Please stop breaking me. Love, Heart

Day 1. Freewriting. Processing hurt: Crack open your heart to let in the light…

They say that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things are meant to build you up and other times, things happen to remind you of your inner strength.

I have spent YEARS trying to conceal the heartbreaking parts of my life. I hide behind doing a spiritual journey in hopes to find forgiveness, peace or just that amazing patience that everyone keeps talking about… Every few years, something happens where I’m confident to share my story and then I get scared.

Yes, scared.

I’m scared of a few things. I’m scared that despite years of inner work, my skin is not thick enough for criticism (constructive is OK but people are just cruel and judgy). I hate that look. I’m scared that my sense of self is completely distorted (What if I’m actually a complete shithead).

I [wholeheartedly] celebrate the fact that despite any adversity, my heart has never been hardened. My skin is [currently] thin and my heart is soft. I’m [typically] unbelievably strong but also sensitive. I get hurt easily and that’s OK. It’s only recently, that I’ve embraced this soft side as a superpower rather than a weakness.

It’s a beautiful thing to have a soft heart in such a cruel world. To keep a focus on the helpers and try to use my inner white light to inspire others. To know that even if only ONE person reads this article, that there is a chance that I have shared my power for the good.

To every person that has hurt me, whether conscious or unconscious. Thank you! Thank you for the opportunity to expose my blind spots. Thank you for allowing me to grow. Above all, thank you for being a teacher that I needed. Perhaps, I didn’t necessarily want you but I definitely needed you for growth. Sincerely.

The Jess you once knew has evolved into something even more beautiful. The new Jess refuses to accept the darkness in your heart. The old Jess would apologize for your hurting and ask “How can I help?” but the new Jess simply says, “I feel bad for your pain. I send you love for your healing journey.” I’m learning that if I need to set boundaries, then those people shouldn’t be allowed into my space. Full Stop.

My world is filled with givers, not takers. Every time you use words like the ultimatum, I laugh because it shows that you really do not understand the concept of personal responsibility or accountability. I always give a choice, act right or I walk away. My dignity won’t be compromised to protect your ego.

I’ve also realized the important difference between anger and hurt. I process anger with great ease. My best version comes out when I’m pissed off, whether it’s sport, writing, crisis management or just adulting in general. The most intense years of abuse are the same years that I made the biggest growth jumps. I am able to intuitively (and flawlessly) process anger into a fortress of building blocks of amazing. Maybe it’s the fact that I LOVE LOVE LOVE proving people wrong! It’s the hurt that catches me off guard. I’m currently building this muscle. I haven’t done myself any favors by dodging feelings like it’s a full-time job. I’m finally to a point where the pictures don’t make my heart hurt. The mention of your name doesn’t feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I can sleep through the night and I haven’t had an emotional breakdown in about 3 months.

Just when I think that I’m back to ‘normal’ and strong, I get thrown a curve ball. Apparently, I didn’t learn the intended lesson… I take a breath, I view the situation from a few perspectives then I sit. I try to process whatever is left but this journey cannot be forced. I acknowledge that I only said “yes” because I wasn’t ready to deal with my reality. You were my escape. Your definition of love was to control me. You endangered my health from a physical and emotional perspective. You tried to convince me that my job was to continuously stroke your ego and cater to your every whim. I happily sipped your koolaide because gambling with you was the lesser of two evils. I grossly under estimated your fuckery. What a fantastic experience though…

Thank you for the experience and for helping me grow. Your unwillingness to support my decision with my family resulted in me making myself vulnerable on facebook. That vulnerability helped me reconnect with some kind souls and also join some Domestic Violence support groups. That shift ultimately helped me identify themes and find my voice in my writing. From there, I was able to go from victim to survivor to thriver. I was about 2 months ahead of the masses in posting about abuse (my focus is on the grassroots issue: mental wellness). That means that my healing journey is to a point where I can field ignorant comments with a PR hat. I also realized that the biggest supply of aggressive and unhealed people is the sexual abuse bucket (as opposed to the silently suffering narc abuse, domestic abuse, or general emotional abuse buckets).

I digress.

My purpose is to help people. Specifically, my challenge is to deconstruct my life/processes and My mission is to share my story to promote mental wellness.

* * *

Earlier this year I made an extremely questionable decision. I actively broke my own heart. I allowed someone into my space as a means to heal a different part of my world. I cannot say that I did this intentionally but after lots of reflection, I cannot come up with any other justification. I needed to experience a narcissist from a new perspective. I’m done breaking my own heart. Well, I think I’m done breaking my own heart. I hope I’m done breaking my own heart.

* * *

I thrive in most situations due to an unwillingness to accept fear. I typically live on the other side of fear. I climb ladders. I finish endurance races. more time in a place of fear (rather than a place of love). It was fear that future employers/business partners/friends would view my rambles as broken (rather than an incredible amount of self-awareness). It was fear that my most aggressive abuser would actually advance the next level of his abuse and kill me (rather than accept that I cannot control anything except how I treat others with love and compassion). It was fear that perhaps the [very noisey] minority is correct and there is something fundamentally wrong with me (rather than understanding I’m healing a broken heart and that’s a beautiful part of life). It was fear of the criticisms of walking out of an engagement because I wasn’t being treated right (rather than celebrate that I never entertain people unless they bring out my best version).

Aside from the lessons, one thing that I’m so incredibly grateful for is the ability to articulate my emotions. I’m REALLY good at feeling my feelings and this year has been spent observing them. Writing helps this process. I woke up irritated and now my heart is filled with love.

#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #Covert #Narcissist #Healing #JourneyToPeace

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