I am a Big Fat Liar

I was listening to the news and someone asked, DO YOU LIE?

My answer: YES.

I lie to myself every.single.day.

I tell myself that people care.

I tell myself that it was a mistake.

It was just a misunderstanding.

A generation gap.

A cultural difference even.

I tell myself that the timing was off.

The stars weren’t aligned.

The moment wasn’t perfect.

I also tell myself that hurt people hurt people. I tell myself that I’m stronger than others and can withstand the abuse. I tell myself that building my resilence is easier than holding people accountable. I lie to myself that love is accepting all behaviour, even the abusive times. The Big Fat Lie: Sometimes love hurts. 

My favourite lie is telling myself that it was just a joke. When someone makes an offensive comment or throws salt into a wound that I’m trying to heal, I tell myself that it was just a joke. They couldn’t possibly intend to be hurtful. It was just a bad sense of humour. The Big Fat Lie: It was just a joke.

But then there are the times that I maintained a lie for a very long time. A lie that I told myself multiple times a day for over a decade. This lie was the mother of all lies. The lie that turned into a mantra. It was a driving force to accomplish some pretty amazing things. The lie was etched into my soul. The Big Fat Lie: I’m OK.

The lie that hurts the most is that my biological father loves me. This lie took a LOT of convincing. The lie that my head screamed to my heart when he decided that it was more important to get high than pick me up at the airport. DAD LOVES ME. The lie that he is hurting when he held me by the neck up against the wall. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he put a loaded gun against my cheek. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he called me a slut. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he tore apart the family. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he turned his back on the family. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he couldn’t manage a flight to visit me in NYC but he could manage a flight with friends to Vegas. DAD LOVES ME. The lie when he called me all sorts of names. DAD LOVES ME. The lies each time that he tried to control me. DAD LOVES ME. Gosh, this lie was the harshest of all the lies that I chronically told myself. The worst part, this lie was reinforced by just about every single person in my world. The Big Fat Lie: DAD LOVES ME.

What a crock of bullshit. I have been lying to myself for as long as I can remember. I’ve disguised my lies as having a rose coloured lens. Holding onto a belief that there is good in people. The lie that monsters do not exist, I just need to understand their perspective.

The lie that my expectations of human decency are too high.

The lie that I am not deserving of respect.

The lie that I am not worthy.

The lies. All the ugly lies. The lies that helped me cope. The lies that allowed me to hold it together. The lies that allowed me space to breathe.

Well, a tide has shifted and for the first time in my life, I’m actively naming people that I have been lying about. Each time that someone steps into my lane or attempts to interrupt my healing journey, they are blasted (full name and everything) for causing me harm. Perhaps it’s not very Buddhist of me and I can accept this imperfection. I can even accept that speaking out will create an initial push back. BUT the one thing that I have learned through this last year of writing is that lessons have NOT been repeated. The group of people that cause the most distress in my world are from Downers Grove. They tend to be male. They are monsters. They are useless. They do not add value into my world. I cannot even quantify their existence as a lesson because I’m using their fuckery as an example of how NOT to act.

When I post about someone triangulating, all other narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about someone hoovering, all other narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about sexual misconduct, all other sexual deviants think twice before stepping into my lane.

When I post about bullying, all other narcissists think twice before stepping into my lane.

The beautiful thing about my inability to lie to myself any longer is accepting that monsters exist. And even better than that, is that the most feared thing for a narcissist is an INFORMED EMPATH.

Today is the day that I stop being a Big Fat Liar. I stopped lying to myself. I have years of misconduct that I’m somewhat excited to publish. I know a handful of people have not accepted that the new Jess is stronger. They only see the abused Jess they used to play with.

The most empowering layer of my healing is letting go of the need to protect those causing me harm.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #EmtionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #FuckAbuse #FileCabinetsOfShittyBehaviour #IHitPublish #Recovery #Rewiring #MyWellness #JourneyToPeace

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