Through my healing journey, I have acknowledged that my sharing made me feel extremely disconnected to the outside world. I had so many emotions and things bubbling up on the inside that sometimes my posts are all over the place. That’s the beauty of a blog. It doesn’t really have to make sense. Nothing is planned, I’m just removing what’s in my heart via holding myself accountable in public.
My support network is sprinkled around the globe. They didn’t agree with this current chapter but they understood that it’s something I felt I needed to do. And for that, they always answer my calls and respond to my messages. When I go quiet, they send hearts or simple messages of ‘thinking about you.’ I know that they dip in and out of my blog but I actually discourage them from reading it. It’s depressing. Sometimes I can find the empowerment in sharing but mostly, it’s just shameful to acknowledge the things that I’ve endured. Reading my blog also leaves my friends to feel helpless. Their heart breaks for me. I hate knowing that I’ve caused pain to another human being.
Through sharing, my words have been resonating with people all over the world. I get random messages from people calling me inspiring. They thank me for giving them a voice. My first compliment of the day was from India. The next heartbreaking acknowledgment is from a high school friend. With every message, there is a certain sense of up and down. My only goal is to remain just as detached from the compliments as from the painful acknowledgments of my healing journey.
Sometimes I fail but I never give up. I was reminded this morning of an old friendship. I held someone in VERY high regard. He was my knight in shining armour. I even have a letter of gratitude sitting in my draft bin (he popped into my heart whilst I was sitting on a beach on the Amalfi Coast in Italy a few weeks ago). I’ll never send the letter. I most likely will never publish it either. This friend was not allowed into the deepest part of my heart. Others thought yes but the reality is that I kept him at arm’s length. When things started getting bad with my family, I shut everyone out, including him. He understood that things were tough at home but never understood the magnitude of dysfunction. He was not the person I called when I had a gun thrust into my face (I called a sorority sister). He wasn’t the call when I needed to get picked up from the police station because I I called the police for being strangled (a lawyer picked me up). He wasn’t even the call when I had to deal with other people’s suicidal tendencies or when either of my grandfather’s passed. Did I consider him part of my wolfpack? Absolutely, without question. Did I let him into my heart space when my world was crashing down? Not a chance in hell.
I struggle with a lot of things. Honestly. I do. I keep telling people that I’m NOT perfect but they just see a powerhouse that constantly gets things done. I know myself better than anyone and completely understand the crazytown moments. I know that I struggled because I was in completely dysfunctional situations without knowing they were dysfunctional. I didn’t know what to google. I didn’t know what to ask. I didn’t know who to turn to. Each friend that I tried to explain the situation (in private) would pass it off as typical family drama. Everyone has their own problems. What they didn’t realise was that I was blamed for things when I literally lived on the other side of the world. How could I possibly be responsible for something when I’m not here? Things never made sense.
After digging through an old email exchange with this dear friend, I realised that I did try to bridge a gap for understanding. I tried to explain my family abuse. I tried to express my emotions and how I felt when he tried to take advantage of me when I was vulnerable (10+ years earlier). And that vulnerability was from a break-up. That’s childsplay compared to family dysfunction. At least in my world, they are not comparable. I acknowledged that I hurt him when I went quiet and I peeled back a layer so he could understand me better. But nothing. A year passed before he even read the email. And yet, I’m blamed for shutting people out..?!
So that behaviour reinforces a lifetime of programming (yes, I understand that I keep saying that my abuse was only 13 years but I’m lumping everything together. I’m assuming everything was bad. That’s exactly how I’m feeling that this exact moment and how best to drive the message home that my wiring, my core belief system, is that I’m not worthy). I’m not worthy to share my feelings. I’m not worthy to have anything positive. I’m not worthy of success. I’m not worthy of respect. and now… I’m not worthy of reading an email. I’m not worthy of friendship. An email where I’m reaching out during a positive time in my life (just after Ironman) in hopes to deepen a friendship.
Up until this unveiling (aka my blog), I can keep on one hand the people that I opened up to. There was a very small group of people that knew about the pain in my heart. And when I ask why I kept everything inside, it’s simple. My heart was already broken. It was basically shattered. I was forced to accept realities from my family (consistent messaging that I’m not worthy) and my heart couldn’t bear additional heartbreak from others, especially those I considered a friend. It was easier to suffer alone and think the best of others rather than not be loved in the way that I needed.
Two quotes have been dancing in my head the last day or two. Both relevant to this sharing.
‘Tell me your past so I know how best to love you in the present’ – Unknown
“The Victim who is able to articulate the situation of the victim has ceased to be a victim: He or She has become a threat.” – James Baldwin
I hope these quotes or my sharing helps someone feel less alone. Blasting positive vibes to the Universe… directed to those fighting battles that they do not feel they can talk about.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #MentalAbuse #NarcissisticAbuse #Rewiring #Reprogramming #Healing #Purifying #Equanimity #Love #JourneyToPeace