Rocky is BAE (Before Anything Else). Well, I say that Rocky is BAE when really I should be saying that I am BAE. My needs. My desires. My wants. I should come first. Making myself a priority has its challenges. I come from a family that prioritised the needs of others before self. This has taken a considerable amount of work to acknowledge, unlearn and rewire.
As I sit on a balcony in Chicago, greeting the sunrise. Being greeted by a variety of birds. Sipping on some hot milk (from a street vendor). I guess it’s like (hot) horchata. I have a love bug puppy staring at me and my fingers are hesitantly dancing across the keyboard.
I acknowledge that I’m in the midst of another transition. Such a powerful transition.
My world is filled with people that converge and diverge on my path. Most of the time our paths diverge when a hurt is exposed. Unable to articulate the pain causes distance. Perhaps a common coping mechanism. A path has converged. A simple question asked by each.
Me: You know that if anything is going to properly happen between us, we need to address the disharmony between your words and actions?
Him: After all these years, how come you still give me your time?
Love can always be shared. Money can always be made. Trust can always be given. Most things can be broken and fixed. Flowing both in and out. Time, however, once that’s gone, there is no way to make it up. There is no way to get it back. There is no way to change your mind. Time is the most valuable aspect of life. (I’m constantly asking myself what I invest my time into).
I’m exhausted. The muscles in my legs are screaming. My body is under a bit of stress. My mind is not racing but it’s jumping around. I recognise that I’m in CSI mode. I’m connecting dots or trying to connect dots. I’m being present whilst also allowing my mind to justify behaviours of self and others. I recognise that I set a number of boundaries with others and am stepping out of that ‘comfort zone’. For what is a boundary anyways? To me, a boundary is being transparent on what is healthy for me vs what is not. It’s vocalising my needs to another human being and giving them a chance to love me in a way that I need.
Life is simple. People are complicated.
My heart is at peace because I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m dogsitting. I’m beyond blessed. I have a handful of friends sprinkled around the world. I have a handful of hustles that make my heart sing. I am back in school to earn another certificate for my coaching business. I have a (temporary) roof over my head. I have an incredible amount of love in my heart.
At this exact moment, I know that I can easily take refuge in about 15 countries. All places are friends with an extra bedroom, couch or tent with my name on it. A warm meal to share and an incredible amount of hugs… Hugs are the best because sometimes words are not enough. I’m overwhelmed with love. After spending the better part of 2 years coming to terms with a very difficult truth; I have a family that I love with everything in my soul but they simply do not love me. This is a very difficult truth to accept. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. It’s not a misunderstanding. It’s not me being sensitive. It’s a history of foul actions. It’s a system that didn’t honour anything about me. To be honest, it’s a system that resents my existence because of a simple truth… and that truth was uncovered (and affirmed last night during a heart-to-heart conversation… my existence forces people to level up.
My name is Jessica Marie Corvo. When it’s time for my body to be laid to rest, I no longer want to be known for how much I loved or who I loved. I will be known as the woman that never half-assed life. Whatever I had inside was put on the table. I demanded that I showed up for life. There were so many times that I failed (and it’s perfectly OK to fail) but one can only fail IF/WHEN they show up. And part of being a love bug, creating magic, being love to give love is exactly that: showing up. My willingness to show up inspired others to also show up. It forced people to level up. I can accept imperfection but I could not accept not trying.
And the message in my heart is that I planted seeds in others. I gave them permission to be imperfect. I held space to be human. And part of being human is simply showing up. Even when the walls feel like they are crashing down, you show up. And when you feel that you do not have a single friend in the world, you show up. Jessica Marie Corvo always showed up. She never half-assed life. Ever.
Life is simple. People are complicated.
Reframing my legacy and how I want to be remembered…
#SelfCare #Recovery #DomesticViolence #OneDayAtATime #IAmWorthy #BreakTheSilence