Day 21. Freewriting. My focus is all over the place and I need to get this off my chest. I will not name my specific abusers so I’m just going to lay it all out there. It’s not a single person but if you are reading and think you have wronged me, chances are you are right. I most likely confronted you but chances are, I just walked away. This is my letter of gratitude… release letter… closing the chapter letter… writing the book, letter. Whatever floats your boat.
Dear Mentally Unwell person,
You’ve officially taken up far too much of my time. Perhaps it was my mental space, physical space, or spiritual space… the one thing you all have in common is that you wiggled into my heart and walked around with dirty shoes. Your visits are a reminder of my resilience. The only way to grow is to constantly push my limits. Right? Trick question, I do NOT have limits. 😉
I consider myself a rather aware person but the truth of the matter was I went through life on autopilot. My intuition was flawless… assuming that I didn’t allow you into my heart space. I was flawless. A fortress of nothing can stop me. Confidence, the calm, tighten your ponytail, roll back your shoulders, crack your neck to the right, deep breath…let’s dance type of confidence. Maybe throw in a small nostril flair for good measure. Game time. I was unstoppable. But you… YOU were the smarter one in the room. You embraced my boundaries as a challenge and leveraged my admiration for you for your own needs. You exposed my well-hidden kinks in my armor. Very clever.
I had to accept that you were a reason and I desperately tried to understand that reason and let you go. For whatever reason, I haven’t been able to scrub my heart of the last streaks of betrayal. Yes, betrayal. So in true Jess style, without a filter.
I’m disappointed that when I turned to you for help, you created more trouble.
I’m disappointed but relieved.
Because of your wiggle, I learned how to stretch. I learned to set goals so big that they forced me outside of my comfort zone. Outside my comfort zone is actually where I’m most comfortable…
Your wiggle saved me. Thankfully the wiggles happened at different stages but everything happened at the right moment.
I wouldn’t have gotten on the plane. I probably would be married with 3 kids and in debt. I’d most likely wear make-up but only to hide the bruises. My light would have been so dim. More than likely, I’d have a terrible relationship with family due to my feeling of betrayal (yes, I expect the family to shield me from monsters). I would have never seen the world, slept on the beach, swam with giant sea turtles, witnessed magic in a south-east Asian sunrise, experienced spirituality, felt the beauty of my own heart beat, fallen in love with life, met so many amazing people, or been on a junk boat. Had you stayed in my life, I definitely would NOT have been able to do the garba at Navatri, witness cliff jumpers, harvested palm oil, climbed corporate ladders, or met multi-millionaires. I learned to appreciate the little moments and have a completely checked off bucket list, thanks to you. Yes, if not for your wiggle, I would have never had the privilege to experience any of those things.
Most of the occurrences were when I was leading my life with my intuition. I was being led by intuition before I understood what my intuition was. The times that I side-stepped was when I was leading with my heart. Over the years, I’ve tried very hard to get into alignment. A goal that is easy(ish) to achieve but takes a LOT of work to maintain. I understand the importance of protecting my heart but love and kindness shouldn’t be shielded. Learning how to be that bright light whilst not allowing others to dim mine has been a worthwhile mission. It’s been a beautiful process. I’m thankful for your push for me to be my best version.
A few times, I thought you would win. A few times, I got stuck in dark places questioning what I did wrong to deserve this. Then that magical moment happens when a complete stranger compliments something that I’m being criticised on. They compliment my spirit, my heart, or my ability to show kindness to a complete stranger. Not because I’m trying to gain anything, but because it’s the right thing to do. Then a few days later, I’ll be greeted with a random message to test my flow. It’ll be a small test but depending on my learnings, this test will either reinforce my structure or create a bigger crack. Most times, I’m so focused on building that all tests are just to reinforce my structure. So Mentally unwell person, thank you for helping me build.
Without your presence, I wouldn’t know the importance of being soft. I wouldn’t know the beauty in broken. I wouldn’t know the sweetness of victory.
So again, thank you, mentally unwell person. You have helped me more than you know.
Sincerely and with love,
Check out Perfectly flawed. Slightly intolerant. Hopelessly optimistic. to understand the evolution of my conflict management on social media.
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