Dear Biological Father,
I know you are hurting. I know that you are in pain. I know that you are failing with tools to manage your pain. I still do not agree with how you continue to lash out at other people, but I understand.
A number of people told me to cut my losses with you after you put a loaded gun in my face. To them, that action was a dealbreaker and when you stopped being my father. To me, your careless act was you needing help and simply failing at managing your own pain. I offered you multiple chances for over a decade to address your anger. I [still] believe that love conquers all. I told myself that you threatening my life with a loaded gun was just a mistake, but now, I realise the abuse is the reality. The mistake is waiting for you to change into a loving person.
One of my last correspondence with you stated that you are only allowed in my life if your words are of love. I never cut you out, I simply gave you the choice to treat me with love or know that all of your emails are being circulated to 3rd parties so they can see, the abuse first hand. I hit my breaking point and refuse to suffer in silence any longer. It’s both disappointing and empowering. Disappointing that you chose to treat me like that and empowering because I was finally able to stop you from verbally abusing me. Yes, abusing me.
This letter is to acknowledge that you might not be 100% out of my heart space but I’m getting there. Each time that you lash out, it reinforces that the abuse is the reality and me waiting for a decent father is the lie. Accepting that someone shared a blog post of me being raped resulted in you sending mom over 50 hours of abusive text messages, is overwhelming. On top of that, kind of disappointing that you never once asked if I was ok. Instead, you criticised her mothering skills, compared my sharing as advertising sex on Craigslist, and then my favourite, “Go Jess, Go to Asia. Spread your wings. Spread your legs…” These messages help me accept reality. They do. Because when I share stories of abuse, all I have to do is show them a single text and they reinforce my internal messaging that you are NOT a decent father. Fathers should NEVER speak to their daughter like that. Your behaviour is not acceptable. It is dysfunctional, irresponsible, and hurtful. See, the struggle is that I still love you. Despite your flaws, I do love you. I understand that you are in pain and until you acknowledge where that pain comes from, you are going to continue to cause harm to others. I know that you want to continue to credit me for your anger (90% me and 10% mom) but you were angry before I was born. You continue to be angry after we stopped talking. So logically, I know I am NOT the cause. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ANGER. I hope you find the strength to do the inner work to acknowledge whatever it is that plagues you.
Again, despite everything, I do love you. Accepting that I love someone that is actively and repeatedly causing me harm is not easy. Being strong enough to walk away is not easy. Disconnecting emotionally when you try to isolate me (by causing disharmony with mom is my last challenge to overcome). You have accepted that you cannot hurt me without being exposed and now you shift back to cause harm to mom. I will NEVER leave her side. I will ALWAYS be in her corner. She can put her walls up and you can twist her mind into thinking that I’m the enemy but I know she will pull herself out of the fog. I have FAITH that she might side step but she will always come back to know the truth. The truth of who loves her and who is causing her harm.
I hope that her emotional well-being remains intact because heaven forbid IF anything happens to her, I will make it my life’s mission to ensure abusive people like you (and your mastermind son) are charged with emotional distress / spiritual suicide. I told you during the divorce that if something happens to mom, I will hold you personally responsible. This is not a threat. This is not bullying. This is asking you to leave her alone. This is my last plea for you to STOP BULLYING AND ABUSING HER. You need to find a new target to bully and abuse. Mom is no longer your punching bag. She has asked you to stop in writing and if you continue to cause her harm, there will be consequences. I will make it my life’s mission to ensure new legislature is created to put (and keep) emotionally abusive people like you behind bars.
I hope you understand that I spent over a decade crushing goals to help the family. I demonstrated professionalism, endurance, and patience with achieving those goals. I have mastered channelling my anger into being productive and helping others. This will be my last request for you to STOP bullying and abusing her. I’m putting this in the public to protect myself and mom. I have also emailed you directly.
Enough is enough. Leave her alone. Let her heal.
I send you my love and hope you find your peace.
#OpenLetter #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #DomesticViolence #FamilyAbuse #BreakTheSilence #EnoughIsEnough #NoMeansNo #StopBullying #SuicidePrevention #Suicide #Accountability #ChooseLove #ChooseKindness #JourneyToPeace