The last 17 weeks have been anything but easy. It’s been confusing, heartwrenching, and soul-crushing. I have continued to push out words but very selective on what to share with the world. I was convinced that the new evil I was dealing with was darker than anything I had experienced before. I needed to disengage from all things to clear my head and give my heart space to seek the truth.
Last night, I had a dream. I was at my mother’s house. Her closet was empty. She had lots of bags of clothing. I asked what happened and she said that she was getting rid of anything with a cowl collar, stripes, or (insert other criteria that I cannot remember). I remember thinking that these things do not apply to her so there shouldn’t be clothing to get rid of. Rather than focus on the details, I focused on my emotional state in the dream: CONFUSION. I was confused because her justification made zero sense.
Hours before that, I was having a conversation with a kindred soul. I had a breakdown because I was trying to connect the dots. I knew that I needed to do a tech detox but I found myself jumping in /out of support groups online. I was seeking validation or understanding of what recently happened. I was scolded. I was told that it’s not time to understand but to accept. It’s time to just be. No more influence from others… just disconnect from the world to [re]connect to me. But I’m still in the cycle… and part of the cycle is connecting the dots. I understand functional and I also understand dysfunctional. I did not understand what just happened.
Back to the present moment, I jump on Instagram and the first three messages from the Universe brought it all together. They were not messages from people but messages from my newsfeed. The first message: Stage 5: Failure (The Empath will have pure intentions on loving the narcissist and want to do anything they can to help heal the narcissist, because they don’t see that the narcissist’s wounds are different from theirs. The reality is that the narcissist doesn’t believe they are damaged and they are immune to love, and therefore, cannot be healed by the empaths honest and pure efforts). The second message: Stage 8: The Shift (The empath will finally raise their voice and speak up because they can no longer stand the devaluing ways of the narcissist. The empath will be feeling devastated, exhausted and drained because of how the narcissist treats them and will also realise that their own emotional needs are not being met. The delusion of the relationship will fall away and the empath will start to resist the manipulation cycle. The narcissist does not like this shift in the relationship). The third message: Everyone has something to teach you even if they show you how not to be.
Then my mind started to wander to previous conversations. Last week, a different kindred soul planted a seed. The seed was that each time I try to help someone and it bites me in some way, it’s the Universe telling me that I wasn’t in my lane. I wasn’t meant to help that person. I was wrong therefore I needed to increase my awareness of healthy boundaries. A reminder that my role is NOT to help others but simply shed light. They need to help themselves.
And just like that, I shifted from an emotional state to a rational state. The last 17 weeks have been absolute crazytown. It’s been consistent (and progressive) messaging that I am not worthy. Attempts at sliding boundaries to get me to accept subpar treatment. I was experiencing the DEVALUATION stage of the abusive cycle. The more I tried to help, the louder the criticisms were that I was not doing enough. I left the situation under extreme protest. My heart wanted to be there to help but my gut knew that even Jesus himself couldn’t do right in their eyes. Swallowing the false guilt and walking away was not easy. I still feel like a horrible person but that’s only because my perspective is still shifting between how I view myself vs how they view me. I know that I did the right thing for me. I know that staying there would have resulted in a spiritual split. I know that I’m feeling the way that I’m feeling because for the first time, directly related to this specific person, my words of ‘enough is enough’ is being supported by actions, my absence.
I connected the dots. I was experiencing the DEVALUATION stage of an abusive cycle. The last stage is the discard. And her silence is that final stage. The longer she chooses her ego and her pain, the more it all makes sense. Rationally explaining all of this emotional turmoil that I’m experiencing. My family has been devaluing me for about a decade and only now am I able to see it for what it is. Entering the stage of DISCARD.
Last year, I was discarded by my biological father. Now it’s time to embrace what is meant to come and be gentle with me for the final stage of discard from my biological mother.
Nothing makes sense but all the dots are starting to connect. Connecting the dots is the only way for my heart to let go. Understand what is happening. Understanding the depth of dysfunction. Remind myself that it’s not me, but it’s them. I did nothing to deserve this. My breathing is not the problem. My existence is not the problem. I was simply part of a system that didn’t love themselves, therefore, didn’t know how to love me. They didn’t honour me. They knew how I felt and yet they continued to cause harm. That’s not love.
I am being devalued and discarded by the people that society wants me to call family.
#WhyIWrite #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #FamilyDysfunction #Family #Narcissism #NPD #Devaluation #Discard #ConnectingTheDots #Rewire #Alignment #JourneyToPeace