Trying my best to embrace situations as opportunities to learn something about myself and also others have been a bit of a mission. At least in the last few weeks, it’s been a mission. Part of me enjoys getting lost in the magic of a moment. No thinking, just being. Allowing things to flow in and flow out. Magical things happen when I’m in flow state…
And then the question is asked. A question that makes me stop in my tracks. Not because I do not know the answer. But because I know the answer that is expected and I have something to share that is not conventional.
The question. Who would be proud of you? Reframe; who’s approval are you seeking?
Such a loaded question. If I was asked this question a year ago, I would unquestionably blurt out my parents. Today, I have a different answer. Considering I know that my guardian angels are dancing in the clouds and SUPER DUPER proud of me. There isn’t really anyone in the living realm that I’m seeking approval from. So I guess by default, the only person that gains or loses sleep based on my actions would be ME. So I’m seeking the approval of myself.
Also an interesting concept. Especially considering I’m my own worst critic. So to seek the approval from myself. A person that is hardly satisfied with things. A person that can appreciate where she is at this exact moment but deep down, she’s contemplating how to level up. Accomplish more. Push herself just that much further.
I’m proud of myself. I try not to compare myself to anyone other than a younger version of myself. Sincerely. The biggest thing that I am expecting of myself is to feel my emotions without becoming them. I was able to bury my emotions in the deepest part of my soul for decades. Hardly processing things. Suppressing them. And then after about 2 years of back to back healing? Dealing? Embracing? Processing? Growing… I fell into a cycle of being my emotions. Or was I just experiencing feeling them for the first time? My ability to talk about my feelings without becoming my emotions. Such a powerful concept.
Am I living my life in such a way that I’d be proud of me? YES! What defines my success? Well, at this exact moment. My only wish for myself is to have the ability to observe my feelings or feel my feelings without becoming an emotion.
And this is most likely why I’m scared to death of dating. Dating creates an opportunity to be in love. Am I ready to test the waters of making sure that I continue to love myself so hard that I can easily walk away from anything that doesn’t serve my highest good? To put an end to anyone that doesn’t make a conscious effort to court me, daily? Am I operating from my heart chakra? (Simple answer, not really). My ego says to love others with everything in my heart. And when it’s not reciprocated, I get hurt. And pain is a sign of mismanaged expectations. And expectations are from craving. And craving means that I’m not present… and also hints at an unhealthy attachment. And that makes me think of the first time that I went to a vipassana retreat. I wanted to hold onto the good and leave the bad. Life doesn’t work like that… but it can. It should. TO be honest, Jess World operates like that. Pure love.
Observe feelings without becoming an emotion.