I am a Big Fat Liar

I was listening to the news and someone asked, DO YOU LIE?

My answer: YES.

I lie to myself every.single.day.

I tell myself people care.

I tell myself it was a mistake.

It was just a misunderstanding.

A generation gap.

A cultural difference… ignorance.

I tell myself the timing was off.

The stars weren’t aligned.

The moment wasn’t perfect.

I also tell myself hurt people hurt people. I tell myself I’m stronger than others and can withstand the abuse. I tell myself strengthening my resilience is easier than holding people accountable. I lie to myself that love is accepting all behaviour, even the abusive times. The Big Fat Lie: Sometimes love hurts.

My favourite lie is telling myself it was just a joke. When someone makes an offensive comment or throws salt into a wound I’m trying to heal, I tell myself it was just a joke. I’m too sensitive. They couldn’t possibly intend to be hurtful. It was just a bad sense of humour. The Big Fat Lie: It was just a joke.

But then there are the times I maintained a lie for a very long time. A lie I told myself multiple times a day for over a decade. This lie was the mother of all lies. The lie that turned into a mantra. It was a driving force to accomplish some pretty amazing things. The lie was etched into my soul. The Big Fat Lie: I’m OK.

The lie that hurts the most is that my biological father loves me. This lie took a LOT of convincing. The lie that my head screamed to my heart when he decided that it was more important to get high than pick me up at the airport. DAD LOVES ME. The lie that he is hurting when he held me by the neck up against the wall. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he put a loaded gun against my cheek. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he called me a slut for being assaulted. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he tore apart the family. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he turned his back on the family. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he couldn’t manage a flight to visit me in NYC but he could manage a flight with friends to Vegas. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he called me all sorts of names. DAD LOVES ME. The lies each time he tried to remind me of my place in the world. DAD LOVES ME. Gosh, this lie was the harshest of all the lies I chronically told myself. The worst part, this lie was reinforced by just about every single person in my world. The Big Fat Lie: DAD LOVES ME.

What a crock of bullshit. I have been lying to myself for as long as I can remember. I’ve disguised my lies as having a rose-coloured lens. Holding onto a belief that there is good in people. The lie that monsters do not exist, I just need to understand their perspective.

The lie: my expectations of human decency are too high.

The lie: I am not deserving of respect.

The lie: I am not worthy.

The lies. All the ugly lies. The lies helped me cope. The lies allowed me to hold it together. The lies allowed me space to breathe.

Well, a tide has shifted and for the first time in my life, I’m actively naming people I have been lying about. Each time someone steps into my lane or attempts to interrupt my healing journey, they are blasted (full name and everything) for causing me harm. Perhaps it’s not very Buddhist of me and I can accept this imperfection. I can even accept that speaking out will create an initial pushback. BUT the one thing I have learned through this last year of writing is that lessons have NOT been repeated. The group of people who cause the most distress in my world are from Downers Grove. They tend to be male. They are monsters. They do not add value to my world. I cannot even quantify their existence as a lesson because I’m using their fuckery as an example of how NOT to act.

When I post about someone triangulating, narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about someone hoovering, narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about sexual misconduct, sexual deviants think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about bullying, narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

The beautiful thing about my inability to lie to myself any longer is accepting monsters exist. And even better, is the most feared person for a narcissist is an INFORMED EMPATH.

Today is the day I stop being a Big Fat Liar. I stopped lying to myself. I have years of misconduct that I’m somewhat excited to publish. I know a handful of people have not accepted the new Jess. They only see the Jess who suffered in silence.

The most empowering layer of my healing is letting go of the need to protect those causing me harm.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #EmtionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #FuckAbuse #FileCabinetsOfShittyBehaviour #IHitPublish #Recovery #Rewiring #MyWellness #JourneyToPeace

Published by Jessica Corvo

Health Coach. Mental Wellness Advocate. Ironman. Global Nomad. Warrior of Love.

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