I know that my power is ridiculously strong. I do my best to purify my heart so that I am a constant flow of love. Some days are better than others but the point is that I’m always trying. Trying. Progress is perfection.
Every.single.day. I strive to be my best version.
That said, I have plenty of soft spots. I get upset when people lie to me. I get really short tempered when men touch me after I say “NO”. I lose my shit when people make me feel like an object. I feel like I’m justified to get upset but feel guilty for expressing my dissatisfaction. During these moments, I really struggle to remember the humanity. I try but most of the time, my nostrils will start flaring and I can feel the internal volcano want to erupt. It’s never pretty. I specify the word internal because from the outside, you cannot tell that I’m about to blow! When I’m nervous, I smile. When I’m angry, I smile. When I’m offended, I grit my teeth and smile. But on the inside, there is a volcano that is ready to erupt. 95% of the time, I am able to prevent an explosion. Most of the time.
Every so often, I meet people that my soul needs. I meet people that whisper that it’s OK to have rough edges. It’s ok to be scared. It’s ok to feel broken. Most importantly, they encourage my constantly evolving forms of self-love. These people are angels on Earth. They remind me of the magic of humanity. They are my kindred spirits.
A high school friend and I recently reconnected. I’m not 100% certain how this happened, I think it was via LinkedIn (professional network). I started posting some stuff on domestic violence and since my unveiling, he’s been one of my constant supporters. Supportive to a point that I can bat ideas back and forth. He also handled me during a panic attack like a pro (there are maybe 3 people in the world that have successfully helped me through one). The most magical part is this person was not prepped or anything. he knew how to bring me back to the present most likely because he had experienced the same at some point. Long story short, we were meant to spend the weekend together in Venice and I changed plans last minute. I couldn’t stomach a big city for a moment longer. I needed to recharge near the sea. I needed to watch both sunrises and sunsets. I needed to be around people that understand the joy of hearing children laugh. The little things. I needed a break from the commercially addicted side of humanity. You know, the ones that have their noses buried in their phone… NO shame, I just needed to balance out before I exploded. I hate breaking plans. My word is typically good. I write things on a paper calendar. My biggest annoyance is crossing something out. As a matter of fact, I even bought a Chicago snow globe as a ‘dose of home’ for my friend. If anything because I know how living in a foreign country can be lonely and it’s easy to get homesick. But the magical part is this friend insisted that I bail on our plans in Venice. He even shared some ‘fun facts’ to ensure I’d head to the beach instead. He knew I was feeling super guilty and he helped me put myself first. To me, this is the best gift ever. A friend that puts my needs over his wants. Of course, he was interested to spend the weekend exploring a new city. But he knew that I needed some mother nature to balance me out.
I’ve been removing a lot of people in my space and during the quiet, these Earth Angels seem to get louder. Their support seems to jump out. Their messages seem to reach my heart center.
I’m still in a funky space where I need to extract the pain in order to heal. Talking about painful things attracts more pain. I’m well aware. But sometimes you have to do the hard things before you can get back to the good. And even though this chapter makes me feel like I’m 1000% broken, I remind myself that life is actually pretty decent. I’m purging what’s in my heart whilst watching the sunset behind Amalfi, Italy. I spent the day with someone that does not speak English and despite my pretending, I still do not speak Italian. I have a dish of fresh seafood and a bottle of fizzy water next to me. I can count the people that keep me in their hearts and I know that today was a success because I made someone go from feeling alone (or invisible) to feel like a part of humanity. Life is perfect. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Sometimes writing makes me feel otherwise but I know that life, my life, is pretty magical.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #Healing #ManifestLove #LOA #ProgressIsPerfection #EarthAngels #Love #Italy #Salerno #Blessed #TooBlessedToBeStressed #SelfLove #IamWorthy