey is grieving. Grieving the loss of a parent. Grieving the loss of the old self. Grieving the loss of people you thought were friends. Grieving the loss of humanity. This is a difficult wave and I know you will come out of this stronger than before…

Things are starting to get tough and I just wanted to give you a pep talk. Keep going. One step at a time… You got this. Continue to purify your heart and through that process, the people undeserving of your space will start to disappear. Just keep an inward focus. They are teachers. They are messengers. Accept the lesson and they will disappear. Naturally. Keep the faith. One step at a time. You.Got.This.

Sincerely,

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #SelfLove #SelfCare #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #SideStep #Healing #Recovery #JourneyToPeace

I am a Big Fat Liar

I was listening to the news and someone asked, DO YOU LIE?

My answer: YES.

I lie to myself every.single.day.

I tell myself people care.

I tell myself it was a mistake.

It was just a misunderstanding.

A generation gap.

A cultural difference… ignorance.

I tell myself the timing was off.

The stars weren’t aligned.

The moment wasn’t perfect.

I also tell myself hurt people hurt people. I tell myself I’m stronger than others and can withstand the abuse. I tell myself strengthening my resilience is easier than holding people accountable. I lie to myself that love is accepting all behaviour, even the abusive times. The Big Fat Lie: Sometimes love hurts.

My favourite lie is telling myself it was just a joke. When someone makes an offensive comment or throws salt into a wound I’m trying to heal, I tell myself it was just a joke. I’m too sensitive. They couldn’t possibly intend to be hurtful. It was just a bad sense of humour. The Big Fat Lie: It was just a joke.

But then there are the times I maintained a lie for a very long time. A lie I told myself multiple times a day for over a decade. This lie was the mother of all lies. The lie that turned into a mantra. It was a driving force to accomplish some pretty amazing things. The lie was etched into my soul. The Big Fat Lie: I’m OK.

The lie that hurts the most is that my biological father loves me. This lie took a LOT of convincing. The lie that my head screamed to my heart when he decided that it was more important to get high than pick me up at the airport. DAD LOVES ME. The lie that he is hurting when he held me by the neck up against the wall. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he put a loaded gun against my cheek. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he called me a slut for being assaulted. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he tore apart the family. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he turned his back on the family. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he couldn’t manage a flight to visit me in NYC but he could manage a flight with friends to Vegas. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he called me all sorts of names. DAD LOVES ME. The lies each time he tried to remind me of my place in the world. DAD LOVES ME. Gosh, this lie was the harshest of all the lies I chronically told myself. The worst part, this lie was reinforced by just about every single person in my world. The Big Fat Lie: DAD LOVES ME.

What a crock of bullshit. I have been lying to myself for as long as I can remember. I’ve disguised my lies as having a rose-coloured lens. Holding onto a belief that there is good in people. The lie that monsters do not exist, I just need to understand their perspective.

The lie: my expectations of human decency are too high.

The lie: I am not deserving of respect.

The lie: I am not worthy.

The lies. All the ugly lies. The lies helped me cope. The lies allowed me to hold it together. The lies allowed me space to breathe.

Well, a tide has shifted and for the first time in my life, I’m actively naming people I have been lying about. Each time someone steps into my lane or attempts to interrupt my healing journey, they are blasted (full name and everything) for causing me harm. Perhaps it’s not very Buddhist of me and I can accept this imperfection. I can even accept that speaking out will create an initial pushback. BUT the one thing I have learned through this last year of writing is that lessons have NOT been repeated. The group of people who cause the most distress in my world are from Downers Grove. They tend to be male. They are monsters. They do not add value to my world. I cannot even quantify their existence as a lesson because I’m using their fuckery as an example of how NOT to act.

When I post about someone triangulating, narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about someone hoovering, narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about sexual misconduct, sexual deviants think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about bullying, narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

The beautiful thing about my inability to lie to myself any longer is accepting monsters exist. And even better, is the most feared person for a narcissist is an INFORMED EMPATH.

Today is the day I stop being a Big Fat Liar. I stopped lying to myself. I have years of misconduct that I’m somewhat excited to publish. I know a handful of people have not accepted the new Jess. They only see the Jess who suffered in silence.

The most empowering layer of my healing is letting go of the need to protect those causing me harm.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #EmtionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #FuckAbuse #FileCabinetsOfShittyBehaviour #IHitPublish #Recovery #Rewiring #MyWellness #JourneyToPeace