Life is filled with big moments. The ironic part is we hardly realise they are big moments. Why? Because the big moments are actually a series of small moments. Moments we are trained to ignore. Or at least we tend to be so distracted we do not have an awareness to the small moments.
I just balanced out from a massive growth. My entire personal life was thrown into the fast lane. I consciously embraced the challenge and subconsciously resisted. Perhaps my heart was screaming “YES, why not?” whilst my head was saying, “Hold on Jess. Difficult lessons happen when we get over excited. Let’s take things a bit slower. Rome was not built in a day, take your time. Operate from HEART.”
It was turbulent. It was heartbreaking. It was fast.
What am I talking about? Navigating GRIEF.
Step 1: Shock/Denial
My blog was there for me during one of my darkest hours. When I lost the ability to know who to trust, I turned inward and then poured my heart into my blog.
Step 2: Pain/Guilt
I spent just over 2 years actively processing a destroyed trust system (family), grief that comes with the loss of my entire biological family, and I learned how to sit through some pretty big emotions. Considering most of my life decisions start with ‘WHY NOT?,’ my words were shared as me, not a pen name. Heartbreak at the deepest level without a place to hide. Through the journey, my blog allowed me to hold myself (and my perspectives) accountable. Each decision carefully articulated without a single judgement or mishap on ‘where did my post go?’
Step 3: Anger / Bargaining
Looking back, it’s clear to me I struggled to manage my emotions, 99% of the time. After 30+ years of converting emotions into accomplishments, sitting through them was extremely difficult. The tug of war was awful!
- emotions are useless
- emotions are messages from the Soul
- what the heck is this? I do not know what this one is… it’s new
- 90 seconds, Jess. Just observe for 90 seconds. Breathe.
- Yeah but what about the whole ‘You cannot heal what you refuse to feel?!’
Finding the balance between 1-5 almost drove me to the loony bin. My blog was there the ENTIRE TIME. 3.6 million words. Who am I to turn my back on my blog so quickly?! What’s more absurd, sharing this internal conflict or actually acting like my blog has feelings?! *facepalm*
Step 4: Depression
My stomach was not right for nearly 2 weeks. I was not sleeping well. Things that brought me joy were shades of grey. I withdrew from my regular activities into my shell. I leaned into a bare minimum disciplined lifestyle. I kept all my appointments but withdrew from making new. My heart was shattered. Most things in my world felt like they were falling apart.
Step 5: the Upward turn
Perhaps I can credit my blog as allowing me the beauty of learning how to shift from observing emotions as indicators or messages from the soul to really leaning in and sitting with some big feelings. I firmly believe one needs to feel the feels before doing the things. I also learned the difference between a feeling and an emotion. For decades, my pain towards my family was so deep, I willingly used *semi healthy* distractions to ignore feeling anything. Currently, I still experience big emotions. This time, I have the capacity to articulate both the situation and how I am feeling about it. I learned how to hold space for myself. I also learned how to stay connected with Self through emotional waves. My emotions are beautiful.
Step 6: Reconstruction
I’m making healthy decisions. I learned how to trust the right people. I am gentle with myself when I fail to tell the difference between a familiar vs a kindred soul. I also learned how to prioritise my health before the comfort of others. Most importantly, I am able to recognise when I am engaging in a coping mechanisms vs using a healthy processing tool.
Step 7: Acceptance / Hope
My blog has been converted into a website. My blog has been a beloved friend during my darkest season. My blog has also been my healing canvass and a trusted friend. On the flip side, my blog has been a playbook for narcissists/psychopaths to cause me harm. Alas, my blog is officially my website: A business generating digital calling card. A place where my classes are posted, my interviews are shared, my workshops are promoted, and clients can cruise through my content to quantify if I am competent enough to support them on their journey.
In Conclusion
My heart is full. The catalyst for this growth was completely unexpected. It was a dear friend, a confidant, one of the most inconsistent people I have ever met. They are/were ruled by their emotions which made this moment incredibly difficult to navigate. I allowed them into my heart space which made it extremely difficult for me to stay grounded. Oftentimes, I found it impossible to discern which energy was mine vs theirs. One thing is for sure, the Universe gives you exactly what you seek. Before 2017, my intentions were to simply make money. After 2017, my intentions shifted to purpose driven work – only engage in projects/clients/programmes to make my heart feel full. At first, I thought my resistance was self-sabotage. My resistance was actually my heart needing me to hold space to properly go through the grieving process of converting my blog into a website.
When a person goes through a life changing moment, they cling onto something. That ONE thing might seem insignificant but it’s everything and nothing. It’s the friend on a dark day. It’s a comfort when the walls are caving in. It’s the safe place and also the go-to for sharing a mini victory. It’s sacred. To me, my blog was that plus more for nearly 3 years. 3.6 million words!!! And today, I am so incredibly grateful for the push into this new chapter. My blog is officially a website.
If you have not already, please feel free to jump around. I’m proud of the changes. My heart is tender. My heart is proud. I hope the catalyst reads this post and one day realises the power in slowing down. Slow is fast. Plus to honour the softness in my heart, space to breathe is essential. Grief cannot be rushed or processed without awareness. Today, we leverage the last 3 years of HARD work into “simple” ways to empower others on their journey! Thank you to ALL My readers. I LOVE YOU!