As expected, there is a wave of abuse that is brewing. The abuse is not directed towards me because abusers have accepted that I have grown. I am strong enough to set [healthy] boundaries and hold people [publicly] accountable for abusive behaviour. My growth is the subtle shift from testing my threshold of suffering in silence to implementing healthy boundaries. One of the ways to implement healthy boundaries is by breaking the silence. I broke the silence on family abuse. I broke the silence on mental abuse. I broke the silence on emotional abuse. I broke the silence on mental illness. I mostly maintained focus on mental wellness… (me, not them).
I have not really given examples of mental or emotional warfare. I typically like to clump all toxic behaviour together and maintain focus on the healing aspect. Emotional abuse is based on multiple ‘hits’; sharing individual stories just makes me look petty. The general theme is for an abuser to behave in such a way that the target is constantly in an emotional state.
I have maintained focus on how the abuse has affected me. I typically share what I learned from being abused as opposed to the abuse itself. I am constantly developing new tools to manage different parts of abuse. I’m currently developing writing. I’m trying to align my heart and my fingers. Look inward to get all the pain out. I’m hurting and writing is helping me heal.
I have maintained a ridiculous amount of compassion and understanding for people, even those abusing me. I achieve this by writing letters of gratitude and manifesting love into my world. When my cup is full, I’m unaffected by other people. I realised that I am scared to face my pain and the only way to dissolve my pain is to go through it, not convert it. I need to have compassion for myself before others.
I have maintained viewing abusive behaviour as them failing at managing their pain. Remembering humanity first has been worthwhile whilst also remembering that it’s NOT my fault or my responsibility to help them. The people causing me harm understand the softness in my heart and will continue to leverage it. My strengths are under attack but this year is dedicated to putting me first. No one else matters. No one.
I have learned that accepting abuse is NOT a reasonable form of demonstrating love and compassion. No one is allowed to hurt me. Setting boundaries is for MY wellness. My distance from others should not be challenged as me not loving them enough. I am enough. It’s appropriate and necessary for me to first and foremost, love myself. And if loving myself means removing myself from abusive people, then so be it. Act right and then you are allowed back into my world.
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Abuse is not necessarily constant. It gets intense then settles down. It makes you feel like a yo-yo. It’s death by a 1,000 papercuts. Individual acts seem insignificant but collectively, they cause serious damage. The only objective is to keep you unstable and operating from fear. If abusers think you are weak, they show a bit of kindness. Once you have strength, they are in attack mode. It’s a game of control. My family has just entered the conditioning part of the abuse cycle. They are getting ready for the attack mode. There are 2 events that have caused a change in their behaviour. Dad is engaged to his mistress. Michael is getting married in Hawaii.
Healthy people would think these are happy occasions. To anyone that has experienced domestic violence or family abuse, know a different reality. They will do everything in their power to maintain an image of normal and see how much control they have over others. It’s a game.
Since the abusive people simply cannot help themselves, rather than get upset, I will be using this space to give very specific examples of abuse. My intention is to test my own healing, encourage abusers to find new hunting ground, and teach others about family abuse, specifically gross dysfunction.
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The blog posts related to family (domestic) abuse will be set up as follows:
Title: EXAMPLE OF (PROJECTING)
Example: An abuser was struggling to manage his pain. Rather than acknowledge his own pain, he decided to verbally attack me to make himself feel better. Referring to me as offspring, saying that I used to be successful (implies I’m currently a failure), dismissing any emotion I expressed, rewriting childhood memories. Basically anything as an attempt to get me to engage (negative attention is still attention). For him, causing harm to others is easier than dealing with his own pain. He’s hurting and projecting that hurt to me.
Boundary: I informed him that I am not responsible for his anger. Please only speak to me with loving words.
Consequence: If he wishes to continue to send me abusive emails, they will be redirected to a list of people outside of the family. This way other people can see first hand how he processes his pain.
Result: He feared being exposed. Once he realised he was at risk of being exposed, he backed down. Family abuse is no longer ‘fun’ when it’s in the public. The emails stopped.
The Challenge: If you give a consequence, you must be willing to execute on your word. Abuse can actually increase if your words are meaningless. Try your best to be firm and unwavering in taking a stand. It helps me to think of the alternative. The abuser has anger issues so I remind myself that if I don’t nip this behaviour in the butt now, it will escalate and my life will be in danger. I’m not being dramatic, he has threatened my life before, The day my childhood bedroom turned into a crime scene. I suffered in silence for over a decade. It’s not an easy journey. But ask yourself, WHAT IS THE ALTERNATIVE? (For me, the alternative is pulling the trigger of a loaded gun).
#SchoolIsInSession #WhyIWrite #ToLetGo #Forgiveness #MentalWellness #ExposeTheAbuse #BreakTheSilence #NoOneIsSafe #DomesticAbuse #FamilyAbuse #Narcissism #NarcissisticAbuse #LessonsLearned #Accountability #Family