Today is your lucky day. Today my heart is full and I’m focused on sharing an experience to help others rather than tear your world apart. Today you are lucky because I can make the decision to hold you accountable in public but I won’t utter your name. You are lucky because I can decide to stoop to your level but I refuse to treat you with the same disrespect you offered me.
Today you are lucky I view you as a hurting person who uses other people to deal with your own demons. Today you are lucky I am searching for the lesson in the situation. Today you are lucky because I choose, my choice, is to focus on moving forward.
Your presence was larger than life and your teammates called you the Showman. I acknowledged the flags but thought consensual sex would be a fun way to celebrate my first race of the season. Besides, sex with athletes is something I’m quite fond of. Most of the men I allow into my physical space tend to be athletes as they [typically] hold themselves to a higher standard than the average man.
You played me well. You showed respect for boundaries by asking if my travel buddy was a boyfriend. You showed consideration by offering bottled water when my travel buddy mentioned a need to stop at the grocery shop. You showed community with invites to meals with your team and most importantly, you showed self-control on Saturday night when I said, “No”. You showed respect when I said, “You need a condom” and you agreed to pick up some for the following night.
All of these things indicated you were an adult. A man. A respectful person capable of consensual sex. We were adults who had a conversation to outline the expectations for as you say, a ride. These things were taken into consideration before I decided to meet you on Sunday night. I thought you had class. I thought you had morals. I thought you understood respect.
I was wrong.
Sunday night, was a reminder that monsters exist. A reminder, only in a normal world, does ‘NO’ mean ‘NO’. In the world of monsters, ‘NO’ means something else. You were a difficult reminder on how I need to stop using a rose-colored lens for everyone. You reminded me how some people really do not think rules apply to them. You taught me not all athletes have integrity.
Was I willing to have sex? Yes. I was actually quite excited about having sex. My experience with men has been positive in a sexual context. I’ve had lovers, flings, relationships… healthy interactions where the common thread has always been mutual respect. Condoms are typically used before requested and the few times I had to speak up, my request was honoured. Other instances where I did not want to have sex, my “NO” was heard. Consensual sex is a beautiful thing. Non-consensual sex is difficult to process.
I was clear on the need for condoms. You acknowledged and agreed but lied. Just after your performance, you acknowledged I was upset. Days later, you even admitted via text message you did something wrong. Perhaps it’s your admission that makes me think you genuinely got caught up in the moment. Then I have to remind myself how I actually said ‘NO’ many times. I said ‘NO’ when you tried to enter me without a condom. I said “NO’ each time you tried to flip around my body. I said ‘NO’ when you grabbed onto my hips. I asked you to stop a number of times in between. Did I want to have sex with you, Yes. I was willing to have SAFE sex with you. Sex with a condom. The sex you offered was not safe. It was not with a condom. What happened between us was not what we discussed or agreed.
You knew this and understood clearly. You even had some ridiculous comments throughout your mission to overpower me. When I said ‘You need a condom” You said, “It’s ok. I’m not sick.” When I said ‘Please stop, please do not finish” You said, “I won’t cum inside. I’m not stupid.”
To add insult to injury, you invited me to stay for a cuddle after you were finished. You went on some tangent about having a good life of owning a gym, being near the sea and wanting to start a family [not with me of course]. I was not paying attention to the rest of your words. This was my first [and hopefully last] experience of non-consensual sex so excuse me for not understanding proper protocol on how to behave. I was busy evaluating in my mind each threshold of what I could have done to prevent this situation. I was negotiating in my heart how I agreed to have sex with a condom, not sex without. I was being mindful of how women are accused of being a cock-tease or emotionally unstable so I tried to embrace the situation rationally as opposed to emotionally. Part of me was already burying the incident in my heart in hopes to pretend it didn’t happen. Admitting I was raped means I have to accept a few truths. Truth: I was reckless. Truth: I was naive. Truth: I trusted the wrong person. Perhaps even a Truth: I am still an easy target with ‘daddy issues.’
Despite being able to enjoy safe, consensual, sex for about 20 years. This was the first time my ‘NO’ was ignored. The first time. First. Time.
I have not been able to find the gratitude in the situation. I have not been able to find the silver lining. I have not entirely resolved in my heart the full weight of what happened. I know I have a lot of work to do to rebuild trust. Trust in my decision making. Trust in my faith in humanity. Trust in others. I’m asking for the grace of the Universe to put respectful men on my path to reinforce the kindness of humanity. I’m asking for the compassion of the Universe for the warm embraces of decent people as I continue to harness the magic. I’m asking for my heart to accept you are not the norm, you are a monster who slipped through the cracks. You are the exception to the rule and I have 20 years of [respectful] sexual encounters to prove there are more respectful men than men like you.
Your decision to ignore my request will come back around to haunt you. I have full faith that this is a job for karma. Until then, I forgive you for causing me harm. I forgive you for not showing me the respect I deserve. I forgive you for turning what was supposed to be a beautiful moment of consensual safe sex into a difficult experience of non consensual sex.
One thought on “Dear Rapist, I forgive you.”
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