*I posted this conversation on my facebook page but wanted to share it on my blog as well. In the last few weeks, I recognized that I needed to focus on Facebook to clean-up and remove some non-supporters. I spent the month with daily posts on mental health. Part to raise awareness, part heal, and part to reveal. I had some snakes in the grass so posting there helped me cut the grass and expose the snakes. My healing is done in layers. Purge. Reflect. Purge. Reflect. Cull. Purge. Reflect. Cull. This last month was kind of magical because I was able to Purge, Reflect, Cull and Deepen. The number of people that reached out with #MeToo broke my heart but also reinforced that my sharing is helping others. Even if only to make them feel less alone. Anyways, here is a conversation with a well-wisher. These are the people worth a spot in my heart-space.
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Friend: (voicemail) Hey honey, I just want you to know that I love you and see how you are doing. I felt a shift so please call me.
Friend: (voicemail) Hey Honey, Thank you for the postcard. I love you. I cannot remember the last time I received a postcard. I can feel your love. Please call me.
Friend: (voicemail) Hey Honey, Your phone has been off. I know you went to a bbq and I just want to make sure that you are ok… I’m starting to get a bit worried. Please call me.
Jess: Hey! I’m sorry. I love you. I needed to disengage to connect. I’m back on vibe. I am struggling with this but I’m getting there. How are you?
F: Oh good. I knew it was a big jump and just wanted you to feel the love. I wasn’t sure if you jumped on a plane… I’m glad you called. Do you want to talk about it?
J: Yeah. Do you have time?
F: Of course honey.
J: I know that people don’t understand me and I’m ok with that. I know the number 1 rules is NO CONTACT. People are told to avoid dysfunctional situations at all cost. I also know that relationship drama is much different from family drama. I’m doing what most wouldn’t even try and to be honest what most professionals tell you NOT to do. I feel like it’s going to break me but I know it won’t. I’m building. I’m at ground zero because I know I have to be but I cannot find the words.
F: Your voice sounds strong. Your spirit is still very strong. I’m very proud of you. You are not doing normal things but that’s what’s so special. Don’t worry about explaining yourself. The people that know will understand and love you. The people that don’t will start to fade away. Let them go.
J: I had a few purges. I caught myself getting short tempered and it was because I allowed someone to disrespect a boundary. The real magic came after my off-grid session. May I read you something?
F: Of course honey. Go ahead. When you are ready.
J: (reading my blog post: I’m grieving the loss of a family that never existed).
F: Oh honey. Powerful. How are you feeling now?
J: The truth. I’m proud that I can release those words without attachment. I’m disappointed in myself that my tolerance level is so high. This is not normal and I know it’s not and I’m concerned that I’m OK with it. Well, I’m not OK with it. But how is it that I’m functioning with all this garbage? I know that I’m where I need to be. I want this crap out of my system ASAP. I’m not sure if my ego is going to get the best of me on this one.
F: Honey, you have a broken heart AND you are re-wiring your core system. Do you understand how brave that it?
J: I watched a movie today. Have you heard of Jennifer Fox?
F: Yes. Producer?
J: Yeah. She shared her story. 6 years of writing to find and share her story. She was molested when she was 13 years old. Her body knew it was wrong because she threw up after each incident but her mind said that it was a relationship with an older man. And the story is her coming to terms with the reality of the situation. The avoidance. The anger. The confusion. The denial. The curiosity. The pain. The beauty…
F: … (sigh)
J: and I’m drawn to the beauty of her sharing. I’m starting to package my own story. I’m sharing the most private of my world. I feel like I belong on the Dr Phil show. ‘Hey Dr P, can you help? My family has a narcissist, psychopath, enabler and I’m the scapegoat with attachment issues.’ (deep sigh). can I ask what group of people I should be targeting to share my story? I have so many things that are relatable but I also know that it’s too much as ONE story.
F: Don’t you think that the power is IN the entire story? Not who you are trying to help but simply how you managed everything?
F: This is just another part of the process. Your travels taught you something. Ironman taught you something. Writing taught you something. Public sharing taught you something. Share that. Share those lessons. Sweetheart, you are so incredibly brave. I don’t know how you are managing all of this but you are. You are there by choice. This is where you are supposed to be.
J: I know. I could be on a tropical island. I could be in Germany. Heck, I could still be prancing around Italy… I have plenty of places to call ‘home’. I have people that celebrate me. I have options. I guess I’m starting to second guess myself. I’m struggling with beliefs vs truth. Beliefs vs truth.
F: Honey, you are here for a reason. Confronting truth is not easy. Look at how far you have come in this last year. The truths that you have accepted… That’s powerful. Very powerful.
J: Yeah, I guess. I don’t have panic attacks anymore. My dreams are coming back. I was able to shut down and separate the various dysfunction. I know that my head is clear. My heart is still clouded though…
F: Honey, your heart is broken. What your family is doing is wrong. Some might be sinister but one is not. Your heart is breaking not just for you but for her too. And shifting from helping her to accepting that there is NOTHING you can do is devastating. Leaving is not deserting anyone. It’s not running away. You are implementing healthy boundaries.
J: I know that I’m caught up in the injustice of it all. I know that. I just cannot understand it. If I’m credited for the dysfunction then it’s simple. She likes to test things. She is a professional game player. So fine. Play the game. Stop using my name to them. If they agree, then I’m wrong. If they get upset, punish or start trouble in any way, then I’m right. It’s not about being right or wrong but play the game to test out my theory.
F: She’s not ready for that truth. It’s easy to blame you when you are not here. So how are you going to respond? What is your objective?
J: I guess one of my goals is to confidently be able to say “I’m sorry for your pain. My heart breaks for you. I’d move the Earth for you [if asked] but I only help those willing to help themselves. Are you ready to put in the work?”
F: That’s the first thing all therapists and professionals say. “Are you ready to help yourself.” I know it hurts but it’s healthy. She currently doesn’t want the help and you cannot ease her pain.
J: The bbq was ok. I am safe.
F: I know but careful with new people. You are vulnerable right now and your public sharing makes you a target to predators. Just keep your wits about you. You are a smart woman. Intuition is clouded with emotions and you might not have feelings for others but I’m glad that you recognise that you are still in an emotional state. You are almost there. I’m proud of you!
J: I promise to call before I jump on any planes. I told you that I’d come see you for a few weeks before I start my next chapter. My focus is packaging. I need to figure out how I want to share my story. My story is my TedX. I’m not ready for that stage yet. Almost but not ready. I’ve almost reached my peace. Almost there… Love you.
F: Call me in a few days. Keep me posted. I love you. I’m so proud of you. My door is always open. No need to call, just show up if you need me. I’ll send some extra angels your way. You are never alone. I love you, sweetheart.
#WhyIWrite #MentalWellness #DomesticViolence #EmotionalAbuse #KindredSpirits #PureLove #JourneyToPeace