Making amends with myself

Dear Jess,

It’s been a long minute but I need to share something. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting others before you for so long. I’m sorry for forcing you into a cycle of constantly recovering from adversity. I’m sorry that I allowed you to think you were not enough. I’m sorry for a lot of things.

The one thing that I am not sorry for is making you believe that the only way out of the storm was to confront it head-on. I know there are a million places you could have taken refuge. I know there are people sprinkled all over the globe that would have taken you in. I know that you only keep people in your life because you want them, not because you need them. I made you forget that you are all that you ever need. I’m sorry that your heart broke when learning the truth about your family. It was the only way to learn. It’s not easy to remember that others are acting out of ignorance. It’s not easy to wrap your head around injustice. It’s even harder to understand that someone is causing you pain because they are in so much pain. I twisted your mind for so many years, twisted it into thinking that it was your job to comfort others. Comfort at the expense of your own wellness. For that, I will apologise a million times. And then a million times more.

Over the last few months, I’ve made substantial behaviour changes. I’m still mastering the art of NO (meaning NO is a complete sentence) and reminding myself that not all situations require my attention. I hope that my actions have been felt so my words are just an affirmation of healthy habits. It’s been brutal to shift focus from external to internal so I’m sorry that I created such deep seeded patterns for you to break.

But mostly I’m sorry that I caused you to question yourself. You have done some pretty magical things. You make everything look easy. I know life can be unbearable but you make everything seem so simple. I didn’t create space for you to be human, and I’m so incredibly sorry. I made you think that you had to be strong. And strong meant to carry on at all cost. The only mantra worth remembering was ‘well done is better than well said’. I’m sorry that it took me so long to hold space for you to be whatever you needed to be.

Last night, during a support group meeting, everyone was talking about making amends. Granted, the snap reaction was “I don’t need to make amends to anyone. They need to make amends to me!” And then after a deep breath, the FIRST person that I wanted to make amends to was you. So, Jessica Marie Corvo, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for taking your love for granted. I’m sorry for pushing your mind into overdrive. I’m sorry for taking so incredibly long to get to this exact place. I’m sorry for not protecting you with the same fierceness that you so openly offered to others.

Now that we are here… let’s take a moment to pause. A moment to honour that we built an unshakable foundation. There is still pain to be processed. A broken heart to be loved. A family to mourn. A system to grow. But mostly, just daily reminders to love yourself first. Everyone else comes second. Everyone. And anyone that questions your priorities don’t deserve space in your world.

Oh, and one last thing, I’m sorry for the root chakra behaviour. Kind of sorry but not really. I couldn’t help myself from exploring that guilty pleasure. It is my favourite questionable decision but nothing more than a distraction from self-care. When someone worthy of being a lover presents himself, you’ll know without question. It won’t be butterflies, facepalms then, cheeky smiles. It’ll feel like home. Perhaps you owe him an apology at some point but for now, the only apology goes to you for allowing cloudy energy into your space. Sacred space. I’ll do better for us. I promise. BTW, you needed to know that the same results can be achieved by walking a dog. There are a million ways to bring yourself into the present moment. hahaha…

I know you forgive me. I’m not sure I’m worthy but it’s nice to know we are on the same team once again.

With so much love (and admiration)
Your Mind

PS: doesn’t this seem like it was written a million years ago? It was actually only a year, almost to the day. And my heart finally made amends to self… But FIRST, Remember to Forgive Yourself

#Resilience #SelfCare #LetterOfGratitude #Alignment #Forgiveness #SelfLove #Amends #Growth #Chicago #Home

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