I’ve talked about domestic violence at nauseam. I’ve offered my perspective, my pain, my opinions, my observations and various assumptions of perspectives. I’ve tried my hardest to keep my blog as my feelings and my point of view. My intention has always been two-fold, go through my pain and protect myself.
When I decide to bring people into my blog, it’s not to vent, it’s strategic. It’s because in the event something happens to me, the first place someone will look is my blog. Any competent person would at least look at my blog. To check my mental health then perhaps look for clues on anyone who would want to harm me. And so I blog. Openly. Unapologetic. Honestly. When it comes to my family, they had over a decade to address the violence before I uttered a word in public. To friends (or predators), depending on the situation, they are given a few weeks to adjust their treatment towards me. I do NOT negotiate with terrorists.
Emotional abuse is often misunderstood. Perhaps even from my perspective because it makes ZERO FUCKING SENSE. So again, I’ll try to articulate. NO ONE wins with abuse. No one.
- My father tried to kill me on two separate occasions. Even up to today, he refuses to acknowledge these ‘situations’. He is a danger to himself, society and to me. Anyone who willingly gives him information about me supports abuse. People have a choice to either give or to not give him information. If they give him information, it means they do not care about my safety or my life. My father has tried to kill me on two separate occasions. It’s simple.
- Emotional Abuse is manipulating people into sharing information about others. With my family, my mother believes family is family. My father also believes family is family. I believe once you try to kill me, you are no longer my family. Call me crazy. This is the basis of our “communication breakdown” and when “fights” start.
- Emotional Abuse is failing to be consistent. My father allegedly showed remorse to my mother in regards to trying to kill me, their daughter. He tried to kill me on two separate occasions. If he was genuinely remorseful, then he could have apologised direct. Last month, he was offered an opportunity and decided he wasn’t ready to acknowledge trying to kill me, his daughter. Rather than apologise, he decided to give me a lecture on how family is family. I reminded him that until he acknowledges trying to kill me, he is not my family, he is not my father, he is my abuser. Nothing more. Nothing less. My abuser. It’s simple.
- Emotional Abuse is convincing someone they do not have another choice. Whether the choice is to stop abuse (make it unacceptable), ignore abuse (denial) or try to cover up the abuse (gaslighting). Emotional abuse clouds your mind into thinking the element of choice is no longer yours. You always have a choice. Always.
- Emotional Abuse is creating ways to make others suffer. Today is Mother’s Day. To me, no one in my family is allowed in my life until they acknowledge the fact my father tried to kill me on two separate occasions. The longer they deny my reality, the longer we all remain estranged. The lose-lose situation is heartbreaking. If I allow my mother back into my world without respecting my privacy, I put my life at risk. Remember, she believes family is family and has been consistent with giving information about me to my abuser. Refusing to allow my mother into my world plays into her fear of whether or not she is a good mother. This is abuse. This is emotional abuse; Us being together is harmful to me, physically. Us not being together is harmful to her, mentally (and emotionally).
In the world of emotional abuse, this is what happens. Abusers find out what you value and they use it to hurt you. Abusers exploit your emotions. Abusers use you. My mother is being manipulated and abused by my father. He has created another situation to silence her. My father is abusive. My father tried to kill me on two separate occasions. Fathers do NOT try to kill their daughters. This is not normal behaviour. This is not healthy behaviour.
The last time I addressed my father was via an open letter on May 12, 2018. I asked him to leave her alone and let her heal. I do not ask about my abuser because until he is ready to acknowledge trying to kill me, he is not part of my world, nor is he allowed in my world. My abuser continues to ask my mother about me because he is a sick individual with severe control issues. He needs professional help. Over two years have passed since I directly addressed my abuser. Our email exchange last month was the same: his unwillingness to acknowledge the fact he tried to kill me, his daughter. The exchange only transpired because despite being divorced since 2014, he is still using my mother’s love for her children to hurt her. My father continues to abuse my mother. My mother allows it.
Mom, I love you. You are a good mother. You are a good woman. When you are ready to understand your worth, I am here to help you. When you are ready to stop allowing him to control you, I am here to help you. I broke free and you can, too. I’m sorry he is still hurting you. I understand co-dependency. I also understand the trauma bond. I very much understand generational trauma. Until you are ready for my help, I’ll continue to do my own inner work. Abuse is NEVER acceptable. He is abusing you. He tried to kill your daughter on two occasions. This should NOT be acceptable to you. The fact he makes you think it is acceptable is wrong. My heart is with you, always. Happy Mother’s Day.
The journey continues…