Letter of Gratitude: My readers

Dear Readers,

Thank you. Thank you for passively (or actively) following my journey. I’m over the moon with love and humbled at the same time. (37 countries!!!) I’m not certain that I’m deserving of your time but I appreciate you joining my journey.

I am in the process of purging a LOT of hurt. My current tool is writing. It’s a double-edged sword because I find purging offers an opportunity to sit in the darkness. I’m not going to lie, the process is painful. Reliving certain things is heartwrenching. Over the years, I have developed many tools but writing seems to be exactly what I need. The combination of digging deep within myself and then forcing myself to be vulnerable… it’s not a safe place. There is nothing easy about facing the truths about myself and others. It’s terrifying. I prefer my rose-colored lens, sincerely. Life is good when I assume good intentions… in my reality, everyone is loving towards one another.

But these words are to you, my readers. THANK YOU.

Thank you for supporting my vulnerability. Thank you for patience when I go dark. Thank you for understanding my journey (or trying to at least). Thank you for reading my words. Thank you for sharing my pain. Thank you for reaching out in mysterious ways. Thank you for spreading love. Thank you for helping me understand how to love myself unconditionally. Thank you for remembering humanity first. Thank you for teaching me about emotional resilience. Thank you for allowing me to just… be. Thank you for being a harbour in the storm.

I thought I was OK but my questionable decisions in 2017 have forced me to accept that I’m not OK. I’m hurting and it’s OK to not be OK.

Vipassana gave me the tools to observe the body and master the mind. Writing is allowing me the deep dive for healing/purification. You, my readers, are giving me the courage to continue (when I feel I’m losing the war, I remind myself of who is watching). I refuse to be defeated. So thank you for being a reader.

So, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

With tremendous love,
Jess

#WednesdayGratitude #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #JourneyToPeace #OutOfTheDarkness #Forgiveness #Healing #Love #Hope #Family #Relationships

Letter of Gratitude: Mommabear

Hey Mommabear,

Generally, I send out letters of gratitude but I’m testing out a new format and outlining the things I appreciate about you. You have been a superstar example of how to process emotions and embrace quirks. Below is a snapshot of things I appreciate about you! Thanks for being such an important role model for me!

I can always tell when something is bothering you. You try to hide it from me because you know that I’d do everything in my power to put a smile on your face. It doesn’t take me much convincing to just book a flight to some random beach in a secluded part of the world. I have a secret talent for going off-grid. You know this better than anyone else. Traveling will always be my preferred answer to any of life’s questions. [How badly I want to be a flight risk rather than process my pain. Ignore the million reasons to leave, focus on the ONE reason to stay has been a challenge].

Knowing this, you seem to try and conceal your emotions more than normal. I wish you didn’t because there is an immense beauty for all sides of you, especially the softer side. I love when the alarm goes off and you quietly celebrate because every day is basically Saturday. Time is just a suggestion. You get dressed every single day but interacting with people is always optional. Some days are spent in the garden. Others you are crawling under the covers. The world can be overwhelming – I need restarts too, it’s perfectly normal. I admire how you keep a diary of events and despite being a lady of leisure, you are booked out a month at any given moment.

I love how you snicker when people ask what you do all day. Your words are enjoying life but in your head you are screaming I PAID MY DUES. I’M RETIRED. I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT! BUHAHAHAHAHA. You’ve embraced the title Lady Of Leisure with so much class. I’m so incredibly proud of you!

I admire your unwillingness to let certain people back into your space but you are so forgiving of others. Biggest pet peeve is crossing something out in the diary (I feel ya on that one). Biggest joy is using 500 spoons a day and sipping coffee from an unseasoned mug.

You have incredible value added to just about anyone that crosses your path. You can see it in the smiles of friends, neighbors, and strangers – you are very loved.

It’s been beautiful to watch you get lost in your own head. Despite your attempt to keep a poker face, it’s been an honour to watch you go through waves of emotions. You used to use words like “I don’t want to be a burden” or “I’m just being silly” and now you say “I just feel like crying” or “Can we just go home”. I love your ways of self-care. I agree that watching Dr Phil and Judge Judy make life seem less chaotic. There will always be a comfort in baking cookies and cleaning. I admire that you know how to process whatever you need to process.

I love how when something is really bothering you (and I’ve missed the cues), I can always taste it in your cooking. I worry about your health and I appreciate you taking small steps to be slightly healthier. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how there is always fruits in the house. AND that you peel your own garlic! And that you are aware of reducing processed foods.

Sometimes it takes me a few weeks to convince you to do something but I admire your continued willingness to try new things. I even love your experiments to make sure that you are still a cougar. You have one of the best smiles in the world. You also have the biggest heart. Why wouldn’t gentlemen try to get onto your dance card?!

Being gentle with myself is not easy. I think I’ve been conditioned to suppress my emotions so showing anything other than pissing rainbows is kind of awkward. Thank you for being an example of how to be human without being called crazypants.

I admire your insistence that no one’s opinion matters, whilst being a people pleaser. There are so many things to celebrate about you! I think it’s time to put on the blue suede butt-kicking boots and hit the road. I prefer sundresses and boots to snow…

I love you, mommabear. I’m so proud of you!

#LetterOfGratitude #WednesdayGratitude #Family #Love

Letter of Gratitude: 2017

Dear Jess,

During a year of absolute chaos, when you felt completely broken and unlovable, you remembered to breathe. When your abusers conspired to break you, you remembered they are human. When you decided to upgrade your annoyingly-optimistic-everything-is-PHENOMENAL Jess to an authentic imperfectly messy-emotional-yet-RESILIENT Jess, you remembered to be brave. When you made questionable life decisions (accepting a ring from a man that represented unspeakable brokenness), you owned your decision and remembered to be humble.

When you needed to reach new depths of forgiveness, you developed new tools. When your faith in miracles was tested, you refused to accept mediocracy.

When people lied, you acted with love. When people were angry, you acted with love. When people criticised, you acted with love. When people betrayed you, you acted with love.

I’m so proud of you for manifesting love and kindness. I’m so proud of you for filling up your cup. I’m so proud of you for remembering the best love is self-love.

Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for knowing when to be bold (public sharing) and when to retreat (with mommabear). Thank you for having such a diverse set of tools and a respectable amount of self-awareness to know exactly what you needed and when. Thank you for being a pillar of strength for others. Thank you for having patience. Thank you for fighting like hell to heal so your projections are of love, not hurt.

I revel in your journey.

With so much love and awe,
Your younger self

Day 28: Hurt is anger’s annoying neighbor

Day 28. Freewriting.

Love is the strongest emotion I possess. Sometimes I think that anger is my go-to but every day I’m reminded I’m just fooling myself and it’s actually LOVE. Love is my go to. Some people say that anger is the absence of love but I think that anger is actually hurt in disguise. When strong people are not allowed to show weakness, anger is the neighbor to hurt. It’s stronger than hurt… it’s just all noise, to be honest.

I spent some time re-reading my freewriting from throughout the month. Some of my rambles made me cry and others made me feel empowered. I was actually surprised at the strength of my voice and indifference to how it’s being received. They say communication has 2 sides, what is being said and what is being understood. My career is built on suppressing how I felt and only conveying thoughts and ideas to appease other people. Sad but true. I’m only human and I slipped a few times… but thinking about those slip-ups, it was because of a comment that attacked something near and dear to my heart. The family has always been a soft spot. Anyone who is anyone who knows a minute of my history knows there are certain safe things to ask about (my mommabear) and then there are triggers (father, brother, extended family). I feel obligated to play nice but every single time I do, I literally feel part of my soul being crushed. So it’s a hot/cold thing and I’m not sure when I’ll ever really come to terms with it. To be honest, I dragged my feet for nearly a year to slowly mentally [and emotionally] prepare to come home.

Home is a relative term. What is home? Is it a physical place or is it people? I go back and forth.

Home is the friends that allow me to let my guard down. Home is where I’m embraced with hugs that feel safe. Home is the smell of a warm kitchen making meatloaf. Home is where people know when to do something out of the norm to bring a smile to my face… especially when they know that doing something abnormal is what makes me feel most normal. This is home. The square pegs in the round hole.

It was NOT easy for me to get on that plane to come back to what society considers home. The physical home. “Home”

Society definition of home is where I’m told I’m imperfect. I’m told I have aggression issues. Society’s home is where I feel completely incapable of accomplishing the simplest of tasks and I question my ability to love. I also question my ability to be loved. It’s never a good thing to question one’s value added to the world. Sometimes I think I’m a super achiever because it counters all the judgments I’m regularly subjected to when I’m ‘home’. When the tears of compounded hurt fall, I’m called bipolar. When I set boundaries – things have to be positive and supportive, I’m called controlling and dramatic. When I abide by society’s definition of ‘home’ that’s when I feel absolutely broken. I cannot tell the difference between having a broken heart and being broken… completely broken.

“Reckless girl who forgot how beautiful she was…” – movie line from ‘Love the Coopers’

Everyone has their soft moments. I have more than I ever let on. If I had to give things in numbers, I’d say that 70% of my life is with smiles and pure joy. 30% is fear/hurt/unexpressed emotions… Easy[ish] to squeeze that down to 10% by being an overachiever. That last 10% is a monster though. It takes a LOT of work to reduce that 10% to 9….8…7…6…5…4…3. I don’t think it’s possible to remove all softness. I think I need to keep some around as a fire in my heart. It’s the fear that forces me to action, most of the time.

But this morning, I have love on my mind. And with love…some of my shadows surface. I’m thankful for the shadows. Without the shadows, I wouldn’t fully appreciate my softness, in its full beauty.

My heart is my superpower. I’m so blessed to have such a strong heart. I’m finally feeling like myself… only took 3 weeks. Right on schedule. I hate that I’m so predictable…

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #MentalHealth #SelfImprovement #Love #JourneyToPeace

Magic screams when the world is quiet.

Day 23. Freewriting. Feeling very blessed. VERY blessed. This current personal challenge of posting my morning thoughts has been terrifying and fulfilling. It’s allowed me to go deeper within myself without regard to being judged. I’m still conscious of the opinions of others but more or less used as a base to spot check my progress as opposed to defending my journey. Someone recently commented on my talent for conveying my emotions through my writing. That’s a HUGE compliment. That’s one of my [many] goals of writing… to allow my readers feel whatever I’m feeling.

***

Are feelings and emotions the same?!

There are so many ways to redirect and train the mind. I have an extremely strong mind. Once focused, it’s impossible to distract me. I’ve been able to re-wire myself more times than I care to admit. I’ve been able to thrive despite some rather diverse situations. Compartmentalization. It’s true, the outside world sees a happy/inspiring outward appearance with my operating mode being adrenaline. My mind has been trained to plan for the worst and hope for the best. On average I have 10-15 scenarios in my head of how a situation can end up. This allows for easy(ish) planning and execution. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. That’s my autopilot. Finding joy in the simple or silver lining in the toxic is also a talent.

***

Words cannot express what my heart feels. Is it love? Is it lust? Is it obsession? Is it home? Despite having so many words to express… words cannot capture the feeling in my heart. Perhaps that’s the beauty of feelings.

Sometimes silence is the best answer.

Sometimes a hug solves all problems.

Sometimes a beating heart is all I need.

I’m learning to feel my way through life. Heart center feels. I know that I’m reaching a new depth because I’m at a loss for words to express myself. Having a ready-made answer for everything is my norm… until recently.

Words are for emotions. Silence is for feelings.

***

I feel that my instinct is above average. I think my gut is flawless. Any time that I’ve ended up in a lopsided position is when my heart sneaks a seat at the table. Then the tug of war begins between my head and my heart. Instinctively, I know that means to walk away… but then I’m reminded of the saying ‘the heart wants what the heart wants.’

I learned my lesson and I’m going to stop rationalizing the reason… Everyone is a lifetime and for that, everyone will come back until I greet them with love, pure love. I’m grateful for the moments. The moments are what we string together for the magic. My jam is in the magic.

Words cannot express feelings. Feelings can be seen in the eyes. Feelings can be seen in a smile. Feelings can be a lot of things… but not understood with words. Emotions are neatly articulated, feelings are… magic.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #SelfImprovement #Love #JourneyToPeace

Dear Mentally Unwell person, Thank you.

Day 21. Freewriting. My focus is all over the place and I need to get this off my chest. I will not name my specific abusers so I’m just going to lay it all out there. It’s not a single person but if you are reading and think you have wronged me, chances are you are right. I most likely confronted you but chances are, I just walked away. This is my letter of gratitude… release letter… closing the chapter letter… writing the book, letter. Whatever floats your boat.

***

Dear Mentally Unwell person,

You’ve officially taken up far too much of my time. Perhaps it was my mental space, physical space, or spiritual space… the one thing you all have in common is that you wiggled into my heart and walked around with dirty shoes. Your visits are a reminder of my resilience. The only way to grow is to constantly push my limits. Right? Trick question, I do NOT have limits. 😉

I consider myself a rather aware person but the truth of the matter was I went through life on autopilot. My intuition was flawless… assuming that I didn’t allow you into my heart space. I was flawless. A fortress of nothing can stop me. Confidence, the calm, tighten your ponytail, roll back your shoulders, crack your neck to the right, deep breath…let’s dance type of confidence. Maybe throw in a small nostril flair for good measure. Game time. I was unstoppable. But you… YOU were the smarter one in the room. You embraced my boundaries as a challenge and leveraged my admiration for you for your own needs. You exposed my well-hidden kinks in my armor. Very clever.

I had to accept that you were a reason and I desperately tried to understand that reason and let you go. For whatever reason, I haven’t been able to scrub my heart of the last streaks of betrayal. Yes, betrayal. So in true Jess style, without a filter.

I’m disappointed that when I turned to you for help, you created more trouble.

I’m disappointed but relieved.

Because of your wiggle, I learned how to stretch. I learned to set goals so big that they forced me outside of my comfort zone. Outside my comfort zone is actually where I’m most comfortable…

Your wiggle saved me. Thankfully the wiggles happened at different stages but everything happened at the right moment.

I wouldn’t have gotten on the plane. I probably would be married with 3 kids and in debt. I’d most likely wear make-up but only to hide the bruises. My light would have been so dim. More than likely, I’d have a terrible relationship with family due to my feeling of betrayal (yes, I expect the family to shield me from monsters). I would have never seen the world, slept on the beach, swam with giant sea turtles, witnessed magic in a south-east Asian sunrise, experienced spirituality, felt the beauty of my own heart beat, fallen in love with life, met so many amazing people, or been on a junk boat. Had you stayed in my life, I definitely would NOT have been able to do the garba at Navatri, witness cliff jumpers, harvested palm oil, climbed corporate ladders, or met multi-millionaires. I learned to appreciate the little moments and have a completely checked off bucket list, thanks to you. Yes, if not for your wiggle, I would have never had the privilege to experience any of those things.

Most of the occurrences were when I was leading my life with my intuition. I was being led by intuition before I understood what my intuition was. The times that I side-stepped was when I was leading with my heart. Over the years, I’ve tried very hard to get into alignment. A goal that is easy(ish) to achieve but takes a LOT of work to maintain. I understand the importance of protecting my heart but love and kindness shouldn’t be shielded. Learning how to be that bright light whilst not allowing others to dim mine has been a worthwhile mission. It’s been a beautiful process. I’m thankful for your push for me to be my best version.

A few times, I thought you would win. A few times, I got stuck in dark places questioning what I did wrong to deserve this. Then that magical moment happens when a complete stranger compliments something that I’m being criticised on. They compliment my spirit, my heart, or my ability to show kindness to a complete stranger. Not because I’m trying to gain anything, but because it’s the right thing to do. Then a few days later, I’ll be greeted with a random message to test my flow. It’ll be a small test but depending on my learnings, this test will either reinforce my structure or create a bigger crack. Most times, I’m so focused on building that all tests are just to reinforce my structure. So Mentally unwell person, thank you for helping me build.

Without your presence, I wouldn’t know the importance of being soft. I wouldn’t know the beauty in broken. I wouldn’t know the sweetness of victory.

So again, thank you, mentally unwell person. You have helped me more than you know.

Sincerely and with love,
Jess

Check out Perfectly flawed. Slightly intolerant. Hopelessly optimistic. to understand the evolution of my conflict management on social media.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #SelfImprovement #Gratitude #Narcissism #Healing #JourneyToPeace

Day 17: Are you a Muse or a Vice

Day 17. Freewriting. Thinking about strength. How I define strength vs. how society defines strength. There are always 2 sides to the coin but 3 sides to the truth…

Living in Asia offered countless opportunities. Some opportunities were to be a muse and others to be a vice.

Befriending Prostitutes. I had just picked up a slice of watermelon and a slice of papaya from my local fruit guy. I was cutting across a road divider when I was approached by a guy wearing Crocs. “You are pretty. Can I play with you?” I didn’t understand. “Excuse me?” “You are pretty. Can I come home with you and play with you?” “No, but thank you for asking.” Then I take the scenic route to my apartment and have a heated discussion with my flatmate. This was the first time I realized I was living near a red-light district. “Jess, you know there is a karaoke over there, high-end karaoke.” “I know but I just came from the gym, since when do I look like a working girl?” I’m not sure if I was more upset that I was approached or because the guy was wearing Crocs. Clearly, IF were in that line of business, I would warrant the high-end clientele. Wait, Jess, are you really upset about this?

Over the next few weeks, I decided to switch my schedule and dine at the local hawker centre. Usually, I have ‘da bao’ (takeaway) but for the next few weeks, I dine in. The girls up the street tend to come out around 430/5pm to take their dinner. Most are wearing comfortable clothing, some are already dressed up. Individually, they eat enough to feed a small army. I think they are mentally preparing. Not a lot of socializing. Zero eye contact. Within 30 minutes they disappear up the street. By 7pm, the street is flooded with high-performance sports cars. Sometimes, I’d see girls on the street around the corner but for the most part, the only exposure to the outside world was when they were walking in/out of the karaoke club into a fancy car… Over the next few weeks, I started to recognize some of the girls. I started to pick up on their habits. My schedule is Tuesday/Thursday having hand-pulled noodles with sliced fish and Friday a plate of assorted cut fruits. 430 start time. Every Tuesday/Thursday and Friday for a few weeks. One of the girls sits across from me. She has a giant plate of rice and mixed veg from the Economy Rice stall. (They have delicious shredded pork and some dish that is similar to potatoes but not really potatoes). We make eye contact and finish our meal in silence. The next time, I find myself sitting across the same girl. I suck at keeping quiet… “Hey, how are you?” She looks at me like I have 3 heads then looks down at her food.

A few weeks pass and I bump into my ‘friend’ again. Super pretty dress. She’s tinier than me and I’m in Ironman shape. Where the heck does she put all that food?!

We finally have that conversation that I’ve been waiting for! She’s 22 and from Vietnam. She visits Singapore every few months but only stays a week for each visit. She tells me how she provides for her family. It’s easy money and she gets treated better here than at home.

My short temper is exposed when guys are rude to me, I dunno how she deals with the chaos. Our conversation jumps around with a heavy focus on family. She commented how she was fortunate to look the way she looks because it’s easy to make money. I didn’t fully comprehend her words but we wish one another well and part ways for the night.

Over the course of the next year, I saw this same girl on occasion. Always immaculately put together. Her smile is bright but her eyes are blank. I wouldn’t say dead, just blank.

Then, for the first time, I saw the same girl in comfortable clothing, not working clothes. No make-up. No heels. I swear she looked like she was 15 years old. Same girl but she looked very different. I have no idea what her name is but we are now at a point where she accepts a piece of fruit from my assorted platter. This time, our conversation was different. I saw her softer side, no walls. She even laughed once or twice.

I wish I had connected with her on social media or taken her contact details. I’d like to visit her at some point, in country. Either way, I’m sure she’s well!

***

Thinking about my interactions and conversations with my new friend, I have a new perspective on this industry. It’s an incredible strength to have a strong sense of self. To know that everything is connected but also that things can be separate. To use your body as a tool without it affecting your mind or heart. I don’t have that strength. I wouldn’t be able to do the things she does (or did) for her family. I admire her strength. I guess at the end of the day, we all have a different battle to fight and a different superhero costume to protect us.

My corporate life was filled with conversation-starting dresses, heals to turn heads, and manicured nails to reinforce I care about the small things. I sweat too much so never got into the whole make-up part of the world but my corporate uniform was legit. For sports, it’s an entirely different ballgame once the shoes are laced up or I’m going through my ritual for a bike ride (pump tires, fill water bottles, eat a fried egg and peanut butter sandwich, bandana, helmet, zipper bag wallet, and shoes that’ll make your eyes water).

The uniform this girl had to put on, transformational. It really was a superhero costume. To protect her from the dark side of humanity. To not allow it to crush her spirit. To protect her heart with something fierce.

She’s the superhero. Prostitutes have an incredible strength. Not just when they are working but to have the ability to block out the noise around the clock. The noise from others and the noise within… that’s strength. Pure strength.

***

Everyone has something to sell. What’s the difference between selling your mind and selling your body? Isn’t it just selling pieces of you? Time is easily sold… No one is better than anyone else. Everyone is a prostitute. In some reguard…

#MorningRamble #WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Prostitution #Strength #NonConventionalHeroes #Humanity #NaNoWriMo

 

Sri Lanka

My first trip to Sri Lanka was a last minute romantic Easter weekend getaway in 2010. We spent some time rummaging through markets in the city then took a leisurely road trip along the coast, visiting sea turtle nurseries along the way. My first scuba diving experience was AMAZING! Our Dive Instructor (Indian version of Fabio) guided us to swim amongst an octopus, giant sea turtles and schools of colorful fish! A local daredevil completed shallow dives for US$1 – amazingly talented for his age. A captivating showman for sure! My favorite night was spent in a bed & breakfast inside the Fort at Galle. Historic and cozy…

 

I was so engulfed by the warmth of Sri Lanka in 2010 that I jumped at the opportunity to visit again in 2015. This time, as a group trip to celebrate a dear friend’s birthday. I enjoy large groups but also thrive on the local experience. I tend to go off into my own world when traveling… this trip was no different. My journey started with befriending a Sri Lankan on the flight. I was invited to lunch and shortly after, kidnapped to meet his family. Unexpected but lovely chat over tea/biscuits. Thank goodness I had a loaf of fruit bread as a gift. (It’s rude to walk into a home empty-handed). Later in the day, my kidnapper took me to the train station so I could enjoy the most scenic train ride to Unawatuna. 12087900_987684275962_5756101041959304260_oThe train was filled with college students; I was befriended by a group of engineers. They were very sweet and kept me company on the 15-minute bus ride to my final destination. I finally joined my friends. Quick costume change, washed my face and we were off for fine dining just off the beach. Lots of laughs and goofy hugs. This group loves how fearless I am and [frequently] question how I remain safe when talking to so many strangers. I always have a colorful story to share… “I was befriending on the flight and whisked away on another adventure! Less than 12 hours in the country and I was having tea and biscuits in someone’s home, with their parents!” That’s not normal for most people. I understand that… but, it’s normal for me.

This group is hilarious, they are accepting of everyone and I’m considered their little sister. I cannot remember laughing so much as when I’m with this group. Days are filled with swimming in a private villa whilst watching the sunset change colors over the open sea. Transportation was hilarious because the tuk-tuks were controlled by gangsters. We paid the tourist tax, every.single.time. Morning strolls on the beach was my time to catch up with me. Most of the time, I read Everybody’s Business with my toes in the sand. I think I have a welcoming vibe because, I was soon befriended by another Sri Lankan. He had a peaceful presence about him so I entertained the visit and even accepted an invitation to meet again to learn about Insurance. When the sun fell, it was time for the main event; an Angel/Fallen Angel themed birthday party (I LOVE FANCY DRESS). Everyone went all out with costumes and a fashion show. The planning that went into this event was extraordinary. I hope I still have such good friends when I’m celebrating my 50th! The love was felt all around!

The next morning, my driver offered jewelry (made by his wife) during a 10-minute ride to Galle. I love the hustle of the tuk-tuk drivers. I understand the tourist tax and I appreciate his approach so much more – he charged me local transport rate as long as I bought some jewelry. Always happy to support local business. Same cost to me but now I have a funky bracelet! Everyone wins! I had just enough time to check out some sights (hunting down my cliff diver with no luck) and then grabbed the train back up to Colombo! My ‘kidnapper’ treated me to a delicious local lunch and I invited him to meet some college friends that work with the UNDP. 13510849_1754340228168797_55888662338521221_nWe all chat over tea. I was mostly interested in UNDP pain points so I could learn how to create value. Magic happens when you are in the flow, after tea, we stumbled onto a Rugby Tournament in a nearby park. My kidnapper is a sports buff and introduced me to a National Javelin Thrower (Athlete). A reporter caught us at the game and our picture ended up in the local newspaper. Amazing things happen when you allow the Universe to show you magic. People are unquestionably amazing!

All in all, each visit to Sri Lanka, I’m reminded of the warmth of humanity and the ease in turning a complete stranger into a lifelong friend. Good things happen when you trust the flow and follow the energy.

#SriLanka #TravelBug #GlobeTrotter #CreateMagic #Traveller

Laos

Trip highlights: Overnight train from Bangkok, Thailand to Vientiane, Laos. My passport was taken and I was almost kidnapped by the ‘border control’. Random walks down dusty roads. Museum visits. Street food. Strangers turned into friends. Travel buddy and I were invited into the quarters of a Monk in training (personalised tour in exchange for an English lesson). Local dragon boat race (one of the boats nearly tipped over). The most beautiful souls, food, and sunsets are in South East Asia. Perfect timing to be reminded “all you need is love”

Night Market
Green Curry
Night Market
Sunset
Fisherman
Dragonboating
Tree of Love
Fa Ngum
National Museum
Cope Center
Sisaket
Victory Monument
President’s Palace
Border Crossing
Train from Thailand to Laos

#Laos #Vietaine #GlobalNomad #Travel


 

#MeToo – sharing my story at open mic night in Chicago

My intention for the night was simply to take a break from my writing. To be invisible amongst a crowd of strangers. Take a break from my journey by supporting others… I hesitantly joined an event in the city with a trusted friend. A few months ago, I made myself vulnerable by publishing my story of abuse. I was still impressionable and struggling to find my voice. I don’t consider myself a victim so sharing from an empowered perspective has been a challenge. What is the focus? What do I share? How do I share? What if they give me that look? I needed a break so supporting a friend at open mic seemed like the right thing to do…

As you know it, the Universe presented me with a challenge. Despite my effort to show up late, I was still invited to jump on stage. Topic: Darkness. Time: 8 minutes.

I tend to thrive in uncomfortable situations. This was different. This was making myself emotionally vulnerable. I was still licking my wounds from an event a few days before. I did not think I was brave enough to speak but my name is called. I’m invited to the stage. The lights go off, the clock starts… With a shaky voice, I begin…

“Hi, my name is Jessica M Corvo. I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. I spent 11 years in Asia. This is my story.

#MeToo

#Victim

Holding me by the neck. My feet are dangling. Loaded gun up against my cheek. “I wonder if you taste as sweet as you sound?” “what are you willing to do [for this job]?” “I’ll float you $50k if you have sex with me & Lucy?” “I paid for dinner, you are putting out for dessert.” “I’d like to put a bun in that oven” I deal with the comments by telling myself that it’s just #prettygirlproblems . I don’t have time to deal with this, I have goals to focus on. Maybe I’m not as smart as I think. Maybe I am just a body. “You are the reason for my anger” “I was joking, where is your sense of humor?” “Jess, why are you so angry?” “You make me suicidal” “It’s nothing to worry about, it’s not herpes, it’s chickenpox” “You are nothing but trouble” Anything to get me to question myself. I can handle the physical stuff, it’s the emotional and mental warfare that gives me pause.

#Survivor

I start having panic attacks. It takes me longer to rebound. My life is a constant experiment. I book last-minute flights. I lose my Heroes. Strong is the only option. I will not be defeated. Professionally surrounded by malignant narcissists (I know how to navigate this sea. Just don’t let it get personal). Life kept simple. Meditation. Physical activity – rock climbing and hiking. Compartmentalize the fu*k out of my life. Dating is not an option. Alcohol is not an option. I cannot trust anything with a penis. Say no to drugs (mostly). My inner thoughts shouldn’t be shared. My heart is broken. My spirit is strong. Throw myself into service – cleaning houses. Escapism is my way of life. Bury the pain. Accomplishing goals fill my hole. Strangers are kinder than friends. Galavanting around the world and being places where no one knows my past. Life is surface level.

#Thriver #BAMFThriver

I am named #13 for a Fortune 500 company. I had that figurative corner office with a view. I was untouchable (professionally) because I was the ‘clean up girl’ for the #1. I crushed Ironman. 12hrs 18mins on my first try. I launched a business. I started dating. I was proposed to within 4 months. Letters of Gratitude reinforced my faith in humanity. I accepted a truth – I became lazy with boundaries. Time to get savage – add value or go away. The people who are supposed to protect me are the ones I need to be protected from. I will share my story. I was never a victim. I used those bricks and built my fu*king castle…

[The alarm sounds. 8 minutes]

Thank you.”

 

 

#PublicSpeaking #Chicago