In the context of domestic violence. This tugs on my heartstring (covert abuse). Especially after accepting another truth last night. Last night, I realized I had 12 visitors and 438 views on my blog. I’m a big data person. This is an indicator that my family is bored. They are looking for information to stir the pot. They have zero interest in reaching out to me directly, they will only cause trouble to elicit an emotional response (indicating that I still care). My heart hurts with the truth that my phone will never ring with ‘hey Jess. I miss you. I’m sorry. How can we fix things.’ Or ‘Jess. I’m sorry for hurting you. I turned my back on you when you needed me most.’ Or even ‘I’m sorry.’ Hell will freeze over before those calls are made.
Truth is I forgave them. I have zero ill will in my heart. I’m no longer jumping down rabbit holes. I’m not concerned about my coordinates. I’m not even looking over my shoulder or feel that I’m high alert. I’m simply embracing this wave. I continue to love a family that has done nothing but cause me great harm. They have threatened my life. They have tried to break my spirit. I spent many years bringing them happiness (and easing their pain) before realizing that is not my job. Ironically, I almost lost my life proving my love, loyalty and respect to my family.
A few people feel entitled to judge my healing journey. I put them on my prayer list. And I remind my community of a devastating truth… unless you have ever had a loaded gun put in your face. And the person holding the gun was your father. You have ZERO business saying anything to me other than I LOVE YOU. (read that paragraph again…)
When I post pictures on Facebook of my travels, they come out to cause trouble. When they hear through the grapevine that I’m at peace, they come out to play. When things are quiet, they start stalking my platforms looking for things to mess with. I do not feel exposed. I feel empowered. Based on history, I’m going to outgrow a few friendships. Our paths will diverge. Not based on anything I’ve done so I won’t take it personally. People can only meet me as far as they meet themselves. 🤷🏻♀️ This is a wave to embrace truth. A truth of a family that betrayed me. A truth of a friend that betrayed me. Or, in reality, a truth that I betrayed myself because I believed the potential in another rather than meet them where they are… 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My cup is filled with love. I’m in a very healthy place emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I share because I know I have readers out there needing to know that they are NOT crazy. In the context of domestic violence, the reality of an abuser does NOT need to be your reality. My day one for self-care started 2 years ago. It took an incredible amount of inner work to shift my thinking from them to me. An incredible amount of work. I occasionally sidestep because after all, they are my family. I miss them. I love them.
Each time I allow them into my world, they have tried to hurt me. So until they fix themselves and learn how to come at me with respect, they are not allowed in my world. And the concept of healthy boundaries comes around full circle. I love life too much to put myself at risk. At the same time, I keep my family in my prayers. 💜
#InvisibleWounds #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #CyberStalking #HealthyBoundaries #SelfCare #DetachWithLove #Gratitude #Love #GunViolence #TraumaRecovery #Resilience